One of my children has been with their so for MANY years. They have grown up with each other and will soon (within the year) get engaged. And then marry about a year later. The first question I know you will ask yourself is why so long? They have worked out the kinks and are truly in love. They aren’t financially stressed at all.
We have recently found out (from someone on the other side) that the surviving parent is ill. Quite ill…The parent is “tough” in the never let you see them in weakness. I saw the parent go to the treatment room at the oncologist. I was there for a checkup. Two sources.
Would you tell the kids to hurry up? or stay silent and hope?
>>>>>>>>>The first question I know you will ask >>>>>>
I wouldn't ask that at all, my question is always why marry at all? My advice to my kids is no to marriage, no to kids. If I was to die tomorrow, I would reiterate that, not rush them.
I don’t know that I’d ask why so long. Especially since I don’t know how long “so long” is. Unless people have a specific reason (such as wanting children), often they don’t feel a particular rush to marry. I got married very quickly, though I suspect we would have delayed getting married if we didn’t have a specific reason (getting joint spouse assignment in the military…which we didn’t get anyways).
Do you think it is important to the ill parent to witness this? As far as being very ill, even if they quickly rushed a marriage, perhaps it would not be a joy to that person anyways. Perhaps the parent would die before the wedding regardless. If the parent was very upset at the prospect of missing the wedding, perhaps they should rush. But I don’t think I’d tell the kids to hurry up, nor would I stay silent. I’d probably ask some questions and expect them to make their own decision.
Don’t intervene. You did say you have two sources, but unless you know the exact diagnosis and the prognosis, I’d stay out of it. When and if they marry is entirely up to them. They a big boy and girl, they now what can happen in life, and they smart enough to decide these things for themselves.
I would leave it alone other than perhaps privately offering the SO support. There are many reasons they might not want to rush things. They may not feel emotionally ready to take such a big step although they envision it in their future. The SO may feel it sends an “I don’t expect you to survive” message to the parent. The SO may be too stressed out by the parent’s situation to even want to think about planning a wedding. The couple can always shorten the time between the engagement and wedding if it seems necessary.
I’m assuming that the kids know about the parent’s illness? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a conversation about it. I’d have it with my child alone, not as a couple, and ask if they’d thought about this. I imagine they have. Two of my daughters have had friends change their wedding plans to be able to have them much earlier, so that an ill parent would be there. It was wonderful for both of these couples and their families. Ultimately, it’s the couple’s decision. I’m sorry your child and their significant other are faced with this, @bevhills .
If I’m interpreting your post correctly, it sounds like you want to tell your child’s SO that “hey, I saw your parent going to the oncologist and I think they’re dying and have been hiding it from you but I decided to make it my business to tell you anyway so you could get engaged and married sooner for their benefit because I think that’s what they’d want even though I have no idea if you two have ever discussed it. And btw tell your parent I’m sorry for gossiping about their medical condition.”
If that’s not accurate, you probably need to provide more details so it doesn’t sound the way it sounds.
If the parent is ‘quite ill,’ won’t everyone know soon anyway? It is not as if the wedding planned for next March and they’d be moving it up by a few months - this wedding is not ‘planned’ for 18 months or more from now. That would be a big ‘move up.’
If ‘the other side’, and the couple, want to move quickly once they get engaged, you should of course do everything to support that decision (as I know you would)
Unless the source of this news is the SO+/or your child, there should be NO discussion of the topic.
If they share about the illness AND ask about timing, that’s you cue to discuss.
There is a lot here that I at least am not clear about. Some people with cancer can be relatively symptom free most of the time for many years. You can’t really know what the prognosis is unless you have discussed this with the patient or someone who has heard from the patient. Even then there can be surprises (in either direction).
I would think that if the surviving parent on the other side wanted to discuss this with their child, then they would have. Personally I would not intervene in this situation.
Perhaps this does remind all of us however to appreciate the health and life and relatives and friends that we do have. None of us will live forever.
Please forgive my bluntness.
You were at the oncologist too, right? But you’re not advising them to rush on your account?
I have an oncologist. So, as of last Thursday, does one of my Seniors. Neither of us is planning to go anywhere soon.
The health of the parent in question isn’t something that others really know about-- the only people who know his/her actual status is the patient and his/her doctors. Everything else is pure speculation. The word “oncologist” conjures up instant images, many of which, thankfully, don’t bear fruit.
If the other parent wants to see the kids married before things get critical, he or she will make those wishes known. I wouldn’t initiate any conversations about the parent’s health based on hearsay.
The parent has a form of leukemia. Treatment has gone on for 5 years…no break. The kids started dating in high school. Our families are close…very close. We knew about the leukemia from the beginning…and what to look out for. The parent has always be thin.
Yes I was at my oncologist. At present I am in remission for10 years. I also have parkinson…so far it isn’t progressing. If something were to change I or Mr. Ellebud would say something. I have no secrets here. I am not trying to get a leg up to see the wedding sooner.
Oh…as to why they didn’t get married sooner…they were 16 when they started dating. They grew up. And from other discussions…about why to get married? It’s called commitment and NOT just to make a baby or two.