<p>I was going to suggest, like many others have, that the best way to distribute hosting duties is to have a standing date with rotating hosting duties (like with a book club). Even then, someone has to take the organizing role to remind the others when it is their turn to host.</p>
<p>If your friend eagerly accepts invites, I wouldn’t take it personally that she doesn’t initiate. She may unconsciously feel that you are the more “popular,” in-demand member of your duo and she may feel presumptuous in imposing on your time by issuing an invitation. A lot of us have lingering wounds from the mean girls in seventh grade, even unconscious ones.</p>
<p>This Saturday, I am hosting our neighborhood’s Christmas party. It began ( before we moved here ) as a progressive dinner , but seems to have evolved into a one home , usually ours gathering. My friend organizes it with the invites and RSVPS , which I don’t care to do. I provide the venue and some of the food. She feels guilty that she can’t host , but she is in the midst of some renovations so her home isn’t party ready…I feel glad I don’t have to do any of the prepping </p>
<p>I have a friend who is an extrovert, I would say I am an introvert, but can act outgoing in public, so the extroverts may not realize who intro and who is extro! Over the last few years she and I have seen each other often, one on one, walking for exercise. Now & again another person would be there, but usually the two of us & I found it to be delightful, lots of great talks. This year she is traveling way more for work & I find myself annoyed that nearly every time I see her it is a group thing. Intellectually I completely understand she has tons of friends and needs to fit them all in when she is home, but personally i find the group things to be disappointing.</p>
<p>We lived in a prior town for a long time, we were often the house to go to for things like football parties, weekend nights after kid sports, even Christmas dinner. The same people came all the time, but rarely ever hosted us. When we moved I felt very odd that first year, not having any social events going on, not having many friends, etc. The funny thing was I talked to some of those prior town guests and learned that if I talked to them at a time we would have been entertaining them (4th of July, Memorial Day,etc.) they never had any plans. They were all happy to come & share our plans, but even with us gone, no one had any energy to create their own plans. Interesting.</p>
<p>I always find these threads on the nature of friendship really interesting - wish I could remember some of the others to look them up again. I don’t mind taking more social/planning initiative as long as I feel genuine reciprocal affection from the other “party”. If I don’t sense that, I’d back off. OP, why does one of them bug you more than the others? What’s the story with her?</p>
<p>My younger daughter, 21 and a senior in college, somewhat unwillingly living off-campus though across the street (long story), has often talked about this, e.g., “if I didn’t make all the effort to see this one and that one, I’d never see them”. I know her generation operates differently, and probably has more friendship-related insecurities than us middle-aged models. I think at least some of the people she talks about really like her, but just don’t invest the effort as she does. One of them just sent her a very loving “you’re a great friend” e-mail at 3am.</p>
<p>I have been reevaluating my relationship with my former college roommate, a woman that I have considered a close friend for over 40 years. A year ago, I sent her a long email telling about my H’s 50th reunion at our college (he graduated 8 years before us.). She responded that she also had been at the college recently visiting our third roommate. When I asked why she didn’t visit me on the trip (I live an hour from the college and on her way), she said that she would never drop in unexpectedly on someone. She continued the email by asking me to catch her up on what I had been doing lately.</p>
<p>It has been over a year and I still have not been able to answer. I have been married 27 years and she has never been to my house. On the other hand, I have been to her house, five hours away, many times. Looking back, I always thought that I had been invited, but now I am wondering if I missed some social cues and I rudely invited myself? At this point, I have decided that the relationship has been too one-sided, and I am just going to let it fade. Maybe by the time of our 50th I won’t be so hurt by her words.</p>
<p>I sometimes do the inviting and sometimes am invited. I do try to even it out when in my power but don’t always succeed. </p>
