<p>This thread could probably go hand in hand with the empty nest thread…a lot of us are at or nearing the same place. As long as you have kids at home, you can tell yourself that by raising them “right” you are making the world a better place. Then what?</p>
<p>I do think that a few people I’ve known (mostly men) who have had large lives would admit that they neglected their families while on the path to achieving greatness, serving others, etc. If given the gift of years, some of them turn into terrific grandfathers although they were not terrific fathers. Billy Graham really regrets leaving the raising of his kids almost entirely to his wife…depending on your religion, you might see him as one of the best guys ever, with a huge scope of influence, but he regrets not being there for his kids.</p>
<p>You are probably right about the empty nest - but I think it might be deeper than that. I think it has to do with facing our own mortality and wondering just what our lives have meant. Personally, while my nest has been empty now for a couple of years, I think the death of some very close friends has led me to greater introspection about the kind of person I have been. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, while my nest may no longer contain little ones, I have become the “go-to” person for five senior citizens. Maybe what I do for them will never appear in an obituary, but when I see their gratitude when I accompany them on a doctor’s visit I know how much it means to them. </p>
<p>But I appreciate the thread - large life or small? How do you really judge?</p>
<p>In some ways, I think Victor Frankl’s work really addressed this–Man’s Search for Meaning. Interestingly, the new positive psychology field and all the new research really indicates that the most important element for a “happy” life is a meaningful life.</p>
<p>I find missypie’s connection between the empty nest and the big-life::small life question interesting. My grandmother did an incredible amount of good after her children were off. She always said she’d had a whole entire life after her kid’s left, and she really did…she went to law school and became a public defender and ended up working with women who couldn’t afford attorney’s for a large portion of the time she was practicing.</p>
<p>Of course, that’s not a luxury everyone has. But, she used to say that if she’d died before her kids left home, she would have had a very different obituary. </p>
<p>It’s never too late to have yet another big life on top of the one’s we’ve all already had.</p>
<p>Through the years my parents have sort of adopted some of the older/less mobile church members - they bring them to church, etc. One of their male “charges” developed a romantic relationship at a very advanced age, got viagra, and then had a fatal heart attack! I guess life never stops being interesting!</p>
<p>If, upon introspection, you feel you could do “more” with your life–whether in a public way or privately–it’s never too late to reinvent yourself.</p>
<p>I don’t understand these people who are in good health and want for nothing…but complain of being bored. If I didn’t have music to occupy my life I am sure I would find something to volunteer for. </p>
<p>I am not the type to chair the donor committee, but I would have fun working with other people for some good cause.</p>
<p>Ahh…interesting topic missypie! I have been trying to decide what I want to do now that we have an empty nest. Reading these posts have made me realize I need to make some decisions…and soon!</p>
<p>I guess I have lead a small life. Was very active in the community before kids then active with my kids. Now…who knows what direction I’ll go!</p>
<p>No! that is a very, very big life NorthMinnesota. At the risk of calling our children pebbles, the ripple effect of raising children and being involved in the community with other people’s children is massive. </p>
<p>But, how exciting for all of us that we get yet another one!</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about this, too. My sister-in-law just died and had a big funeral, packed, standing-room-only service, and her visitation had a long line waiting, stretching down the block in the rain. She was a stay-at-home mom in a tight-knit town, with a big family. She really was wonderful, too. The last week of her life, emaciated, in pain, she still made cupcakes for her daughters soccer team. Unbelievable. And she really was just like that, helpful, generous, funny; an angel really.</p>
<p>My brother and she had lived in the same area their whole adult lives, though. When I compare (which I shouldn’t, but who can help it) my social networks get shredded each time I move. I keep a few friends from each place, but I know I’m not building that rich community my SIL had. But I like moving! I like that I’ve lived all over and in foreign countries. Probably I actually have met many more people (and I hope that we touched each other), but not that many are going to travel thousands of miles to my funeral. They might not even hear about it when I die!</p>
<p>I am nominating all of us who have lived in many places for well-attended virtual funerals. Imagine if we could have all shared our stories of LTS and how she touched us with her DD?!</p>
<p>Another small life here. DH and I have been discussing this too. Nest emptied in August and we are wondering what is the purpose of our lives now? Most people around us in our age bracket are involved in community service but some of it is more for social prestige than anything else. Some of these “community service” groups cost a fortune to belong. We have had our own business for 10 years and have been completely consumed with that. Now that things are finally slowing down in the business, the kids are gone. I have more time than money right now
I do however have a small but loud group of girlfriends. No doubt they would attend my funeral and make up for their size in noise!</p>
<p>Thanks Missypie for bringing up this subject. This is something that I’ve been struggling with for awhile. My feelings seem to get validated when I see our shrinking Christmas card list (both sent & received). DH thinks I’m crazy when I talk about feeling small and insignificant. I have also predicted a funeral in the closet for me. My elderly parents and my siblings still live in the area we all grew up in and have very deep social networks. As for us…we’ve lived 20 years in an area that I never considered very friendly. We’re still viewed as outsiders. When the kids were around, we were very involved in their activities and were friends with the parents. Guess the friendships weren’t that deep because we’ve all drifted apart. I work part-time which at least gets me out and about. There are a several people there that I occasionally socialize with. All in all, its a very lonely and empty feeling.</p>
<p>What have we learned from this thread? Something I am always telling my sibling who is extremely lonely due to many issues in her life. Other people out there feel lonely too! My book group recently decided to add a few new people. I was stunned to realize and kept commenting to DH: “there are a lot of lonely people out there who are desperate for friends.”
