My husband of almost 30 years and I are doing some Marriage Counseling. We want to resolve some issues and recently started seeing a wonderful therapist. He tells us that many married couples ( Empty Nesters) lead happy but parallel lives. They do a lot of separate activities but still live under the same roof. I never heard of this type of relationship, but I think that is what is happening in our relationship? Curious what others think about this concept. Do you and your spouse do a lot together, or do you have separate interests? Our lives are very different without our children in our daily lives.
Leading separate but parallel lives was the beginning of the downfall of my marriage. We eventually split. I think it is a very bad sign in a marriage, I’m sorry to say.
26 years and going we’re actually a bit vice versa on this front. We were definitely parallel during most of the kids’ young lives – both working full time plus but on somewhat separate schedules so that one of us was around. At times it felt ( a lot) more like a working partnership than a marriage, thus, counseling. As we’re on the cusp of emptynesterhood we’re finding more and more ways to reconnect. We still work, but we have more time for each other. We don’t really have separate interests. Still love doing things with the kids and we’ve always enjoyed golfing and travel. What we don’t have is a large circle of friends. I think what we’re trying to do is go back to our pre kid life together. We’ve been really fortunate in so many ways, but getting here hasn’t been easy by any means. Good luck to you and your husband.
I’m just chiming in as someone who is in that type of relationship, but definitely not with any kind of longevity. Mr R and I have been together for 5 years (as in cohabitating and living like a married couple) but only legally married for a few months.
We live the type of separate but parallel lives and that is exactly the type of relationship I wanted. We have very few overlapping interests but are very supportive of each other. So he does his things with his friends and I do with mine and then we get to come together at night to talk or whatever.
Hope it’s not an ominous sign but it’s how we’ve always been.
There are many ways marriages exist, and this type of partnership of coexisting is one way. It works for some couples. When it becomes a problem is when one or both of you start to want something different which creates tension. Perhaps the empty next situation has illuminated this feeling for one or both of you. And, marriage counseling is one way to work on changing the situation if one or both of you want that.
Like so many things in life, there is no one right or wrong way.
We lived next door to a couple in their late 80’s who had been married since they were in their late teens. They swore that the secret to their long, happy marriage was separate vacations and separate hobbies. He loved rural fishing trips, she loved to travel to big cities; he was obsessed with fixing and repairing mechanical gadgets, she taught sewing classes and went line dancing. I’m not sure I would describe them as living parallel lives, but they certainly accepted each other’s independent interests. and each of them had a great sense of humor about their differences.
We do some things together, and some thing separately.
For instance, my husband is an amateur astronomer. I am slightly interested in astronomy, so I don’t accompany him to his monthly astronomy club meetings. I do go to the annual Christmas party they throw; and I go with him to the annual campout they have.
I like to write, and read. I take workshops at the community college. He doesn’t take them with me.
I also like seeing movies a lot more than he does… and often I go to matinees by myself during the week because I know he is not interested in seeing movies as much as I am.
We do see a movie together about once a month.
We both like camping, hiking, traveling, and going to local concerts. We do those things together, and often.
We also take a long walk or hike every weekend (or a bike ride) when weather permits. It’s our time to catch up with each other, as well.
I’m a firm believer that it can be healthy to develop one’s own interests outside the marriage - as long as it’s not hurting the marriage. Most of the time, if it’s beneficial to an individual, that person will bring the benefits and satisfaction back to the marriage. Just my theory.
I know people who did everything together - and are now split up. But I also know people who did most things separately and split up, too. I think it’s all about balance.
the key may be considering your spouse your partner in life - even though you each may have, and cultivate, interests different than the other…
I think I am my husbands hobby…lol. Can a person be a hobby?
I think most people would struggle with what we do and it’s only for a certain type. We own a business together so we work together, hang out together, travel, gold, boating in the summer. We’re just really compatible. Not every second. …I did just tell him to shut up about a hundred times in a row at work yesterday. …lol. not in front of anyone. We actually don’t work at the same place most times. We had a work lunch yesterday for the office employees, the first time we were together at work in many months.
We just like each other and have a lot of common interests.
We definitely have separate interests but always support each other and take interest in each others activities even if we don’t actively participate in them ourselves. Like skiing–you won’t see me on the slopes but I’ve never discouraged H’s interest in it. I do my own trips sometimes around things I enjoy–he won’t go (I don’t expect it) .
38 years and very happy. Think we agree on more important things–values, kids, financial planning. How to treat each other well.
I really don’t understand marriages where spouses keep each other from participating in activities they enjoy just because it’s something they don’t like doing together.
What is sad for me is my sister moved out of her house and has her own apartment!. Her husband is in the house with the boys (younger) and she comes every morning and makes breakfast for the boys and gets them off to school. Can’t imagine that this will have a happy ending when they are Empty Nesters.
I think this label can mean many things. There are certainly people who wake up when the last one leaves the next and looks at their spouse and says, “who are you?” because they spent the last 18 years traveling in different orbits.
