<p>Your thread reminds me of my late FiLs funeral.</p>
<p>My late FiL grew up very very poor, the son of a sharecropper.
By age 5 he was helping in the fields. As he grew, he sold agricultural product and newspapers etc to buy a battery for the family’s radio for example.
He didn’t finish school, he had a GED.
He was shunned by the “old” money in the city.</p>
<p>When he died, his funeral was packed–the cathedral was full, including the Gov and several memebrs of the state legislature. People flew in from other nations. </p>
<p>He has served his state in the state government as an elected official, he had owned several businesses (and was a multi-millionaire), and he served in a very very large not for profit to benefit those that needed help the most. He also greatly impacted the state’s higher educational system.</p>
<p>Thousands will be impacted by what he did, what he created and where he served. His legacey continues and most will never know his name.</p>
<p>He did it all because he loved people, and cared for those who needed help the most, those often overlooked and forgotten.</p>
<p>I remember reading about Forbes once–and talking with FiL (about 17 yrs ago)…about all the “accomplsihments” Forbes had and all of his hobbies and pursuits…because it seemed so impressive at the time…</p>
<p>My FiL looked at me and said that when he died,
he wanted his tombstone to read, “He did his best”.</p>
<p>In this age of the Internet and harried lives, people can be involved in a great deal of charity work fairly silently without really “knowing” those recipients directly. </p>
<p>I don’t care about the size of the group that shows up at any funeral…just the quality of legacy a person leaves behind… may it be by our charity work on line or simply by devoting ourselves to our family and raising wonderful children with a strong moral fiber that give back to our communities.</p>
<p>Mathmom, I also miss those close relationships that were built when I was younger. I still keep in touch with several close friends from college, but our lives have taken each of us in such different directions. It’s not that I don’t feel the same about them as I once did. It’s just that time and circumstance have changed things. I have gained friends over time, but the relationships are not quite the same. One “new” friend is probably my closest friend in terms of being able to confide feelings and being able to run ideas past … but I don’t feel that “something” I had with my college friends. I am fortunate that I have a fantastic husband who is a great friend. But I do miss the female bonds that are still there but not-quite-there.</p>
<p>Other than immediate family, I can’t think of a soul that I’d want at my deathbed and I can’t think of a soul who would want to be at my deathbed.</p>
<p>MP - My sentiments exactly - I really wouldn’t WANT anyone else at my deathbed other than my DH & DD’s & parents. I am just too private for anything else.</p>
<p>I think you hit on something when you talked about Mayberry. I was actually thinking yesterday about how our lives allow us to move about and avoid people who irritate us. Everyone is so spread out we don’t have to learn to tolerate others or better yet, be amused by their ways. So many philosophical things to think about. So many ways for me to procrastinate. :)</p>
<p>Hey, this is a great thread. Makes me feel like I’m not alone.
I thought my life would get bigger as I got older…but it seems to be getting smaller.
Friends seem to be dropping off over the years…things were busy and active when I was raising my son…but I don’t see most of those people anymore.<br>
We have very few couples who we are friendly with.
My family is very small and not everyone gets along with each other- surprise.
I have some friends in the neighborhood, but I also feel left out. Most of the moms don’t work and have never invited me to their book clubs and other groups…even though my work schedule is flexible and would allow me time to attend.
I work from home and it can be very isolating. But I treasure the flexibility and I don’t want to get a corporate job just to surround myself with people…“job friendships” can be tricky anyway.<br>
It’s easy to sit around and get depressed about this…but I’m going to use this thread to spur some action. I need to take charge and join some groups, do some community service. Make a difference somehow. Brooding just makes things worse.<br>
Missypie…thanks for getting this started. It seems we all have so much in common…</p>
<p>I lived in a very tiny rural community for 7 years. Kinda like Mayberry, but much stranger!
Over the years just about everyone had conflicts with everyone else. Some very serious ones. Some involving lawsuits. I became friends with people I had very little in common with. A couple times, friends wouldn’t speak to me after conflicts–some were just silly misunderstandings, others were huge issues (a neighbor lost custody of her daughter. . .) Anyway, I still visit there once a year and we all get along.
