40 years ago this fall, dh and I got married. His sister had remarried just a couple of months earlier to a real hurly, burly, macho man type, a small home wedding to which we weren’t summoned. (MA and we’re in VA). His sister has three girls, one of whom dh is godfather to and she and the girls and dh’s mom were set to drive down for our wedding. He was a truck driver doing long weekend runs so he wouldn’t be coming. Then, oh no, said macho man, you’re not doing that, driving down there like that, my little woman without me. Whoa. A dear cousin, whom I still thank every time I see him, brought mil and his mom (mil’s sister) and came to VA to our wedding. Now. If I were a big family drama queen, I would have caused a ruckus. But, we let it go, of course. But I don’t know why, it just popped in my head again and yes, it hurt. It really hurt at the time and it does still tick me off a bit that she allowed this “man” to rule over her like that. She loved him dearly, he died a few years ago, but I certainly have never had a soft spot in my heart for him because of that.
So, do you hold grudges, cause scenes, hang on to ill feelings? Does it always amaze you when people do? Bottom line, to us family and love is more important.
I won’t cause a scene but I will hold a grudge if the inciting incident is awful enough. Not with the people I love most, though. I may hold it privately, and I know how to behave as if I don’t.
Family drama is just too much work. I’d rather limit contact with people who are unpleasant to be around.
Hm, I wonder who will admit to any of the above?! I don’t like to hold on to grudges. It makes me feel physically ill. FIL is the most narcissistic person I’ve ever met. He’s alienated all of the kids and consequently his grandchildren. DH would never show any anger towards him and was pleasant (but nothing more) Years later, I realized that it is his way of coping with a toxic person.
Drama wears me out and I try to keep my distance from dramatic folks. I let others have the dramatic spotlight. When it gets to be too much, we just avoid until we can tolerate again, rinse and repeat. Mostly, none have done truly awful things, but they have done and said some pretty mean things at times. I see no point in harboring grudges, which I think harms me more than whomever I’m annoyed with.
@VaBluebird, like you, I wouldn’t have made a stink about it, but it would have hurt. I am a low-maintenance person when it comes to such things, but still. I try not to hold grudges and cause family issues, but some things may be forgiven but not forgotten, if you know what I mean.
There’s an old saying: Women forgive, men forget.
Turn over a new leaf and I’ll never be reminded of your old one.
Nope. I just cut them out of my life.
I have an uncle that I will never speak to again. The last straw was that he missed my wedding because he had to work 4 days later… he is a very wealthy individual so it wasn’t a matter of not being able to travel or anything like that. Then he didn’t even bother to send me a card or congratulations.
No scene but he is a nationally syndicated, family-values, conservative Republican commentator. I can’t count the times I’ve been tempted to call up his radio show and let his followers know exactly the kind of person he is and what he’s done to his ex-wives and children. But I haven’t.
My bio grandma has never had a relationship with me because she was horrible to my mom and tried to come between my parents. I don’t regret it.
My MIL makes snide comments all the time and she and my FIL will never let it go that I’m not religious. I’m biting my tongue for now because whatever but I will not stay silent if she starts trying to tell me how to raise a future, possible child- especially as it relates to religion. Mr R & I are on the same page with this.
So no, I don’t do drama and I don’t cause scenes. But I don’t believe that family or marriage makes you family- your actions do. And my uncle and grandma may share my blood and surname but they are not my family so I don’t feel bad about cutting them out.
Interesting topic. My father (generally a narcissistic misogynistic bully) has not spoken to his sister in 12 years after a silly disagreement where she dared to disagree with him. He no longer speaks to her children or grandchildren either. My mother has not been allowed to speak to this sister or her family - for 12 years. Now he is 86, in poor health, and not far from dying. I know there will be no reconciliation. He will nurse this grudge to the bitter end. It has hurt both families, created many awkward situations and weakened my relationship with my cousins.
Now I wonder what will happen when it is funeral time. Will my mother rise to the occasion and include my aunt and cousins and begin to heal the split? Or will she double down, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to my father, and ban them from the funeral? Talk about drama.
My whole family is full of drama. If it is not one thing then it is another. The difference is we’ll fight like crazy, like where to go for vacation, then we’ll all show up and have a great time. Sometimes we’ll not speak with each other for a while because of some drama, but no one has missed a xmas or vacation because we were mad at each other, and no matter how mad we got we still talked to each other when we were in the same room.
