Do you lie to your children?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>A comment in another thread provoked me to consider that I might just be a rather horrible sort of parent. I started to count all the lies, and ended up with quite a long list -</p>

<p>First, there’s the whole Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy etc. thing - I still pretend Santa visits, and that the Easter Bunny always comes, although biology made the Tooth Fairy obsolete. I know she knows better, but, if I suddenly admit there’s really no Santa Claus, I will have to admit I’ve been lying for two decades. </p>

<p>Then, in response to questions like “how was your day”, I always say that it was “wonderful” or “very productive” or “very nice - excellent progress on a number of fronts”, even though I had a horrible, brutal day. </p>

<p>I always say “s/he seems very nice” in response to questions about what do I think about this teammate or that professor or some coach. (The exception might be if they strike me as scary or dangerous in some way - but that hasn’t happened yet.)</p>

<p>I pretend our financial footprint is very close to the edge, even though it isn’t.</p>

<p>I act like it’s a great idea to go with her to see some lame movie, even though the movie doesn’t particularly interest me. Then I lie when she asks me if I fell asleep though some parts of it…</p>

<p>I’ll pretend it’s a wonderful idea to respond to the interview request from the college in Minnesota, even though I’m thinking “why in heaven or hell would ANYONE choose to go THERE and do THAT?”.</p>

<p>Actually, nine years ago, when she decided to try out for the team for the sport that has become her life’s passion, I thought “that’s a weird thing to be wasting time on, probably it passes in a week or so”, but instead said “great idea, good for you! how can I help?”…</p>

<p>And so on…</p>

<p>Surely other parents do this?</p>

2

<p>I don’t think a couple of those examples are black and white lies. You may not have been totally upfront with your opinions or feelings. </p>

<p>The case of Santa Claus, etc. is a case of childhood fantasy and magic and all parents do that!</p>

<p>I tend to be a very open and honest person. It just is how I am, I guess. The only kind of “lie” I can think of that is a black and white lie, as opposed to some examples you gave that are merely not being forthright with your feelings/opinions…is sometimes I share news of my kids confidentially with my husband and may say I haven’t told Dad, and vice versa. I know that is a lie but I can’t help it. He does the same! If he hears a piece of good news from one of them and the child hasn’t told the other parent yet, he may confide it in me and I still act surprised hearing the news. He does the same. Also, we may share something one kid told us that isn’t a case of good news but just a share. So, I guess this is lying but I think of it as parental privilege to share in confidence between both parents.</p>

3

<p>Well, if this is what makes one a bad parent then I certainly fall into that category, as well. I think most of these are examples of what we have been taught are just good manners - “white” lies meant to avoid hurting feelings, that serve as social chitchat (nobody wants to know how your day REALLY is; this is usually just another form of saying hello). Just as with picking and choosing our battles with our kids, we also pick and choose when to express our true feelings on some topics.</p>

<p>Now, Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. Well, we as parents did not create these mythical beings–but still, they are symbols for the values and beliefs we do want to teach our kids and serve a very real purpose. Besides how many kids as adults resent their folks for not telling them there was no such thing as a Santa Claus? Or then turn around and tell their own kids? We are all equally guilty players in that little conspiracy.</p>

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<p>well I lie more by omission.
I don’t think our kids need to be our therapists ( or our spouse for that matter)
I also am a believer in focusing on problems, makes them more important and focusing on choices keeps perspective.</p>

<p>For instance my D rarely wants to spend social time with me & if we did do something, that I really wasn’t so interested in, I would focus on the time spent with her, rather than the activity.
IF it was something that I really hated doing, then I would speak up, but otherwise I think it would be negative reinforcement to say I didn’t enjoy it.</p>

<p>THis isn’t do say I don’t B<em>I</em>T<em>C</em>H<em>- I do and I am very good at it too.
But if I need to gripe about something- I will try and tell my H for example that I just need to B</em>***, I don’t expect him to fix it, I am not blaming him, but I need to vent.
If someone asks me how my day went- it really depends on who they are , what I tell them! :D</p>

<p>My D asks me quite often how things went, I try and give a specific detail, rather than an over all opinion, but that frees me up to ask the same thing of her. It doesn’t really give me any info , if she just says * fine*, and I really want to know !</p>