<p>I am an introvert, too, so inviting is a new thing for me. Maybe because of that it doesn’t bother me to always be the instigator. I know how it feels to not feel the need to go out, but to be pleased when something pops up. I am looking to the days when the kids are gone and I have more time and trying to hang on to some of my “mommy” friends. If that means I have to start and maintain a monthly go out to lunch group, so be it. One of the things I have learned getting older and living in different places is the importance of female friends and so I am going to work to keep up those relationships. </p>
<p>One of my book club friends is from a large family (as am I.) She related the story of how the siblings would accuse the oldest sister of being bossy for organizing family events and then giving everyone an assignment to help out with said event. Sister also would organize joint trips or find gifts for parents and ask all to contribute. Sister died a few years ago, and siblings haven’t gotten together since. My friend said it’s not because they don’t get along, it is just because no one is willing to do the organizing.</p>
<p>I’m the bossy older sister in my family. People think I like organizing family events. Not particularly. And my siblings know this, but I guess we’ve developed family habits. At least no one balks at participating… and a good time is usually had by all.</p>
<p>@Conmama, I might be one of those people. I’m guessing your friends are introverts. Although we do like to socialize, we don’t need it as much as extraverts and just don’t think to make plans. In my experience, it’s usually a need to socialize that drives one to plan things like outings and parties.</p>
<p>I’d be very hurt if one of my friends decided to “wait me out” rather than telling me how hurt she was. But the introvert doesn’t get off the hook, either. Once you tell her that you’re feeling like you’re doing all the planning, she needs to show you she values your friendship by making plans or inviting you over.</p>
<p>I am also not the inviter. For the some of the reasons already listed but different for different people.</p>
<p>I seem to be less busy than others. Or maybe I am busy, but if someone invites me, I am always willing to go. I can shop, clean, or run errands another time. </p>
<p>One friend I never issue an invitation to is because she can never commit. Apparently returning a sweater to a store is important enough that she isn’t sure whether she can have lunch or not.</p>
<p>Another is the one that will always try to change the details. If I invite a few people to do something and then add her, she will try to change it to what is convenient for her. Either accept or don’t but quit changing my plans.</p>
<p>Others will ask so many details that I get the impression that they are looking for a way out. Does it matter exactly who is is invited or what restaurant we are gathering at? Date and time should suffice.</p>
<p>Others are because I will call, text or email and it will take them so long to respond that the event has passed or we’ve cancelled.</p>
<p>So now I mostly wait to get invited. I also wait to be called just to talk. I almost always answer the phone and am willing to have a conversation. Even if I am in the middle of putting a load of laundry in. Most people I know never answer their phone or if they do are in the middle of something and can’t talk. So they call me. Good friends too. Just the way it works out.</p>
<p>And the final reason is that people don’t answer, cancel at the last minute, just plain don’t show up or make it sounds like I’m inconveniencing them. So I just rarely do any inviting anymore.</p>
<p>So…you might want to think about whether any of the above fits. </p>
<p>lotsofquests, I feel your hurt over your college roommate - meaningless for her to say she didn’t want to drop in unexpectedly because of course she could have told you she was coming. Without context, it’s hard to know if this is just a stupid blip in a real friendship, or a sign that it isn’t so real. But as far as you visiting her and her never visiting you, it’s possible that she genuinely sees that completely differently. Maybe the get-togethers are what matters to her, not the location or who’s hosting. Some people would feel hurt in the other direction, i.e. “She always comes here and never invites me over”. If you find a moment when you think you can speak from the heart, maybe try again? 40 years is a long time.</p>
<p>@3bm103 …nope, those don’t fit me nor my friends. Actually one of my friends keeps breaking our dates on the day of or day before. I’ve been trying to get together with her since July. I don’t take this personally, because she does it to many friends and many have just dropped her. I really like her, have known her for a long time (she’s a great person), we tell each other our secrets, and I’m not willing to leave the friendship because she is like this. But it does get VERY annoying. We get together twice a year if we are lucky. The 2nd friend is what many people here are saying…more introverted, I don’t think she could care less is she goes out alot or not. She’s a gem of a person, though…and we do enjoy each other’s company when we get together. She goes out of her way on my birthday, and I hers. We see each other maybe 4 times a year for coffee. The 3rd is the stickler for me. She is the ex-wife of my DH’s cousin…who he is VERY close to, like a brother. She was his 2nd wife and they were married 12 years. We got along GREAT, exchanged hosting holidays, took vacations together, our children sort of grew up together (but not super close), but got along well. </p>
