I was recently at a birthday dinner with a friend group of women my age (late 50s/early to mid-60s). One of my friends had just taken (her treat) her daughter and daughter-in-law (both 30-ish)on a trip to Santa Fe. How lovely!
Mil, sil, and two of their mutual friends are taking a trip to CA together in mid-June. This was enthusiastically announced to me when we were at mil’s house at TG. “Oh! We got our trip to Temecula planned for next June!” Mil and sil have taken several trips together through the years. Some large (Europe/cruises) and some small. I applaud these - truly. Mil does not treat - sil pays her own way. But there have also been a few trips with mil, sil, and one or the other (or both) of these friends as well.
Dh and I have been married 36+ years, and I am 61 years old. Not one time have I been asked to join them. Even for a quickie weekend trip. Even when it included friends and wasn’t just a mother/daughter trip. Honestly? This hurts my feelings.
We are headed down to mil’s for Mother’s Day weekend (sil lives in the same town - we’ll all gather a couple of times). I may even see one of the friends who is also going to CA for this June trip. I have no doubt there will be chatter about their plans while I’m there.
Mother’s Day is a tough one for me anyway. I’ve posted many times that I lost my parents at the age of 24. So, it’s not like I ever had the option of going on mother-daughter trips as an adult. I don’t expect to be treated by mil AT ALL. Our resources are much greater than sil’s, so it’s not like they aren’t asking me because they think it’s outside my budget. Last year on Mother’s Day, we were still in transition with our move and dh was back in Florida while I was here alone. Ds was still in b-school in CA. Mil, sil, and other family members gathered at sil’s to celebrate Mother’s Day. They knew dh was back in FL. I think maybe on Saturday night sil wrote in a group text - “oh, we should have invited you to drive down!” It’s only three hours.
Maybe this belongs in the, “Say it here,” thread. Idk. I guess I’m curious if others feel excluded by in-laws even when you’ve been married into the family for decades.
My in-laws went on a number of trips with their daughters and husbands…things like Alaskan cruises, and Canada ski trips, and NH ski trips. As far as I know, everyone paid their own way, but they were invited to join the in-laws.
Here is what we would get and it would usually be at the last minute when arranging travel would have been costly or impossible anyway. Plus…DH and I don’t ski.
We are going to be in Canada for a week for a ski trip over Christmas. Here is where we are staying. It would be nice if you all could come. It’s not a long drive from your house (8 hours…I call that a long drive).
Take note…if we had been invited when the trip was planned…we might have been able to make it happen.
A couple of months ago, we made plans with X and Y to go on an Alaskan cruise with us. Here is the cruise line and dates. See if there are any openings and you can join us (really? Two weeks before an Alaskan cruise, we would also need cross country plane tickets).
You get the picture. It ended up being fine with me…I’m not sure I would have enjoyed a vacation with these folks (really just MIL) who have such huge control issues.
It was hurtful the first few times it happened, but after that, our reactions were “oh…again?”
We have been married for 44 years.
ETA…the two daughters and husbands were invited. ALL of the sons and their wives got the same “offers” we got.
I totally get why you feel hurt. Sure they live in the same town and may see each other more and even have a better relationship but not once do you get invited? And all the chitchat while you are present about the trips? I think it’s rude.
I also TRULY love the name of this thread. What a perfect way to say it!
I often felt like an “outlaw” with my in-laws, particularly MIL. Not to a terrible degree but I was totally different than her two daughters. They were not career oriented, married VERY young, were mothers VERY young, and had very traditional wife/woman of the house lifestyles.
I on the other hand was much younger than her daughters by 10+ years. I went to college, worked professionally, waited 7 years on purpose after getting married to have children, had my OWN thoughts, and was pretty independent. I don’t think she loved all that.
I always felt a little “black sheep”. Interestingly enough, H’s brother married someone more like me. Professional career, very independent, etc. - I can’t tell you # of occasions where they bad mouthed her - I mean, they liked her but were always criticizing “so and so is too busy! I don’t know how they are going to raise 4 kids when she’s always working!” - that kind of stuff. So I knew exactly what they thought about me!
I honestly don’t know that I would want to. It’s the principle of it for me. Just kinda feels, “mean girls.”
I’d be more inclined to do a short one, though.
If the trip convo does come up next weekend, I’m hopeful ds (who is also meeting us at mil’s for Mother’s Day weekend) doesn’t pipe up with a, “You should go too, Mom!” lol. Because I’d be hard-pressed not to pointedly say, “I wasn’t invited.”
Are you comfortable saying, “Those trips sound so fun. I’d love to go some time.” Maybe they think you don’t want to go? Or they’ve picked up on your ambivalence?
Just going to say from experience–if you want a family trip then plan one and invite the people you want to spend time with. Include whomever you want. And that includes close friends who feel like family. You’ll have a much happier time. Include your son and son’s friends.
