<p>I have been on the receiving end of being ditched because “something better comes up” & try to limit my involvement with such folks. I only allow my kids to get out of a commitment if it is seriously interfering with their academics (causing them to go on academic probation or similar) or is a health or safety risk.
My son had someone back out on commitments to him from preschool through 2nd grade & it has made deep (& VERY sad) impressions on him. His is very selective about his commitments & honors them, as does my D. If they’re not POSITIVE they will be able to commit, they don’t & then go & volunteer if they find out they have enough time & energy to participate.</p>
<p>i help myself to things at my friends houses… sometimes i keep my own food there, but i’m 23 and we’ve been friends for ages and it’s almost like second nature to do that. (i used to keep a gallon of ice cream at my best friends house at college and i’d constantly stop by to eat it after my 930 pm monday night class… haha) the other day i spent the night at my best friends house and i got up before everyone and cooked everyone (three other people ) breakfast in bed. they were totally suprised. if i would of woken up someone and asked “can i use your food and use your kitchen to cook you guys breakfast in bed” they would of said no because they wouldn’t of wanted me to do that.</p>
<p>i always take my shoes off at the door at friends houses, even though they don’t do it here.</p>
<p>i would never change anyones tv or pause their movie or anything like that. i also leave the room if i need to talk to someone when a movie is on - i find it very rude when people have conversations with each other when you’re watching as a group… it’s not fair to the people trying to watch the movie.</p>
<p>i think it really just depends on the person. I mean, if i had someone i barely know over at my house taking my food or changing the tv we wouldn’t be friends much longer. if it’s my boyfriend or a really good friend, they can take what they want.</p>
<p>HI MOM: </p>
<p>I know exactly what you are talking about. One of my son’s would often come home and say, “XXXX wants to do something Saturday night” so my kid would keep that date “free” only to find out days later that now XXXX won’t be going because XXXX now has a date. After this happened a few times with two friends, my son has learned not to depend on those people, and when he gets an opportunity to do something else, he’ll get a further committment from the friend that the friend intends to keep committment, before declining the new opportunity.</p>
<p>I remember YEARS ago, a friend invited several of us over for New Years Eve. When New Years Eve arrived she called THAT DAY and cancelled her party because she and her hubby decided to drive out to Las Vegas instead. We were VERY annoyed because we had already declined two other party invites for that evening. I let her know that we had declined those other parties and that I wasn’t happy with her behavior. It was obvious that she (and other like her) have gotten used to doing stuff like this without ever getting “called on it.”"</p>
<p>fender: >>>> i help myself to things at my friends houses… sometimes i keep my own food there, but i’m 23 and we’ve been friends for ages and it’s almost like second nature to do that. <<<<</p>
<p>No problem with this!!! I have some very close friends who know that I EXPECT them to get their own drinks when they are in my home (and vice versa). But it would be weird if a “new friend” just opened my frig and grabbed something. “Boundaries” get more loose when friendships become more familiar and more “family-like”. </p>
<p>However, when kids come to my home (who are not regulars) and they just open up the pantry or frig, I think that is rude. Even the “regulars” will ask first – not just go to the frig.</p>
<p>It really hits home when you are the professional working with these kids. I am a boys varsity tennis coach at a very small private school. Needless to say, I do not have a very deep team. I and the AD (athletic director) set up matches long in advance of the season with many public schools - need to have a certain amount of matches in to qualify for counties and also good for these kids to get as much play as possible. I had one athlete tell me 10 minutes before we left for a match that he had to go for a physical to take his drivers permit exam in the a.m. I know the docs. he goes to see and know that could have been changed - but no, the mom insisted and he never showed for the match - even though I kept calling him and he said he would be there any minute. The team member from the other school patiently waited with my reassurance - but a no show. I was totally embarassed and I am sure that coach will never want to play us again. He quit the next day because of homework issues from what I heard. HE NEVER approached me to explain anything and still avoids me. Another team member would tell me that if he didn’t get on to play “soon” he would have to leave for a guitar lesson. I wanted to scream at him (which I would never do) but, believe me, he never played up very high. My son, on the other hand, was the only decent player on a pretty bad team. He was at every practice and even helped me with the “new no knowledge of