<p>Sometimes advances in science occur in several places around the globe more or less at the same time. Technological advances make it possible for more advances to be made, once someone makes crucial connections. So in that sense the discovery of the polio vaccine, for instance, was “inevitable.”</p>
<p>But to say the Holocaust would have happened because if not Hitler, then someone else??? I don’t buy that at all.</p>
<p>What you are saying is that what we do doesn’t matter…and that we might as well be evil or good, because if not us, then someone else will do these things.</p>
<p>No, what I am saying is that each life should be thought of significant. And lives of killer beasts, terrorists and so forths should not be considered as one of a human beings. that is where I draw the line. If nobody is there at my funeral, I do not care laying cold in a box and feeling nothing. But this is my opinion, everybody has thier own, I believe we just share opinions here, we are not trying to change them. So everybody is right in their own way.</p>
<p>I bumped this thread once before, a couple of years ago, thought of it again now, partly because of a series of untimely deaths among middle-aged friends. I found most of these comments endlessly interesting. I’m curious as to whether all of you have held on to enduring friendships from your teen or young adult lives, and whether the friends you thought would be “keepers” actually were. If anyone answers, please throw in - just for context - whether you think your network of meaningful connections with people is large or small, and which way you prefer it.</p>
<p>I am not sure if many of the people I reach out to and help will be able to attend my funeral, as many of them have died and are in more precarious health than I am. I have been told by their survivors and caregivers that we HAVE made a difference in their lives, for which I am profoundly grateful.</p>
<p>In Hawaii, funerals are rather large gatherings. Often co-workers of the survivors will attend, as well as relatives of the survivors. My SIL died in SF & we will have services in SF & in HI. We expect her service to be much larger in SF, since she lived about 50+ years there & she touched many lives as a dentist. She also has relatives in HI, so we expect my relatives & H’s relatives as well as possibly some of H’s co-workers may attend. Possibly some of our mutual friends may also attend.</p>
<p>I don’t think she particularly intended to “live large,” just by nature of a dental practice for decades, you get to know a large # of clientele.</p>
<p>When I pass away, it will depend on what I am doing at the time. If I am still doing my public health work, it’s tough to say who will show up or not. I know I have touched a lot of lives in any case and have no regrets. When H dies, I know my family will show up as well as some of his co-workers (he was there for over 40 years) and some of our mutual relatives. Other than that, hard to say.</p>
<p>I have 290 Facebook friends, which amazes me. I have always considered myself to be rather shy and private, but I seem to have changed as I age. These FB friends are people I really KNOW and care about…some from HS and college days that I have reconnected with recently, most local. Plus I have many more friends in various circles that I inhabit, people who either aren’t on FB or whom I do not care to interact with in that way. (I do draw the line, sometimes!)</p>
<p>So…I think I am living larger than I used to. </p>
<p>And…I’ve gotten in the habit of checking the obits every morning. More often than I’d like, I know someone in this city who has passed away. Either I knew them or I know their children/grandchildren.</p>
<p>HiMom–What’s sad sometimes is when a person lives to an advanced age and everyone else they knew has passed on. Sometimes even their own children.</p>
<p>I have two friends from middle school who continue to be friends to this day and our kids are friends with their kids. Other friends I met shortly after college & have kept close to. We have not stayed in as close contact with H’s friends.</p>
<p>I hope loved ones who love the survivors will show up and support the survivors. That’s why I attend funerals–the the survivors. The deceased is beyond caring. H wants to have a service for his sister in our town and his brother wants to have one in SF, so that’s what we’re doing.</p>
<p>When people die younger, it seems that more people attend services. As people age, their sphere of influence generally shrinks somewhat (but all rules are meant to be broken, including this one).</p>
<p>Yes, it’s always hard to go to services for a young person–our neighbor died of cancer as a young teen. It was heart-breaking for everyone.</p>
<p>Lisa58, thanks for bumping this. I missed it the first two times around. I haven’t read the entire thing, so excuse me if my points have already been made.</p>
<p>The size of the funeral is often directly related to the age of the deceased, and how unexpected his death was. We’re shocked and devastated when a teen dies in an accident or a young mother dies. The grief is intense and we all “need” the funeral for our own grief, to show support for the family, to come together as human beings. </p>
<p>On the other hand, when my mother died a few years ago, she was the last (wo)man standing among her family and friends. Had she died an early death, it would have been standing room only in the streets near the funeral home. But she lived into her nineties. She outlived my father, her entire family, and of those left on my father’s side, those who were still alive were in no shape to travel to the funeral. She outlived almost all of her friends. Her children and grand children traveled a long distance to be there when she died, but most of our childhood friends who had adored her had moved away from our small hometown. So it was a small group of us who gathered to say good by when the time came. She had lived a long, happy life, and was fully herself to the end. So it wasn’t a day of grief for us, but a day of funny stories and remembering. </p>