I just walk away. I cannot stand the upset of the drama. I also had a very destructive narcissistic mother.
I look back and wish I had figured her out and closed the door a good 20 years before she died.
I have siblings who have a need to constantly cause major problems ( lying, stealing, gossiping, accusing)–I have had no contact with two of them for years now and cannot imagine any benefit to reengaging.
I grew up such a people pleaser trying to make things good. I see now that I chose to let a number of people in my life when they were not good for me. In the past few years I have shut some doors and really feel so much less anxiety in my life.
H’s family simply bugs me. There are certain personality traits that I find unacceptable. I have simply
kept my distance with them but have no interest in creating drama of any kind with them.
My good and close friends and family create no drama. We just get along and if anything annoying happens it is just that–an annoyance. I have created my own emotionally safe family.
And yes, petty as it sounds, occasionally I take out a memory and rehash it.
I find the words and the attitude that I wish I had been able to find back in the moment.
I do not always forget or forgive–some things are just not forgivable–but I do try to live a life of
kindness and to put those negatives in a place that is acceptable and not destructible.
I think it is very important that we learn to live with and accept things that are not resolvable.
I don’t think I am a big grudge holder, but I do try to avoid the people who drive me crazy whenever possible. I don’t mean that in a dramatic cut-them-out-of-my-life way, I just stay away from them. If I have to see them, I am cordial. If something terrible or wonderful happened to them, I would do the appropriate thing: send a card or flowers or a casserole. My biological family is pretty mellow. We get mad at each other, but it fades over time.
My MIL was a huge grudge holder. Her family was killed in WWII with the exception of two sisters. She got mad at those two sisters over some small offenses and cut them out of her life. One sister was cut out so completely my H didn’t even know she existed until recently. Poor H lost the chance to be close to his cousins. Had MIL not been my MIL I would have avoided her; she was tough.
My sister is the Drama Queen in my extended family. I have one cousin who calls me constantly to tell me what my sister is mad at her about now.
My sister even walked out in the middle of said cousin’s 60th b’day dinner because she was mad at where my cousin had seated her and her H.
We are all traveling next week to Texas for a family bar mitzvah and I deliberately made reservations at another hotel then everyone else so I don’t have to be involved in her every drama.
Nothing anyone does is ever good enough for her. When I was hosting bridal shower for my niece she called one day and left message on my answering machine berating me for not doing a shower on the scope of what cousin’s children’s showers had because she found out I wasn’t having cupcakes, I wasn’t spending enough money (it cost $2000 -the same $500 per hostess we spend on all the showers) and that I had chosen plants instead of flowers for the centerpieces (because niece is very environmentally active so I felt would like something that could be repurposed.)
I called her back to explain but she just started ranting, not listening to a word I said -so I hung up on her mid rant.
During the shower she did apologized and admitted shower was more elegant then anything done for cousin’s kids.
I’m guilty of holding a grudge. We call dwelling on past wrongs “an Irish stew” and yes, I’m guilty of it. I think it actually takes a fair amount for me to blow up, but when I do…I do. A good friend has told me that some of my breaks with people are partly my own fault because I appear to overlook something a number of times and then it’s the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. They think I’ve overreacted to one situation when in fact I’ve been on simmer for a long time and then something makes me boil over. Once I do, I’m very unlikely to forgive. I know I should be a bigger person, but it’s hard.
I don’t hold grudges at all. I go by the philosophy of, “I can choose to take offense, or I can choose not to. I choose not to”. If there is someone who makes me uncomfortable, I am polite, but stay away.
My sister didn’t come to my wedding, I knew it was tough for her, so I didn’t press her at all. Her wedding was small and in another country (I think it was a justice of the peace wedding), she didn’t invite anyone, so I didn’t come. I can’t imagine being upset that some of my in-laws didn’t come to my wedding, we only had a few show up, and that was fine. If someone doesn’t want to come or has something else going on, too much money, too busy, that’s fine. I wouldn’t want them there if they didn’t want to be there, plus you’re so busy at your wedding, you barely notice who showed. All we wanted to do was get out and start our honeymoon!