tennis,” 9th graders. He is a three sport athlete and knows about commitment, no matter what! He has played on some of the worst teams, sometimes wanted to quit (especially when he felt like the coach was asking him to coach and not be the player) but never gave up. All three of my children understand commitment - sports and other activities teach this as long as the parents reinforce it. Believe me, I have seen so much lack of support from parents! But I will persevere because there are many great dedicated kids out there! By the way, it was fun to be the mom/coach. He is now off to Emory with 12 athletic letters and never missing a competition in 4 years! He should be very proud of his accomplishments but, more importantly, he has been a great role model for my 5 ninth graders and other students at this small school! And he won counties -unseeded!</p>
<p>When I was younger I tried out different sports and quit when I didn’t particularly like them, but I always stuck it out for at least the whole season. I now am on my highschool’s sailing team and we REALLY don’t have a deep team. There were some people who, towards the end of the year, had some committment issues and it was very obnoxious/aggravating. I have some friends that come over to my house and help themselves to my pantry. I actually appreciate them taking the initiative: Makes it easier to be a good host 
I guess the friendship commitment depends on what is being blown off, how long you have been friends, and what you are blowing it off for. If I were going to hang out with one of my really close friends and he later informs me that this girl he just met wanted to hang out with him that night, but he chose to spend the night with me, I would slap him :P</p>
<p>donleyc:</p>
<p>I can totally relate to your situation. It’s gotten to the point that people need to get other people to sign up in blood in order to get them to honor committments.</p>
<p>The only thing that I would suggest to coaches (and others in similar situations) is something that our kids’ tennis coach does:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Bring parents and athletes together in a meeting and explain the importance of committment and being part of a team. </p></li>
<li><p>Explain the unfair consequences to the team that occur when athletes are “flakey” – Give details because some parents/students are clueless about all the logistics involved in sports planning and coaching and these people need these things really spelled out to them. Otherwise they will exclaim that they “didn’t know” that their absence would cause “such a problem.”</p></li>
<li><p>Explain what kind of things are “excusable” absence (sickness, etc) and what kind things are not excusable (ortho appts, physicals, things that can be done some other time). </p></li>
<li><p>Explain that the coach needs to be contacted AS SOON as possible if an athlete cannot be at a practice or game. Do not depend on another athlete to “relay” the infomation (frequently a fellow athlete will forget to relay the info to the coach in a timely manner).</p></li>
<li><p>Then, get both parents and students to sign 2 copies of some kind of “pledge”. This is an agreement to attend practices and games. The agreement also reiterates the above listed items so that there is no excuse that they “didn’t hear” a particular point that was made during the meeting. </p></li>
<li><p>Keep one copy of the pledge for your records and give one to the athlete/family. </p></li>
<li><p>If necessary, periodically remind students/parents of the pledge that they made.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Also… I would also add something about the importance of keeping up with one’s grades and learning how to manage homework. No team likes to lose players because of poor grades. Both parents and students need to know that kids will not be permitted to miss practices just because they didn’t manage their homework and now have to miss practice in order to do it. Our sons’ coach would only allow a kid to miss practice for homework when a teacher literally "bombed’ the kids with homework and there was no way to get it all done and go to practice, too. But that is a rare situation.</p>
<p>Great idea! What a pain but it is going to happen next year. And you can actually have a tennis team with very few “committed” players.</p>
<p>donley:</p>
<p>forgot to add;</p>
<p>Ask parents not to include practices/games when grounding kids. Practices and games should be treated like school is treated in such circumstances (kids go to school when grounded). Parents who don’t allow “grounded” kids to attend practice/games are punishing an innocent team. If the grounding is because of grades (that are still high enuf to play) there are other negative consequences that can be given (a coach can “work” with a parent on this issue and talk to the kid about the importance of school work.)</p>
<p>mstee:</p>
<p>sometimes parents have to make a judgment call and allow/insist a kid quit something that is potentially harmful, etc. That is reasonable. Iti can’t always be “no quitting ever”.</p>
<p>another thing that bugs me is when you ask someone if they want to do something and they say they don’t know. then you don’t hear anything so you make plans with someone else, and then the original person gets mad because you made plans with them… even though they never once committed to doing something.</p>
