<p>To state the obvious, perhaps it is not surprising that most of us who have posted on this thread would describe our lives as “small” - I imagine that the “large life” folks don’t spend a lot of time posting on message boards!</p>
<p>I like the idea of expressing gratitude in November. Each month our HS features a different character quality (e.g. dependability, perseverance, etc.), teachers nominate students who display that quality and then those students get t-shirts with the name of the quality on the shirt. Last fall I made Son write thank you notes to the teacher and GC who had written college rec letters for him. For that, he received a “gratitude” t-shirt. What blew me away is that the teacher who nominated him was extremely popular and wrote many rec letters. Was Son really one of the only ones who wrote a thank you note?!</p>
<p>A good friend and I walk together three mornings a week. We have the best discussions.
Anyway, recently started to talk about how few people we really like anymore. (Oh, dear, this is sounding really bad.) It seems that politics and religion have become so polarized, that it is difficult to be around people who don’t hold a similar view. When you couple that with menopause and becoming just less tolerant in general - we figured we each had about five people we REALLY liked and enjoyed. We promised each other that if in any way we started to get on each other’s nerves, we would speak up. We were sort of joking - but not entirely.</p>
<p>Here’s where I think I stand. I am a very warm and giving person. I am the person people come to when they need good counsel, a non-judgmental listener, a problem solver. It is what I do for a living and what I do for those I care about. Sometimes, it is exhausting and I think my way of taking care of myself is to limit my ties. So many times I have been called in to do consulting work in a school and the next thing you know the administrator thinks I am their best buddy. I get calls to go to lunch, etc., but the entire conversation is about their concerns - work, professional thinks, and even personal stuff. These relationships appear friend-like, but they are not. There is no balance. </p>
<p>As I have often said on these threads, I am also the primary person for five senior citizens. My folks, my MIL, and another elderly couple. They rely on me for practical and emotional support. </p>
<p>So, I have no doubt about the value of my life, but I tend to keep my circle small and dabble in superficial friendships with other groups. I don’t want to sound bitter - I’m not - but it is how I protect myself from being completely drained.</p>
<p>Can we start a seperate thread on the November project? We certainly don’t need to post every “thank you” we dish out, but I think given this is the month of “thanks” with Thanksgiving that it might be very uplifting to share some special moments we experience with our “thank you” mission!</p>
<p>I’m with you. The couple who we considered our “best couple friends” now irritate the heck out of us - their kids can do no wrong, they get 100% of their news from Fox News, they still believe that George Bush put in office by God and they pretty much eat only vegetables and tofu. Running over to each other’s houses for a chat and a snack just isn’t fun anymore. We think they’ve become really weird (and they probably think the same about us, too!)</p>
<p>I know - totally bizarre. Here’s the genesis: the wife had a bout with cancer and at first they thought they would just treat with nutrition instead of chemo (they later changed their minds). While researching their nutrition options, they latched onto several books, like *The Cancer Free Diet *and Eating for Your Blood Type. When you overlay the advice of multiple books like that, what you are left being able to eat is almost nothing. They just get skinnier and skinnier! (And more and more right wing!)</p>
<p>I get the drifting apart of friendships too…we are good friends with a guy whose wife I find a little strange…I don’t really care to socialize with her because of her hobby. The funny thing is, she is very involved with animal welfare organizations but this had made her judgemental against people who choose not to adopt shelter pets…it is weird and uncomfortable pressure she puts on others, including me.</p>
<p>I just discovered this thread. I will be 50 in a few weeks, so I have been thinking a lot about my life lately. It is definitely “small,” but I feel like I have touched many lives in a positive way over the years. I don’t know how full the church would be, but I wouldn’t think that those I have helped would come to my funeral. It’s enough to know that the time I spent on this earth allowed me to do something that helped their lives in some small way. That’s good enough for me. Yep, I do live “small!”</p>
<p>I understand about drifting apart. My best friend & I have drifted apart over the years. She & her husband have such different values as a result of their experiences. I still have great affection for her, but life has pulled us in different directions. It makes me sad sometimes, but so it goes.</p>
<p>I agree, worknprogress. I think the posts on this page reflect a bothersome tendency in our culture: we love our freedom to think, do, and speak as we see fit, but we’re becoming less tolerant of those who don’t adhere to our own world view. In addition to the general polarization that’s happening, maybe what we’re experiencing is due to the natural solidifying of personality as we age. After all, most of us are probably in our late 40’s or our 50’s.</p>
