<p>On another thread it became obvious that some kids are cancelling commitments (such as prom dates) for very “lame” reasons. Assuming that their parents are aware that the commitments were made, I am wondering if there are CC parents that allow such behavior. I wonder if such parents are aware of the long term consequences for allowing such behavior?</p>
<p>And, if parents aren’t aware that their kids had a prom date (or some other commitment) in the first place, why is THAT!!! </p>
<p>Why aren’t parents sharing basic social etiquette with their kids???</p>
<p>Also, is it possible that kids are cancelling commitments “willy-nilly” because they have witnessed their parents do the same? </p>
<p>(I stopped inviting one couple over to our home because they were famous for calling at 5pm to say that they couldn’t come over for dinner because of some very lame excuse – How annoying after I spent two days buying and preparing “nicer meals” for “company”!!! At first I thought that maybe they didn’t really “like us” but then found out that they do this all the time to others. Some people are just so self-absorbed that they never even think how their irresponsibility affects others (who are left dateless or with a table full of food!)</p>
<p>So… CC parents… do you allow your kids to cancel commitments for “lame” reasons??? </p>
<p>(For reasons not to be “lame”, the reasons must be serious – like being VERY sick or having a death in the immediate family !! Needing to study or do homework (because the kid didn’t manage his time properly) is NOT an excuse. Certainly, being asked out by a cuter guy/girl is not an excuse!!!</p>
<p>So… are there no CC parents who allow this behavior??? Or are some too afraid to confess? </p>
<p>Ok… so what basic social manners do YOU think that parents should teach their kids</p>
<p>(And remember, we set the example by our own behavior. If we cancel out on commitments becuz we worked in the yard all day and were then “too tired” to fulfill the commitment, then we are to “blame” becuz WE didn’t manage out time correctly and allowed ourselves to “get too tired.” In such a case, we could have “quit” the yardwork earlier so we wouldn’t be soooo tired – and respected the previously made commitments that affect others.)</p>
<p>So… what “basic social manners” should be “passed down” to kids?</p>
<p>I have had offspring who wanted to miss an EC commitment because it was their birthday.</p>
<p>Although a knock-down, drag-out fight ensued, I insisted on attendance.</p>
<p>I must admit I am more lenient with activities where those running the program don’t seem to care if the kids miss, versus those that expect perfect attendance.</p>
<p>We have always insisted that our kids honor commitments whether they wanted to or not. </p>
<p>They also were not allowed to quit a team, group, organization in mid-year. They didn’t have to do it the next year but they had to finish out that year, season, etc.</p>
<p>I wonder if many parents have no idea that their kids have not been taught so-called “proper manners.”</p>
<p>My kids’ friends come from nice families but I think that the parents would be a bit surprised by some of their behaviors.</p>
<p>One kid thinks nothing of opening our frig or pantry to get something without asking.</p>
<p>One kid told us that he doesn’t like the Sunkist brand of orange soda that we had and he told us that we should buy a different brand in the future!!!</p>
<p>One kid just grabbed the remote and changed the TV channel (I was watching TV at the time.)</p>
<p>One kid just went up to our stereo and turned it on without asking anyone. </p>
<p>I am SURE that these boys’ parents would be shocked to know about these instances. I wonder if some parents have not really “observed” their kids when they take them to others’ homes. Perhaps, when parents go “visiting”, they spend their time in different rooms than their kids do so they don’t really see how they behave.</p>
<p>We were always told that if we were thirsty to ask (politely) for a glass of water; if the host has something better to offer, he will do so.</p>
<p>We were told never to ask for food/snacks, etc.</p>
<p>We were told to never say that we didn’t “like something” that was served.</p>
<p>That statement really boils my blood. My kids were taught at a young age NEVER to expect or demand something “first”. Or to expect a second helping of something (especially sweets) if there isn’t enuf for EVERYONE to have a second helping (second cupcake or whatever!!!) </p>
<p>When kids are visiting in my home and a kid says “I call it first” in front of me, I’ll tell them that they will now get it last (or not at all.)</p>
<p>When I was a teacher, kids would bring in cupcakes for their birthdays. I thought that was fine. Usually, the mom would send in enuf for each kid and a few extras (perhaps for the teacher or principal or whoever). It always amazed me when the cupcakes were passed out to the kids, there were always one or two kids that would say, “I call the extra cupcake”. I would firmly explain that no student was going to get a second one if everyone can’t have a second one. </p>
<p>We were always taught that when a dessert (or WHATEVER) was served, to look around to see how many people need to be served and to be sure not to take more than a “fair share”. there is nothing more embarrassing than to see someone take a huge amount of something when others still need to be served!!!</p>
<p>I wonder if this is the result of what I call the Small Family Syndrome. (i have a small family so I’m not criticizing small families!). I come from a family of 7 kids so we KNEW not to take more than our fair share AND not to expect to be FIRST!!</p>
<p>my kids do have priorities- but I don’t think this sort of thing has come up much.
