Do you lie to your children?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have a friend who used to tell her kids that the ice cream truck was “the music truck” that came around every afternoon to play them some music - they bought it for a while. She also told them that Easter candy (jelly beans and foil eggs) were “seeds.” I don’t know what she was thinking - she wanted to keep them away from unhealthy food, but they hadda wonder what was up with Mom once their peers set them straight.</p>

<p>I have been known to fib, misrepresent, and avoid the truth about what I consider to be minor things. I fib to spare someone’s feelings, avoid confrontations about small issues, and save time. Yep, I do. (“I’m sorry we can’t make it - we’re busy that day” isn’t really a lie. We’ll be busy doing something.) I haven’t ever lied to my children about anything I or they would consider important. Situational ethics? Sure!</p>

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<p>I remember that my grandmother used to tell me that women had babies in their bellies as a result of accidently swallowing seeds while eating watermelon. If at least one seed caught and started to grow the woman ended up with a baby. As a result, I did all in my power to be very careful eating my portion of watermelon, which was served nearly daily during the summer, or at least that’s how it seemed at the time.</p>

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<p>My daughter could read just about anything by the time she was 4… there was no way I could avoid the truth about anything that was in print.</p>

<p>That reminds me of when D was about 5, and I took her to get tested for HIV ( she had, had, mulitple transfusions before the supply was tested in 1982).</p>

<p>Just the week before, her class had attended a celebration in honor of a friends uncle who ( died from AIDs) and had been a local artist who was having a local college theatre/gallery dedicated in his name ( his family also sponsors a local artistic award- the Neddy) :)</p>

<p>Anyway, so she was more aware than most 5 year olds of the disease- I was taking her to be tested at the health dept, because I was told that was the best place if you wanted to remain anonymous.</p>

<p>However- they had about a 20 page list of questions to ask me, like Did I know who her father was, and were we still in contact?
I had told her, I was getting her tested for allergies, which I thought was plausible. However, she was sitting on my lap while they were asking the questions, and kept turning the questionaire around so she could read it.
So afterwards she had a lot of questions for me about why I was taking her to get tested.</p>

<p>( her reading skill also caused difficulties when we were in the local beach restroom, which had quite a bit of colorful graffiti on the wall. However- sometimes I didn’t have to try and explain what those words meant, because the artist also helpfully supplied pictures! :eek: )</p>

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<p>Wish I’d read some of these responses years ago!
We NEVER pushed the myth of Santa, the Easter Bunny, etc., but played along and let them make their own assumptions. Surprisingly, our older kids, nieces, and nephews, “believed” WAY longer than we thought they ever would. </p>

<p>One thing that happened last week bothered me, though. Older S. (17) was remarking negatively on some kids who were trying to act worldly and edgy by discussing their pot habits, what varieties are best, etc. Without thinking, I make a remark to the effect of “pot is overrated” (“Wha???”). S. of course then asked if I had ever smoked pot and I responded truthfully. It was an on-the-spot decision, and one I think I regret. I realize he will come back from his first semester at college a much more worldly person, but this is not what he expected to hear from his dowdy, clean-living mother at this point in life. I went on to explain (truthfully) that it was just a few times, I didn’t particularly like it’s effects, and looking back I don’t know WHY I even did it. Not peer pressure. Curiousity, or a chance to upset my heavy-smoker father (gee, terrific)…? I got the impression it was not something he was comfortable hearing, and I don’t blame him.
Sorry if it’s off the original topic a bit. It bothered me, though.</p>

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<p>Don’t regret it. He is 17. He is not a fool. Our kids need to know we are not perfect, that we made mistakes, our judgement wasn’t always perfect, but that we learned, etc.</p>

<p>That way if they make a mistake , do something stupid, they know that we have been there as well.</p>

<p>Smoking pot isn’t the worst thing, its like saying you had alcohol. And your explanations were real, you didn’t place blame on others, and that is a valuable lesson. Nothing horrid happened to you, it was just a waste of time for you.</p>

<p>Don’t let it bother you, we shouldn’t be on pedestals…we need to be real and approachable</p>

<p>THis wasn’t a 10 year old, this was a 17 year old</p>

<p>I have told my kids about my drug stuff</p>

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<p>I ended up having a conversation on the hallucinations magic mushrooms cause a few years back with my “dowdy clean-living” mother. It just serves as an amusing anecdote and to remind me that my mum was a crazy hippie in her student days.
Anyway, not a parent, but when I was little and it was my mum’s birthday, I asked how old she was and was told “21” as a joke (she would probably have been in her late 30s). I believed her and for years afterwards I counted from then, until I mentioned to her brother it was her 27th birthday the week before, and got laughed at :(.</p>

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<p>Thanks, CGM and DramaPrincess-
My foray into the world of drugs/vices was pretty tame compared to most of my classmates, though we didn’t get into that whole discussion!</p>

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<p>(Took me a bit to post – I had to get on my flame-proof suit first.)</p>

