Both husband and I each have one of our family members who we have very limited contact with. Tons of not good history where it got to the point where we knew that person wouldn’t change, we don’t really care for their personality nor their drama. No matter how we responded or interacted with them, they would find fault or be difficult. We just decided to disengage. Maybe some might view it as a grudge. I just view it as indifference.
I and my wife, and our respective families, are totally different.
My immediate family always had a certain amount of Sturm und Drang. We would yell at each other for a bit, then hug and make up. My extended family on my mother’s side is huge, and close (or at least it used to be). Someone is always feuding with someone else, but you have to go back three or four generations to find an actual break. Ties are definitely weakening now, though – everyone is so dispersed, and our parents (who all grew up next door or upstairs from one another) are mostly dead.
My wife hates that. She hates any kind of explicit drama. But she holds grudges for a loooong time. A few years ago, she called me on something I had done before we were married, and I got her to acknowledge that after 25+ years it was no longer relevant, she had to stop being angry about it. In her family, people stop talking all the time. Her mother had two brothers, one she talked to rarely and the other she never spoke with, as far as I know. I certainly never met him. My FIL stopped talking to us for a few years. Left to her own devices, my wife might have no relationship whatsoever with 1 or 2 of her sisters, I did a lot of work over the years to maintain ties in her family, so our kids could have cousins and grandparents.
That was a terrible source of tension between my mother and my wife. My mother always wanted to talk things out – she couldn’t go to sleep until she had had her say and resolved things. And that’s not how my wife did anything. She would withdraw, limit contact, and maybe in a decade or so she wouldn’t care anymore.
I’m glad my kids are close to their cousins. They will fly to see one another and text one another often. With my sibs and I, we mostly text about my folks and their needs and health issues. I am actually closer to my SisIL than my bro or mist if my sisters.
I just have no time and energy for drama–never found it helpful.
Are you kidding? Those are my three main skills. I’ve held a grudge against Netflix for seventeen years!
I am from the south. Lots of southern gothic drama for generations. That’s just how we live.
I’m holding a grudge against a 95 year old relative for something that happened before I was born. When I was a small child, my grandmother used to take me to the cemetery and fuss at dead folks.
Adding: she still brought them flowers in spite of the fussing. I’ll be putting flowers on the grave of the relative against whom I’m holding an inherited grudge in memory of my parents.
Several years ago, my then father-in-law was very rude to me at a holiday gathering, during which I was very kind and helpful. This was observed by all in attendance, including my then husband, who said nothing. I bit my tongue while we were at the in-laws’ house, but I decided to write a letter to my FIL expressing my feelings about the incident. He didn’t respond to me. But he told H that he didn’t know what I was talking about (i.e., claimed that the incident had not occurred). Shortly thereafter, he seemed to acknowledge the incident but attempted to excuse his behavior by saying that when he was young and worked on his family’s farm, sometimes they had to “kick the horses.” I took that to mean that I was the horse. I chose avoidance. I haven’t seen my former FIL since then. My ex says that his dad is still upset that I said anything. He is not accustomed to being called out on his behavior. Two of his four children rarely visit him (as in every three to four years).
I’m pretty oblivious, so there might be drama (even caused by me) and I wouldn’t notice. I tend to be an “explode and get over it type,” so don’t hold grudges, but I can imagine saying something during the eruption that might cause someone else to do so.
But now I’m trying to imagine which radio host is related to @romanigypsyeyes 
Have been on the receiving end of family drama. I am a disappointment to those who want to “play”. I opt out, at least from the provacateur’s point of view. At times, this means taking the rageful one at their word that they are done. (No, your hate fest will not cause me to abandon my wish to behave with integrity.) Never missed someone less…
@stradmom not one of the big ones that instantly come to mind but big enough that I probably shouldn’t have said anything.
Oh well
My immediate family has minimal drama and H’s family has none at all. There is some in my extended family due to one toxic person who I stay away from.