<p>They got divorced 4 years ago and I was a confidant of hers. I was so bummed about this, and decided it would not ruin our relationship. I continued to reach out and we would get together 2 - 3 times a year and always have a great time. Well, for some reason after 4 years of this, it’s just bugging me. Maybe she’s just grown accustomed to me doing this, but we usually get together for Xmas and have dinner and exchange gifts. I, as always, contacted her and we got together late August. I’m just not doing it this Xmas. She can contact me. Maybe she doesn’t want to really…and just wants to break from the family altogether. Who knows. anyway, that’s the story.</p>
<p>I have – had? – a friend whom I’ve known since 1985. She worked for me briefly and we’ve kept in touch through the years. She lives about an hour and a half from me. We would each drive 45 minutes and get together for breakfast four times a year – very orderly. Once, I forgot our date. She called me to tell me she had arrived at the restaurant and I had to very apologetically say I had forgotten and was still at home. Since then, she won’t talk to me. She hasn’t returned my calls, my emails, or even my cards. I was wrong to have forgotten and I apologized, more than once. I find it hard to believe that because of this mistake, she’s willing to throw away 30 years of friendship.</p>
<p>VeryHappy, thats very sad. I did something similar once, but I was only 15 minUtes away and drove very fast once I got the call asking where I was.i think it was the day the clocks changed, and I just goofed.</p>
<p>VeryH so sorry- that is just not making sense is it? when something does not make sense there is usually something missing from this picture. maybe she cannot stand perceived rejection or just wanted to break it off. Not sure you will ever know.</p>
<p>Unfortunately I have had my circle of friends get smaller. Work has overtaken our life and there is not much we can do about it. In about a year at retirement we will have to pretend we just moved to a new place because we are going to have to start the inviting and meeting all over again. We have reignited the close cousins friendships and that is going well but they are out of town, so , for now that is good and can be expanded upon later.</p>
<p>I really kind of have not been invited as much and we are not inviting either. To tell you the truth I think people are socializing less as they getting older. Do you think that this goes with aging?</p>
<p>Now that I’m a major empty-nester, I’ve reconnected with some of my very close old friends whom I had neglected for many years. I’ve gone through some rough times recently which, I think, has smoothed out some of my prickly, competitive edges that, in retrospect, may have caused a wedge in these particular friendships. Simultaneously, I’ve sort of lost interest in some of my more high-powered glamorous friends who quickly scattered when the chips were down. So, for me, at least, the onset of middle middle-age has brought positive changes in my friendships.</p>
<p>We once we set up to have dinner with a couple in our old, prior home town, “next Saturday” Well, we both meant different Saturdays by that term & when we no showed (1000 miles away!) the DH was so angry he blocked emails, etc. We were able to see them when we arrived and the blatant fact that we were in town at a certain time went a long way toward proving no malice, but, WOW, he was flaming mad.</p>
<p>I beleive that to many entertaining can seem too much as we age. I love entertaining and cooking for others but putting people together can be easy or a trial . I know we would get together on a whim with more people if the restaurants were not so loud that it is difficult to hear. It is not possible to go out on a Friday without a reservation. Sat. and Sun. are better for last minute plans but the noise has become something mentioned in reviews and always negative. A very famus place opened a new site and H so wanted to go. Then he found out from a coworker that the sound level is so high as to be disturbing. Even local neighborhood places are quite loud. </p>
<p>I had my feelings hurt when the kids werer small and we would invite another family and not get an invited back. Looking back I think my entertaining was too intimidating. Having little kids at a brunch with crystal may have seemed over the top :P. We wore jeans and to me it was a lark but maybe others felt uncomfortable.</p>