We wondered how they’d feel too. It might be just as awkward for them.
With older S, they had graduated and shared an apartment together like a married couple before GF visited us, so it seemed pretty normal.
With younger S, they were still in college at first. we are lucky that both kids’ bedrooms are adjoining. The kids growing up always left the interior room open. Older S has a bigger queen sized bed vs younger S’ double. So we said both bedrooms are yours to spread out and do what you want. The doors to the hall were shut at night, so whatever they did was fine by us.
Now that they’ve been together so long as well, it doesn’t seem weird.
My daughter and her boyfriend turned 18 their senior year of high school and I let him stay in her room overnight once they were not minors. We felt we had no business getting involved in the relationship of adults. The fact that this shocks some people stuns me. I have no moral code that says there is any reason for people to wait til marriage for intimacy. I certainly talked to my kids about not engaging in any activity without being emotionally ready and as protected from disease and pregnancy as possible.
I should note that this is how I was raised. My parents felt strongly that ideas about “ waiting til marriage” were paternalistic and often a result of misogyny. They were big critics of that mindset.
As one of the very few couples in Gen X who actually “waited” and has been happily married for 25 years… that restraint was silly and unnecessary. Certainly any family theater surrounding it would be ridiculous and intrusive.
Our kids haven’t really dated yet, but we’ll of course let them share a room with their partner if/when they do. They already roll their eyes when we’ve asked them if they need any condoms etc., so I expect room arrangements to be a non-issue.
I still remember my mom being nervous when I went on bcp at 16, it was during the beginning of the aids crisis and she wouldn’t let up on the condom talks. My daughters were all on bc at 16, I took them in the first time, but after that, they handled it (ring, inplant, iud). Our conversations were pretty open (the first time at the gynecologist, they were asked if they wanted me in the room, they all said yes, and they answered all questions honestly).
My parents were definitely in the no-sharing-rooms allowed, no matter how long one had been dating (for two of my siblings they’d been seeing their SOs for many years) and when my fiance and I visited my dad, we were placed in separate bedrooms.
Our extended family has been traveling together for several years now, and one of my nephews has had a serious SO for five years now (BFs in HS and then started dating right before college). At first my mom wanted them to have separate bedrooms, but when my sister made a point of it being none of anyone’s business where people stayed (and that it might keep that side of the family from coming), our mom capitulated and it’s been mostly a non-issue ever since.
We haven’t had to deal with that issue yet with our kid, but I think it will probably end up being dependent on the level of relationship. If it’s a fling while home for the summer, probably not. But if there’s a committed, serious relationship, then I’m thinking we’ll probably have to be modern day grown-ups and welcome gracefully (I will be the problematic parent…my spouse probably wouldn’t have any issues with a fling SO).
Not only the college aged ones, but during the pandemic, the high school aged one. May or may not have been the right thing to do, but at the beginning of the pandemic we all lost so much, school stopped, no summer camp, no nothing. And we really didn’t know what the future held. When kid’s sig other came to visit, we gave them the lower level of the house (which was a walled off in-law suite) and their privacy.
I remember my mother giving me a hard time when a few weeks before our wedding my husband and I spent a weekend at the house we had bought and would be moving into when we married. It was ridiculous, we were there working extremely hard to get the house ready to live in. She was worried about how it would appear to others.
Yes, my parents (and my in-laws) were the same way. When my husband and I had been seriously dating for a year and were seniors in college, we traveled to their vacation home for a weekend. His parents then drove down to “surprise us” the next morning because they thought it was inappropriate (or looked inappropriate) for us to be there alone.
Shortly before my wedding, my mom talked to me about being a virgin! Ha- too late! Ironically (or not) she made a joke about one of my brothers and his sleeping with a lot of females. Yes it was misogynistic!
D was our oldest and she has been with the same guy (now our SIL) since her sophomore year in HS. He always chose to sleep in our guest room even though we knew they stayed together when they visited each other at their respective colleges. I was pretty open with my kids and had told D years before that before she decided to have sex, she must go to the gyn and get on b.c. (she did).
