If someone invited me to their home I am not going to pretend to be someone I’m not. If they invited me and my partner (if we weren’t married) I would expect that they are accepting of us and our relationship. If I found out that they expected us to sleep in separate rooms I’d leave and probably distance myself from those people and certainly not go visit them again overnight.
Also why does it have to be “a person of the opposite sex”? Don’t forget gay people exist too.
Nope.
I am not going to go along with someone else’s religion. I don’t believe that and I’m not going to act like I do.
I don’t agree with this whole idea of you must obey someone else’s rules in their house. If their rule is every woman must wear a dress not gonna do that either. If they say you must pretend to be straight to a gay couple that’s not cool either. If their rule is everyone must drink wine or eat meat — I’m not doing that. I don’t drink and I don’t eat meat.
I will be respectful of other people and I’m not going to go in and trash someone else’s home but I do think it’s ridiculous and honestly beyond ridiculous really — just terrible — to hide who you are and not be honest about being yourself with whoever you might be visiting.
Respect goes both ways. I think it’s disrespectful of the couple to tell them they have to sleep in separate beds.
Do you let your college student share their room with their visiting boyfriend/girlfriend while home?
My answer to that question is no!
My child and their significant other lived together prior to getting married. Both sets of parents respected them in their home yet neither set of parents had them sleeping together in their homes. The respect went both ways.
All of these other scenarios don’t fit the question. What I ask of my children (to respect the people whose home you are in) is not what I ask of others. They are none of my business.
Both my child and their spouse never had an issue with this nor did they ever threaten not visiting because of it.
Mine too! I mentioned early on that we didn’t think twice about letting D22 and her girlfriend stay in her bedroom whenever they visit and have since they started dating.
I mentioned this discussion when D22 said her boyfriend might visit. She had honestly never considered that he would stay anywhere but her room (she said she stayed in his room when they were at his parents house; I had never thought to ask). We agreed that she wouldn’t have loud sex while mere feet from my room; she was appropriately horrified at the suggestion and said she’d feel too weird about it anyway).
I think it was your post that made me think about my daughter and her girlfriend visiting and their sleeping arrangements! Thank you for that, I feel SO great about the time they spent with us and part of it was just treating them as the young adults they are (and as an aside, now that we’ve met her and spent time with her, we all love her girlfriend )
My son and his college girlfriend have been together for years. We set her up in his room in the beginning and made him take the guest room…trying to be respectful of her parents as the parents of the boy. About a year in, DS told us her parents let them stay in the same room. We loosened the rules at our house…most of our decisions were around being respectful of her parents if that makes sense.
Back in the day, DH and I were not allowed by either set of parents to stay in the same room, even when we were engaged. In fact, the bedroom I slept in at his house required you to walk THROUGH his parents bedroom to get there. Awkward. I never got out of bed without someone coming to get me. And this was before cellphones.
My sons were allowed to have their girlfriends stay in their rooms even while in high school as long as the other parents granted permission. The oldest just graduated from college and moved to another state with his college girlfriend. She stayed with us when they visited over Spring Break, and we just returned from a trip to their new home. The younger is in college on the other coast and he and his girlfriend spend semester breaks together here in our home. It’s quite a change from the empty nest when they are here, but I love the time together. I also well understand I am no longer their primary relationship, and I’m happy they are experiencing healthy loving relationships. They are good boyfriends and responsible, respectful young men who may well make their lives with these young women. I want them to feel welcome to come home and comfortable choosing to share a bedroom with their partners.
I get this about respecting the girl’s parents…I get the kindness and thoughtfullnes of the gesture (having been brought up myself by traditional Southern parents in Alabama way back in the day (I am 67 years old). But it bugs me. It hearkens back to the time when a young woman was the property (or protected, cherished charge, if you will, of her father, until she becomes the charge of her legitimate husband. Essentially a half-child to be “husbanded” for the rest of her life. Assuming a young woman has reached the age of legal adulthood and has the right of agency, why should her parents be consulted any more than the parent of a young man? Something to mull over…
Clearly there are different viewpoints on this subject, and I believe that most posters want to do the right thing (whatever that means to them). It does seem curious as to why respect for an adult woman’s parents would be more important than the respect for what the adult woman wants.
Didn’t mean to criticize, I acknowledged that the thought behind it was kind. I will also recognize here the truth that an 18-or 20-year-old adult is still very young and in a transition stage maturity-wise…and that it’s the young person who can get pregnant who is most vulnerable if a pregnancy does occur while in your home. So it’s natural and gracious for a young man’s parent to be a bit nervous about how his girlfriend might be affected by her stay in your home. ( I think it’s great to make sure there IS a place where she can sleep solo if she does prefer). But I’m a person who somehow can’t help thinking outside of the box ( believe me, I hold crazy debates with myself about all sorts of things) and I often use this forum as a way to think about all kinds of interesting things from different angles. Sometimes there are no clear-cut “right” ways to go about things, just different perspectives. I most value a person with a good heart, whether I agree or disagree.
Ds2 is meeting his gf’s parents this week, including spending the night at their hosue. I hear that they are super Catholic. I wonder what the sleeping arrangements will be. Oh, and they are going camping, too. How many tents?
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