True but some on this thread feel the same if their kids are out of college and unmarried.
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Exactly. Iâm asking where do those who wouldnât allow it for a college student draw the line . Out of college? Out of college and living with the person? Living together for X years? With a child? Where is your line. Thatâs what Iâm asking.
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I think itâs different for every family. Since the scenario above with two kids and unmarried is highly unlikely for my kids I would answer the more realistic scenario. When they are engaged or married.
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Iâm not sure where my personal line is, I have yet to encounter this scenario. But, my parents didnât let my husband and I share a room until we were engaged, even though we lived together.
I think the key here is respect. If youâre visiting someone elseâs house you follow their rules, you bow your head even though you never pray before meals, take your shoes off at the front door even if you donât at home, and sleep in separate beds if that is what the owners of the home prefer.
If you donât want to do any of those things, I think you fix the problem by staying in a hotel.
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This. I hope we instilled respecting othersâ values, even if they differ from ours. We tried to do so from the beginning. Examples:
My children and my neighbors played and went on excursions together. My neighborâs boys didnât wear seat belts in the car (before it was a law); mine did. When riding in my car, everyone fastened seat belts before we started off. Their mom just said thatâs their rule. No one argued.
My sister and husband chain-smoked. We donât. They had to take it outside when here. I doubt it even occurred to them not to come if they couldnât smoke in the house. When we went there, Iâd never have asked them not to smoke while we visited. Presumptuous much? Their house and so on.
To me, this is more of the same. Your house/your rules. I respect that. Iâd hope that my adult children work within those parameters. I know my oldest stayed in a separate room on a separate floor when at her boyfriendâs house. His dad made sure to let me know. Neither his son or my daughter thought to argue or stay elsewhere and all had a good time. (Thinking back they were technically older than college age as my daughter was already in law school. You can think what you want about that but, again, his house/his rules. And for the record, I co-grandparent with him at school functions and heâs a lovely man.)
Just because you believe one way doesnât mean someone else canât believe differently.
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Exactly.
For the record I give my adult children that same respect that I hope they accord to others. I noticed my daughter/husband/and two little boys take their shoes off at the door of their house. I asked her husband if I should take mine off also. He just said my daughter preferred them to do so. She didnât grow up doing that but so. I kick my shoes off at her house. Her rules and all that.
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It is a difference in opinion but I think that ârespectâ goes both ways. And if the rules are âno sleeping together in our home till you are marriedâ - and the couple decides to stay in a hotel⊠at a certain point/age I think there still has to be unwritten awkwardness when the couple comes to the home from the hotel!
Itâs sort of a lose, lose situation.
Itâs obviously no big deal for a couple (Iâll speak for myself) to sleep apart for a couple of nightsâŠI mean, pick your battlesâŠ
I wonder if there are different standards for guys bringing girls home or girls bringing guys or same sex couplesâŠ
(not all this post directed at @Izzy74 )
We are the more âliberalâ parents for my D and her bf. They were both out of college the first time they stayed here. They share her bedroom at our house but he sleeps on the couch if they stay over night at his parentsâ house. D is very respectful of their house rules but in the year that theyâve lived in the area, sheâs only stayed at their house twice. I canât even count how many times they stayed over night here.
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I donât think there would be any issue with a respectful conversation beforehand with Mom and Dad about the issue, but I think at the end of the day itâs their house, their rules, even if it is awkward.
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Exactly again. When my youngest visited her boyfriendâs parents - different state - his mother asked for her preferences: apart or together. It turned out together but the neighbors werenât in town and left access to a âsmall houseâ in their backyard for them. Daughter and boyfriend stayed there. Boyfriend at the start of visit/fiance at the end, which we all knew was in the works.
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My daughter (21) and her girlfriend recently stayed with us. They have been dating for several months but this was their visit to our home together. Thanks to this thread, we set up the guest room for them (queen bed) and gave them the option to stay wherever they were most comfortable. They opted for the guest room together and seemed quite pleased to be treated as adults.