I think it’s fine to have separate interests and hobbies and friends. But I would not say my husband and I have parallel lives. We still share our thoughts and dreams and goals with each other and make plans for a joint future. We do make time to have dates where we don’t talk about the children or house projects etc.
Each couple has to define what they want from the relationship.
H and I do a lot together but have some of our own friends and interests. He and I each have projects that we do in our own but are supportive of one another and have some common friends. We are both crazy about our kids as well. Living in separate abodes holds no appeal for either of us.
@fauxmaven, I highly recommend the book “The Meaning of Marriage” by Tim Keller. It’s a Christian book, but is very respectful of people who don’t share his faith and has a lot of wisdom and insight about modern marriage.
H and I do most things together. We actually work at the same place and for many years he was “technically” my boss. Not for the last few though. Many times we do not see each other at work.
We do each have some individual interests and friends. But most of our time is together.
I think this may have kept us together. H and I have often been at odds with each other through the years. We argued often. My sister, on the other hand, and her H did not have the turbulent relationship we had. But they lead “parellel” lives. He cheated with someone in his life and they divorced after 30 years. My niece told my kids she always thought H and I would be the ones to divorce.
I think that married couples that are often apart doing their own thing are more likely to meet someone who is new, exciting and interested in the same things they are. Familiar is boring, new is exciting, especially when kids are no longer the glue.
It totally depends on the individual. I’ve seen married couples who worked together and were together almost all the time, for some it worked,some it didn’t. I’ve seen couples who spent little time together - same outcome. I’ve read of marriages where couples never actually live together. H and I do some activities together, but also have hobbies and friends that are separate. It works for us. We’d never survive if we were together all day every day - but we’ve made it 27 years as we are. I work in a male-dominated industry, H works with primarily women. Neither of us have strayed because neither of us are interested. Our relationship is what grounds us.
When it’s a problem is when people have different expectations - say one wants to do all activities together, the other needs more space.
My husband and I do some of both. We have “date night” more or less every Week (that usually just means we eat out), and we take a couple of vacations a year, but we often do things independently. He’s a big runner, and I don’t run at all. I love to go biking, but he’s not so into that. I take a week long ski trip every year or so, usually with another woman friend (used to take kids and go, but they are in college now). We are always “where we are supposed to be,” meaning if someone is getting married, we go together, other family things we do together. We eat together many nights, but if I’m going to happy her or something, he will make his own food.
I know a couple who do almost everything together, and rarely do things independently. They seem very happy. I don’t think I could do that. There are certainly many types of marriages, and no one size fits all.
I really need my own time and space, and dh is good about giving it to me. We have some mutual interests, but we are really comfortable each doing our own thing. This summer we are going to be working together for seven weeks. I’m talking commuting together and everything. I hope we don’t kill each other.
In real life, we are not in parallel life. Whenever possible, we go everywhere together. When our son was still with us, three of us went to everywhere together whenever possible. This usually meant I was not at work or DS was not at school.
But in virtual online life, all three in parallel life. The sites each of us hangs around are definitely different. For example, she has never been on CC, this site. It seems she visited some other sites but I have zero interest in them and do not know what sites they are (I am not capable of writing anything on any of the sites she has been on anyway – even though I could read, I have no interest there. DS even could not read there. So we are really in parallel virtual life here.)
"there is no “one size fits all”.
Bravo. 
We have been married 34 years. We were married seven years before we had our first child (by choice). Never have regretted waiting. We enjoyed each other, our jobs and coveted our time together. When kids came, we were thankful because our jobs allowed us to both work (me part time for many years) and to only need a babysitter one or two days a week for short days - that came at a price though in terms of our time together - often when H was off, I was working and vice versa. But would have had it no other way.
We were terrible at spending time just us. We were both involved with the kids A LOT and did things as a family A LOT, but I can count on less than one hand the nights we spent away from the kids in 27 years of having kids home. We were ok with that.
Last one started college this fall. I do see us as living parallel lives. Sometimes it’s a LITTLE annoying! I would like for H to think of us as a little more a couple than two separate people with things to do. Neither of us is hugely social - I’m happy to be somewhat of an introvert - but we both have interests and activities - of our own.
Our schedules still have us home and working at different times. We have to work on learning to be together a little better - but, I think it will become habit just as years ago, we made things work. I like having my own things, routine, etc. - very much not a reliant person.
So I agree, whatever floats your boat and keeps both of you content - is a good thing.
We are apart quite a bit, due to our jobs, which always require travel. In fact, we worked opposite schedules for 21 years, so someone could always be home with the kids, but we try to work at the same time now. We do a lot of texting and calling, and since we do exactly the same thing, our conversations would be quite a bore fest to most others.
When we’re both home, we often do things together, but you’re not going to catch me outdoors helping him with his projects. Nor do I attempt to go on his mega hikes and ultra exercise jaunts. I can’t keep up, and it’s fine, he doesn’t want to go rock climbing with me. I guess if one person has an interest and the other doesn’t, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to stop him from doing the things he enjoys because I can’t hang, or am not interested.