Everyone gets along. Even people who were suing each other 6 years ago are friends now. They have to get along, because they are the only neighbors and friends they have. They depend on each other. This town was struck by a tornado one year and a terrible ice storm the next. They have to help each other out. They are poor and can’t just pay for help, that’s part of it, too. You get to develop a lot of tolerance in a small town. </p>
<p>It is amazing to see, and always makes me think of the line from Shrek: “If I treated you so bad, how come you came back?”. . .Donkey: “'Cause that’s what friends do–they forgive each other!”</p>
<p>Really, without forgiveness (and forgetting!), we’d have no relationships at all. I certainly couldn’t have stayed married for 23 years without it.</p>
<p>An old friend, “Sue,” did a terrible thing to me and my son a few years ago. Recently she visited and stayed at my house. When I told my sister that “Sue” was visiting–Sis couldn’t believe it–“After what she did to you, I’d never SPEAK to her again!”
My response: “Oh, yeah. Well, I forgot about that. . .”<br>
Forgetting is good–and forgiving.</p>
<p>We do have many things in common. Someone mentioned trimming the Christmas card list over the years…I’ve been actively doing this the last few years…the woman who seemed anxious to get off the phone when I called her, the people who never remember my birthday when I remember theirs year after year…I’ve been in a “who needs them” frame of mind. Are my meagre attentions annoying them? (Am I the friend who has become irritating over the years?)</p>
<p>I, too, am now feeling the need to widen my circle. For years I’ve had a pretty limited view of the type of people with whom I’ve had things in common…I’ve got a house full of kids…can I really find deep friendship with a single woman who has never had kids but who has her dog professionally photographed for her Christmas card and takes him to doggy day care every day? As the nest empties, I think I need to find grounds for friendship other than kid stuff.</p>
<p>It’s like being single and trying to find a date…!</p>
<p>I always have thought that I’d like to belong to a book club - but I don’t know anyone who has one, and I would be too chicken to invite myself to one anyway…and no one has invited me yet…</p>
<p>LOL, the only time I was ever invited to join a book club was when I had an infant at home…read a book? I’ll get back to you on that in a decade or so.</p>
<p>So what would you like to find in a “friendship”??? Are you looking for something for yourself? For you and your husband? Something club/volunteer-oriented or just a “hanging out with the neighbors” type of thing?</p>
<p>I always envied my mother’s large circle of friends when I was in my 30s and too busy with a career with long hours and two small children. These were friends she had had for decades as we were growing up, a bridge club, sewing group, etc. She always told me I would make friends when the kids got into school, but that did not happen. Now though she, too, seems to have drifted away from her friends. Granted death has taken some, but of the ones still alive, she remarks that she doesn’t have much in common with them anymore. Maybe it is the times we are living in.</p>
<p>I have lived in this tourist town for over ten years now. I would like to have a friend I could call just to come over for a cup of coffee or go out to lunch with. But there seems to be nobody near me to call. When we first moved down here, I called the mother of one of my son’s friends who had been very chatty and asked if she would like to get together for lunch and was totally rebuffed. I never tried again. My closest friend lives hundreds of miles away and we see each other no more than once or twice a year.</p>
<p>I think we CAN find very meaningful friendships with people whose lives are different, but whose souls are the same. </p>
<p>I actually think now that younger DD is in college, I enjoy being with people whose lives are different. I don’t want to just surround myself with women in their late 50’s who have kids in college. I have become very friendly with a woman who is in her mid 60’s who also racewalks. We talk a lot about racewalking, clinics, etc., but then of course meander into family, work, food, etc. I love being around her. We are at different stages in our lives, there is no competition (if she were in my age group I would just want to crush her at the next race which interferes with friendship :)) </p>
<p>I also really, really enjoy some of the young adults who work for my DH. We often joke about “the kids” but we have a pretty close relationship with some of them. I love being around them. They keep me young. Now, I am not going to kid myself, we are probably too old for them to consider US friends. </p>