<p>fender:</p>
<p>When a friend gives you a “non committal” response to an invitation to go do something, respond by saying something along the lines of: </p>
<p>“Well, if you can’t go then I’m going to see if XXXX wants to do something that day”. If your really friend does want to do something with you, he/she will probably immediately give a more “committed” answer or at least say that he/she will let you know “for sure” in short while. Either way, you will be putting your friend “on notice” that you aren’t going to wait around for her to decide and she can’t get mad later when you do make plans with someone else.</p>
<p>its just funny because i don’t normally plan things in advance, it’s usually just hey want to do something tonight, sure. and then we do something. just every once and awhile i’ll say ahead of time hey lets do something on saturday night. and the next thing i know it’s saturday night and i still don’t have a response, so then it becomes a hey want to do something tonight with someone else. well then the original person finally responds. i just want to pull my hair sometimes, haha. but that’s a good idea and i’ll try that from now on.</p>
<p>My kids keep their social and EC commitments (as do their parents), but I caution them NOT to commit themselves to anything unless they KNOW it’s something they’ll be willing to do, since they’ll have to eventually do it. Here’s where the problem lies, IMO - people may often say “yes” to a future event or obligation just to be agreeable, then realize they won’t be happy about it when the time comes. My solution: I say no to everything! Well, just about - I don’t like parties or dinners except with very close friends or family members, so my response is always - “Sorry, we can’t make it. Thanks for thinking of us!”</p>
<p>What I find rude is when folks expect a reason for a refused invitation. Now, my reasons could be that I don’t like their spouse, I have to work overtime that day and will be too tired to go out, or there’s a movie I want to watch on TCM that night. If I shared any of those reasons, however, I’d be deemed the “rude” one. I try to just endure the silence if I’m pushed for a reason, secure in the knowledge that I’m not likely to be asked by this particular person again.</p>
<p>I don’t see this as not honoring social commitments, however - just being on the anti-social side. Now, don’t even get me started about people who don’t honor carpooling commitments … Of course, my solution to that is that I just don’t carpool anymore.</p>
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<p>So what is wrong with just saying something like: " I/we have other plans for that night." It’s true, you do have other plans… rest, watch a movie, whatever… (and you are right, it is rude for them to ask “why” you can accept an invitation.) </p>
<p>I dont’ like one of my friend’s husband, so I purposely invite my friend to things that are for “just girls” or when he is out of town. Then I get to spend time with her and not her rude husband.</p>
<p>I have a question about taking shoes off at the door.</p>
<p>In the South, where I was raised, people don’t remove their shoes upon entering another house unless they are very very very familiar with the family. For example, if I went to a dinner party or a birthday party, I would keep my shoes on. And, if people are coming over to YOUR house, you meet them wearing shoes as well.</p>
<p>However, in New England, people take their shoes off at the door. I started doing it as soon as I saw others doing it, but it feels like to me to be the ultimate familiarity, on the same level as putting your feet on the furniture or sitting in a chair sideways. Can someone explain to me why we do this?</p>
<p>Not really a familiarity thing, but more of a don’t trek dirt all around the house, don’t scuff up the floors, etc. </p>
<p>I have these friends at school with a huge beautiful house and you always take your shoes off at the door. So that you don’t scuff up or mark up the hardwood floors or bring in dirt. The first time they were ever at my house (They were just coming in for five minutes) every single one of them took off their shoes and lined them up at the door. My mom looked at them as if they were angels… nobody has ever done that here before.</p>
<p>Around this part of “the south”, we take our shoes off for two reasons: Not to “mark up” or leave heel marks on wood floors and not to track the dreaded “Alabama red clay mud” onto carpets.</p>
<p>In California, we began taking our shoes off when entering people’s homes year ago when carpet colors kept getting lighter and lighter.</p>
<p>In HI, it is an Asian custom to take footwear off when entering the home (much of HI is Asian). Most homes follow the custom, whether their are Asians in residence or not & whether they were born & raised in the US or not. It makes housework much lighter & is also more sanitary not to track stuff from the outside into the home.</p>
<p>I also know a few northern state residents who do the same. They’re so used to taking off their snow covered boots upon arriving, that they are just in the same habit during the summer months.</p>