We’ve always spent most of our free time together. We don’t work together, but since my H is a teacher, I do spend time helping him in the classroom quite often.
My own term is “being buddies”.
H would be pretty content with that lifestyle but I would not.
We had many talks and such and overall everything is better.
It is an easy position to land in.
If both are ok with it then maybe. But most likely one or the other will meet someone else by and by.
Still, we are in our mid 60’s and it is work to maintain a rich relationship.
But worth it.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with it as long as you are emotionally happy, and are getting what you need. But it sounds as if one or both of you aren’t, do things do have to be tweeked. It is such an individual thing, there truly is no right or wrong. I think it’s great you are realizing something seems off kilter and seeking out the remedy. It doesn’t even have to be a big change at al. Just the tightening of a bolt to get the wheel spinning, not changing the whole tire.
In our spare time, we spend most of it together. Sometimes that means just being in the same house watching a movie or taking a walk. We have our separate interests…he trains and runs races, goes on surfing vacations every few years. I like getting together with my girlfriends. But it’s like we fit those things in between.
Marriage is an ebb and flow. We are each other’s best friend, but sometimes his habits annoy the hell out of me.
An interesting question. My H and I try and do things together but have our own interests. We are both introverts so we are happy staying home and doing nothing. We have friends and do things with them but also do things by ourselves. So no, we don’t live parallel lives. But I don’t know how hard he works at it but I try to be respectful of the things that make him happy.
I know a couple that I think live parallel lives. She’s an extrovert and he’s an introvert. She wants to be out and travel all the time and he likes being home. What I see as an outsider is a lack of respect in both cases to do what the other wants.
She nor he are willing to compromise in what the other wants. Therefore they do most things separate. Separate vacations are one. They even have some of the same hobbies but do them separately. When they do things together, one wants it one way and other other another and no one wants go to a middle ground.
Very, very interesting discussion!
From my personal experience I think it is better when both people have their own interests and friends. For 30+ years I was my ex’s “everything.” He didn’t have his own friends, all of our friends were my friends. He deferred to me for everything we did as a couple. It was very flattering and enjoyable in the beginning. But later I felt suffocated and too responsible for his happiness (at least I felt that way). On the other hand, my ex was resentful that he didn’t have a voice. It would have been better if there was more of a balance - to have our own friends/interests, but also shared few interests/mutual friends. After the divorce my ex had to go out to make new friends, even though it was hard I think it was good for him. He is in a relationship now. I hope he won’t revert back to his old ways. In my next relationship, I don’t think I would want to be someone’s “everything.” I am giving both of girls the same advice.
Agree that this is an individual choice. IMO, the key is to be supportive of your spouse’s disparate interests. That may or may not mean participating in them. For example, DH is out running at the moment, while I am inside sipping coffee and reading cc. I have increased my exercise, but will never run races or what have you. But I will support him in his desire to do so. Also, we each support and assist in the volunteer activities that the other enjoys. He is pretty involved in several organizations, and when one, for example, does an annual holiday event, I attend and assist. But I rarely go to their monthly events. That’s his thing, not mine.
It’s completely normal to have different interests. Rarely the are 2 people attached at the hip and do everything together-- and even when it appears to others that they do, we never know what goes on behind closed doors.
My husband and I are strange in that we are together all the time. He works from home, and we have homeschooled for the last 9 years. Prior to that we shared office space and worked together to a certain extent, though I did outside legal work as well.
We have common interests - the ocean and boating, and real estate - but we’re also different too. He’s very fitness oriented and I’m a sedentary book worm. But we still share intellectual interests. I tend to be more liberal in certain ways and he’s more conservative.
True to my zodiac sign, I’m a free spirit and sometimes get a little claustrophobic. But still, I would be sad if we lead parallel lives. To me that sounds a little too disconnected. However, if it works for couples I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. I know my husband would not be happy with it.
