Do kids outgrow high school?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My intuitive response is yes, but I’m hoping for some perspective on this.</p>

<p>I picked my daughter up from an afternoon with her friends the other day, and when she got in the car, she was unusually quite and withdrawn. I asked her what was wrong, and she replied, “I don’t fit in with my friends anymore.” She proceeded to detail some of the afternoon’s conversations…</p>

<p>Some of the girls were sharing their latest sexual encounters, and my daughter apparently asked them to be less graphic, because she feels that this is essentially a private topic. Her friends know that she is committed (for now, at least!) to abstinence until marriage, and in fact have turned to my daughter (and to me) more than once for advice on “boy topics.” But at this gathering, my daughter felt the conversation turned into an assault on her values, with comments like “you’re just a prude who doesn’t know what you’re missing” and “your poor boyfriend…it’s amazing he’s stayed with you this long” (she’s been dating the same boy for 1 1/2 years). I did ask her if she was being overly-sensitive; that maybe the comments were just good-natured teasing, but she felt the comments were made with more sting than the usual ribbing she takes for her stance.</p>

<p>She also felt under the gun when it came to some recent school assignments. Her teachers have been piling on the homework lately (I suspect because it’s junior year and the pressure is on for state standardized tests, as well as SATs and ACTs). Despite the fact that my daughter has been in play rehearsals every school night, she has turned in all of her assignments, completed and on time. This has meant staying up past 2:00am on several occasions, and although she hasn’t been happy about that, she feels it’s her job as a student. However, she said that some of her friends were really mad at her, because they thought she was trying to be a “show-off” and was making them look bad (most of the kids in this group apparently either didn’t turn in the assignments on time or didn’t do them completely).</p>

<p>When my daughter was in elementary school, she was a “pleaser” with teachers, but I’ve (thankfully) watched her grow and make conscious, principled decisions as she’s gotten older. She’s become much less of a pleaser based on external expectations and is much more in tune with her internal expectations. She doesn’t hide her principles, but at least to the extent that I’ve been able to observe, she doesn’t try to preach or change her friends (although she does occasionally ask them to tone things down a bit, like she did with the blow-by-blow accounts of her friends’ sexual activities.) </p>

<p>My daughter wasn’t looking for advice from me; she just needed to vent and to feel like someone still loved her, even if she is an “oddball” (her description). My take on all this is that my daughter is just growing at a different pace and in a different direction than her friends, and that it happens…although it can be a very lonely place to find oneself. I also suspect that she will find college freeing and exciting (because she just doesn’t seem that odd to me :slight_smile: ).</p>

<p>Has anyone else seen this sort of thing happen, or should I be more concerned?</p>

2

<p>Mezzomom, I’m not sure what you mean by your question. It appears to me that your daughter is acting more maturely than some of her friends. Keeping up her school work and getting assignments in on time are life skills that one shouldn’t ever “outgrow.”</p>

<p>On the abstinence thing, she shouldn’t let herself be judged by others’ standards, but it does seem to be a verbal assault for other students to insist on certain conversations in her presence. Whatever moral issues she may have with their behavior, however, I think she’d better not make a federal case out of it when they engage in what for them might be “normal” banter about relationships.</p>

3

<p>my older daughter didn’t fit in , in her high school.
It was a private prep school and we had a very different background than many of her classmates. She had really no close girl friends from her class although they were friendly and she was invited to things. Her friends were either younger than her( at her school) were boys ( from her class) or they were from her volunteer job.
having groups of friends to pick from , whether that is school, sports, a job, serves kids well as they move through high school.
Her graduating class was very small- 18 students, but I have met many kids who feel they are beyond high school and ready for something else.
The great thing about college, is that there is a place for everyone, and my daughter found a school where she really fit. Your daughter will too.</p>

4

<p>Ah. </p>

<p>As for the question, I’d say yes. It’s just part of growing up, imo. </p>

<p>I have a fascinating internship that takes up 1/2 of the periods of my school day. This means I only have morning classes, and right after 4th period I go to work, where I eat lunch and go to meetings and stress about deadlines. </p>

<p>After being a part of that world, when I go back to high school I always feel like I’ve entered another dimension. In one I’m going over notes for an upcoming quarterly meeting and editing DVDs for a new launch, and then I’m back where people are worried about their 89.5% and who was with who last night. </p>

<p>With friends, while I still do enjoy going out and having fun with them, I have different values now. I do feel that after being in a work environment, I have different priorities and act differently. My decisions and the way I look at situations are different then theirs, and they clash a lot especially during newspaper and clubs situations. </p>

<p>I do feel that I’m outgrowing high school, that after four years I’ve exhausted as many resources as I can and that I’m totally ready to be a frosh in college. :slight_smile: Just my POV.</p>

