<p>How do you manage it?</p>
<p>She died 22 years ago. Which has made the last 22 years much easier for me than the first 36 . . . .</p>
<p>Bay,
my solution - not to have a relationship with my mother. There came a point in my life when I knew that continuing a relationship with my mother was more damaging to me than it was worth. And I sat for a long time pondering the fact that while I can change myself I can’t change my mother. To be in a relationship with her meant I got hurt again and again and so did my son. But its not the solution for everyone. Is there something particular that is difficult or disappointing?</p>
<p>I had a very difficult relationship with my mother until she died last year at the age of 83. I managed, starting when I was about 40, by trying to rise above. I knew she wasn’t going to change, but what could change was my reaction to her. When she criticized, I either pretended not to hear or changed the subject. I bit my tongue a lot. And I tried to do the best I could for her (medically, financially and emotionally) as she was dying. I’m an only child, and have few other relatives, so I felt a real obligation towards her. It was tough, and I admit to feeling some relief when she died, but I’m glad her last years were spent with less hostility between us.</p>
<p>My mother died in 1995 at the age of 60. She was a very difficult person, but I miss her. My mother in law, on the other hand, was an angel and I loved her to pieces. Funny/strange – both of our mothers are gone, but our fathers are alive.</p>
<p>Like oaklandmom and booklady, I also had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and pretty much everyone who crossed paths with her experienced her dysfunction. A couple of years before her death, she disowned my family and me (kicked us out of her home at my brother’s wedding when my six kids ranged in age from 11 years down to 4 months). She subsequently disowned/disinherited us, and I was not officially notified of her death in Dec. '01 by anyone in my birth family, was denied access to her death bed, and was banned from her funeral. My father, who did her bidding for his entire married life (he was an “inverted narcissist”), has not spoken to me since her death either (nor have my siblings). </p>
<p>Sometimes relationships, even nuclear family relationships, can be too toxic to sustain. </p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>I manage by trying to hard to remember the Talmudic commentary on “Honor Your Father and Mother…” which says, immediately after that commandment, Scripture reads, “…so that you live long.”
It’s not what you’d think; the commenting rabbis didn’t say that you buy yourself long years as a “reward” because they had no such mechanical understanding of theology or rewards from God.
Rather, they wrote that your own children observe now how you care for your elders, even and especially when they are difficult. So that when you, too, are old they’ll be there for you…and you’ll live longer.</p>
<p>My elders are often very difficult and try my patience mightily. They seem to fight harder now as their powers wane. They struggle to maintain some control instead of accepting and letting themselves be helped, which makes it much harder to help. Unlike my children, who can often be reasoned with to make good decisions, the elders grant no authority or wisdom to their kids, even as we reach the age of grandparents ourselves. It is very hard sometimes but absolutely necessary to perservere and try.</p>
<p>
I think that in most cases, this is true. However, when someone in your family is psychologically dysfunctional and becomes emotionally dangerous to you, and, as was the case with my mother, to my CHILDREN, you not only have the option of severely limiting contact or denying it, but also the obligation to do so. </p>
<p>In other words, dealing with someone who is rebelling against being older and not wanting to relinquish decision making is an entirely different thing than dealing with a woman who claimed that my <strong><em>17-month-old son</em></strong> was an inherently bad and “evil” being because he tripped and fell with a miniature pool ball in hand while toddling over to my mother to proudly show it to her and accidentally grazed her cheek with it. This is <em>NOT</em> within the realm of normal. Not no how, not NO WAY, and giving her the “honor” of indulging that sick behavior simply because she is related to me would make me an irresponsible parent, IMHO. (And that is just one of a bajillion stories I could tell you.)</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Like booklady, I changed - - but rather than ignore her criticism, I mellowed and somehow managed to see that, even if inartfully stated, she meant for her comments to be helpful.</p>
<p>Since she died, the problem has been w/ my father - - not difficult or unkind, just cool and reticent.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>In retrospect, this was part of it as well. In caring for my mother during her last months (which I had to do long distance) my children saw an example of this, imperfect as I was at it. I know that they (particularly my D) were aware of what a toll it took on me, and were very supportive and understanding of the time I spent away from them.</p>
<p>And hugs to you, berurah. What you experienced is a whole different order of magnitude from anything I went through.</p>