<p>In answer to your wise question, abasket, I would like a few more friendships just for myself. DH and I are pretty inseparable and one of things I have learned from driving the party bus for all my 80 yr.olds, is that you need to have some relationships outside your marriage or as couples.</p>
<p>Yikes! I hope not. But, it can be hard to find new friends. Perhaps you could take a course on something you’ve always wanted to learn (photography, bridge, art, a foreign language, etc.) at your local community college. Learning to dance (or play bridge) might be something both you and your spouse can do together to meet other couples. Pick up an old hobby that you’ve let fall by the wayside, and join a group of other hobbyists. Volunteer to Relay for Life or at your local Habitat for Humanity. You’ll be around people with the same interest(s) as you which means you’ll already have something in common. It’s not guaranteed success, but you’ll get something good out of it no matter what because you’re doing something fun for yourself. </p>
<p>Another poster mentioned seeing those with different views as amusing. I think this is the approach (for the most part) I take with people. Even my two dearest friends would irritate the heck out of me if I didn’t remind myself that what they do doesn’t usually affect me directly. I just shake my head and laugh when I’m alone in the car after a get together.</p>
<p>P.S. I think most of the posters on this thread are introverted and I’m an extrovert (ENTJ according to Meyers/Briggs) so it may be easier for me to jump into new things. Don’t be shy, guys. Extroverts like me need introverts like you. We feel so accomplished when we draw you out of your shell :)</p>
<p>missiepie, you are certainly keyed in to the cultural zeitgeist-- right now on the radio they are discussing a new book “Connected” about the importance of social networks. You can listen live or archived on KPCC.org.</p>
<p>Another book on this topic is “Bowling Alone”.</p>
<p>intj here…but I really don’t like being put in an introvert box. I think some of us are interesting blends. I do need some alone time but I also feel energized and happy after going to parties or socializing with friends. And I can be REALLY chatty sometimes. I think most would not guess me to be an introvert…but I certainly have those tendencies. Many of us learn to come out of our shells early and then stay out of them. </p>
<p>I also read a fun article in the WSJ Personal Journal yesterday about couples “dating” other couples and how hard it is to find couple friends that you connect with. I really can relate. My H tends to be more picky than I do and I think he would rather stay home and watch sports anyway…so, yeah, these things are not easy!</p>
<p>I’m starting to think that any new couples friends will come about by pure serendipity…it’s just too hard:
Couple 1: both keep getting weirder and weirder
Couple 2: wife is fab, but confessed to us that their marriage is in deep trouble
Couple 3: wife is too high drama for my H’s tastes
Couple 4: both great but live quite a distance and the H is frequently between jobs so hard to meet for anything that requires $
Couple 5: wife too materialistic for my H’s tastes
Couple 6: both great but adopted a baby a year ago (!) so they’re back to working their social lives around a baby’s schedule
Two best friends at work: recently divorced</p>
<p>I could go on and they could all probably go on about us. Husband’s internal filter of what to say and what not to say is dissipating, so I can imagine that a few folks would have us on their “avoid” list, too!</p>
<p>This is why we were so devastated when our close friend died last year. The four of us were more like siblings than friends. We all got along. Fortunately, the three of us have been doing surprisingly well. I was afraid it might be hard for her, but we go out to dinner, have been to NYC, and are going on another mini trip in a couple of weeks. We laugh and even cry pretty easily together. </p>
<p>The likelihood of four people getting along (with all the various mathematical configurations) is highly unlikely. We have one other couple we enjoy, but it is not close to being the same. I don’t ever expect another relationship like that. </p>
<p>That’s fantastic that you still see her. One of my colleagues had a group of three couples that went on an annual golf trip. After one of the husbands passed on they tried one more trip, it was deemed too uncomfortable, and the trips were discontinued. (I also hear stories of the divorced husband attempting to bring his very young girlfriend into an established group of 50 somethings.)</p>