<p>H and I made the decision before we had kids that we would never lie to them. It had to do with our backgrounds and childhoods, and too complicated to go into here. Our kids have known they will always get a straight answer - or as much of the truth as we feel is appropriate to give at a given age. (As in early questions about sex.) </p>

<p>So we did not do Santa. Our kids got, and still get, their presents from some body named “SWLY” - pronounced Swiley. It stands for Someone Who Loves You. They had every bit of wonder that someone could love them that much! And had a great time wondering who. And never (well, seldom) asked for anything on their lists unreasonable, because they knew the presents were coming from people. So we never got asked for a baby brother, or a resurrected pet, or a cure for cancer. If they asked who Swiley was, we told them “Someone who loves you.” Do you know who? “Yes.” Who? “I’m not telling.”</p>

<p>My kids never even heard of Santa till they were old enough to go to preschool. My oldest came home with comments like:</p>

<p>“I know Santa is pretend. So who REALLY comes down the chimney?”</p>

<p>We had a lot of talks about what was a child’s responbility to share with other kids, and what was was their own parents’ business. We told them some families like to pretend this with their kids, and that’s okay. As far as I know, none of my kids ever let on to others. They thought it was fun to be the only one who knew. I had one preschool teacher call me in for a conference because she felt I was depriving my children. She said they needed something to believe in. I told her my kids do believe in Someone who cares if they are good or bad, who sees them when they’re sleeping, who likes to give good gifts… I know she thought I was off my rocker.</p>

<p>I’m curious to see if any of my kids “does” Santa with their own kids. I kinda doubt it. SWLY’s been good to them.</p>

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<p>Hey, binx, if flames fly, I will stand with you. :)</p>

<p>My boys have no regrets about not having Santa. They, too, were told not to say anything to kids who DID believe in Santa, and they were always good about it. It was a bit challenging when we had a 10 or 11 year old Cub Scout in our den who still believed… but that was more a question of keeping the OTHER Scouts from teasing him.</p>

<p>What I thought was funny was that Scout’s mom. At a pack parents’ meeting once, people were talking about Santa, and she insisted that she never LIED about it, she just let him believe. Not five minutes later, she said she would “lie throught her teeth” to keep him believing… O…K…</p>

<p>I should say, I have nothing against those who do the Santa thing. If that works for their family, that’s great. But we also felt like binx, that we wanted to always be as truthful as we could with our kids. …I was thankful that, for some reason, sex questions generally seemed to come up when we were driving somewhere. Since I was driving, and they were in the back seat, they at least didn’t see my red face as I tried to come up with an appropriate answer.</p>

<p>And we have also told them, at least in general terms, the truth about our past history–including drug usage–and our regrets at certain things. They seem to respect us for trusting them with the truth, and neither boy, to our knowledge, has ever tried drugs… not counting alcohol, that is.</p>

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<p>Now, Binx, why would you be expecting flames? I don’t see anything wrong with what you did, in fact, it’s kind of cool. I think the preschool teacher was way out of line…</p>

<p>I’ve done Santa forever and he’s coming again this year. It’s just fun and wildly entertaining, it’s not meant to be serious.</p>

<p>I still hide all of the presents, and stay up all night Christmas Eve to sneak them under the tree. Although, it HAS been harder and harder to sneak around and do all the shopping and sneak the gifts home undetected. </p>

<p>This past Christmas, I was at the mall with my daughter - because of our schedules, we had exactly three days together before Christmas to buy every else their gifts, and I still had not completely my shopping for her. And there was a certain purse she wanted, for sale at the mall where we were. </p>

<p>I HAD to get that purse, and needed to do so undetected. So, when we stopped in the food court for a break, I invented that I had to go to the bathroom, and RAN to the store to buy the purse. I rushed them through ringing it up, and discovered to my dismay that they had only see-through bags. So I made them stick it into several bags, but, it still didn’t hide the purse.</p>

<p>Then, I RAN back to the food court area, and RAN into the bathroom, which was quite crowded. I walked over to the sink area and began pulling dozens and dozens of sheets of paper towels out of the dispenser and stuffing them into the see-through bags around the purse, hoping to create a sort of concealing barrier. I was doing this as fast as humanly possible, oblivious to the people around me who were of course staring at me wondering what was wrong with me… </p>

<p>Imagine my horror when I hear my daughter’s voice: “you’re not very good at this, are you mom?”. I looked up and there she was, standing right there, witnessing me stealing all the paper towels and trying to hide the purse. She evidently wondered what I was doing in the bathroom for so long, and came in to check on me. </p>

<p>I managed to say “it’s not what it looks like” with a straight face - I was trying to think of a lie to cover - so I tried “see, we’re out of paper towels at home, I was trying to pick a few up here…” - my daughter turned around and walked straight out of the bathroom, and of course all the people in the bathroom were staring at me…</p>