Parallel lives here, I guess. I joke that “No man is an island” is incorrect and I live with the proof. Still, we’ve been married almost 40 years. Sometimes it frustrates me but it is who he is and always has been. I would describe his parents’ and one of his brother’s marriages as parallel - long lasting but decidedly parallel. His other brother never married and seems content alone.
Truly, if we didn’t lead parallel lives, I doubt we’d still be married.
On the other hand, I’d much prefer my kids to marry someone who can be a best friend as well as a spouse.
@SouthFloridaMom9, if it works for you, it’s not strange.
As I think someone already said, as long as both people feel respected, and are relatively happy, then the relationship is probably “working.”
@oldfort, I’m with you. I don’t like being someone’s “everything.”
I do wind up coordinating much of our “combined” social life, and I am the travel planner, (by choice - he’s a one click kind of guy, and I seek out great deals and do research) but my husband has veto authority or whatever, and we talk along the way. For example, we decide together where our vacation will likely be, and what things we really want to do. I book the plane, figure out where we will stay, and what activities we might need to book before we go, along with where we might want to eat, etc.
For a time I was in a relationship with someone who gradually withdrew from social life with my friends, from my few family gatherings and eventually with much time in my presence. Some of it was introversion, some depression. I was fine, and as I have been single for much of my life so don’t mind doing things alone, and am accepting above all. Now I realize he and I would have been better off with an expectation that he needed to pull out of his cave and engage more often. Eventually I realized I would like a little, maybe a lot more companionship, and there was no sense of partnership.
Conversely, in the dating world, I frankly find more fulfillment with my kids and long term friends than putting all my eggs in a relationship bucket. I would appreciate a relationship where I am free to put my energy into my own pursuits, but come together at the end of day to share perspectives and maintain that sense of partnership.
We’ve been together 35 years, 31 of ‘em married. He is quite the introvert so I have to remember he needs space and quiet to recharge. We have a lot of common interests, and each have a few of our own, but we share an interest in appreciating each others’ hobbies. I don’t understand much about why he loves making woodcuts, but I can still be the audience to ooh and ahhh over his latest, and I try to read articles about it so I know the terminology. He does the same for me. tHere is no one whose company I prefer to his. As empty nesters, we did have to make conscious decisions to find things we both like to do, so we would have that. It didn’t just spring full-formed. If we don’t pay attention, we’d just slowly disappear from each others’ life without meanig for that to happen. Marriage is an empty box, and you can only take out what someone has put in.
I’ve always thought relationships need to feel right for the persons in them - not follow a prescribed pattern, even if from a therapist.
There is an adjustment after the kids are gone, and I’ve just had another as Hubby retired. For a time, the house was definitely too small (I work from home), but after less than a year, it feels natural now. I’m glad I decided just to relax through this feeling out process rather than complain or set new ground rules that I might have come to regret.
We do many things together, but also pursue individual interests. Both of us have learned it’s usually not productive to attempt to interest the other in all our passions. I try to respect his interests and give him space and time for them. DH is good about doing the same for me.
I travel frequently and widely, but DH is not interested. DH encourages me and I feel comfortable going alone, with one of the kids or with a girlfriend. Some might interpret this as a sign of trouble in the marriage - “she goes off and leaves him at home!” - but this isn’t a problem for either of us. I look forward to Skyping during these times and think it actually improves our communication.
What I have come to know: A marriage is whatever the two people mutually agree it is.
While my DH and I have about seven more months before we become empty-nesters, and no longer connect only about our daughter, I’ve been deeply considering this condition of parallel lives. I don’t believe our lives will ever connect other than as housemates, basically, so now I’m turning my attention to the next wave of my career, my hobbies of gardening and home repair, the intent to go vegan, and building my personal network of friends for my coming old age. (I have no family other than him and my child, and my relationship with DH is not even one I’d call friendship, sadly.) I’II honor our marriage vows and never initiate a divorce. But, as an empty-nester, I expect I’ll be on a solo voyage, for all intents and purposes. That was not my hope, when I married, but it is my reality. And it’s ok.