<p>Since my father passed away 2 years ago, my mother has become increasingly difficult for me and my siblings to deal with. I attribute much to her anger, sadness and lonliness. Partially, she is developing a bit of dementia (83 years old) but is unaware or unwilling to admit. She won’t wear a hearing aide, use her cane and gets annoyed with the “assistance” at the assisted living center where she has her own little apartment. I just try and remember that she won’t be around too much longer (though she is pretty healthy for her age). I also want to be a role model for my kids so they treat me well when I get old, cranky and forgetful.</p>
<p>I visited my mother’s apartment with a couple of gifts on Mother’s Day and she handed me information about a charity she likes, commenting, “You might want to start giving to it now that your kids are gone.” Later in our half hour visit she started telling me how much she dislikes Katie Couric. </p>
<p>She also has narcissistic personality disorder, IMHO. Being the only daughter, I get the brunt of her dysfunctionality. She dislikes successful women and tries to put me down whenever she can. Lots of things trigger her own insecurity and then: look out.</p>
<p>The most difficult part is that, since I was raised by her, I know I have her tendencies. Each and every time I see or talk with her, I tell myself she is showing me how NOT to be with my own kids, and I resolve that I will not turn into her. It is sad that she is such a negative example.</p>
<p>No, not really. MY mother did the best she could raising six kids.</p>
<p>As a teenager, I resented my Dad for some of the choices he made at the time: career and travel choices that I felt we not in the best interest of the family. As I have matured, grown up and raised a family of my own I have a very different perspective on the sacrifices he made for his faimly.</p>
<p>At times my mother is petty, my dad is grumpy, but i still love them and wish they were closer than across the ocean.</p>
<p>Berurah, yes, there are situations that are so dreadful and toxic, they are beyond the pale.
If I had to suffer that, I might even cut off contact and say that’s the right message for a child to see, because it’s done not for selfish reasons but to protect oneself and one’s children from harm.
I have a SisterInLaw whose Mom was severely schizophrenic. MY SIL turned herself inside out trying to find her to take care of her. In that case, the “disinheriting” came when her mom absented herself from everyone’s life, and wouldn’t tolerate connections. My SIL had to manage it from outside her own home, so it wouldn’t wreck her life and that of her own children.<br>
It was so hard for her! She had no real peace until the woman finally died (my SIL handling all the arrangements, of course). She carried her daughter’s name in her belongings, which basically consisted of shopping and garbage bags, so she was trackable at the time of death.<br>
In those toxic situations I guess it’s best to simply try to make enough fences that the next generation is protected…and hopefully we’ll all “live” longer.</p>
<p>How appropriate… she’s arriving on Friday for D’s graduation on Sunday.</p>
<p>I’ve always known she was difficult and I felt horrible when I am around her, but it’s been in the past 3-4 years that I’ve successfully analyzed it and tried to put it in words. ** And very recently did I realize that part of what upsets me when she is around is my anger and grief at not having a nice mom like so many of my friends. ** I don’t know if it is Tennessee thing, but I know tons of women who get along really well with their moms – it’s been shocking to see!</p>
<p>My parents raised us never to talk back to them or any adult. Yet my mom was allowed to say things like, “You’re a lazy, selfish pig.” I spent 20+ years being busy-busy at my house whenever she visited before I realized I was trying to show her that I wasn’t lazy. It’s also hurtful that she now sees our childhood through rose colored glasses. Does she really not remember? </p>
<p>She’s still bitter at my dad for the divorce 27 years ago.</p>
<p>My mom thinks she knows all the answers to all of the world’s problems. She really thinks she could fix everything if she could just get Congress to sit down and listen to her. She’s equally adamant about each of her opinions. She doesn’t like a restaurant? Then it shouldn’t exist! </p>
<p>My youngest D recently remarked, “Grandma can’t say something positive without following it with something negative.” Bulls-eye.</p>
<p>My mother constantly talks about how frugal she has to be. I finally said, “How bad can things be? You spent 3 weeks in January in Florida. You and your husband have 4 cars and 4 houses.” (One’s an old truck and 2 are rental properties, but come on…) One of her frugal habits is to bring her gross leftovers from her fridge when she drives 6 hours to visit. It would be wasteful to throw away those 2 tablespoons of frozen peas!! She puts them in my fridge and insists on eating them first before she eats my food.</p>
<p>One time she was going on about how she and her husband had to be careful because something could happen and they could end up in the homeless shelter. I said, “Do you really think B (my brother) or I would let you live in a homeless shelter?” She replied, “Well, you’ve never told me any differently.” I told her that I didn’t think most people had to say to their parents explicitly, “By the way, I wouldn’t let you live in a homeless shelter.” It’s sort of one of those understood things.</p>
<p>There really are a lot of nice people in Tennessee. It makes it all the more noticable when you are with someone who is not.</p>
<p>my mother?
have you met my mother?
