Do you let you high schooler visit older friends at colleges? You shouldn't.

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m going to disagree with you here. </p>

<p>If an underage girl doesn’t disclose her age when she is in a scene that is inappropriate for her age, I don’t understand how the reaction is, "Oh, these guys need to leave these underage girls alone."If a guy is hitting on a girl at a party, and she doesn’t share what’s on the up and up, then she did something wrong on her part. How is the guy supposed to miraculously know that the girl is underage?</p>

<p>Now, in above situation I haven’t referenced to the guys that invite these underage girls to these parties or the guys that are bringing these girls into these situations. That’s another story. </p>

<p>The big thing is DISCLOSURE. Talk to the girl. Make some small talk. “Oh, what’s your major?” “What sorority are you with?” “What year are you?” “Oh, what’s your age?” If she’s not 18, she’s too young for you, bro. That’s when the guy backs off. At the same time, these girls don’t need to be in the college party scene.</p>

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<p>Yes of course, but its the college men who are generally charged with statutory rape when the girl is underage, not the college women with underage men. It’s not an equal opportunity crime, in practice. Please correct me if I’m wrong. </p>

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<p>Can’t help but wonder if those chastising the original poster feel a little unsettled in reading what their daughters were likely doing on their “innocuous” college visits. It’s never your little angel, is it? Adult men supplying a 16-18 y.o. girl with alcohol and having sex is rape. The casual dismissal of rape in this thread is disturbing.</p>

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<p>I know I’m late to the party, didn’t want to jump in until now… </p>

<p>Maybe college campuses should be off limits to those that are still in high school with the exception of “visit events”. So then everyone knows that everyone is of college age and able to consent.</p>

<p>Like being in a bar sort of…once you make entry, it’s safe to say that you are at least 21 and can drink so the bartender doesn’t have to worry about serving underage drinkers with each drink.</p>

<p>Girls do look older and have been known to lie.
There are also cases where girls lie the morning after, they suffer from buyers remorse…there was a case several years ago in NY/NJ where a girl lied about being gang raped by several young men…how they forced her against her will etc…</p>

<p>Well lo and behold, one of the guys had lots of camera phone footage showing her involvement and enjoyment. The boys had been kicked out of school, faces plastered all over the news media & internet and names tarnished. She should have been arrested. I can’t remember if she was arrested or not.</p>

<p>As the mother of a son, I always worried about underage girls who lie about their age, looking for a good time. The quickest way for a young man to have his life ruined. </p>

<p>I have always been open & frank with dd about not drinking to the point of intoxication(when she goes off to college). It puts one in harms way. I stress that she needs to take responsibility for her body. No one else will do it for her. It seems like intoxication and sexual assault go hand in hand on college campuses. I think preaching self responsibility goes a long way. For both of my kids…</p>

<p>It’s funny how a young woman can get drunk, have sex consensually and then cry rape and we say that she didn’t have her faculties, so yes, it’s rape. But if a male is just as drunk, consents to sex, with this same young woman, the burden is ALWAYS placed on his shoulders. Is that fair and equal? I’m just asking. I’ve always found that odd, especially with women’s lib. Are males brain cells different when under the influence of alcohol? </p>

<p>Being the mom of a son and daughter allows me to see things from both perspectives. </p>

<p>This is just my view…I’m sure most will adamantly disagree. </p>

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While this would get rid of the age problem, wouldn’t this be illegal? I know for some residential halls you can require ID’d entry and when guests enter they must give their ID to the front desk. Although, I think this is what you’re talking about…for residential halls and not for the whole campus?</p>

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I know if I was a guy, I’d be watching my every word and action around girls. Especially, when alcohol is involved. I’d understand that the law doesn’t look out for both me and the girl…</p>

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<p>Mom? Is that you? Sorry again for that! ;)</p>

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<p>late but here’s my two cents. </p>

<p>What do you mean do parents’ not know how to check their children’s social media? The concept of any parent even wanting to do this is totally alien to me. My parents would NEVER want to look at my facebook. They trust me and therefore leave my social life up to me - if I make mistakes they trust that I will learn from them. I can say that I have gotten into far fewer sticky or questionable situations that friends I know with stricter parents (although I don’t think any of them would go to the extent of checking up on their kids on facebook, that’s just disturbing to me). </p>

