I have 3 brothers in law on my wife’s side. They are all right wing conservative and I am very liberal. (NOT DISCUSSING THE POLITICS). One of them respects my position and chooses not to engage in political talk with me, which I reply to similarly.
The other two just love to attempt to goad me with insensitive comments. One of them was in a truck with an employee, listening to talk radio, when he ran from his truck, came up to me, for the sole purpose of throwing figurative garbage at me.
Needless to say, at family gatherings, I do my best to avoid interacting with 2 of my 3 BILs. They just can’t seem to help themselves and bite their tongues, even for the sake of family tranquility.
On MY side, both BILs are conservative, but none of us discuss political things at all.
I think this is the part that is hard. We need to let go of our dreams and accept the reality. I grew up with cousins and my own mom visited her parents just about every day as they lived a mile from each other. I have a busy career and don’t have the free time to just sit around and play cards for a few hours a day as my mom always worked part time and was off by noon when she did work. My brother never had kids so my 3 were the only kids on my side of the family.
First husband came from a bigger family and my kids do have cousins on that side. But my first husband’s siblings are quirky and it’s always a bit of clashing. I would not want to go on a girl’s trip with any of the females in the family. Then divorced and I ended up being the one to keep our kid’s connections with their dad’s side of the family. It’s a strained situation. Funny thing is my ex inlaws have travelled out of state to attend our kids events and they sit with me and my current husband and hang out with my parents. People are always shocked when husband 2 calls them by their first names and they realize they aren’t his parents. Husband 2 is a saint to tolerate entertaining inlaws and his wife’s ex inlaws at Disney, twice (and other places.) The photo we have of hubby and I with 4 elderly folks in scooters rolling down Main Street at WDW sums up how he is getting into heaven.
Second husband, mom was long passed by the time we met. He has only 1 sibling as I do and his sister and I could not be anymore different. I am pleasant and cordial but outside of family get togethers it would be strained. I know it bothered her that I never tried to be closer to her. She did invite me out to lunch a few times. However, she would always seem angry and irritated when I said no because I was working (I work full time and she had never worked). I don’t have a job where I can randomly meet at 1pm on a Friday for a late lunch and drinks. She is vegan and I am fat and I don’t need more lectures and education from her. She was a sahm to 1 child while I was juggling 3 kids and grad school. We have completely different goals and totally different politics and world views. Even with small talk at family gatherings there was nothing that could be said that she didn’t have a negative comment about and no topics that were just casual.
My siblings have dated/married partners who had no parents or not very good relationships with them, so they were happy to do holidays with our family. My SIL’s parents had died when she was in high school. She had one brother who had huntington’s so never married) and we included him a few times (he lived 2000 miles away). She craved family and we accommodated. Sometimes both had to work Christmas so we got the kids! Older sister’s husband had older parents and they visited every year or two, but not for holidays. My sister didn’t like them and they didn’t like her. so no question of her going to their house for holidays. I thought they were fine. BIL loved my mother and was Mr. Fix-it for her. She bought him Mountain Dew and sometimes they drank Margaritas.
Even the former spouses continued to love spending time with my mother (sharing the grandkids, inviting her to sporting events) She was often the go-between for shuttling kids when the exes weren’t speaking. One brother had a girlfriend with kids and the son came over after school for grilled cheese sandwiches. When they broke up (bad break up), we only cared about the break between ‘Nana’ and the kids.
As challenging as family (nuclear, extended, in-law, and outlaws) can be, I don’t think people who have a lot of it understand what it’s like when someone has virtually none.
I think I’m kinda in pity party mode since it’s the week of Mother’s Day.
My husband’s family is very close and have always been nice to me but it’s not a ‘close’ relationship (although some in the family have that). What I’ve been working on is lowering my expectations. I have done this with certain friends too.
I kind of tell myself - people give me what they want to give me. If that’s not time/engagement/closeness - then that’s not what they want with me (ouch). It’s kinda painful. And I still do what I can to build up relationships!