<p>But yeah, so many acquaintances have become a little weird. I don’t care if someone homeschools, sends their child to public school, to a religious private, or a secular private. I really don’t care. I figure those parents are making a decision based on their finances, values, and needs of their child. What’s right for one kid, is not right for another. But my homeschooling friends and religious private school friends are all starting to be a little bothered by the fact that some people can “stand” to keep their kids in public school–people like me. It offends them somehow, even though I’ve been very supportive of their decision and do understand their rationale. But now I can’t carry on a conversation with one gal without hearing a diatribe about how bad the public school was, why she decided to homeschool, and how perfect homeschooling has been (she’s even considering homeschooling for college.) Politics are also dividing people–even families. Intelligent and well-intentioned folks are found on both sides of the aisle, and I’m not sure what happens that people forget that. I’m Republican, but was happy when Obama was elected. Most of my friends are Democrats, and I don’t care. But in recent years they’ve started to get a little pushy about it and my nonchalence irritates them further. They’ll say the most insulting thing about a public figure (think GW), they’ll send me political e-mails, and wait for me to flip out. Only I don’t. And don’t get me going on the militant animal people who can’t seem to understand that not everyone wants a pet. And those of us that don’t (could be allergies!) probably don’t want their pet shedding in our homes. And here’s a new one. There are some really militant anti-vaccination people out there too. It’s hard for me to stomach them when they imply that my D is special needs because I let her be vaccinated. </p>
<p>I’m sure those on the opposite side from me can tell similar stories about folks of my ilk. It’s a real problem in our society. What happened to live and let live? What happened to an understanding that one needs to tread lightly when discussing poltiics and religion? I feel that people give one another a litmus test these days when they first meet, and very quickly dismiss anyone who “fails” in any important category.</p>
<p>PS: All of you seem to be thinking people. You probably wouldn’t have responded to this topic if you weren’t! But thinking people often find themselves being that one small voice, the one person who goes a different direction when those around are running the other way like lemmings, the parent who makes purposeful and thoughtful decisions for his/her children. This can cause isolation. For example, years ago my D was friendly with some girls whose parents were a clique. They were a nice clique, not a snotty exclusive one, but they all would put their kids in the same activities and summer camps–even the same weeks of those camps. The kids would do everything together. This offered comforts for both kids and parents, such as carpooling, and always having ready friends wherever they were spending the day. But I just didn’t see why you’d send a kid who doesn’t like sports to sports camp just because all his friends are going, when he’d be happier at music camp. So D and I did our own thing. It paid off as far as EC success for D, but not relationally for me.</p>
<p>Is anyone on this thread living in a very small town? I was just thinking of Mayberry…I guess Barney Fife was Andy’s best friend, even though Barney was very irritating. Gomer, Goober, Floyd, Miss Clara had comically exagerated tendencies that were also irritating. Yet Andy accepted and enjoyed them all. Did he and Helen ever sit in the porch swing and reflect on the fact all of their friends - in fact, everyone in town - was irritating and why the heck were they friends with them?</p>
<p>I have a point here. Andy was profoundly tolerant, I guess because his only choices were (a) to be tolerant, (b) have no friends, or (c) move away. Am I less tolerant - less willing to hear our former best friends talk about George Bush’s godly nature - because I live in a large metropolitan area and think there’s got to be someone else to be friends with? Have I become less tolerant or have they become more irritating?</p>
<p>People who live in metropolitan areas can be busier and more stressed. Therefore, in order to survive and stay sane, they have to streamline their lives. Why put up with annoying people when there are millions more out there to meet? I’d say it’s the latter, missypie.</p>
<p>PS I’m glad no one I know around here is quite THAT pro-Bush, lol.</p>
<p>I’m a joiner, so my life is fairly large. I’ve been involved in the PTA (no longer on any committees though!), I’m a past president of the local art association, I belong to a cooperative gallery, I’m somewhat involved in local politics, I’m secretary of our neighborhood association and I try to go to “Ladies Night Out” that a friend of mine organized for one night a month. We also belong to a religious organization, because I find the people who go nice, but rather boring. We have a couple of neighborhood families who love giving parties which helps with neighborhood cohesiveness. In fact I can’t say enough nice things about our neighborhood, it’s very diverse and full of people I really like who are doers not just complainers.</p>