5

<p>You D’s increasing level maturity contributes to her feeling that she is outgrowing high school. And she’s right. My D’s tight group of friends splintered during the beginning of senior year as some just didn’t find the typical hs social scene inviting anymore. D became more friendly with a smaller number of kids who she hadn’t really spent much time with earlier, and these are the ones who have gone on to experience more growth in their lives than those she splintered off from. She’s found common ground with them, they have spread all over the country, and they are the ones she talks to during her first year of college.</p>

<p>I sugggested during her junior year that she consider graduating early (I saw that maturity really kicking in), but she still wanted her fourth year of varsity sport and to continue with her few school-related clubs and organizations. But other than that, she was mentally checked out because her maturity level drove her away from the typical high school shenanigans. She’s sad that her former friends (and these are bright kids) still hang out together at the same college and have not broadened their experiences beyond the same old partying from high school, temporarily interrupted by a little studying.</p>

6

<p>I don’t think your D has outgrown high school. She has outgrown that particular group of friends. Although my S takes college classes (as do some of his friends), he is in with a group who value academics. None of his friends would sneer at someone for wanting to complete homework and handing it on time.<br>
I hope your D find other friends who share more of her values and will not impose theirs on her.</p>

7

<p>I think your daughter is facing several things. It is very difficult to have different values from the majority at that age. It’s hard to be cool and accepted by girls who think they are doing the cool thing and you’re not. If you haven’t, read I am Charlotte Simmons for some insight and to see that it’s a problem in college, too.</p>

<p>It also sounds as though she doesn’t have the most motivated peers. We talk about the right fit for college, but as for high school, the vast majority just go to their local school which may not turn out to be a very good fit. </p>

<p>Even those who go to a local private school, as I initially did, often don’t find a good fit. I knew in 8th grade that I was not going to be happy continuing at the school where I was and only after much work did my parents allow me to find a school where I would be happy. What a difference when you arrive at a place where everyone is motivated and cool means achieving!</p>

<p>Is it any wonder that high school is not a happy time for so many? If she’s well into high school just support her in holding on to her values and keeping a focus on what’s important. If she’s a freshman and you can swing it, look at other schools where she can find more like minded peers.</p>

8

<p>Your daughter sounds like a nice young woman. Sounds like you should be proud of her. Also sounds like she needs to find some new friends. My 10th grader is going through something similar - feels that she’s outgrown her friends. My college sophomore feels sad for some of her friends from high school - says they are totally self-centered and only talk about themselves. So, I’d say what your daughter is running into is totally the norm.</p>

9

<p>i know how your daughter feels. I think I outgrew high school while i was there too… but honestly right now i feel like i’ve outgrown college… I’m just ready to graduate :)</p>

10

<p>I outgrew high school by the end of my freshman year. My solution was to read the Classics shelf at the library, end to end, interspersed with trashy reads. </p>

<p>I probably have a couple of hundred friends–but none from that era in my life. </p>

<p>The experience did strengthen me. I was determined not to be pigeonholed by their low expectations. In fact, the oppression of those years fuelled the aggression and competitveness I needed for architecture school and the architecture profession.</p>

11

<p>Mezzomom:</p>

<p>Take your daughter, remove the b/f of 1.5 years and replace with never-been-kissed, and you have me as a high school junior. Everyone else thought that I worked too hard, thought that I was prudish, asked me if I was a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend, all of that. </p>

<p>I changed but I didn’t change - I still work too hard by most people’s accounts, but it’s something they admire, not condemn me for. I’m still a prude - had my share of men dump me for not sleeping with them - but that’s changing a bit (college-age men are the biggest offenders). </p>

<p>Grew apart from high school friends, but I have an amazing group of friends around me now. The high school friends are all concerned about boys and sex and marriage; the college/grad school friends are thinking about jobs and grad school and friends, sometimes with a boyfriend or girlfriend in the picture. Some people don’t grow out of it, but some people do - and, once college hits, it’s a lot easier to find people who have the same values (school, waiting for sex until ready or marriage, career, etc).</p>

<p>If your D needs a “big sister,” tell her to drop me an email. :slight_smile: She sounds like she’ll be fine - it will be rough until she graduates. She’s growing out of high school and the high-school nonsense before everyone else around her is. It’s healthy.</p>

12

<p>Another comment: the friends badgering her about her not sleeping with her boyfriend is a reflection of their insecurities. They probably have done things that they weren’t ready for and regret, some of it fueled by the boyfriend’s hormones, so they probably pick on your D instead of acknowledging their own issues.</p>