<p>As far as the tooth fairy goes-my younger daughter has never really believed in Santa- she did believe in the tooth fairy and even though after it was obviously me, I kept it up because I think it was fun for both of us.</p>

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<p>The tooth fairy WAS fun, wasn’t it? Our kids wrote the Tooth Fairy a letter and the Tooth Fairy wrote a long one back each time. We all were game for it.</p>

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<p>I guess that technically the Santa/EasterBunny/Toothfairy situation is lying but I actually see it more as a pretend kind of fantasy that we as parents portray for our kids to celebrate a tradition in society. The fact that not one of my 4 Ds believed after the age of about 6 or 7 may have something to do with my feeling in that regard. LTS, I’m fairly sure that your D also knows that they are all pretend. :)</p>

<p>I never respond to “how was your day?” with “very nice” unless, of course, it was very nice, when speaking to my kids. When they ask, they truly want to know how my day was, so why would I lie? Same when I ask them, they tell me! Responding to your kids’ asking this is not the same as making social chitchat with the cashier at the grocery store, who may or may not truly care how your day was. Only one of my 4 is still at home, and I speak to each of the others several times a week, and am always very open with them, as they are with me. We have good relationships, as a result.</p>

<p>If one of them asks for my opinion about a friend, coach, etc., sorry but still honest here. I don’t see the point in not giving an honest opinion. I’m curious, LTS, why you feel that need. Wouldn’t your D want your honest opinion? My kids may not always like the answer I give them, but they know they’ll be getting an honest answer.</p>

<p>All of us have, on occasion, gone to see a movie we aren’t particularly interested in, and it works both ways, but we don’t try to hide it. In fact, in a few cases, I can recall being pleasantly surprised by the movie that I had no interest in seeing! :)</p>

<p>There have been times when I’ve made the decision not to tell one, or more, of my Ds something that I knew might upset them, etc., but if they’d asked, I would have been honest and told them after all. Honesty with your kids is, in my opinion, important in establishing trust which is the foundation of all relationships.</p>

<p>Susan, we did the same thing with Toothfairy letters. I still have them!</p>

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<p>At our house when I was growing up, the deal was that Santa would come as long as we believed in him. Needless to say, Santa continued to come every year. It’s the same rule now with our kids :)</p>

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<p>The most infamous parental lie in our family folklore is the one my H told to our 7 year old dd the day her pet rabbit died.</p>

<p>This cute black bunny had seemed sick for a couple of days, and our worried dd was playing nurse and being vigilant about his care. One morning before school she had been petting him, then ran upstairs to get dressed. Seconds later, the bunny keeled over in the cage- dead, confirmed by my H while I gave breakfast to our 4 yo ds.</p>

<p>We hear our dd running downstairs, and to my surprise, my H propped the bunny up in a more “live” position. DD hears the schoolbus, takes a loving glance at bunny from the door, then looks at H and asks, “Daddy, will bunny be OK?”</p>

<p>As H looks back lovingly at her, I hear him say…“Yes, sweetheart, he will be OK!”</p>

<p>OMG I’m thinking, he panicked- and sure enough the look on his face as he turned to me while she left was one of…horror, and panic, and ‘I goofed but she couldn’t go to school if she knew bunny had died’ ! </p>

<p>Now we were in damage control mode, because my 4 yo was in his chair the whole time witnessing this. Not wanting to repeat my H’s transgression, I said to ds, “son, we will have to tell your sister later and she will be very sad, but bunny just went to heaven, he’s gone.”</p>

<p>Ds looked at me with what we now know is his characteristic one-liner style and said, “No he didn’t, he’s over there dead in the cage.” </p>

<p>Out of the mouths of babes.</p>

<p>I’d love to say my H has never lied to one of his children again, but I can’t. We all do it. I think sometimes, we have to.</p>

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<p>I would say that I prefer to put an optimistic slant on things. I don’t think kids need to be burdened with all our worries, but we wouldn’t really lie about anything important. I have a little health issue, and when my younger son asks how I’m doing I usually just say that I’m having a good day, whether or not it’s true. Why have him worry? </p>

