<p>Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman and with support at home she should be fine. I think lots of kids outgrow the restrictions of high school, but it may be less common to outgrow one’s friends this late in the game. I think middle school and high school freshman year are often times when friendships shift–often tied to physical development (height for boys, figures for girls). It certainly sounds as though your daughter is simply more mature, responsible, and thoughtful than the girls she has been friendly with in the past. There may be some painful moments through the remainder of high school as a result (or she may find a new group), but high school is a temporary state anyway.</p>
<p>ariesathena, cangel & cheers:</p>
<p>I really relate to your posts and agree completely with them. I was a misfit/prude in HS because I – gasp-- knew myself well enough to know I was not ready for sex. Luckily I did have several close friends in the same boat. </p>
<p>Ariesathena, my D may want to email you too. You’d be a fabulous big sister!</p>
<p>Good thread and one I can relate to. Very heartening to read everyone’s posts about their children’s experiences. There is light at the end of the tunnel! :D</p>
<p>My own has had a big dose of this this year herself…and it’s definitely been a godsend to have a group of friends outside of school with whom she can talk and do things with.</p>
<p>You’ve all hit on so many of the realities of this stage of life. My guess is that most of us can remember our own high school days and how we coped - or tried too.</p>
<p>Three cheers to all those kids who keep their own counsel and march to the beat of a different drummer! ;)</p>
<p>One of my daughter’s had a similar, but somewhat different experience. As an 8th grader and through her freshmen year she “lost” all of her friends because she would not engage in meaningless sex or drug usage; she would not skip classes; she would sneek out at night; she did value school and self-respect.</p>
<p>Well, a funny thing happened her soph. year, all of those “lost” friends found my daughter again, and now hold her in such high esteem that they voted her onto student govt, and all want to study with her and hang with her.</p>
<p>So, while in many ways she was more mature than her friends, I am not sure that she “out grew” high school because she learned a very valuable lesson about just being herself.</p>
<p>i’m a high school senior. i go to a fairly large school… 500+ in my class, so i don’t feel that much pressure to fit in. i have my group of friends, we don’t drink, do drugs, or have sex. i feel like a lot of my grade goes out and “parties” friday and saturday nights and then for the rest of the week they have their little squabbles about what went down over the weekend and giggle about what boys they hooked up with, then they start the whole cycle all over again. and there is a good mix of kids involved in this including plenty of AP-laden, ivy-bound kids along with the ones in special programs who probably won’t be going to college. it just seems so immature and silly to me, i can’t figure out why they are all so … strange. i guess i’m somewhat of a “misfit” but it doesn’t really bother me because my friends are the same as me. if my class was 1/10 of the size and i only had 1 friend, i would definitely feel differently about my whole high school experience. as it is now, i’m enjoying it</p>
<p>I agree with Marite…your D matured to the point that she outgrew her old friendships…but that is not unusual…and all about growing up. With your support, she should beable to get through all of this with her values and self-esteem held high. With 2 of our 3 Ds in single gender secondary schools, I have yet to experience all that you have…but, this I am certain…she is definitely not a misfit.</p>
<p>Thanks, SBMom! She really can drop me an email if feeling overwhelmed/out of place. High school was rough.</p>
<p>Thank you all (very belatedly) for the insights. I had my daughter read this thread, and she responded with “<em>deep sigh</em>I love adults…which probably just confirms my weirdness.” Despite the delivery, that really is a compliment and a round-about thank you from her!</p>
<p>The best part of this week was when my daughter received a very long e-mail from one of the girls who had been involved in the “teasing” last week. This particular girl was very close to my daughter last year, but for a variety of reasons, they’ve been spending very little time together this year. The e-mail started a week-long exchange of e-mails and IMing between the two, where they apparently hammered out a lot of their issues…miscommunications corrected, envy and jealousy confronted, and just some long overdue girl-talk. My daughter was deeply touched that ** initiated the conversation and feels like they’ve come a long way in the right direction.</p>