13

<p>mezzomom, my S confided that he did not fit his h.s. at the end of sophomore year, hated the cliques, hated being labeled because he was a bright student, wanted more independence, etc. We found a different and more challenging residential school that has been a good fit for him. I see it’s your D’s junior year and it may be too late for a change. However, I wanted to affirm that yes, some kids do “outgrow” the traditional h.s. setting early IMHO. BTW, your daughter sounds like a young woman of great integrity.</p>

14

<p>Being made fun of for principles that you won’t back down from, having different interests, and generally feeling a little bit aloof from the group, and feeling sad because of that…a lot of what your daughter is going through sounds familiar to me. </p>

<p>IMHO, as another kid, you’re doing exactly the right thing as a parent. Listen to her, let her vent without judging, give her a shoulder to cry on if she needs one, give her lots of hugs, and let her know that you love her. (Even though she may not act like it means anything at the time, trust me, it really does). </p>

<p>She’s incredibly lucky to have a mom like you that cares so much about her (just as I’m lucky to have parents like mine). Hope things get better for her.</p>

15

<p>Mezzomom,
Your daughter sounds like wonderful young girl with a good head on her shoulders. Embracing abstinence in spite of the peer pressure, keeping up her schoolwork on top of all her after-school committments…these are to be commended. You must be so proud of her. I understand it must be hard for her. Times haven’t really changed. Even in my days(long, long time ago), the peer pressure was there, whether it be sex or drugs, and it wasn’t easy to be the prude. Don’t worry. She’ll come out with flying colors and will not regret making wise decisions. As for her friends, hopefully, a little maturity will wake them up. Tell your D that any college that accepts her and she chooses to attend, will be lucky to have her!</p>

16

<p>Oh yeah, there is a time one must move on to new friends. I can see the position your daughter was in . She will find a better nitch soon! My oldest is having a tough senior year. We originally held him back until nearly 6 for kindergarden. This was commonly done among the parents in the know at the time and we were happy with the results. Well, here we are at the end of h.s. and he is mightly ready to leave! One of the most insulting aspects of h.s. is the lack of respect. Kids are expected to sit and ‘be quiet’ in study hall, not be in the halls between classes, not go out for lunch. And now there are even more new rules in consequence of terror fears after what happened in Russia. My son is looking forward to college so much, ah, just the opportunity to pick up a coffee and take it to class! Finally, freedom…</p>

17

<p>Oh damom, are you Italian or lawyerlike? great handle!</p>

18

<p>I too can relate. My junior son was in a group for years with boys that were two grades above him. They all graduated last year. While he has friends in school, he rarely does things on weekends unless it’s a lan (computer) party and often that’s with college boys and a couple of HS kids. He went to pre-first when he was in elementary school and we moved to a school district that did not have pre-first and had a later cut-off date. As a result he’s more then a year older then many of his classmates.</p>

<p>My daughter’s friend group split up at the beginning of her senior year. It was a big deal at the time when one of the girls got caught drinking during school. Part of the group was horrified and didn’t want to have anything to do with her and part of them decided to pretend it never happened. The group of girls had been friends since middle school, had numerous sleep overs, long phone calls, etc. As they got into HS, some became involved in the performance stuff - band, musicals,etc. and some got into sports. The girl that was drinking had started hanging out with her track friends and those were the ones she was caught with. After the incident, she kind of dropped out of my daughters group and hung out with her new friends for the rest of the year. </p>

<p>It’s a shame that there are not at least a couple of girls that feel the same way your daughter does. I myself, lost my best friend in HS when she became sexually active and I couldn’t stand to be around her. I agree with some of the above posters in that she’s might not have outgrown HS, just that set of friends and it’s hard to break into a new group at this stage. You might ask her to look around though and see if there is perhaps another girl that she could spend time with. I think it’s very common to see friendships break up at this time of their lives, but new ones can start too.</p>

19

<p>Oh Mezzomom, tell her she’s not alone, in fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say she feels like most of the kids and offspring on this forum. Ariesathena has great wisdom, and she’s a lot closer to it than most of us are - I think she is especially right about the friends having second thoughts about their behavior, and taking that out on her.</p>

<p>My husband teaches high school, and when my daughter occasionally complains (which is seldom, she grew out of high school in middle school, and prefers her guy friends), his response is “Remember for some of these people, this is the high water mark of their lives. This is the most fun they will ever have, this is the most important they will ever be - YOUR future is ahead, they are a little sad.”</p>

20

<p>They are the oldest and wisest in their respective schools. Many of them know where they are going to college. The path of their lives has been laid out in much greater detail than they are used to seeing. Of course, they will feel as if they have outgrown it.</p>

<p>Your situation sounds extra complicated because your D had friends who were not a good match to begin with. Perhaps she is now beginning to find herself and figure out who she is. Nothing to worry about!</p>