Haven’t had this happen yet but I see no issue with young adults in a committed relationship sleeping in the same room. I think no sex before marriage is rooted in religion — when I decided I was an atheist twenty years ago I stopped passing judgment and worrying about loving adults doing what comes naturally . And aside from the sex part (which I’m assuming will be pretty low key under my roof lol), there’s the comfort and familiarity of waking up with your best friend in the morning. Humans crave company!
When he was a Senior, my older son shared a room with his long-term (2 years) girlfriend while on vacation with us for the holidays because they preferred it and it seemed to make sense.
My freshman son did not had his girlfriend of one year sleep over, and they never asked.
I agree with the responses about taking your son’s preferences into account.
D and her now-H felt that it would be disrespectful to sleep together in their parents’ or grandparents’ homes before marriage (even when they were living together), so they chose not to. S didn’t feel the same. He and his GF lived together and they stayed in the same room at our cottage & when they visited the grandparents (nephew had already softened up the grandparents by staying in the same room with his GF).
S lived with us for a while when he was dating his GF, and I had a different rule for that time period. Her place was about an hour away, so she stayed over from time to time instead of driving back at night. I told him that they couldn’t shack up together in our house … I explained that millions of young people before him saved up to afford to live on their own so that they could live together. She was welcome to stay overnight in our guest room, and I expected that she would wake up there. I am sure that they were in each other’s rooms during the night, and I didn’t care. I just didn’t want them getting too comfortable. They got a place together eventually, and S told me that he understood my subtle kick in the rear.
four kids here - and when my oldest was in college and we had elementary/middle schoolers in our house, we gave his long time girl friend (now wife) a spare room. That precedent stayed the same for kid #2 and her BF; and kid #3 and his GF.
but now that all kids are in college or out; it doesnt matter to us, and if they bring home their SO they can sleep where ever. I’m not quite sure what our reasoning was on all of this back then, maybe set by precedents from our own parents!
My husband and I started dating at 16 and married at 23. We went to college 1 hour apart, so spent almost every weekend together. I could leave my 11:00am class, leave at noon, and be at his fraternity house in time to watch All My Children!
His campus was much better for the weekends and I lived in a dorm with a roommate, so I always went to him. As far as my parents knew, I was staying with a female friend at her dorm, every single weekend, as I did let them know I was not on campus as this was before cell phones. When my cat passed away, mom called the hall phone at the frat house, not my friend’s phone; do you think she knew where I really was staying? I think we just went with don’t ask, don’t tell?
My S and DIL were not allowed to stay in the same room at her parent’s house, even months before their wedding. We allow both kids to have their SO stay in their rooms, but had a discussion with them before arrival. Nothing was presumed, and if anyone was uncomfortable with being in the same room with the parents in the house, the guest room was set up and ready. I left it up to the kids to make the decision. Both married the one they brought home, so it wasn’t like they came home with many partners.
My son, a close male friend, and friend’s girl friend were in for a visit. My D was away at school, so I had her room and guest room ready for visitors. The 2 rooms were a jack and jill, so the only thing between them was the bathroom. I did tell the friend that they could sleep wherever. In the morning, I could see that the guess bed might not have been slept in, as sheets were just a bit rumpled. GF belongings were in the room. We were close to the male friend, but I think they wanted to respect our home; she may have just gone into his room in the morning.
Whenever this kind of thread pops up, I am always reminded of the CC member who said her parents would not allow her MARRIED older sister to share a bedroom with her HUSBAND when they visited. They justified it by saying that it was because there was still a high schooler living in the house, but the younger sister said that she believed it was actually because they just were not comfortable with the possibility of her older sister having sex with her husband in their home.
At the time, I thought it was one of the most ridiculous things I’d ever heard of.
These replies have been so helpful and thought provoking! We have decided we are letting them share his room and I now have zero hesitancy (truly not sure why I ever did?). Again, I’m thrilled my adult/emerging adult children want to be home and they are loving, good people who are making good life choices. I really appreciate all of the helpful and insightful responses!
. And aside from the sex part (which I’m assuming will be pretty low key under my roof lol), there’s the comfort and familiarity of waking up with your best friend in the morning. Humans crave company!
I think we just went with don’t ask, don’t tell?