<p>My neighbor is such a boorish egomaniac. Every time I have a conversation with her, she butts in, brags about her accomplishments, brags about everything she’s doing, how well she played tennis, how fabulous and expensive her last vacation was, she’s skiing like a pro, and never ONCE does she say “how are you doing, heyalb?”</p>
<p>Seriously, she is a one-way conversation. No need for somebody else to give or receive.</p>
<p>Yet this woman has tons of friends. There are always people at her house. She’s always on the phone, chatting away. I hear her making dinner plans, party plans, vacation plans. She never shuts up. Don’t all her friends get tired of this?</p>
<p>How does she do it? Don’t others find her insufferable as well? Is it me? If it is indeed me, can I see a show of hands out there how many of you like to listen to insufferable boors?</p>
<p>Maybe her friends are all people who don’t want to have to hold up their end of a conversation! (I’m a fairly quiet person, but I also get physically tired when I have to listen to someone who never shuts up.)</p>
<p>I totally understand your pain. I had one such friend when I was a struggling immigrant Grad student making $300/month and living hand to mouth in a small garage apartment. This friend arrived to pursue her graduate degree same semester I did but ended up marrying a guy who was very well settled and would constantly brag to me about “going shopping in Paris and visiting Harrod’s in London to buy a Winter coat” while I was eating Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! </p>
<p>Time has a beautiful way of equalizing things out though. Fast forward 25 years, now I am an R&D researcher who built my career brick by brick and have traveled far and wide for business and pleasure and will continue to work my heart out. She gave up her career and joined forces with her husband. Business has gone through roller coaster ride for her. When we meet now (which is on Facebook really), she seems to have calmed down considerably.</p>
<p>So, I mean it when I say that Time has a beautiful way of equalizing things. Believe in yourself. Keep your contact with such toxic people to a minimum. Things will even themselves out over time.</p>
<p>I switched careers in my early 40’s and found myself with a whole new circle of friends, many of them younger than me but at the same point in career. I’ve really enjoyed having younger friends, in addition to my old friends. I don’t think this would have happened if I hadn’t gone out on a limb in a new career. </p>
<p>I think the way to meet and make new friends is to shake things up a little. Just like we tell our kids: take a class, acquire a new hobby. I am also learning a new language and have started a language exchange “club” (an EC!) and have made new (quite young friends) through that. </p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong, I treasure my old friends my own age, but I could see getting into a rut if I just stuck with them. When I was in my 20’s, I met a woman who was then 78 and she had friends of all ages, including in their 20’s. I was really struck by this. Not only is it interesting, it insures that you are not left friendless in your dotage when your peers start dropping off!</p>
<p>All this talk about friendships got me wondering if any of us posting here would be drawn to each other in real life. Maybe not. And then it got me thinking about the way I have made friends over my lifetime. When I was younger, I definitely went for “chemistry”, similar interests, similar outlook and personality. But now, I find myself being more open to being friendly with people I have nothing in common with. It has allowed me to let go of pre-conceptions about what ‘kind’ of person I would be friends with and forced me out of my shell and to realize that I actually have more in common with many people than I thought.</p>
<p>mousegray–I think what you say is right – starting new things (be it job/interest) and being open to meeting people of different ages and styles.</p>
<p>I worked a job earlier this year with two girls in their late teens/early twenties. They were so positive, energetic, fun and upbeat – it was really refreshing! Nobody complaining about their husbands/kids/the house responsibilities, lol (although they did complain about their parents occasionally!). I found myself adopting some of their youthful attitude (even phrases…when something went really bad at work, one would say “awesome!” in a funny/ironic way…it really cheered things up & i started doing it at home, lol).</p>
<p>Agree w/you about getting out of the rut. Btw, I’m trying to learn French w/my daughter – like the ‘EC concept’ & language club, how … awesome! :-)</p>
<p>This talk reminds me of why I liked college so much - I met people who were studying astronomy, architecture, music, art, dance, theater, engineering, history, polisci, chemistry, mathematics, computer science . . . well, you get the point. These people were interested in an area outside my area of study, but I found them fascinating. We had some really great discussions on topics I didn’t have a chance to study (in depth) myself. I learned so much from them and enjoyed their company immensely. What’s happened to that? Seems like folks don’t talk about their jobs much. Why not? Why has something that was once so fascinating turned into something so mundane?</p>
<p>I’m not sure if I’m an extrovert or an introvert. I am definitely not shy, I’m very talkative, and I do enjoy meeting new people. BUT, I prefer to engage in social relationships on my own terms: when I want them and to the degree I want them. Some women I know are joined at the hip with their friends and never go anywhere alone. If there’s a school open house, they will carpool with each other and walk in together. If there’s a free concert in the town park, they’ll have to find someone to go to it with them so they’re not sitting alone. While I see the appeal, just the planning involved with that lifestyle would annoy me. Also, way back in my playgroup days, I suffered through plenty of group trips that became irritating and cumbersome by virtue of having to please 20 different moms. And those outings would never leave on time! </p>
<p>Also, H and I live pretty simply. We would regardless, but at present our budget necessitates that. Friendships in my neck of the woods are expensive propositions. Everyone goes out for coffee, out to dinner, out in general. My parents were not very social, but they did regularly have friends over for dinner or dessert and coffee. Even church events back then were potlucks. Now, I’d have to spend $20 or more for a church ladies luncheon. People are so busy that socializing at home or preparing food for a social event would probably be a turnoff and they wouldn’t come. It seems that folks are reluctant to accept home invitations too, for fear they’d be expected to reciprocate at their own house. So for this reason, money limits my friendships.</p>
<p>I am a very strong extrovert, love people and like to talk. Like some of the others here I am open to new things and enjoy meeting a variety of new people.</p>
<p>I seem to find myself becoming less judgmental as I age. I am more accepting of my friends quirks (and I have several of my own), opinions and choices.