The cupcake thing reminds me of when D was turning I think- 9- I had brought ice cream bars to her class ( small class- perhaps 12?) anyway, I didn’t realize that there was an extra child visiting that day. I started passing them out to the right of D, so that she would be the last to get one, since she was the birthday child. I ran out before I got to her!
so upsetting! I ran to the corner store ( literally) to buy another box, but the girl who was visiting had given her icecream to her- they ended up being best friends :)</p>
<p>We also had the rule that you finished an obligation for the season. This was also to help them learn that things get better.</p>
<p>For instance my D worked at the barn when a real witch was in charge. Several people quit, because she was just not a good person to be responsible for teens and horses. However, I questioned D carefully, and determined that "C"s behavior was not overly affecting her experience there, and witchipoo, soon left, D stayed there for several more years.</p>
<p>Recently younger D had registered for a class, that was supposed to be on Wednesday ( track meets are on Thurs). Unfortunately after the class began, it moved to Thurs- I allowed her to miss one or two meets early on, but she eventually had to drop the class- which I don’t think either of us was to blame for, as if it had been held when originally scheduled, it would have worked out</p>
<p>But usually we don’t really have conflicts- ( well except with the upcoming high school field trip & college graduation- but we worked that out- both H & I are driving- and I will stay in town to help D1 move out- H & D2 will leave immediately after graduation to take her to the field trip-he isn’t really a social animal anyway & she will get there by dinner hopefully)</p>
<p>One time I had a student who “snuck” behind my back to grab an extra cupcake after I had already said “no”. I took that cupcake right back and threw in the trash!!!</p>
<p>that was so mature for the young “visiting child” to give up her ice cream. *</p>
<p>She is a very mature young woman ( she is Ds friend who ended up skipping high school and going right to university- * double majoring in physics and astronomy* her parents also brought her up to call everyone Mrs or Mr, something that in casual Seattle we don’t hear too much of!)</p>
<p>We do not let our kids cancel commitments for “lame reasons.” i.e if you accept a birthday party invitation and 2 days later you get an invitation to a party you’d rather attend, you still have to go to the first one because that’s what you said you would do. If you start a sport, you finish the season. Other activities, in general, you finish the year. However, if my kid were totally miserable, I guess I might let them leave at a natural breakpoint if it were allowed. For example, after a major concert or performance, but not before. I’ve seen parents let kids quit dance about 2 weeks before a major performance which throws the choreography into chaos. No way would I let my kids do that, no matter how unhappy they were. My kids attend all their commitments even if they’re tired, hungry, or just don’t feel like going that day (this rarely happens). Isn’t this good training for life? How many people can decide not to go to work, just because they don’t feel like it?</p>
<p>Lots of parents/kids don’t have good manners. My pet peeve is lack of RSVP. People just don’t do it. Or the dreaded, “I might be able to come.” Some kids, don’t even have the basics mastered. While I was waiting for my d’s private music lesson, a teacher was asking a student (high schooler) "What do you say to the accompanist after you are leaving an audition? Her response- “Goodbye”? The answer: “Thank you.”</p>
<p>I try to make sure my kids honor their commitments - for example, with music lessons - my younger son has decided he no longer wants to continue with violin, but wants to do guitar, but I’ve told him he needs to keep doing violin to the end of the school year. Also,when my older son can’t make his piano lesson, he needs to call the teacher himself and let her know, or he has to pay for the lesson himself.</p>
<p>In another situation with my older son, he was asked to give a speech for the honor society at the junior high he had attended - although he was flattered and wanted to do it, he told them he’d think about it because he couldn’t promise to do it without figuring out his schedule. As it turned out, he decided he could not do it because he had too many IB exams and a study group the night that they wanted him to give the speech. Long story short, he found another speaker for the honor society and made the arrangements himself, even though he had not truly made a commitment in the first place. I was disappointed that he wouldn’t be giving the speech, but I was proud of him for following through!</p>
<p>I know what you mean about the lack of manners. I am very disturbed when other kids come over and help themselves to the contents of my fridge without asking, or when they ask me themselves if they can have something to eat (I do tend to offer food and would prefer to be the one doing so!).</p>
<p>I had one kid (granted he was spending the night, but still) who helped himself to the use of my personal laptop without asking - I found that pretty annoying and rude.</p>