<p>We do have a story like the bunny one above. In grade school, both kids had newts (salamanders) as pets. When the first one died, I just bought a replacement, which they noticed, of course! I just said it grew a lot overnight, but I’m sure S1 didn’t believe me. The next time one died, I flushed it down the toilet – it was winter in Minnesota, so there weren’t too many options regarding buriel. Well, that really upset the kid. I had to go through the whole story of how mammals are buried in the ground because that’s where they live, and anything that lives in water has to go back to the ocean. He didn’t really fall for it, and remembers it to this day!</p>

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<p>AlwaysAMom, I pretty much do like you do. I am really open and if my kids asked about my day, I’d tell them. I suppose if there was something very inappropriate for them to know, maybe I wouldn’t but overall, I do not sugarcoat. I’m honest on the opinions and so forth as you described.</p>

<p>As I said, the one thing where I tell a white lie is that I do share about the kids with my spouse and vice versa even if I don’t admit I have done so.</p>

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<p>Alwaysamom, I have limited time, and tend to make very snap decisions and black and white judgments about people and things. My daughter on the other hand views people very differently, and, trust me when I tell you that a number of very positive, rewarding, long term relationships would never have gotten very far had I voiced my early first impressions. I also do not believe in spreading negativity around. If I have a brutal day, and we are sitting down to dinner, I’m not about to poison our nice dinner with a whining diatribe about my brutal day - I’d rather spend the dinner in nice discussions about whatever goofy things she’s been up to. Why revisit negative events, when time is so precious and can be used to discuss happier topics? I’m especially cautious if she’s buried in work - tests, midterms, etc. I don’t want her focus taken off of her work.</p>

<p>Her head coach for example is a brutal woman - I cannot stand the woman, personally, and my daughter has had quite some time establishing a relationship. But it’s worked out very, very well - somehow, these two persons who could not possibly be more different in every single area of life now - at the end of five years - have a very close, mutually supportive relationship, and my daughter has a coaching position out of it, got scholarship money out of it, plus a new job offer for next year, plus stellar references. Had I voiced my negative opinion of the coach it would have inappropriately influenced how my daughter developed the relationship. Of course, if the woman were doing anything at all even slightly unethical, illegal, etc. I would get very vocal and assertive - but it’s nothing like that, I just don’t like the woman’s leadership style, politics, career direction, coaching strategy, physical appearance; I cannot stand how she speaks to me and other parents, and I also cannot stand to watch her eat. (Oh and I hate her hairstyle too, what CAN she be thinking?) She has been VERY good to my daughter, though as a result of efforts on both sides of the relationship. That could not have happened if I had inappropriately influenced things with negative, judgmental, unhelpful comments. </p>

<p>We do of course have our "what do you think of this bizarre situation - is it just me or is this just nutz?’ conversations, but, I don’t go down that road at all if she is terribly busy. </p>

<p>Galwaymom that is a very cute story…</p>

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<p>LTS,
Pick one:
A: whining diatribe
B: ‘I had a horrible day and I’m glad to be home’
C: Wonderful or very productive with conflicting body language/facial expression.</p>

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<p>D: Very productive day with body language and facial expressions expressing same, because it’s wonderful to be home, having dinner, and in the company of someone absolutely delightful…</p>

<p>Besides, even the very worst days are valuable and productive, if you think about it…</p>

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<p>Galwaymom’s post reminds me of a story someone told me years ago - it HAS to be fictional, surely no one would really do this - anyway, two women were neighbors with fences in between and all around; one kept a pet bunny in a cage on her back porch; the other owned a german shepherd.</p>

<p>One day, the owner of the german shepherd arrived home from work and discovered a hole dug under the dividing fence, and her neighbor’s pet bunny was bloody and still, laying in her yard. The german shepherd was walking around with a very satisfied look on his face…</p>

<p>The woman quickly concluded that her dog dug under the fence, got to her neighbor’s bunny and killed it. She was horrified, and decided she couldn’t allow her neighbor to come home and discover that her beloved pet died in such a way, so, she took the dead bunny into her house, washed it off thoroughly, used lots of shampoo to get its fur clean, and then used the blowdryer to dry it off. Then, she snuck into her neighbor’s yard, crept up the stairs to the back porch, and positioned the bunny at its food dish, in its cage. </p>