All five spouses of my in-law’s children are out-laws, me mostly as I was the first. F/MIL have never accepted any other role than primary in their kids lives. Our marriage is the only one to survive this nonsense. Not only have I never been included in anything, I am resented when I am around. I put up with bad behavior from her for about five years before I just started laughing at her. She was always hinting that I wasn’t quite what she expected, the implication being that I wasn’t a long-legged Ivy-league sophisticate. I looked her straight in the eye once and told her that a woman like that wouldn’t be interested in her son. She’s learned not to bait me as she’s completely unarmed for that fight. We have had a chilly but civil 40-plus-year relationship ever since.
I wouldn’t dream of spending any time with my in-laws or any of DH’s immediate family, much less feel slighted that I’m not invited to anything.
Amen.
ETA: OTOH, she’s been a great anti-role model for my relationship with my DIL.
I have felt excluded, but more in an annoying way than a hurtful way … and mostly because of the fact that my kids were always second fiddle to my nephew. But recently, my MIL has decided to be mean to me. Granted, she’s older than dirt and unhappy to be alive, but I resent being the one she yells at. Today is her 98th birthday, and she yelled at me three times … once when I tried to help her put on pants, once while I was helping her get her feet onto the wheelchair foot rests, and once when I asked if she’d like me to cut her cake into pieces. No one else got yelled at for trying to help her - just me.
This favoritism happened with my MIL also. It is what it is. Fortunately, the not favored nieces and nephews are all terrific young adults…and understand.
You know, planning a girls’ (friends) trip would be fun.
We were in Florida 6.5 years and mil visited at least five times. Every year except 2020 Covid. We also invited sil to come visit with or without mil. One other time I offered mil, sil, and nephew (and his roommate if he desired) to come for TG. Get an AirBnb for all of them. Sil had no interest.
I should probably fall back on the Mel Robbins advice to just, “Let Them.”
Neither mil nor sil are terrible people. They just don’t seem to give much thought to me. It’s just who they are. I should know this by now.
I am not an outlaw with my own mil, she will drives me nuts but overall she is kind and inclusive. I don’t particularly like going on vacation with people other than my husband.
I do wonder if it has more to do with you being married and them assuming (you know what assuming does) that you wouldn’t want to go without your husband.
My own daughter in law will treat my husband and I as the outsiders. I don’t think it’s intentional and I don’t feel that she has anything against us.
She’s an only child and her mom is a widow. Her mom is paramount and we are an afterthought. It would be nice to every once in a while, be thought of. Have an off holiday. Her mom gets all of them. We could join and she’s a decent person. But we are forgotten or there are declines to our invitation when we try and reach out. And then they spend the holiday with her mom.
Also my mil’s birthday is around Father’s Day. I found for years after my dad died, I was not in the mood to go to my in laws and celebrate. It was and continues to be a painful time. Time has lessened but it’s continues to be a struggle if I get melancholy.
For several years, the women on my DHs side of the family got together for a Girls weekend, and everyone was invited.
It was organized by DHs wonderful aunt. People drove and flew in from all over the place. It was a terrific time! MIL was there, but she was not the organizer.
My sister (married for almost 20 years) describes feeling that way with her inlaws, where they still do separate photos for the blood relatives. I’m extremely lucky that my parents modeled great inlaw inclusion and that my MIL doesn’t have daughters and was eager to welcome me. I wanted to be like that with my DIL and she has taken a little longer to warm up to me, but I think now we’re in a good place.
My other DIL lives in my town but that son does not (long distance) and I find myself wondering if I should invite her to things even without S. I don’t mean family gatherings, which of course she’s invited to (as are her parents), but random “do you want to get lunch”. Now maybe I’ll do that after reading the post!
As an only myself (albeit with deceased parents), I think I would struggle leaving my mom all alone on a holiday. Do you ever invite your ds, dil, AND his mom to all come to you? Maybe you don’t know her well enough. Maybe that would be awkward. Maybe that’s logistically hard, space-wise would he too spendy. And, I TOTALLY get that it would stink to always have to, “share,” your son. My guess is that the daughter would feel guilty and feel like she’s abandoning her mom to leave her alone on a holiday.
Now, to be fair, her mom shouldn’t expect that they will always be with her on holidays! Especially one like Thanksgiving where the whole Friendsgiving concept has come about. It would be nice if her mom could see that she is kind of, “hogging,” them from you all. I think this is the situation with my mil and sil - they just don’t, “see,” things from my perspective. Her mom should see that you and your dh deserve to have your ds and her daughter for some holidays. How long has she been a widow?
My daughter’s husband, it was his holiday to work. My daughter invited all of us to her home for thanksgiving seeing as they couldn’t travel. My dil’s mother could have definitely come.
My son and my daughter live within the same state albeit a few hours away.
My son and dil declined, they wanted to stay home for the holiday, which meant with her mom. I proposed that we go to my daughter’s Wednesday and Thursday, drive to our son’s for the weekend. We were told that maybe we should come the weekend before because her mom would overshadow time with our granddaughter because her mom sees granddaughter more often.
So we went the weekend before, went to a resort for the time in between before we went to daughters because everyone works.
While I certainly understand that her mom wants to be with her daughter, we’ve spent plenty of holidays alone. My mom a widow, goes to friends for thanksgiving because Christmas isn’t far away.
Every single holiday, rinse and repeat. Sorry this got so long!
Or they’ve picked up on your ambivalence?