<p>What I really miss is the close female friends I had in high school. I kept up with them for quite a while, but none of us live anywhere near each other. I wish I lived closer to my sisters-in-law, both of whom I like very much, or that my best friend in town weren’t quite so darn busy, though we manage to be at the Y at the same time fairly often and catch up then. </p>
<p>I’m pretty good at thanking people, especially after getting chewed out about not be thoughtful enough many, many years ago!</p>
<p>I like to think that I’m older and more discrminating in who I count among my friends. I used to be a pleaser in my teens and 20s. Now, not so much, so I just don’t spend time with people I don’t enjoy. I don’t think it’s that I’m being less tolerant; it’s more that I don’t feel compelled to put up with anyone’s drama/politics/judgmentalness like I used to.</p>
<p>missypie, I’ve had the exact same musings while sitting at a crowded funeral, except instead of becoming philosophical, my train of thought went more like this: ‘Hmm, there sure are a lot of people here, I didn’t know he had so many friends. I wonder if I would have this many people at my funeral? I better make some more friends right away or my funeral will be embarrassingly small, but wait, I’ll be dead so I won’t care. Scratch that thought.’ (This was not at a funeral of a close friend.)</p>
<p>Anyway… I wonder if the quality of life and friends might not be different in the city vs. small town like you say above. I spend a couple of months every year in a tiny town and the rest of the time in NYC. Practically every week, here in the city, I meet people who are thoughtful, interesting, and in my line of work. Most of the time I will have a single great conversation with them and go my way, but every once in a while these blossom into wonderful friendships. This happens often enough that now I have a fairly extensive circle of friends. However, in the small town? I hardly know anyone and certainly not anyone in my line of work. I’ve yet to meet anyone that I can ‘relate’ to enough to pursue friendships with them (and I have been going there for years). Sure, I have casual acquaintances, especially from when my kids were small, but no one that I would pick up the phone to call.</p>
<p>Another interesting thing about the small-large life conundrum: I work alone for months at a time with no feedback. I am completely solitary. Then, every year or so, my work goes public and suddenly everyone sees what I have been working on. My life becomes ‘large’ for a little while, then shrinks back into its usual small parameter.</p>
<p>Personally, I like the kind of small life that people are describing here. I think it is more likely to lead to contentment. There is no reason that small-lifers should try to go large, it’s like trying to change your temperament! Many of you sound like introverts (you get your energy from the time spent alone), as am I. </p>
<p>My H, on the other hand, is in one of those helping professions. His funeral will be huge. (Mine will likely be too if I go first. Most of the people will be there for him!)</p>
<p>I live in a small town. We have one stoplight. When a mayoral candidate knocked on my door to solicit my vote, he asked me which church I went to. I was quite taken aback. He saw my discomfort and explained that he just wanted to see if we knew any of the same people. (I didn’t vote for him, by the way, but he still won with 437 votes!) </p>
<p>That being said, I am a newcomer here and know only a few people in town. I chat with my neighbors on a regular basis and share a drink with them upon occasion - usually on my northern neighbor’s porch. Most of my friends/acquaintances live in the “big” city 10 miles away. I know many more people there than here in my “Mayberry”. I guess this would be because my children have always attended schools in the city. I was President of the School Advisory Council, chaperoned school field trips, was a cub scout/boy scout/brownies mom, was a baseball mom, and worked at the biggest employer in our area for many years. I think I’m very tolerant of others, but, then again, I have no qualms hiding away for stretches of time to recover my balance. I let everyone think they haven’t seen me around in a while because I’m super busy. I do stay in touch by phone with several key folks who keep me in the loop when I’ve removed myself from the loop. Works for me, and helps me be more tolerant of others. I’m great at taking others in small doses.</p>
<p>A funny true story that just happened which illustrates my complete insignificance. My father-in-law called just now. Granted, this is a very rare occurence, because he lives in a poor country and phone calls are expensive for him. I greeted him in his language, and he said “Who’s this?” I answered, after which he said hello but said my name incorrectly. Sigh.</p>
<p>All the rest of the phone calls today were auto-dialers for the election, lol.</p>
<p>I hear everyone about quality of friendships rather than quantity, but I don’t feel like I have either. When my friend passed away last week, there must have been 20 people at his deathbed…family and “only the closest of friends.” Other than immediate family, I can’t think of a soul that I’d want at my deathbed and I can’t think of a soul who would *want *to be at my deathbed.</p>
I do stay in touch by phone with several key folks who keep me in the loop when I’ve removed myself from the loop. Works for me, and helps me be more tolerant of others. I’m great at taking others in small doses.</p>