<p>Re: the issue of late assignments and the cavalier attitude expressed by some of her friends, I asked my daughter if she wanted me to say anything at parent-teacher conferences next week. There is one teacher in particular who has allowed some of this to happen with minimal (if any) penalty for late assignments, and I was thinking about asking him what was up. But my daughter told me that this week, he spent a half of a class period talking with the class about privilege v responsibility. Apparently he told the class that he’d given the kids enough rope to hang themselves (hoping they wouldn’t), but they had failed themselves and him in this expectation. He was letting the kids know, and will be informing parents at conferences, that the days of late assignments receiving anything other than an F are over (within defined parameters). And it looks like he means it…the next day a student didn’t turn in a paper, and the teachers comment was, “Well, everybody makes choices.” (My daughter said the only thing missing from this pronouncement was the clash of lightning and a roll of thunder!)</p>
<p>I’m sure there will be other crises and moments of teenage angst to come, but it looks like this is just another coming-of-age trauma survived and learned from. Thanks to you all…</p>
<p>Mezzomom:</p>
<p>It’s wonderful to know that your D’s values and priorities seem to be validated! She will feel less alone and undermined now, I hope.</p>
<p>mezzo mom, I am glad to hear things seem to be better. There is one thing I feel I must mention even though it probably is not relevant in your daughter’s case. It is this: You have to be awfully careful about e-mails and IMs. It is so easy for someone who is in a mean mode to copy confidences adn forward them to other “mean girls” (or boys). I’d be especially cautious about confiding in someone this way when there’s been a recent history of not-so-nice behavior.</p>
<p>Ah yes, high school. My daughter has been feeling kind of odd lately, as she has had some encounters with kids who only seem interested in talking about (and making fun of) the way kids look, dress, their complexions, their hair, the size of their boobs, etc. Usually she avoids these types, but ended up in a drama class where these kids run the show. She even asked her counselor to switch her out, though it would mean switching her entire schedule around. I don’t think that is likely to happen, but her counselor was sympathetic and said she would try, so that made her feel better. My H has been interviewing for jobs out of the area, and she is adamant that we not move because she is sure that “because of the way high school kids are, I would never make any friends, and you I am kind of odd.” So, she has her niche at this school, and is pretty comfortable in her own skin most of the time, but just having this one class makes her realize how different and unpleasant an experience it is when she is put in an environment when none of her own kind (or those who appreciate her kind) are there.</p>
<p>Mattmom, I fully understand your concern. I even asked my daughter why e-mails and IMing instead of picking up the phone, but my daughter wasn’t getting home from rehearsal until after 10:00, and this girl is not allowed to receive calls after 10. The good news is they did talk on the phone yesterday, and the girl came to see the play last night and went out with my daughter afterwards. They are both working hard at re-connecting, and both seem happier for it. My daughter is still thinking of skipping any upcoming group gatherings, since she feels it was a case of group dynamic gone wild. But she’s much happier with the one-on-one relationships, and that’s something.</p>
<p>That sounds good; I’m glad.</p>
<p>Ah… group dynamic gone wild. One of my friends, who saw the old high school crew in action (a few years older and wiser, so sort of removed from it all): “They can be great at times, but if any little thing happens, they turn on you like a pack of wolves.”</p>
<p>Ariesathena: LOL! A great visual <em>pack of wolves sniffing around, looking for any weakness before the attack</em>… I also had a vision of sharks in a feeding frenzy (with my daughter as chum)!!</p>
<p>Amazingly similar story here. When my D was in 7th grade (!) kids in her class were caught stealing alcohol and reading porn at school. She hung out with the perpetrators, they were the “popular” kids. They started calling her Mom. She stuck to her guns. Come high school, she spent all of freshman year ostracized for being too much of an over-achiever. However, she persisted, as she is the kind of person who is drawn to social connection. She is now friends, once again, with the “popular” kids. However, she is the designated driver at parties, because she still doesn’t drink. Even her little brother acknowledges that she is not cool, but it amazes me how she managed to find her place in the social structure without giving up her principles. For some of these kids their own sense of self, whether “different” or “socially connected”, seems to drive them more than peer pressure. Let us celebrate the strong-willed - now that they aren’t 4 1/2 and driving us insane.</p>