<p>And, though I’m not a traditionally religious person, I’m pretty positive that there was one h*** of a welcome party in heaven that evening… Which I’m sure she thoroughly enjoyed.</p>
<p>So, I’d prefer the long happy life with only my kids and (future) grandchildren left to attend my funeral but a grand “Welcome Eastcoas!” party on the other end.</p>
<p>Just read the last couple of comments. I now have three facebook friends who have passed away. Are we hitting a weird time of virtual everlasting life? Their families have kept their accounts active, and we all continue to post on their birthdays and anniversaries. Old photos of them continue to be posted and tagged.</p>
<p>None of my facebook friends have died to the best of my knowledge. If & when they do, don’t plan to keep posting on their birthdays or anniversaries. The email accounts of folks we know who die send a notice to the forum where the person was active, sometimes providing info if folks want to send a note to the family or attend the service. Shortly thereafter, they stop posting.</p>
<p>OP here. There are myriad reasons why a funeral might be sparsely attended - location, timing, age of the deceased, etc.</p>
<p>While I agree that the responses over the years have been interesting, the object of the thread was not specifically to talk about how many people would attend your funeral, but the number of people you know and your scope of influence:</p>
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<p>Edited to add: I just went back and read some of the early posts. I was certainly a more eloquent writer in 2009 than I am now.</p>
<p>In ways, I feel I have been forced into a “larger life” than I ever intended because of my health and circumstances. It has been very interesting, navigating personal time with the very public stage that the non-profit occupies. It’s hard sometimes to say whom is touched and what changes may ripple from things which we have had a hand in setting in motion. The journey has been fascinating.</p>
<p>Thank you to for the original post, and for bumping it. I too live a small life, in some ways by choice and in some ways…well, I have never quite understood. This thread made me feel as though I am in good company…maybe the ‘larger than life’ life isn’t really what everyone else has afterall.
I have been reflecting quite a bit on similar themes lately…</p>
<p>I have a small life and try to make a difference within that life. I have had cancer and have had these thoughts too. I try to make a differnce in what I can do. No one will really rember me when I am gone, thats ok.</p>
<p>I came across this thread right after I finished reading the comments online for the obituary of the husband of a woman I know from my sub-teaching days. Her H died of kidney cancer yesterday, and the comments are telling … I did not know the man, but I sure wish I did. He was an auto executive, but it was not his career success (and he was successful) that people mentioned. What they mentioned was his mentorship … not just formal mentorship, but his willingness to give advice and guidance on an informal basis. I was blown away by the heartfelt comments from coworkers, especially from those who worked FOR him. I only hope that at the end of my life, people remember me for the good things I did, they way they remember this man. His life was much larger than I think he probably knew.</p>
<p>Some of the people who have played pivotal roles in my life and that of our kids live far away from us but have always been available for encouragement and support as needed. </p>
<p>One of the most amazing humans I have ever met is one of the most intelligent and compassionate. He has hired three secretaries that others were getting rid of because he felt they could do good work and suit his needs and he made each of them feel valued and appreciated. He travels all over the world on speaking and other engagements but still has time to respond to emails from patients and colleagues, run two labs and be chair of medicine at one of the most respected hospitals in the world. He is always kind, compassionate and knowledgeable and quick to acknowledge limitations of science and medicine. He has helped save my life and allowed me to move forward into this new career. Everyone that speaks of him considers him a marvel. He is one of my heroes; I feel very privileged to know him and hope he continues to thrive and practice for many, many more years.</p>
<p>If I had to sit down and think of 15 people who made some type of profound impact on my life, I wonder how many of them would have ever known it. Most would not, especially those from my youth, because I myself may not have realized their influence on me until much later.</p>
<p>One of my favorite quotes (attributed to Garrison Keillor) is “Nothing you do for a child is ever, ever wasted.” I believe this.</p>
<p>So, just because you don’t have a crowd at your funeral doesn’t mean you didn’t make a big difference.</p>
<p>In many ways i make my life smaller because I have a hard time with the way people and social things work. But I am stubborn enough to just want to be me. for example, I have always wondered why I didnt have more friends at work. I realized the other day, that it is largely my choice. That while i can talk to people Ihate superficial conversation and I notice the people who are friends with each other talk about each other in not a good way. It is too high a price for me so i always stay on the periphery. But I have been thinking about how I can make a difference in my immediate community and this thread spurs me on to keep thinking about it.</p>
<p>To that GK quote I would add, “no act of kindness is ever wasted.” Many of the people who have changed my life have blurred–the names are more difficult to recall but I remember the situation(s) and how each of them touched and changed my life. Not sure if it was a significant event for them–it likely wasn’t.</p>
<p>Yea, I am uncomfortable being around people who talk about others unkindly and would not want to develop deep friendships with such people either. Many of the community service people and volunteers I meet are not into gossipping (personally, I have never been a fan).</p>