No drama. No chaos. That’s my motto. I can sense it and I avoid it and I do not engage. When I began seeing a therapist 5 years ago when my ex-H and I began addressing our issues, she made me realize that my mother who I described as highly anxious was ALWAYS that way and that is what drove a lot of my reactions/responses/avoidance to conflict. I’m happier when I set boundaries and I can deal better with her because of this awareness. Let me add that my mother is loving and generous - she is just responding to HER family of origin dynamics.
I have never cared or kept score who comes to weddings/parties/graduations/family events. I invite who I’d like and appreciate who can make it. I don’t expend the energy to be angry/disappointed.
I wouldn’t make a fuss about behaviors that don’t have a serious negative effect on my loved ones. However, I have completely distanced myself from one in-law who, on top of a large number of smaller insults and boorish behaviors, did something dreadful out of plain meanness. I’m estranged from one of my relatives who engaged in criminal behavior prompted by selfishness and arrogance. We maintain cordial but not close relationships with our other relatives. The run-of-the-mill craziness doesn’t worry me.
My kids are not close to any of their cousins. We tried when they were little to maintain contact, but the roads only seem to run one way.
We’re working on the guest list for D1’s wedding and I’ve heard that FSiL has some relatives who are huge drama llamas. He doesn’t want to invite them but his mom is making a fuss. I told D1 that they’re welcome to throw me under the bus and blame those relatives’ not being invited on me.
There isn’t usually much drama on either side, mostly because our families are small and spread out geographically. I think that the advent of texting has actually not been a great thing for family dynamics because the more people know about each other, the more they can find fault with. (I won’t do Facebook for that reason.)
On the whole, I’m a believer in “live and let live.” I don’t care all that much about what people do or don’t do with their time or money. I don’t have a strong need for random people, including relatives, to adore me or want to be close to me. HOWEVER, if you chose to relate to me and be friendly, then I expect either honesty or silence. Don’t lie, don’t deceive, and above all do not try to manipulate me using false narratives. I don’t tolerate that well at all! I currently am rather annoyed with a relative over this very thing. Unfortunately, things are not going well for her family, but she is painting a different public picture via a group text with all the sisters-in-law. I know the truth about her situation instinctively from years of experience with her, but I don’t know it officially via actual words from her mouth. So I have no choice but to respond to the words she is actually saying, so as not to expose her unkindly or perhaps incorrectly. But it’s hard to do that without being a hypocrite and act like I believe what I am sure isn’t true. Also, sometimes that doesn’t work because she wants sympathy for the actual truth of the situation, not her public picture of it. It’s exhausting and impossible.
As an example of how this plays out, she will text us that her husband just lost his job. However, after telling us that, she will add that he is planning to use the severance money to travel the world. So from that statement we have to assume that money is not a big problem just yet, whether we believe that to be true or not. But then if someone were to suggest a travel destination under that assumption, she would be indignant and retort, “My husband LOST HIS JOB! We are in a financial crisis!” Ok, then.
My sister and BIL and his relatives have for decades supplied sufficient drama to satisfy the needs of the whole family…
I had a sister-in-law who liked to stir the pot and tried really hard to get drama going. The rest of us wouldn’t play along though.
We have a side of the family that is high drama and high dysfunction. They would not describe themselves as that because for them it is normal.
edited to add that we can see it continuing in the younger generation. They just don’t know any different.
Drama is DW’s side. My side tends toward burst of yelling, pouting for a few hours and getting over yourself. Grudges never happen. (gossip, yes) MIL and her sister did not speak for much, if any of the past 15 years over something the sister’s 2nd husband did (really minor in the grand scheme of things). Sister tracked MIL down or they would still not be talking (in their 70s-80s)
On OP’s original point, I despise men who control women like that. I have a close friend in that situation. She sticks around for the money/security. If I had the resources, I would solve that problem.
" My side tends toward burst of yelling, pouting for a few hours and getting over yourself. Grudges never happen."
That’s my side of the family all the way. I find it hard to understand how grudges survive long. It’s just not in our DNA.
My family members may blow up, get mad in an outburst… Stomp feet and pout. Never long. Make their point.
And then forget it quickly… And welcomed back just as quickly into the fold with no ill will. It’s understood and then over. A “sorry” on both sides and we’re done.
I think it is DNA to some extent…