<p>Of course, it’s always possible that my kids are behaving badly at someone else’s house, in which case, I would really want to be told. I’m hopeful that it doesn’t happen too often…they’ve been reminded endlessly to say please and thank you and be respectful etc.etc.!</p>
<p>The most surprising thing to me in this thread is the rude/boorish behavior of kids in other people’s homes. It has always been my experience that kids are at their best in other homes. They bring out their “testing” behaviors at home, but you know you’ve raised them right when you hear the reports from other parents. S’ friends have always been of stellar behavior in my home. “Hello, Mrs. jmmom. This dinner is so wonderful, Mrs. jmmom…” They take their shoes off at the door (never asked them to do that), politely ask before even getting a glass of tap water, etc. </p>
<p>Truly, someone failed to raise some kids with any manners at all. I doubt you have to worry, Chatnoir. I’d be willing to bet your kids are among those who would make you proud at another home.</p>
<p>I am sick of kids who join sports teams, and then drop out because they are not having a good time, or are not the best player. Happens every year, and parents don’t seem to re-inforce the need for dedication and committment. </p>
<p>I have on occassion (rarely) allowed my kids to skip a soccer practice/CCD if there is a friend’s Birthday party or a huge exam, but they do have to make the phonecall to the coach/teacher excusing themselves.</p>
<p>As for prom dates, I am still angry from 2 years ago, when my D and a male friend (not a b.f.) decided to attend together, but then his parents found out that she was not of the same race, and made him ask another girl of his race. I told the boy that he was a complete wimp, and that his parents never seemed to mind him getting rides home in my car all year round. My D hardly cared, and even though she had another guy ask her, she decided to form a group of female and male friends that went to prom together. The moron and his date joined the group, as they were bored!!!</p>
<p>*I am sick of kids who join sports teams, and then drop out because they are not having a good time, or are not the best player. Happens every year, and parents don’t seem to re-inforce the need for dedication and committment. *
this has happened more at the school level , than the community team level.
school practice is every day & it can be grueling, but it isn’t just a chance to get a cool uniform.
younger D has a math class everyday after school- that couldn’t be changed, so she misses the first part of practice everyday- that is really hard- but it won’t be that way next year, and she always runs in all the meets.
But a big chunk of kids took two weeks off to go to a marine science field trip in hawaii, and when they came back, they haven’t come back to practice ( D wanted to go- but it was a “lottery”).
Pretty irritating, and while track is set up differently than other team sports, it still is noticable.</p>
<p>I usually tell my kids that they have to finish what they have started, but I also tell them that they don’t have to stay in a situation that is unbearable to them or making them completely miserable. </p>
<p>For instance, as I was reading this, I was thinking, "Well, we don’t do that. My kids are told that they need to finish the session/term etc. "</p>
<p>But then I remembered there have been times when I’ve pulled one out of a class (twice for one of my S’s in junior high when it got to the point of being unbearable for him to continue), and recently I allowed my oldest daughter to quit the high school musical (minor part). Truthfully, I really wanted her to stick it out, partly because it is one of her favorites and I was convinced she would end up enjoying it. We had several conversations about it and that she really should stick it out. But she was miserable, and she kept telling me stories of how mean the director was (demeans the kids and calls them names, throws things, gets in a mood and doesn’t show for rehearsals sometimes, etc.)-- I thought she was probably exaggerating, but finally when she told me that the director told the kids that they weren’t singing right unless it <em>hurt</em>, I told her she could quit. </p>
<p>It was a judgment call, and maybe it was <em>lame</em>, but things sure have been better since she quit. Rehearsals started in Nov. and the play is just wrapping up now. That would have been 6 mos. of misery (for her and the rest of the family, since she is not the type to suffer quietly). </p>
<p>So, no, I don’t normally let my kids quit things, but sometimes, when their mental health appears to be in danger, or it appears that something inappropriate is happening in the classroom or activity, I do.</p>
<p>Prefect writes: >>>> Lots of parents/kids don’t have good manners. My pet peeve is lack of RSVP. People just don’t do it. Or the dreaded, “I might be able to come.” <<<<</p>
<p>This is the source of the problem. Many adults purposely won’t “RSVP” or “commit” because they are waiting to see if something else (better) comes up. That is the reason that they say, “I might be able to come”. When someone says this to us, we should add to their words, “unless someone offers you something better” and see what they say… They’ll be shocked that you “figured them out” as if they had been so clever.</p>