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Thought to ponder based on my friendâs reaction to her daughter sharing a room with her visiting boyfriend. True scenario.
Boyfriend 1 - fine but
Boyfriends 2-5 - less fine.
I believe it was over an 18 month period. Some of the boyfriends lasted a short duration and were quickly replaced. Parents grew less comfortable with the revolving door of young men.
The parents expressed discomfort at some point and highly offended their daughter, who thought they were being judgmental. Which I guess is a fair point.
Weâve all talked more stable relationships in the thread thus far. Has anyone else seen this scenario take place?
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My daughterâahemâdated several frogs before she found her prince (now husband). I allowed her college dates to sleep wherever they wantedâwith her in her room or on the living room couch. Up to them. She met her husband while in med school and they shared a bed when they stayed with me, a year before they were engaged.
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I think my boys know better than to bring some rando home, lol. And, yes, six boyfriends in the span of 18 months qualify as randos. Bring home someone youâve had the time to get serious about.
And to be clear, I think you can be serious about someone in three months. I told dh that I loved him after six weeks, and we were engaged after eight months. But you canât be equally serious about someone every three months.
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Was this daughter living at home, or bringing these boyfriends to visit while living elsewhere? Those seem like rather different situations, and the latter is what has been discussed previously in this thread.
My son just told me he has a new girlfriend. He called especially to share this with me. She is coming next week for the 4th and staying with him in his room. Daughter is flying in in a few days and she is bringing the boyfriend. I canât wait to have them all under my roof!
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I think the smoking issue is somewhat different from the room-sharing issue in that breathing second-hand smoke directly affects your long and short-term well-being. The smell of smoke gets absorbed into walls, upholstery, furniture for a long, long time, if not permanently. Same with other things, such as shoe-wearing or bringing pets, or other things that affect the conditions of the home. But unless there are small children in the home (and presumably the children donât have to be aware of the legal marriage status of their parentâs adult friends, especially now that many women do not change their names) or unless the couple are noisy in the guest room (rude no matter what the marriage status) I really donât understand the parallel about respecting the home. I do think itâs important to respect the rules of a home. (I, personally, wouldnât feel comfortable imposing on anyone who is offended by me or my lifestyle). I think itâs fine to ask oneâs own young-adult (i.e. younger than late-twenties? ) non-married adult children or grandchildren to respect those rules âŠif nothing more than because of the awkwardness of the situation (although itâs not what Iâd do). But I really think that if your values (religious or otherwise) are such that you cannot abide the thought of a fully adult non-family couple who has been together for a long time (I.e. a year or more, let alone those with children or those who live together) then i think you wouldnât disrespect THEM by inviting them both to stay in your home in separate rooms. They arenât children. If you truly believe their behavior is immoral or objectionable by your standards then maybe they shouldnât be in your home at all, or should just visit during the day.
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Living away from home - college student.
Well thatâs just weird, I thought kids were supposed to be nervous about introducing dates to their parentsâŠ
But who knows, maybe meeting the parents was the cause of all these breakups 
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I think itâs lovely to offer, âWhich would you prefer - together or separate?â My friend did that when boyfriend (now dh) and I visited her and her husband when we were dating post-college.
However, I wouldnât have that option in our home. Our sofa isnât conducive to sleeping on, and I only have one guest bedroom. I suppose I could offer ds an air mattress in our third bedroom which we use as an office.
My mother didnât/would have never allowed sharing a bedroom until marriage in her home. I likely wouldnât have allowed it in college, but idk. It didnât come up because ds did not have a girlfriend while in college.
I know Iâm going to get flamed for this but here is my POV: If you yourself remained, âpure,â until marriage, then I think you have standing to insist on separate bedrooms. If you didnât? Well, to have that as a house rule seems both disingenuous and hypocritical to me. YMMV
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