I agree that all marriages are different and what works for one couple may not work for another. That said, H and I consider each other our “best friend”. We have always cultivated our time together, even when the kids were still at home. We have fun together whatever we do. We share mutual friends and hobbies, including singing in a choir together. But we do have some separate friends and time apart. Obviously, we work separately during the day. But, I have to say, when we are apart for more than a few days, it is lonely for me. Thank goodness for Skype.
This is a difficult question for me to answer. H and I were married for 10 years before kids ( planned that way), and did a lot together. Now as empty nesters we have a number of couples we socialize with but H doesn’t do a lot else. I am interested in being active, walking and hiking and he has weight and foot issues that prevent him from doing that now. I am also more interested in cultural things like museums, theater, concerts, movies, etc. I usually do those things with my friends. H and I are still very close, but I would like to do more together. I will say that he does not mind my spending time with my friends.
The day after we dropped off D2 at college freshman year, my husband began a “temporary” job in a city 150 miles away, being his parents’ caregiver. I figured he was apprehensive about the looming empty nest but I’m still shocked that he in essence left me. So, we don’t lead parallel lives; he’s in a different universe.
rosered55- I’ve been reading this thread with interest but your post hit me. What a shock indeed.
I hope you’re taking good care of yourself.
I brought this up at dinner last night with Mr R to get his thoughts. It was funny because it was the first time in a few weeks that we had gone to dinner together. I normally eat with our roommate (my best friend of over a decade who is renting out a room from us while he finishes his masters at a local U) because he and I are on the same schedule and Mr R is on a different one (roommate and I work afternoon/nights and Mr R works mornings).
We talked about whether it bothered either of us that we don’t have much of the same hobbies. He’s very much into “nerdy” things like D&D and cosplaying that I have zero interest in whereas I’m into history and politics which both bore the heck out of him. We both said no, it didn’t bother us and that we both appreciate the fact that we can have these hobbies which generally involve us running around in different social groups and not feel the need to worry about whether there is cheating or whatnot going on. Of course, one can “never say never” but we both know that we will probably never find better fits for ourselves for a variety of reasons.
We do travel without each other but we travel with each other as well. We’re happy either way and we’re happy to spend time with each other and we’re happy to spend time with others. I remember one time a few years ago when I was planning on spending my spring break down in Florida with roommate mentioned above (as he lived in Florida at the time). A few of my cohort-mates were scandalized by the fact that I would be spending a week with a male friend without my SO. It never even occurred to me that that would be an issue, and it certainly wasn’t for us. And that’s pretty much the entire story of our relationship- neither of us have anything resembling trust issues so it would never occur to either of us to worry or be suspicious of someone spending extensive time (even traveling) with a non-same-sex friend. (Though, in my case, if he were the worrying type, he would have to worry about me traveling with males AND females.)
But our relationship is very much influenced by my parents’- who have what you would call the parallel lives and are very much still in love even after 25+ years of marriage and a nearly 30 year relationship. They have very different interests and are often off doing their own thing. If they felt the need to do everything together, they probably wouldn’t do much of anything. My mom grew up around the world and still absolutely loves to travel whereas my dad won’t go anywhere that a pizza can’t be delivered. On the other hand, my dad is extremely political and very involved in several activist causes whereas my mom just asks me who to vote for. So, my dad goes to political things and my mom travels with me or her friends. But my parents don’t consider themselves emptynesters really because they have a very co-dependent dog that they have to plan their lives around. They’re not just free to do whatever and it’s like having a young child around.
Doing most or all of my hobbies or working with my SO would drive me absolutely bonkers. I just can’t spend that much time around any one person.
Our relationship in a metaphor: We love to kayak together, but we immediately knew when we decided to buy, that we’d get two one-person kayaks, not one two-person one. 
And in another nutshell: definitely he’s my best friend. The person who gets me. We spend the majority of our free time together, but we make space also for different interests.