<p>LIke many of us at our age, I have many friends from many different walks of life…and for that I’m truly thankful. However, I have about 3 friends that never initiate getting together. Whenever I invite out, they are always up for it and we have a great time! However, I never hear from them until I send out another email. I’m tried of doing this, and I’m not going to say anything to them about it…I’m just not confrontational like that about something like this, but it does bug me, 1 of them more than the others. I think one of them I’m just going to wait her out. Do any of you have this issue with any of your friends?</p>
<p>Not really, but I have one friend who, when we get together, always talks only about her kids. They are 14 and 15, and I don’t know what she will do when you she hits the “big kids/big problems” phase because their little problems tie her in knots now. But I’m happy to go to lunches with her and listen nonstop even though she rarely asks about my kids because she’s so busy talking about hers. She’s smart and a good person.</p>
<p>Nope. We have a standing lunch date - every Thursday @11:30 since we started playing tennis every Thursday morning. Those not playing that day came to lunch anyway. My group finally split up this year as too many were spending all winter in Florida and we were having a hard time getting subs - but lunch is still on and whoever is in town just shows up. </p>
<p>We also do girls night outs for birthdays. </p>
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However, I have about 3 friends that never initiate getting together. Whenever I invite out, they are always up for it and we have a great time! However, I never hear from them until I send out another email. </p>
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<p>First off…it’s not you! :)</p>
<p>Secondly…my sister (a clinical therapist) and I had this exact convo not too long ago. She said that it is very common for these sort of things to happen. Some folks just aren’t “think ahead planners and inviters”. They’ll happily accept invites, and happily attend, but they don’t have the “wear-with-all” to initiate plans themselves.</p>
<p>My H will tell anyone and everyone that if he didn’t have me to plan places to go and things to do, he’d never hardly go anywhere except to the gym and the golf course. He just doesn’t think about other stuff (ADHD!!!). But, he happily goes to places and will nearly always say, “that was great!”…but it doesn’t motivate him to plan something himself. </p>
<p>As long as you are not paying for freeloaders, and not always having people to your house (I don’t think that is what you mean–you are going out somewhere, and everyone is paying her own way, right?) does it matter who makes the plan? Some people just don’t like to organize things or never even think of it. They might not even notice if you don’t plan anything or you never get together for a really long time. If you plan something and exclude them–to send them a message, they probably won’t get it. I imagine that the friends who don’t plan stuff have no clue that this bothers you. You have to weigh how much this annoys you vs. how much you enjoy the non-planners’ company. If you still like them, give up on them planning stuff and don’t hold a grudge. If it bothers you that much, un-friend them. Benefit of being a planner–you always get to do something/go somewhere that YOU like.</p>
<p>In the northeast, we seem to have to do almost all of the inviting! I don’t get it. Different than Texas. I know, I know, those people are “shallow,” lol.</p>
<p>I’m that way with certain groups of friends, especially those who are extremely busy or who entertain much more lavishly than I do. There are some people who are very generous with issuing invitations but who seem stressed out or inconvenienced by receiving invitations. When I try to invite them, I am reminded of the New Yorker cartoon: “How about never? Is never good for you?” I just wait for them to initiate invitations.</p>
<p>I seem to fall into the category where every gathering is at my house , and rarely are we invited to other’s fr someone else to host. It’s been like that for most of my adult life. My BIL and SIL are big offenders. We don’t live in the same country , but to give an example, we have had them stay with us on several occasions. The last two visits were exhausting to my husband and I because they treat us like innkeepers , running a B&B. In 20 years , I have had dinner at their house ONCE.
