<p>Well, almost everyone here, myself included, thinks they live a small life. But let me share something that happened to me last week that gave me pause. I run the parent organization at my son’s school. Last week, at a meeting, a parent gave me a small gift – I was surprised and touched. I wrote her a thank you note and she responded about how much she appreciates what I do and how she tells everyone about me, etc. I have to say, it felt really nice, mostly because it was so unexpected. But, my point is, I had no idea. No idea that any of these parents gave me a second thought once they left a meeting or finished reading our newsletter. I hope they benefit from my efforts, but I had no idea they had any real feelings or would take the time to express them. And, of course, maybe she’s the only one (although, funnily enough, another parent who is a friend gave me a small gift that night because I helped her out with something – this has never, ever happened to me in this capacity, let alone twice in one night.) So who knows? Maybe we are all just doing what we do, because we are the kind of people who just do what we think needs to be done, and maybe people will take more notice than we think once we are gone. Mostly, I’d be willing to bet, that the only people we really care about, in terms of how we are remembered, are our children. If they think well of me when I’m gone, that’s more than enough for me. The rest is gravy.</p>
<p>mimk6:</p>
<p>Your note here in someways echos my thoughts as I read this thread- many of us touch others in ways that we don’t know - but why not? It’s because so often in today’s society no one takes the time to say thank you. </p>
<p>So my resolution is to say a meaningful thank you to at least one person a day for the month of November… Join me!!!</p>
<p>Scualum, I’m in on the November project. Great idea.</p>
<p>Scualum - great idea. It doesn’t cost a thing to let someone know that you appreciate them. What a way to lead into Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>Just did today’s gratitude. We have a new admin in the office who has been doing a great job - making all of our lives so much easier. I’ve been meaning to say something - so I picked up the phone and called her to say thank you. </p>
<p>I don’t want to take this thread down a tangent - shall we open a gratitude thread?</p>
<p>Nice idea. I’m in.</p>
<p>I used to be more gracious. Wrote letters to the grade 4 class, thanking them for organizing such an interesting Egypt museum. One to grade 2 about a lovely play they put on. To the elementary music teacher after the holiday concert, and I used to write thank you notes to all of the kids teachers at the end of the school year.</p>
<p>I’m embarrassed to say that I haven’t written that kind of a thank you note in several years. However, I do stick my head into the principal’s office every now and again to tell her that the GC is doing a great job, or how much we enjoyed one of the school celebrations. But I should be writing them…</p>
<p>This is a wonderful thread. It is something that I have thought about many times over the years. What is small? My dear young brother lived a small life, was not able to participate in sports, had a very small circle of friends. When he died at the age of 22 suddenly, My family was stunned at the number of people that attended his services. Hundreds of people we never met before. Aquaintances at his workplace that just met him, fellow classmates from NYU, So many young men that were apart of his fragternity from other chapters came an wanted to be pall bearers. The stories they recanted gave my parents such pride that a person who only was here on earth for such a short time meant so much to so many, that was 25 yrs ago.
On the other hand, my mother in law died 4 yrs ago and there were not even a handful of people at her funeral, mostly my family and my husband colleagues from work. The difference was she lived a small life but was pretty much antisocial and didn’t get involved in anything but her own things.