<p>We both laughed so hard we were nearly sick…</p>

<p>It’s all about the fun, and what works for each family. I cannot imagine anyone getting upset or for that matter even slightly concerned if other families make different choices…</p>

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<p>lspsf72 – I was a real pothead when I was in college and my kids know it and have known it for a long time. If I hadn’t told them, someone else would. If anything knowing that pretty much took away the allure and the glamor. Both my kids are fairly averse to it. They’ve tried it, but they both have told me separately that they don’t like it. </p>

<p>I think my being open was a good thing because in high school my d had some issues with heavy pot-smoking with some friends, and she was able to talk to me openly about it – since she knew I wasn’t going to freak out-- plus, in a sense she saw me as an “expert” who might know something about how the drug use was impacting behavior. My daughter was distraught in part because the friends were no longer fun to hang out with – instead of being able to go out to movies or the mall or the park or whatever, the pot smokers just wanted to sit around and smoke. So there was a little bit of a transition as my d. moved away from that old crowd and found new friends with habits that fit in a little better with her active, outgoing lifestyle.</p>

<p>I mean, when it comes down to it, when we lie to our kids to hide the “bad” stuff that we do or have done – however we rationalize it – we have taught them to lie to us when they reach the age where they are the ones doing the stuff that needs to be hidden.</p>

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<p>latetoschool - lol, that’s quite a picture you paint. </p>

<p>I was worried about being accused to be a holier than thou you lie, I don’t Christmas grinch. Thanks for taking my post in the spirit it was intended.</p>

<p>Calmom - I do try to be honest, but I have to admit that it’s harder about the “bad” stuff. Good for you for being there. My boys live far from home, but will still call to discuss tough situations. It’s a fine line I walk between sharing my opinion and allowing them the freedom to make (and think through) their own choices. But I am glad they feel my opinions are trustworthy.</p>

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<p>One day, we were shopping for Toys for Tots, and my Ds asked me why Santa didn’t bring all the kids the same amount of presents and why were we helping Santa?</p>

<p>I reminded them that mmany of their presents were from mom and dad, and that some moms and dads can’t buy as many, so we help them, but having the presents come from “santa” maybe was a bit less embarrassing at Christmas than if they knew people knew they were poor.</p>

<p>I knew then they were going along with Santa for me, and they went and added more to the cart for Toys for Tots</p>

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<p>LOL!! We were truthful with our kids about things - including Santa Claus. My kids insisted on believing - I would say, “Santa Claus is a happy pretend” right from when they were little bitty kids, and my kids would say, “No, he’s real.” So - I TRIED to be honest. I answered sex questions early, too, which made life easier when those questions were asked at a later age - the basic information was already common knowledge. I had the only 3-year-old who knew that her little brother was in momma’s uterus (not tummy), and was going to be born when the cervix dilated enough to allow passage… you get the idea? I think honesty makes for a more real relationship with one’s kids. They know that Dad spent a while on his parent’s couch after dropping out of college the first time, and that he smoked a lot of pot.</p>

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<p>Frazzled,
I had to laugh when I read about your neighbor telling the kids that the ice cream truck was a music truck. I did it too when my eldest D was small. She looked forward to hearing the music every day when the weather was warm. She was quite surprised when she eventually learned that the truck had treats for sale :).</p>

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<p>calmom-- I can sympathize with your daughter. For me, it was the realization that I couldn’t bear to sit through yet another showing of “Laser Zeppelin” with a group of stoned kids.
I think what bugged me about the pot thing wasn’t so much the fact that I’d done it, but trying to explain WHY I’d done it (I still don’t really know). It’s actually the drinking that scares me more…</p>

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<p>I believe in honesty about the drug/alcohol/sex stuff too, in moderation.</p>

<p>I didnot eat watermellon for years. LTS, why do they tell us such things about those seeds? Kids r impressionable</p>

<p>LTS, your tale of paper towels is hilarious</p>

<p>Several years ago I gave up trying to surprise S with gifts. Now, we get together to go shopping for that new electronic gadget.</p>

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<p>When D was in about second grade, she came home from school one day and said, “Santa’s not real, is he?” I admitted he wasn’t. She asked, “Is it ok if I believe in him for one more year?”</p>

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<p>I’ve been honest about MOST things, age appropriately, of course, except:</p>

<p>S: “When I grow up, I want to drive a garbage truck.”
me: “That’s great! After you go to college, if you can pass the garbage-truck-driver test, you can drive a garbage truck!”</p>

<p>S: “When I grow up, I want to be a firefighter.”
me: “That’s great! When you graduate from college, if you can pass the fire-fighter test, you can be a fire fighter!”</p>

<p>and so on for street sweepers, back hoes, bulldozers,…</p>

<p>(We live in a community where a college education is NOT an expectation for many)</p>

<p>I wasn’t lying about being OK with S’s eventual career choices, but I was 'Exaggerating" about the need for a college education. It’s a family joke now.</p>

<p>~Mafool</p>