But at the end of the day - family or not- it’s a two way street and I have to respect that they are driving exactly as they want to…
I am close to my family, for the most part. I especially like the next generation and their kids. We are fairly close to BIL and visit him one or more times/year. Not as close to BIL’s D (our niece) as we don’t see them nearly as much since they live in SF and we are in Honolulu.
My H gets along pretty well with my sibs as well but he also prefers the next generation & their kids.
My folks and my in-laws were always pretty welcoming of everyone. I planned the family staycation get togethers with my extended family because our kids loved getting together with the cousins so much. We could never all agree on any time where anyone could get together so staycations where folks could join for meals was the compromise.
With open hearts and arms even before we were married. Because my family always welcomes newcomers, I expected the same when I got married. It took those first five years to realize I was Charlie Brown and they held the football. Once I realized I was just beating my head against a wall, I simply stopped trying and caring. They mean nothing to me.
Our DIL has issues with her mom, and her dad is not in the picture. Her center comes from her grandparents. She has traveled a tough road. DH and I make extra effort to shower her with affection and attention. I used part of my wedding toast to not only welcome her into the family but also show DH’s family how it’s done:
“DIL, welcome to the family! We are thrilled that DS has brought us such a special daughter-in-law, and we hope the years erase the “in-law” part as you get to know us better and feel what it means to be included and loved by this family. You have enlarged our hearts as well as our circle. Welcome, DIL, welcome!”
She brought tears to our eyes last year when she gifted us with college sweatshirts that say “mom” and “dad:”
I had a complicated relationship with my parents (divorced when I was very young) - my in-laws filled the gap for many years. My FIL unfortunately passed away in his mid-50’s but he was always very welcoming and made it a point to engage me in conversation every time he saw me. My DH is Italian and in our early years of marriage I was fortunate enough to participate in weekly “Sunday Dinner” at my in laws house, which consisted of a loud table full of food, family and whatever friends were around on a given day. Holidays and life events like weddings, birthdays and baptisms brought out large numbers of extended family, all of whom were very welcoming (albeit very concerned that my husband might starve to death, marrying someone who isn’t Italian ). I learned a lot about how my perception of a “normal” family operates and it had a strong impression on how I’ve raised my family (we try to do Sunday Dinner at least once a month with our grown kids).
Nothing is perfect, however - a series of events has led DH to be estranged from his brother and as my MIL has gotten into her 80’s, she has taken on a mean streak (not related to dementia or Alzheimer’s). I don’t care to spend more than a weekend with her. She is coming for D’s graduation next week and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety.
I adore my son-in-law! My daughters joke that he is my favorite (he might be!) As ChoatieMom said, we’ve long since dropped the “in law” part. My daughter recently shared with us that one of the things she loves most about her husband is that he genuinely loves me and my husband as much as his own parents (who are wonderful). It brought tears to my eyes!
Younger D has a long-term BF, and he comes from the same kind of childhood I did. I have a tremendous amount of empathy towards him and go out of my way to make him feel welcome and appreciated whenever I see him. My husband does the same. My daughter tells me all the time that he loves being around us. Hopefully that means we’re doing something right.
Meaning to take her shopping to buy her groceries or just to accompany you while you bought your groceries or doing your respective grocery shopping at the same time?
I think it is fun running around with someone while they do their errands. The paying part confused me. I’m glad you asked and that she joined you!
I think sharing expenses/who pays for what among family/in laws could be its own thread. The patterns and precedents for that can be pretty interesting (and tricky) I think.
My fil was particularly cheap. I can count on one hand the number of times he paid for our meals when we went out. And on those we’d have to go secretly behind him to increase the tip he had left because it was so embarrassingly low. Mil has treated a few times since he’s passed, but the general mo is that we are paying for her for any meals out - whether we are visiting her or she is visiting us. We expect to always pay.