So really the question is, what is small?</p>
<p>Just want to say thank you to the OP. I posted early this morning (#25) and then spent most of the day thinking of my father who died over twenty years ago. As I was making dinner tonight I realized that today is All Souls Day. I am very happy to thought of my dad so much today and the way he touched our lives.</p>
<p>not a large life: no national honors, aspirations, career</p>
<p>but a good small life: active in my community, giving of my time as a community volunteer and doing appointed/elected Town positions</p>
<p>my funeral will be small because I can be an off-putting jerk; lots of aquaintances/few friends, but I am working hard to be a better human, so there’s still time to gain attendance :-)</p>
<p>the most important thing that will live on after me is my example for my kids that even when you’re flawed you can choose to be a better person, then work on it </p>
<p>there are other things I’ve done that I feel good about - getting the new middle school built; co-founding a small music school in Town - but those things are small compared to living a good loving example for my kids</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>Refreshing to hear others are leading “small” lives. My world has shrunk since son gone, we don’t belong to social clubs, including a church. One factor in funeral attendance- your spouse. A lot of people here would attend mine out of feelings for my H. Once we move there won’t be anyone around us to care. Skipped a young adult visitation, know parent a bit and knew there would be a lot of people there. I hate funerals.</p>
<p>Here is something I wrote a couple or three years ago (<– please notice that! Thanks!) that seems to fit a bit on this thread (pardon my self-indulgence):</p>
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<p>I often think about the effect that others have on me, and how impossible it is for me to know the effect I have on others. I’ve mused on this since high school, since a fellow student, someone I didn’t know well, wrote something in my yearbook about my impact on him. I had no idea, and have puzzled over this since. (I wrote something completely banal in his yearbook, I’m sure, for I knew his name but other than his being in my psych class senior year, he pretty much escaped my notice. How sad is that? For me, I mean, that I didn’t know him at all.)</p>
<p>You don’t know what you mean to people, what gestures you’ve made, comments you’ve made, have had an effect on others. None of us know; we can’t possibly. We can know some, I suppose, but I think the vast majority of our impact is mostly unknown to us.</p>
<p>Thanks so much, missypie. I think about this a lot, and now I know I’m not alone! Thank goodness. However, I would venture a guess that if I were to look at many of you, I would disagree with your assessments of yourselves since I don’t know more than one person with a smaller circle of relationships than mine. Some of that has been for the reasons cited by other posters. First, we’ve moved around. A good number of the folks I went to high school with still live in or very near the same town they grew up in. Their kids are now friends, and so the cycle continues! This is not how my life has been, and my neighborhood has been transitory. Second, none of my husband’s family live within 1000 miles of us, so we don’t see them or get invited to their family events. My extended family is out of state but “small” also. Some of that is less a size issue and more a connectedness thing stemming from the fact that my mom hated my dad’s side of the family so I never got a chance to become close to them.</p>
<p>My spouse is a loner who works from home, so he doesn’t help make any couple friends. I’m still a SAHM, whereas all those friends I made when my firstborn was in elementary school (eg. through soccer, Boy Scouts, etc.) have all gone back to work. We just don’t see each other anymore, though sometimes I’ll call them. They don’t call me. One reason I’m still at home is that my youngest child has special needs. She is still socially immature and socially different, and thus does not have many friends (maybe none), so I have not met a new cohort of parents through her life. What’s very painful too is that recently we’ve had to leave two churches when the preaching went south of good doctrine. It is next to impossible to maintain those friendships because of all the emotions involved when people part ways over religious differences. But we just had to leave the last church when the pastor embarked on an anti-intellectual stint and starting picking on the Ivies in particular, and higher education in general as destructive to faith. It just wasn’t good for my kids since S attends an Ivy, and D will next year. The last straw was when my youngest came home from Sunday School and was really worried about the spiritual condition of her brother since he was at college and “kids stop believing in God in college.” </p>
<p>Lately the small life feeling has been depressing me quite a bit. But you all make some good points about how the numbers can be deceiving. My sister passed away a few years ago, and it seems she was extremely well-loved by those around her. Lots of people came to the memorial service. But here’s the funny thing: my younger sister and I never felt like she knew us or cared about us. She’d be the kind of person to send a birthday card to her former hairdresser in her home town, but not to her own family. Also, after so many people told stories of how she had baked for them, my nephew got up and said, joking, “I want you all to know that while my mom was baking for all of you she wasn’t cooking for us.” That struck me as sad. My mom has some of the same tendencies. She will invite over random little girls to bake with her now and yet never baked with us or her grandchildren. You see, doing those things for strangers or non-family members brings more recognition and appreciation. Where’s the glory in doing nice things for your own family? Heck, you’re supposed to do that!</p>
<p>Put me in the “small life” category.</p>
<p>I think the American Way is to have the big funeral, and the tendency is to feel that something is wrong with you if you are not a big life person.</p>
<p>I’ve always wondered why I have so few friends. I came back to the United States for college after living in a third world country for all of high school, so maybe I don’t know how to fit in and pick up on the social cues necessary to join the social whirl.</p>
<p>But now I’ve concluded that I, at root, am not that social. Someone said recently that she is a “content” person when it comes to friendships, and I am the same way. I like to discuss issues (one reason I like CC!) and this is not everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to hanging out with friends.</p>
<p>Maybe it is similar to the difference of experience between those who have large families and those who have small ones. Both are happy in their own way, but the nature of the relationship to, and the experience of, your children is different if you have one or two or if you are the Duggars.</p>
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<p>^^ I would tend to agree w/this! And, not saying you shouldn’t do for others & the broader world (I noticed my daughter was becoming a little materialistic and self-centered, at age 8, and decided this week-end we both would do 1 thing each day for those less fortunate). But, when you think about it – who has the kind of influence such that the person you influence will be impacted by your values, comments, criticisms, attitude and support every day, for their entire lives? Parents do. I know my parents’ values are reflected in my actions every day.</p>
<p>I think it was Jackie O who said (quoting Carlyle): “do the duty nearest to you” – and for her, that was raising her children (despite her fame, etc.). I think she also said–do it wrong, and nothing else matters. I’ve often thought of that.</p>
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<p>Count me in, too.</p>
<p>Along the way I have occasionally received an unexpected thank you and I still remember those kind words years later. It time to pass it on.</p>
<p>This is interesting…so many people here seem to feel isolated . When I got remarried, I moved to my husband’s town where I knew no one. We lives in a rural area with no neighbors to get to know. My work shifted to become part of the business he already had, which meant that my " co-workers " were really high school and college kids…obviously not exactly prime for forming new friendships…no neighbors, no friends from work. Sure I know other parents of my children’s school friends, but never really clicked enough with any of them in a way beyond seeing them at events or dropping them off and or picking them up…I am friendly now with my neighbors , but do not really have any close ties.