My husband has a big birthday this year and they hinted they want to come over, but my husband wants to turn them down </p>
<p>I have a friend who is different, but also annoying. Whenever I invite her to do anything (lunch, take a walk on park trail, go X-C skiing), she has to tweek the suggestion and make it suit her exact preference. Change the suggested restaurant, see a move at a different time, walk at a different day and time, etc. I decided to let her suggest everything, and I just go along with what she decides.</p>
<p>I’ve been that person on occasion. In fact, I didn’t realize I was that person until the invitations ceased. Looking back, I think it was because I was busier than the inviters, didn’t need as many social outings as the inviters ( I’m an introvert, and in each instance the other person was an extrovert), and didn’t think the others would accept my invitation. I’m not sure why I felt that way.</p>
<p>When the invitations stopped, it never occurred to me that I should initiate some social gatherings. Crazy, I know. </p>
<p>FlyMeToTheMoon, you wrote my post. So many “reasons” why I wasn’t doing the inviting (cancer among the reasons, so complicated). I know I’ve ticked some folks off by not initiating outings. I’m trying to do better going forward. I don’t need as much socializing as others. Maybe there’s more to it. This thread is extremely interesting.</p>
<p>We have very good friends that have become this way where they are almost never initiating the invitation. It drives my husband crazy. I don’t mind and don’t take it personally and just realize that we won’t get together if I don;t take the initiative.</p>
<p>I used to be more reluctant to issue invitations and had to work on the “why would they want to come to my house” worry. It took some practice to get comfortable being the hostess.</p>
<p>All of your responses have been interesting and eye opening. The one gal I’m going to wait out I see twice a year. From the perspective of one who invites, I know there are many reasons but the underlining feeling it leaves me is that I care more about our friendship and makes me feel bad. Like they just do not care as much or like me as much. I do know I’m an organizer and planner…and I gladly do that…but I need to feel the love at least once in awhile. Lol.</p>
<p>This thread reminds me of a time in my life with a certain friend where after a point I purposely never did the inviting. </p>
<p>She and I had met at work and, on the surface, we had a lot in common. We were both young and single at that time. So we hung out a few times. Then I learned that she was having an affair with a married guy, and she would regale me with stories about him and what they’d do when they got together, yada yada yada. I realized we really didn’t have that much in common, and I was very uncomfortable about her affair, so I gradually stopped calling her. </p>
<p>If she called me, I might occasionally see her, but I didn’t really enjoy it. One day she called and started gently chiding me for never calling her. So I told her there was a reason for that – that I was not comfortable with her seeing Mr. Married. In effect, I broke up with her!! She was really surprised, but I was really uncomfortable.</p>
<p>With some friends we each go through phases of busier or not. One friend used to always invite me and a lot of times I couldn’t go and now it’s flipped and I just keep calling and hope to strike gold. As long as we keep in touch it works out in life stretches.</p>
<p>As an introvert (who sometimes lives just on the upside of depression) I can tell you that when I get an invitation I have to sometimes psych myself up to accept and get out. It’s fun once I get there but the getting out can be hard. I think it means that especially in my busier feeling phases I do less inviting.</p>
<p>At times, perhaps many times I am this person. Some of it the reason is introversion, some is being busier than all my retired friends as I still work, and have a lot of scheduled activities, as well as responsibilities that enrich my life, so don’t have time for as many one on one get togethers. If someone initiates, sure, and certainly love my time with friends. But I don’t feel the lack very often, so aside from the two or three I’m really close to, I don’t tend to go searching for social time, though I have many casual friends that ideally I’d like to see more often if time allowed. </p>
<p>In my social group, I have one friend who is a master organizer, sends out the emails every few months to get people together. We all very much appreciate her efforts and make sure to let her know, but for the most part the rest of us don’t have that sort of wherewithal. Some have it, some don’t. And it seems with age some people (perhaps especially men) just tend to self isolate a bit, don’t bother stirring themselves, though life feels better when things are mixed up a little, so we welcome those calls. </p>
<p>I don’t really have people like that anymore because eventually I stop suggesting we get together. I go through phases of wanting a more active social life and not wanting to bother. Most of my friends are real extroverts and they’re exhausting - lol But I am reaching out and I started a dinner club in my neighborhood where we meet every other month. They also want to do a wine club for the ladies - as we’ve all been part of book clubs where it really just becomes chatting and drinking wine, but that hasn’t started. </p>
<p>I see myself doing more inviting once I get kid #2 out the door and get my own life again.</p>
<p>I’ve taken to calling myself “the cruise director.” </p>
<p>I’m a naturally organized and “get it done” type person. But get tired of people assuming I enjoy making all the arrangements. It’s akin to students being part of group projects where one has to do the yeoman’s work.</p>
<p>I’ve finally reached the conclusion that as an introvert I need to focus my friendships with other introverts. Extroverts, as someone up thread mentioned, can be exhausting to us introverts. Likewise, we can be frustrating to extroverts. With most of my associations, we have an agreed to schedule, such as lunch once a month, or every three months, etc. Both of us are comfortable with this. None of my extroverted friends would be content with this type of arrangement. </p>
<p>I may have fewer friends and social engagements than an extrovert, but it works for me.</p>
<p>OP, I think some of my extroverted friends may have felt I didn’t cherish them as much as they did me, but nothing could have been further from the truth.</p>