Like my mom, who was upset that her Baptist married friends were DANCING in public! Too funny.
3 Likes
Yes we let our college daughter and her girlfriend share a room. For SIX WEEKS(!) over winter break. Our oldest has converted the basement into an apartment so no space there and thereâs not really a guest room (just Hâs office â he works from home). It was a lot of togetherness.
So this summer they have gotten their own place but they were still here for 3 weeks before the lease started. They will be here for a few weeks before college starts back too.
Honestly I donât think we even thought twice about then sharing a room.
2 Likes
Yes. Iâm not big on formality.
When in college, no. My youngest has been seeing a young lady seriously for the first 2 years of college and when she visits she stays in a separate room with its own bathroom. We have 3 bedrooms upstairs, with our master down. Now, I donât go police them or worry about it. We just set her up in her own room and leave them alone. My older kids are out of college and when they come home we tell them to make whatever sleeping arrangements upstairs they want. I know it is an arbitrary line, but it makes us comfortable and the kids do not seem to care.
3 Likes
This topic comes up regularly on the Grown and Flown page and it is always a hoot to read the replies.
Can anyone explain to me why it is âdisrespectfulâ to the parents if the kids stay in the same room?
If the parents insisted on separate rooms (as is their prerogative) and the kids snuck around and got together, I can see that as disrespectful perhaps.
But to say âWe donât allow the kids to share a room because they know that would be disrespectfulâ makes no sense to me.
2 Likes
I honestly donât know. But my 35 year old & her 39 year old H considered it disrespectful before they were married. I respected their decision, even though I never intimidated that it would be an issue for us.
1 Like
Yeah. That makes no sense. If the parents donât care, it just is irrational. I always made clear to my kids our feelings about these things.
My DD thinks the same. She would not share a room with her BF at our house or his parents. She told me she feels uncomfortable doing that before they are at least engaged.
4 Likes
Weâre old-fashioned and our kids know how we feel. Yes, I would consider it disrespectful if they shared a bedroom with their SO in our house. And yes, we practiced what we preach. 
I know, weâre dinosaurs. I also know the kids do what they want elsewhere, but thatâs their business.
6 Likes
This, exactly. The same situation happened to ours and although it was not what we expected we would permit at such a young age, the pandemic just made things different. The GF just became part of our household and she was much neater and helped a lot more around the house than our son did!
(they also comically went in to separate rooms for zoom school and Iâm pretty sure their whole class knew they were in the same house, LOL)
1 Like
When my middle kid was starting college, his GF came on vacation with us for a few days. We had an 8th grader at the time so I asked that they not share his room and that my ds sleep on the couch. Of course that did not happen. And likely did not impact my 8th grader.
Since then, have no concerns at all.
My mother refused to come into the apartment I shared with DH before we were married, even a couple of months before the wedding. My father, who was generally more conservative, did (at least to use the facilities).
MLâs post for some reason prompted this memory.
When I was 19 I was dating a much older guy. We went to visit his upper middle class parents in their fancy house. They put us in the same bedroom. I refused. I never wouldâve slept with a bf in my parentsâ house, and I didnât want to in his parentsâ house. In retrospect, his parents must have been thinking, why is our son dating a child?
2 Likes
Continues to be an interesting thread!
I hope that all parties - the hosting parents and the visiting offspring of that parent (not saying âkidâ because Iâm assuming all of these offspring are 18 years + so should be considered young adult/adult) at least have a face to face conversation: parent/offspring/partner about the arrangement - and perhaps sharing why (like that there is a younger sibling). Make it adult, make it simple and honest - donât make anyone feel âlesserâ or scandalous, lol.
Posing a question though.
At what point if any would those of you who say no to unmarried partners sharing a bedroomâŠdo you change your mind? If they are engaged? If they reach a certain age? Are your feelings the same if the couple is 20âŠor if they are 33???
1 Like
We never faced this as our son did not have a local GF during his breaks home in HS or college. The first time we met his latest GF (now DIL) was at his house where we were the guests, so his-house-his-rules, but she had an apartment and a roommate at the time and stayed there during our first visit though Iâm sure that wasnât the norm when we werenât around. When her lease ran out later that year, our son called to let us know she would be moving in with him, so they were living together by the time of our second visit. Had they been able to visit us prior to their marriage, it would have made no sense to me to attempt to keep them apart? Why?
Attempting to separate married people is deranged IMO. If anyone had tried that with us, we would have gotten a hotel and probably never returned unless/until the restriction was lifted. And my opinion of those people would be irrevocably altered.
5 Likes
When theyâre married. Just applies to our kids. Not to friends - I didnât raise them. I donât really care if it doesnât make sense to people. Our house, our rules.
4 Likes
My DH and I were engaged in our mid-20s with a wedding date planned for the very near future. We lived together in an apartment, which we shared with his younger brother. All three of us were visiting his parents in their smallish condo for a family event, with only one spare room that had two twin beds.
When visiting, I was given the sofa bed in the living room and my soon-to-be-DH and his brother had the two twin beds. I had trouble sleeping on the sofa bed, so my future-in-lawsâ (who i love dearly) solution was for my soon-to-be-DH to move to the sofa bed and for me to share a bedroom with his younger brother.
It makes logical sense, but I did (and still do) think it was funny.
5 Likes
An update, since I started the thread. Super interesting responses! Sonâs girlfriend came for a week, they shared his room, and it was completely fine! It came down to the fact I could think of no good reason to say no to this arrangement. Saying ânoâ felt gratuitous, as if we were saying ânoâ just to say it. In the end, I want to have an adult, respectful relationship with my adult/emerging adult children. He is 21, we respect his judgement, and Iâm glad he was so excited to have his serious girlfriend stay with us, share meals with us, and spend time with us. It was nice to get an extended glimpse into their mature relationship!
27 Likes
I absolutely understand if it violates someoneâs moral and religious beliefs. I do not understand the idea of disrespect if that is not the case. I do have to ask where you really draw the line. Only at marriage? How about a decades long situation where they lived together? Already had a child?
2 Likes
I think itâs the parentâs house and each person needs to do what is right for their family and their home. If the parents donât want their kid and significant other to share a room, they are well within their rights to make that rule. If the parents are fine with their kid and their significant other sharing a room in their house, then they can go ahead and allow it.
8 Likes
I was with a friend this weekend whose daughter just moved in with her boyfriend. She is anxious to change the bed in her daughterâs childhood room from a twin to something bigger to accommodate the two of them when they visit. It made me think of this thread.
2 Likes