:rolleyes:
When I was 17 my mother suspected my father had taken an overdose of his prescription medicine ( he was having a seizure) but she delayed calling for help because she wanted to teach him a lesson.
( he died)
Then she took the insurance money- bought a new car, paid off the house and went on a cruise ( after she had a face lift- she was 40- she apparently wanted to look 25… but she would have had to have a body lift for that! ;))</p>
<p>Anyway- I feel bad for her, because she pretty much hasn’t done much with her life- but that isn’t my problem.
I call her frequently- ( she lives about 5 miles away), listen to her complaints for about 10 minutes and hang up.</p>
<p>While I wish I had relatives that had given me more guidance growing up, she also serves as a visible reminder to be active, to be involved and to not live through your children. ( not that she expected me to amount to anything anyway- but she expects me to give her more attention than she gave me growing up)</p>
<p>Wow, emeraldkity, that’s really bad. </p>
<p>I do think those of us with, shall we say, less-than-perfect mothers can learn from our experiences and use them in a positive way. I have several friends that have done just that, and I consider myself challenged to do the same.</p>
<p>Berurah - I have to say I was absolutely shocked at your post. I’m relatively new but your posts have always been filled with the kindest, gentlest, most humorous sentiments on the board. I just imagine you as some all-loving earth mother and I’m so saddened to hear of your terrible relationship with your moom. What did you ever do to come out OK?<br>
I too had a toxic mom - cold, harsh and alcoholic to boot. She died when I was 20. I didn’t see it at the time, but since I’ve had children, I’m a little more understanding. To have 7 children, one severely handicapped and no real choices (mid-century Roman Catholic) would be a little too much for my plate as well. But as I said she died over 30 years ago, so perhaps I can afford to be a little forgiving.</p>
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<p>MaryTN, this just hit my funny bone! Ha!!</p>
<p>On to the question; I have never been super close with my mom. We just don’t have much in common and she suffers from low self esteem and a few other things. I feel like I am closer with my aunt (her younger sister).</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, berurah. I am very sorry that your relationship with your mother was so painful. I lurk on this site occasionally, often enough to recognize that anyone would be very fortunate to have a mother like you. You have responded in the best possible way to the terrible luck of having an unfit parent. Well done!</p>
<p>Bay, I am another example of an adult whose “mother issues” have been the cause of much pain. I am fifty years old and I believe that I have only begun to understand her within the past couple of years. I could produce an extended litany of her words and actions toward me over the years, but that would gobble up far too much space on CC. </p>
<p>I am guessing that you are a teenager and might be in need of advice about your situation? Here are my two cents: given my own personality and education, I always tried to understand my mom’s behavior toward me as if it were a mathematical problem. I tried to take it apart, analyze it, and come up with a solution. This was a waste of time. Don’t waste your time trying to do the same thing. My mother is irrational, highly emotional, and utterly solipsistic. She has a great capacity for jealousy. I was the firstborn and my father was very proud of my academic ability. This enraged her. When I was seventeen, she told me that she would always favor my two brothers because my father favored me. Worse yet, she asked me “why should you get to go to college, when I didn’t get to go?” </p>
<p>I would imagine that the last statement would make any good CC parent’s blood run cold, right? I did go to college, btw, and ultimately earned a doctorate in my field. I am fairly certain that she has no idea what my major field was! She has never asked about any aspect of my career, nor congratulated me about anything.</p>
<p>My point: some people have serious personality & emotional flaws and really shouldn’t have children. Yet the parent, as an authority figure, can make the child feel as if s/he is the source of the adult’s problems–as if s/he is at fault. I can’t tell you how many times over the years I’ve had to hear about how much more she would have accomplished in life if only she had never gotten married or had children! Helen Mirren won an Oscar because she wasn’t encumbered by children (sorry that I couldn’t resist mentioning that Meryl Streep has 3-4 kids)… Condoleeza Rice has a great life because she isn’t married with kids…I’ve learned enough not to say a word to that one! </p>
<p>Don’t let a negative, critical parent bring you down. Celebrate who you are and distance yourself from hurtful people, mothers included.</p>