I’ve been working on realizing that other people want to be reached out to…adding to my small but noisy funeral crowd!</p>
<p>The first thing that comes to mind for me is that I have lived a small life. But I do know a lot of people so maybe not? A few random thoughts on this: I met so many people when my kids were younger and I was volunteering a lot but we never seemed to see each other much outside of the volunteering context. I have actually gotten together socially with these women more in the last few months as many of us have had kids leave for college. And it’s been great. Maybe its like ebeeeee says about people looking for friendship. Last week I attended an event for 8th grader’s band and looking around the room and seeing so many other parents of 8th graders and high schoolers that I knew it occurred to me that if he gets into the magnet high school next year, I won’t see most of those people.I have hardly ever admitted this to anyone, but for years I had a recurring bad dream that I went back to my college sorority and no one remembered me and I was devastated.</p>
<p>All of this musing…you really have me thinking. And big life or small, I still don’t know.</p>
<p>Missy, I have been to a couple of those type of funerals, where someone died young, suddenly, and the place was packed. In some small part, I think that people need to come together when it is so sudden and so shocking. By the same token, if I myself went suddenly, I doubt there would be so many people there. How would I know anyway? Isn’t it best to appreciate people when they are alive. But yes, there are those prominent souls or those that were extremely friendly, that will have hundreds or more show up.</p>
<p>I have to say that when my mom passed on, we had only a handful come. She was elderly and had outlived her husband and most other friends and relatives. She had moved away from where my Dad was buried, and we had to bring her back, so even her friends from her last place of residence could not come. Actually my mom had touched so many people over such a long life, but by the time she died, most that were left were scattered all over. I really did not think it much mattered. Without being morbid, I knew she cared very much about being buried next to my Dad, and other than that, it was up to me and my siblings as to the arrangements.</p>
<p>I would rather go out old without a big funeral than young with a big crowd.</p>
<p>We don’t have that many friends that we socialize with, but I feel so busy with work and my family that I just feel like it is not a good time for more. We really are in the sandwich generation with a set of elderly parents, a hs D, and a grown daughter (my step D) who has a husband and a baby. Everyone needs so much, and we are working hard as well.</p>
<p>Interesting topic, missypie! Thought provoking. </p>
<p>One part of it, though, I think, is that naturally gregarious people choose professions (e.g. choral director) that involve them with people a lot – they get to know tons of people and (likely) thrive on (& are energized) by the social aspect of their professions & lives.</p>
<p>Other people are by nature more solitary. They thrive (& are engergized) by alone time, or time spent with just a few other people. That doesn’t mean they don’t care (my quiet friends are sometimes the most thoughtful). If you want to quantify it by #s at a funeral, then the more gregarious people might seem to have ‘better’ or ‘bigger’ lives. But, I think bigger is not always better. I always remind myself – we all can’t be the life of the party— no one would be the one to listen and laugh at others jokes some of the time. </p>
<p>My girlfriend is a high-end hair stylist. She connects (happily) with hundreds of people each month (she is super social & high energy). I know I would not want that kind of life. I’m just happier writing/analyzing a few hours a day, and it’s on my own (although I like people!). I’d like to think my clients whom I’ve helped in (sometimes) life-changing ways appreciated the effort. Even if not – everyone’s different.</p>
<p>I don’t think numbers at a funeral tell the whole story. Although, it’s definitely something worth thinking about!</p>
<p>And…ADad—so impressed by your service at the youth shelter & hotline — I’m sure you’ve helped so many, in huge ways.</p>