<p>She reasoned this way, the neighbor would think her pet died of natural causes rather than by vicious attack, so perhaps the loss would not be as painful. Oh and of course she would also avoid blame, or perhaps getting into trouble for her dog being out of control. So she finished posing the bunny, closed the cage door, snuck back to her own back yard, fixed the fence and the torn lawn where her dog dug the hole, and went back into her house and to bed. </p>

<p>The next morning, she was leaving for work, and noticed SIX police cars outside her neighbors home, plus some sort of crime squad van, and even a few news reporters. Stunned, thinking something terrible happened (robbery? murder?) she rushed over, and started asking anyone within reach “what happened”?</p>

<p>Finally one of the policemen on the scene answered" “Really, really sick. Some wacko - guy must be a sociopath”. </p>

<p>Horrified, the neighbor said “what do you mean - what happened?”</p>

<p>The policeman said “well, this poor woman, she owned a pet bunny. It died earlier this week, day before yesterday actually, so she buried it in her back yard, right back there under the tree. Had a small stone gravemarker for it and everything. And then some sick sociopath waited a day or two, then, went into her yard and dug it up, washed it off, used nice shampoo and everything, and then dried it off and put it back in its cage”…</p>

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<p>loved Santa. other than that stuff am far more honest than is ever needed OR wanted.
We gloss over much of 1968-78, unless cornered with an odd question.
my dd1 and 2 friends came out of the movie Banger Sisters behind 3 local moms-of-friends. One said I related to that. next one says " Badword A!"
dd then tells me - mom, we covered our ears and ran away before they said anything else.</p>

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<p>I think you’re referring to my comment :)</p>

<p>Those are white lies other than the easter bunny and santa clause, but lying to an infant is a lot different because they have much different needs and expectations than an adolescent. Your lies are akin to men lying about questions women ask like “does this dress make me look fat”. They’re benign. The type of lies that motivated my confidence were ones that actually strain relationships. Sure I dont trust my mom to give me an honest answer about how I look, how well I interact socially, etc, but it doesnt strain our relationship because I know she just wants to be nice.</p>

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<p>latetoschool- I’ve heard a version of that bunny story before- love it!</p>

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<p>I can’t remember ever intentionally lying to the kids. We didn’t do Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny as a true thing; they always knew it was just for fun. Same with the Tooth Fairy. We had fun with it, but they knew the truth. In fact, the only presents they ever got from “Santa” were at their grandparents’ house, because the in-laws thought we were terrible for not teaching them to believe in Santa. (We always found our Christmas faith to be much more satisfying than Santa, so never felt the need. And one son told us when he was older that he would have felt we were lying had we told him Santa was real. So what we did worked well for the kids we have.)</p>

<p>We are honest about finances. And if I am having a bad day, I just warn them to be careful, because I’m a bit grouchy. I don’t go into details about any bad things that happen to me, but don’t hide things either. I just have always felt that “honesty is the best policy.”</p>

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<p>Okay I will fess up</p>

<p>My Husbands “job” when the girls were little was to do the movies…you know, my little pony, disney…well, if there was a particularily bad one, like the Barbie movie, and they had seen all the ads, we would tell them the movie was over, left town…that worked until they were reading…</p>

<p>I would say in all honesty, funny phrase in this converation, we may fib to daddy, or not tell him everything that happened, things he can’t fix, or control or whatever</p>

<p>We did the Santa thing, they figured it out, the tooth fairy, we were bad at it, and once my D wrote a paper for school about Jesus being the Easter Bunny or something, so guess that one was blown as well</p>

<p>The Santa thing was like a little conspiracy, the older liked going along with it to keep little sis believing, while little sis had already guessed but went along for us…</p>

<p>As for big iles, not so much, maybe not sharing all the details or glossing over them…</p>

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<p>

My daughter could read just about anything by the time she was 4… there was no way I could avoid the truth about anything that was in print.</p>

<p>And that also lead to a lot of questions that I didn’t really feel like answering…</p>