Before that, I had a job that really had me in daily touch with so many people, and I did have friendships and people to socialize with too…I kind of miss that.
My husband’s life is larger than mine as well illustrated with a wall full of recognition from so many organizations he supports…and so well loved within the community. Sometimes I feel like I am known as his wife, but not as myself.</p>
<p>What a profound post. It really makes you think.
First of all, missypie, I am sorry for your loss of friends. Secondly, I believe your ‘living life to the fullest’ is all in how you interpret it. I don’t think it really matters the quantity of friends you have, it is the quality of friends and life you choose. Wouldn’t you rather have a smaller group of friends who are a high quality? You can make a difference to people if you are kind, respectful and just simply think of others instead of yourself.</p>
<p>Ditto, Scualum, I’m in on the November project, also! It would complement my daughter’s and my plan to ‘do something for the less fortunate.’ Great, great idea.</p>
<p>I’m definitely in on the November project. I tend to say something when I notice something special about someone, but this project will remind me to do it with a conscious effort. </p>
<p>I’m not sure where I stand in the small life/big life debate. I taught college for 25 years and know there were students who were inspired through my teaching. (On the other hand, I’m sure there were students who couldn’t wait for the semester to end 
) Because I like to move to new locations and immerse myself in new surroundings, I’ve only held on to two close friends, and those two drift in and out of my life. We have the kind of relationship where we get on the phone and pick up where we left off even if it’s been months/years since we last talked. I’m not sure my kids would think to call them to tell them I’ve passed away in time for the memorial service. Heck, I’m not even sure my kids would know to have a memorial service. </p>
<p>I am the type of person who really likes people, but I also tend to be a social hermit. I go in spurts. I’ll volunteer until the project is done, then hide away for a while. I’ll get into a social group, but not seek another when that group falls away (often because others in the group move away - this is a very mobile world.) After all the hubbub of socializing, I need to spend time alone to find my way back to a quiet place. </p>
<p>One of the two friends mentioned above has lived in the same town all her life. All her immediate family and most of her extended family live within a few miles of her. Her funeral will be HUGE. Mine, not so much. I truly feel in my heart that if everyone I ever met found out about my memorial service in time to attend, my service would be huge, too. Time and distance, however, will take its toll. Just believing that more people than not think the world is a better place because I was here feels like a victory to me.</p>
<p>One thing I try to do, when possible, is find the manager when I receive great service. A while back, I encountered a particularly wonderful server at a busy restaurant and I made a point of telling the manager how great he was and what an asset he was to the restaurant. I hope it will get back to the person (I also told him) and make them feel good.</p>
<p>An unexpected gesture I loved (and hope my kids would repeat) happened during the election season. DS asked if a fairly large group of kids could come over to watch the primaries. They were lovely and I served some food. A few days later he brought home a card that all the kids signed with individual messages thanking me for opening up my home, etc. I still have the card – tangible proof that there are a lot of terrific kids out there. </p>
<p>Re a large life versus a small life. Is a life filled with acquaintances richer than a life spent in solitude appreciating nature, contemplating deeper things, etc.? Such a person might not have a lot of people in life, but may be living a larger life in other ways.</p>