Ah, meaning we both went to the same store where we both like to shop, and walked around, and I paid for all of it.
The pattern in my family is that the older generation pays; the pattern in my DH’s family is that people nickel and dime (in a distasteful way IMO). Certainly I’m in a position to buy groceries more easily at this time in our lives.
Oh, I like that and will remember it “people give me what they want to give me.”
As far as Hoggirl’s dilemma, what would you like to happen. Is it you don’t want to go on a longer trip. Do you really WANT to go on a shorter trip with them? A trip and let them know your feelings have been a little hurt or just let your feelings have been hurt.
If you really truly want to go, but shine a light on being excluded, you could say something like “I’ve listened to you make plans for years and it always sounded fun. If you ever decide to do just a short weekend, I’d love to be invited”.
@Hoggirl I think so many on here have given you great advice. I just wanted to say that it makes me sad that you are excluded. But I also wanted to say that I don’t know anyone that comes to California to specifically visit Temecula. Not sure what they are doing there, but if it’s wine tasting I would never go there when we have so many better places to visit and taste wine here in California!
My DH only has brothers and his mom was deceased before I met him. So, I never felt left out of anything with his family.
But…when my mom died 10 years ago my brothers and dad ( I don’t have sisters ) would get together for meals, golf, sporting events – all things I like to do. I was never invited. They reached out to my DH a couple of times and he declined and one time said, maybe you should be inviting your sister. One of my brothers ( my favorite ) reached out and apologized and began inviting me to join. Never feels good to be left out, especially when it comes to your family.
Ha ha! That’s exactly what they are doing. Or are doing part of the time. One of the friends used to live in Riverside. My sil and this one friend went out there a year ago. I will say my mil and sil have been to Napa. They did some sort of wine cruise together. Left from SF maybe?? Not sure - I wasn’t invited on that trip either - lol
I can relate somewhat. I am an only child. When I was married to my ex-husband (4 siblings) I was closer to his family than he was, especially his sisters. His family wasn’t close, but I was definitely “in” with the family. Then we got divorced, and relationships went away. I stayed friendly with one sister for a little while, but it got hard and we gave up. My kids have had almost no relationship with their dad’s family (has nothing to do with me, I would have welcomed it). There are probably 7 cousins to my kids, but if they could name 1 I would be surprised.
I’ve never been close to my current husband’s family. Both parents are now gone, and I get along with his (3) siblings fine, but I am the only 2nd wife (one is divorced, not remarried), and definitely the “outsider.”
I did have several aunts and uncles, but I’m only really “close” to one, and hers are the only cousins my kids really know.
I have resisted this thread because I totally get the OPs viewpoint and I will get all whiney.Lol.
My siblings do stuff together all the time, they post photos, they live close to each other and I should be an adult and smile. I know they are totally good people. But it hurts my feelings that we are never invited. Ever. Not even as a gesture. What’s up with that?
My in-laws are dysfunctional and always have preferred my BiL to DH, and his wife to me. They see them regularly but we have to arrange in advance so as to not disrupt their plans. Feels great…
Both groups ,we have done what the upthread suggests – said “oh, we would have come” or “gee, sounds great”. They all see this as making trouble. When my mom complained I seemed hurt one epic trip they all took, I said well, I didn’t get invited and she said of course you did…
My siblings regularly travel hours for leisure trips. We invited them to events here — it’s apparently too far. So yes, even though I know they love me, it hurt my feelings and I am over trying to bridge the gap. My SiLs are uninterested in being friends, they are good with cordial and that’s gonna have to be enough. DH and I spent far too manyyears feeling like we were somehow responsible or damaged or defective. I gave myself permission to stop trying so hard to be included and that has made it much easier.
But sometimes you really do want to yell at them, “helllooo? Remember me?!?”
). I learned a lot about how my perception of a “normal” family operates and it had a strong impression on how I’ve raised my family (we try to do Sunday Dinner at least once a month with our grown kids).