<p>I was listening to a few songs tonight and came upon “Dance with My Father Again.” <a href=“- YouTube”>- YouTube. Made me think again about our legacies.</p>
<p>I am fortunate to have friends who have had enormous impact. Prevented a civil war, responsible for major breakthroughs in fields like genomics and economics, wrote books that are read everywhere (some in grad schools and some truly everywhere). One helped write the constitution of a country. I’ve had mentors who have invented new fields, created the ideas that prevented nuclear war. I often feel I pale in comparison, and yet I have written a couple of influential books and am a sought-after advisor. As I mentioned in my earlier post, someone came up to me a few years ago and told me that a book I wrote in 2006 shaped a whole set of institutions in his country (I’ve never been to the country). I did, at the suggestion of a friend, help end a civil war in another country. And people read my work and follow my advice. But, I’m not such a good self-promoter and do more of it in the background. On a personal level, I spoke to someone a couple of years ago that years ago, I gave advice to his close friend and it really changed his friend’s life for the better. I couldn’t remember the person I’d helped. So who knows.</p>
<p>As I mentioned in an earlier post, my wife is extraordinarily generous and gifted socially. Everywhere she goes, people love her. So, in some ways she leads a big life. But because her touch is in person and thus in the places she’s lived (and visited), her life is in some ways a smaller than mine.</p>
<p>For me this question is fitting on a college board. My large circle of friends around the world came from attending a college that values diversity. So yes, I have lots of friends to visit around the globe. But I think in the end we all have small circles when it comes to those truly important to us.</p>
<p>I married a guy back in college who has led me all over the map for his work. It has meant that I have had a tenuous connection to most relatives but it has also meant that our nuclear family is very close, and we’ve made friends in a lot of different places. I’m not always good about it but I’ve worked pretty hard to stay in touch over the years.</p>
<p>In terms of career, mine has been secondary to my spouses so I have never really built up the sort of reputation I would have liked but I would not choose differently. </p>
<p>To be honest, the notion of a huge funeral is not very appealing to me. I’m fairly private, would not really want a big crowd at mine. Just close family would be more “me.”</p>
<p>what I love about Shaw is that he has an extraordianary life and career, but is so kind to everyone. He is always so helpful with advice.
sometimes I feel bad that my career hasnt advanced as much as I would like, but I provided an income (nurse) that helped to educate my children, while having a good family life, and I think I have made a difference at the bedside. something I am told has made a difference.
I think that most people on CC have great kids, no small feat.</p>
<p>I also know from being profoundly ill , the small things matter so much. The kind word, the small gift or card. the hug. This is how we make an impact too.</p>
<p>Few live as “large” a life as did sunriseeast, touching scores of people whom she had never even met. Thought this would be an appropriate time to revive this discussion. Thanks to missypie for posing the original question.</p>
<p>How “large” or “small” a life one lives is relative. It’s hard to KNOW how many/few lives we touch when we enter public health and/or fields where we interact a great deal with the public. I have held many public positions over my lifetime, so in some ways I do feel I have lived a “large” life, especially in providing support and information to thousands of people over the years.</p>
<p>In other ways, I feel I have lived a somewhat more private life, as my family and close friends are the center of my world. The personal close family and friends number a few dozen.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’ve lived a very “large” life. But I think the “small” life I have lived is centered around a very small number of people whom I have loved very, very much. Every now and then, though, someone tells me how something I told them was meaningful to them, and it surprises me. Like the guy I flew with who said that he thought that God had arranged for us to fly together (I gave him advice about his marriage). But he recently died in a private plane crash, which is so awful. And my dear in-laws, who told us that they started dieting and exercising like crazy after they visited us. They look great! But I don’t know what lasts, and I don’t know what stupid things I’ve said that have messed up people’s lives. Oh well.</p>
<p>I don’t want a funeral or a memorial service. Maybe just a small party where my family serves good wine and tasty food, and everyone is happy. No sadness or depressing memories. Only good thoughts for my family and friends.</p>
<p>My husbands family does funerals, mine doesn’t. My father once said, ‘if they don’t want to visit when I’m alive, I sure as hell don’t want them to visit when I’m dead!’</p>
<p>Hahaha, Chuckle! Yeah, DH’s family does them too - in fact, just had to do one for MIL a couple weeks ago. He has a lot of siblings and I told him I will not be going to any more (his father died before we met)</p>
<p>The funerals we have attended have been actually very upbeat, providing happy memories of the deceased and having a nice way for the survivors to reconnect. There is also a reception afterwards with a nice meal for reminiscing. Honestly, it is generally a pleasant experience most of the time, UNLESS the deceased was VERY young and had a very untimely death. In such cases, the services tend to be extremely sad. Even then, it is good for the loved ones to get together to provide support for the family of the deceased. Many of these gatherings in HI are quite large, including co-workers of the deceased or co-workers of family members of the deceased.</p>
<p>Memorials are for the living, to help them carry on after the death of their loved one.</p>
<p>^^I think a lot depends on the family, HImom. My husband’s family all have funerals, and they’re all buried in the family plot. I went to my FIL’s funeral last March, the first funeral I have gone to, ever. It wasn’t near as awful as I thought, though I really hated the open casket thing, and everyone was mad at the priest because he didn’t know the FIL, didn’t get any information about him, and wasn’t able to say much. Much better than I thought it would be, but I really don’t like the grief aspect, so sad.</p>
<p>My side of the family does not do funerals. At all, which is why I’d never gone to one. They just to like to pretend that death does not exist and think happy thoughts about the deceased. I like that direction myself, I would prefer my loved ones carry on with just happy thoughts about times they’ve spent with me (and forget the bad times).</p>
<p>Yes, of course, there is a great deal of variabililty and there is sadness in losing a loved one. I feel very fortunate that many of the memorials I have attended have been fairly pleasant reminisces of the deceased and a way for the survivors to get support and healing as they move on in their lives. My sister says that her H’s family doesn’t have ANY services for people who pass away, including her FIL’s significant other that he lived with for many years before she died of cancer a few years ago. </p>
<p>Open casket services are not uncommon in HI. It’s of course the preference of the surviving family of the deceased.</p>
<p>Irish (former Catholic) here so there have been a lot of open casket viewings. About twenty years ago my brother and i headed to Philadelphia for the viewing of a paternal aunt. We were running late, so we headed into the funeral home knelt down at the casket, made a quick sign of the cross and looked down at at some nice man in repose.</p>
<p>My brother whispered, “That’s not Kit.” As we both tried desperately not to laugh uncontrollably. </p>
<p>We waited a few moments, made another quick sign of the cross and left in as dignified fashion as possible.</p>