Why would anyone but the parents imagine they have the authority to tell the children what, and how much, they have to eat? We taught our children healthy eating habits and chose not to battle over food. We didn’t allow others to override our parental authority and make the dinner table a battleground.
Perhaps because they consider certain food rules, like “clean your plate” or “you must eat the vegetables” to be universal. Or because the children’s eating behavior is so weird.
My son went through a period where he ate a limited range of foods – mostly just bread, cereal, cheese, fruit, and pizza. The only item on this list that was likely to appear on the table at a holiday dinner was bread (in the form of dinner rolls), so he would just eat a few rolls, drink his milk, and ask to be excused. An amazing number of people other than his parents tried very hard to force him to eat meat and vegetables, and they never asked his parents if it was OK to do so. They seemed to assume that it was a universal rule that a child should be forced to do this.
For awhile, it seemed that the only foods my nieces consumed at holiday meals were bread and dessert. When I started to bake my own bread, I got lots of amazing compliments from them. Play to the audience!
In a lot of families, the strict border between nuclear family and extended family doesn’t exist to the degree posited here. For those kind of families, the parents wouldn’t be in a particularly more privileged position to decide what eating behavior is acceptable, over, say, a grandmother or aunt. In fact,the idea that only the parent would have standing to voice concern or dismay over the kid’s eating habits seems pretty idiosyncratic to me. I’m not sure, in practice, how widespread that strict division really is in modern American culture.
My ,kids never had to try anyyhing, never had to clean their plates, but the rule we had was that you did not comment on the food (except to say it was good). No ‘eew’ or ‘I don’t like things that are green.’ If offered, they could say no thank you or if put on their plates they could leave it. No commenting on what other people ate, or how much. One of my kids ate very little and mostly white food. I was fine with it. She was a preemie and had food issues and I wasn’t going to have a battle over food. If she ate nothing when we were guests, sometimes I’d ask if she could have some cheese, but she didn’t die without it. My other one usually ate most things, but again, no rule to try everything or 4 bites or whatever.
I don’t get making kids eat food they don’t like. I don’t eat foods I don’t like, and there are plenty of foods I like, so why eat things you don’t like? Someday someone might serve my kids grapefruit or liver, two foods I don’t like, but it won’t be me, and if they never learn to like those foods I still think they’ll have full lives. I don’t like red wine so I don’t buy it or serve it. Not a big deal.
I agree. Two of the vegetables I was made to eat as a kid, peas and lima beans, I still can’t abide. But others that I didn’t encounter until an adult, like broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussels sprouts, I like just fine.
"Why would anyone but the parents imagine they have the authority to tell the children what, and how much, they have to eat?
Perhaps because they consider certain food rules, like “clean your plate” or “you must eat the vegetables” to be universal. Or because the children’s eating behavior is so weird."
I don’t think this describes mainstream American culture. In mainstream American culture, it would be the parents who determine whether / to what extent the children are expected to adhere to that rule, and it would be odd or strange for the host of a dinner to suggest that he has “veto power” over that rule.
" An amazing number of people other than his parents tried very hard to force him to eat meat and vegetables, and they never asked his parents if it was OK to do so. They seemed to assume that it was a universal rule that a child should be forced to do this."
So what did you do when these people tried to force your son to eat meat / vegs? Did you just say nothing and let them nag him, or did you say, “He’s fine, leave him alone” and insist that your parental “stature” (again for lack of a better term) be respected? Because I have to say, a lot of your posts make me suspect that you have a hard time standing up to people who tell you to do xyz that you don’t want to do.
@Pizzagirl, I told them to leave him alone. This usually worked because they would switch to arguing with me instead and forget to pay attention to what he was eating or not eating.
And you’re right. I do have a hard time standing up to other people. Very astute of you to pick that up.
@romanigypsyeyes, where did you learn not to stomp on furniture, then? I’m guessing it was simply not done in your house, so you were able to infer that this was a “rule” for living. There was no need to be explicit about it in your house, perhaps, because your parents or the other adults in your life modeled it for you, and you were astute enough to follow their example. Perhaps my niece and nephew need more explicit guidance.
But I still believe that using the couch for one’s backside and not one’s feet is civilized, and not merely some idiosyncrasy of my family.
I think it depends on the relationship. In my family, it would have been perfectly natural for my grandmother to correct my behavior at the dinner table. My mom might have said, “Leave her alone,” but it would be highly unlikely my grandmother would listen. Or, my mom might have corrected me and my grandmother might have said, “Leave her alone.” My sisters and I have a bit of that dynamic with each other’s kids. I wouldn’t correct them in front of others but I would not hesitate to tell one of my nephews that I thought he had been rude at the dinner table, say, by making faces over the food he didn’t like, even over my sister’s objection. My sisters were the same way with my daughter. None of our kids had medical reasons to justify behavior out if the ordinary; I could see there being more sensitivities with a kid with Aspergers or something. I don’t know, our family doesn’t seem to be too out of the ordinary to me.
ETA: The one constant seems to be that if one adult is doing the criticizing another adult is saying to leave the poor kid alone.
@consolation, I suspect that your friend’s manners coaching at holiday meals wasn’t only for her children’s benefit. It was for yours, to show you that she was a Good Parent and that she knew what Good Parents do to teach their children manners. I hear this type of thing very frequently in public, a parent LOUDLY parenting, so that every stranger who overhears will recognize their Good Parent status.
Massmomm nailed it. So annoying!
Massmom–hate to sound uncouth to you, but in our house, feet on the sofa were fine if your shoes were off (don’t know why anyone would be “stomping”, though.) But my kids would never do so in someone else’s house unless specifically told to. They had no problem with, different house, different rules. Sorry to not be universal enough for you.
Dirty feet on white sofas is a bad combination.
My biggest pet peeve with other people’s children: kids who put their DIRTY bare feet against the wall!! Height of rudeness in my opinion! (I live at the beach so there are lots of kids running around with dirty bare feet.)
White sofas and kids is a bad combination.
I wouldn’t buy a sofa without checking to see whether it’s comfortable for sitting and for lying down. At the moment, my son and I are by the Christmas tree with our laptops. If he wasn’t already lying on the sofa under a cozy throw, I would be!
Feet on sofas, no problem if they’re clean and you are actually lying/sitting on the sofa. What I was talking about was actually standing and jumping on the furniture. That is uncivilized. Sorry. There’s no other way to say it.
Ah. I had read your first comment lamenting the lack of a “no feet on the furniture rule” as broader than this.
The only rule we have about vegetables in the house is that you have to eat the same volume of veggies as dessert-it’s a remarkably self-regulating rule :D.
I tell the girls to follow the social cues for whatever house they’re in-if everyone’s taking off their shoes at the front door, do that. Just watch the hostess/mom/parent/kid for cues. Especially when you have friends from different cultures.
The taking off shoes is an excellent example of a household rule that is not universal. Most reasonably civilized people can figure that one out even in households where it’s different.