I’ve become much better as I age about establishing boundries. I have been hurt by my husbands family and so I decide when and with whom I will interact. Some of them are absolute joys and some are obligations, some I may never see again and thats OK. With friendships and frenemies I also know the limits of what I want and plan accordingly. I messed up this past weekend though and gave someone too much time and it was completely exhausting! I have completely normal and stable parents and grandparents and one thing I learned early and hope to pass on to my kids is to always have good manners to fall back on. I’ve never regretted doing the right thing even with someone I can’t stand.
I had an in law who was a constant part of our lives, but who caused so much drama. Finally, some 25 years after I first met them, I figured out that he had some sort of personality issue & was so manipulative that he caused so much drama. It was him, not me, and I then drew a line in my mind, and we stayed associated, but I kept that boundary in my mind and I no longer tried to do things to try to please that person, instead I did what was the right thing, but at my convenience as much as possible. I no longer wanted anything from him, but to stay under the radar and to not engage, not be the recipient of his bad feelings. So, we gave him what he needed, but on our terms, without emotional involvement.
As life went on, sometimes I had to redraw the boundaries, but once I became fully aware that I was not a bad family member, he was, that he had an issue in his mind/personality, that it would never all be ok, that I should not want his approval, etc., after that it did not make me crazy until his last year or so of life.
It was great to know that I did not need to engage and did not need to try to live up to his requirements, I also knew he would never change and that DH did not want to cut him off, so I drew firm mental boundaries and it really worked well overall. I refused to give that in law the power to bring drama to my life, but I did often give him what he needed to “check the box” of feeling a part of our lives, but limited him to what I wanted to share
My family of origin tends to yell, scream and pitch a fit easily. As a teen, partially motivated by the peace movement, I know their had to be a better way and worked to find it and instill the habits in myself to lead to peace and understanding. Here I am decades later, and the family I made with my kids is a lovely place to be, fun, conversational and non dramatic.
My family of origin issues have only worsened in recent decades, and there have been many tough moments. I am hurt regularly by them, but work hard to get over it, and set up boundaries both internally and externally to keep my self from being pulled into drama, and be a quiet voice of reason for myself and others. Learning about personality disorders has been very helpful in understanding my family of origin, have some compassion for them, as well as learn to take care of myself.
No drama ever on my side of the family for any reason. What any member chooses to do or not do, say or not say doesn’t phase any of us, and I have stories that might curl some hair. We just shrug and go on. No hurt feelings, no grudges. No one takes anyone else’s behavior or actions personally. Life is too short. We just enjoy being a family and consider anyone’s mis-steps (no matter how huge) to be just that, a temporary lapse in judgment.
Hubby’s family, OTOH, is just plain toxic. You never know who is speaking to whom or what slight you might have inadvertently caused. One day, in the midst of MIL pitching a fit at a family event at our house over something ridiculous, I just started laughing uncontrollably. Couldn’t help myself but best.response.ever. When I calmed down, I told her I was just enjoying the show. She went berserk, and I started laughing again. I just don’t understand those antics but, apparently, I do enjoy them.
I also don’t back down when the insanity starts. When DH and I were dating, MIL made it clear I was a disappointment and was always intimating that she thought her son would end up with some long-legged Ivy league sophisticate. On the last of those occasions, I simply told her that a woman like that wouldn’t be attracted to her son. She knows better than to spar with me now. 
Anyway, no, I don’t do drama.
I’m pretty sure DH’s brother’s wives are not speaking to us. I’m not sure why, don’t really care.
When MIL/FIL were alive we were all cordial but not really close. Family gatherings mostly turned into storytelling about their childhood years. The same stories, over and over. Probably because that was safe. If we talked about anything else, and there was any disagreement, everyone just shut down. Lessons learned before I came on the scene, apparently.
It’s pretty hard to offend me. You have to work hard to make me understand that’s what you are trying to do. Otherwise, I’ll just observe your actions and say “Hmmm, that’s how that person is. Ok, fine.”
I like the laughing technique. Never really needed it, but I’ll pass it on to my kids in case they do someday.
My sisters make me crazy sometimes, especially trying to plan with them. I love them and try to ignore the drama and wait till its gone. Laughing is a great strategy, even tho it’s bound to infuriate the dramatic folks.