<p>Also, do you think the things you are describing - casual sex, binge drinking-don’t happen in high school or at high school parties? That would be naive. If you trust your children, and beyond that think that they are strong enough human beings to stand strong and not be influenced by others, then you can let them run their own social lives. 17 year olds are only one year off college anyway, so it makes perfect sense for a parent to let their child get a taste of it. I’m not saying if I were parent there would not be times I would have my reservations, or tell my 16 yr old they could not go to a college party, but I am saying it would mostly depend on level of trust and the history of the person in question, AND the friend they were going to visit, whether I trusted them to take care of them.</p>

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<p>Nope. My Ds did not do any overnight college visits without DH and me. Nor did either daughter ever even ask to do so. But I would have said no if they had, not because I didn’t trust them, but because I wanted to see the schools as well. </p>

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<p>But the law says she cannot “have sex consensually” if she is drunk. If I had a son, I would drill into him that neither he nor his partner should ever have sex if drunk. Just don’t go there. It may well be unfair, but if he refuses to have sex with a female who is drunk, no matter whether she seems willing or even if she initiates it, he won’t need to be the victim of this kind of double standard. And really, whether or not there are legal consequences to having sex with a drunk partner, it’s just not a wise thing to do, for many reasons not related to legal culpability.</p>

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<p>Trust me!!! I get that. And believe you me, I have drilled it into my sons head as well. I always put the fear of God in him that one wrong move will land him in jail AND on the sexual offenders registry for the rest of his life. </p>

<p>I can remember another case, a young man was said to have raped a young girl in high school…this was before the creation and subsequent popularity of FB… Once out of jail, after doing a 10 year stint, he friended her on FB, he was then able to get her to admit that she lied about the rape. She won almost a million dollars from a civil suit against the school system because the “rape” occurred on school property. Once he got his confession, she was arrested and she had to return the money. I clipped this article out of the paper and we discussed it ad nauseam. This young man was a NFL hopeful and his life was shattered due to his urge to have fun. I always told my son to think long and hard before he decided to have relations with any young woman. </p>

<p>I was just curious as to why this double standard exists that’s all. This country is huge on equality of the sexes and how we are just as strong, and able bodied, I am woman, hear me roar!!! et al…but when crap faced drunk college kids have sex, he is the only one who MUST be coherent and lucid(how is that even possible) He has to be the responsible party. As I said in my previous post, I guess males brain cells are different? Are they stronger? More powerful? His brain cells are better able to handle decisions when their blood alcohol level is through the roof? Are males brain cells superior to that of females when under the influence? Talk about a double standard in overdrive. </p>

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<p>Not really “brain cells” per se, but men are able to handle alcohol better than women. That’s why it’s discouraged for girls to “keep up” with the guys. Women’s bodies handle it differently than men. </p>

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<p>Welcome back, @laxripper! Glad you could come back to participate in “your” thread.</p>

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<p>Probably because with very few exceptions, men rape and women do not.</p>

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<p>Okay. </p>

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<p>Considering the definition of rape, of course with a “few exceptions” women do not rape. </p>

<p>Pushing this double standard is hurting those who need help. </p>

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<p>Not sure what you mean? Women CAN rape but do not seem to choose to very often.</p>

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<p>I’m not pushing a double standard. But when young women get hammered, have sex, want sex, enjoy sex and wake up with buyers remorse…say they were raped, that isn’t fair in my eyes. Like the young woman that I mentioned in my previous posts. Thank god the young men in the NJ case had her on video…enjoying each and every moment. She was not brutally attacked as she had told authorities. The case was dropped. Please don’t make it seem like I’m pushing a double standard. I preach personal responsibility to BOTH of my kids. One male, one female. I had an honest question. Having a son and daughter gives me a pretty wide perspective on this subject. I choose to question the fairness of it from both points of view. Which is within my rights to do. I have taken this thread way off topic, sorry folks. I’m done here.</p>

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And what do the men experience when they actually choose to come forth?</p>

<p>It’s a rhetorical question and I’m getting off topic, but to say, “Men rape and women do not.” overgeneralizes male rapes and is one of the reasons why it’s as stigmatized as it is today. In the end, it hurts those who need help: the men. </p>

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<p>It seems to me that most often when men are raped, it’s by other men. And I get why they’d be more reluctant than most to come forward in that case, or any really. </p>

<p>NewHavenmom - I too have a son and a daughter. I am acutely aware of the dangers both face (though to be honest I worry far more about my daughter than my son). I do not believe my son would rape intentionally, I can see that he might get into a situation as you describe, and yet I have also told him how important it is to not engage in sex with a woman who is intoxicated. I believe the chances of that happening to him are far smaller than the chance of something happening to my daughter, however.</p>