When I was a SAHM I was very close friends with a neighbor, but now that we both work we don’t see each other nearly as often and have grown apart. I think a lot of that is due to the fact that work sort of energizes me and makes me more social, while she seems to socialize a lot less in general now. But I still count her as a friend and know that we are there for each other. I don’t think that you always have to be in the same place in life to be friends.</p>
<p>Thanks for giving each of us food for thought by starting this thread. DH and I have had this discussion countless times-- about how our social circle continues to shrink and how we can count our true “friends” on a single hand now. We don’t typically muse about who will attend our funerals but rather whether we will be able to fit our guests at a single table when our sons marry. We definitely have many more free Saturday nights than we did years ago. Like others here have said, it’s really tough to find another couple with whom we are both comfortable so I typically meet my friends for coffee or lunch on my day off. Even then, I rarely enjoy the same kind of soul baring conversations I still share with my closest childhood friend who lives much too far away.</p>
<p>I think it’s very limiting to socialize as a couple all the time. I have professional friends, my language exchange friends, and others that I socialize with by myself. If I limited myself to only socializing as a couple with other couples that we both want to see, I wouldn’t have much of a social life. Lucky for me, my H doesn’t mind. Although he doesn’t socialize as much as I do, he has his hobbies that he loves to pursue. Also, he is talking to people all day at work and likes a quiet evening, whereas I am working at home by myself all day. I need to get out at night!</p>
<p>Put me down as another who has a hard time with non-profit work that requires a large financial commitment. I’m a partner at a large law firm…while it’s certainly not frowned on to serve breakfast at the local soup kitchen, it’s important from a client development standpoint to serve on the *executive board *of the shelter. </p>
<p>I’m not against making financial commitments to non-profits, but we give what some would consider a sizable amount of money to our church, so we don’t have the extra thousands to commit to secure a board position. Plus, while I understand the financial necessity, I dislike the practice. It always slays me when an acquaintance will show up on the board of the symphony, opera or ballet when I know for a fact that he has never been to the symphony, opera or ballet before buying into the board position.</p>
<p>I’m still looking for that elusive “cause” about which I am passionate where I might also meet prospective firm clients. (Yes, the cynicism of that sentence disturbs me.)</p>
<p>Now I know for sure that I live a small life because I was unaware of (in fact had never given any thought to) the need to buy a seat on a board. Earlier this year I discovered that United Way provides a great opportunity to network in my field while giving back to my community.</p>
<p>The United Way is a great place for people who really want to make a difference (and not just make a name for themselves) to volunteer. Most United Ways have many different volunteer options and are community driven. Depending on your interest you could offer your assistance to committees including, Education, Health Care, Basic Needs, Mental Health, Youth Initiatives, etc. </p>
<p>I work in my job closely w/United Way and know that locally, time and dedication to a cause a big need. Of course, they would take a large donation as well! </p>
<p>But I also understand that UW’s across the country work differently.</p>
<p>It’s the age old issue of the purpose behind non-profit work. Do you work on a committee with people who will never become business contacts, or do you donate your way into a position where you meet people who can help each other out professionally? It’s such a cynical analysis. I’d much rather be a worker bee than a fundraiser, but the board/fundraiser positions are expected professionally.</p>
<p>So maybe I missed your point. I thought you were just looking for ways to “meet” more people and expand your adult relationships…sounds like you’re really looking to expand your business relationships? </p>
<p>Yikes, as someone who works somewhat in/with non-profits and who volunteers for non-profit from time to time, the idea that someone’s motive is more for business benefit is a little disturbing!</p>
<p>^ abasket, I have done a substantial amount of volunteer work in my life, just for the sheer pleasure of helping others. However, over the last number of years, as I have gotten older, and perhaps somewhat jaded, I notice that most people on the boards of many of the private schools, Y’s, religious philanthropies, etc. are there for the profit that they can make. (Not to say anything negative about Missy, who sounds like a really nice person.) Of course this is the NYC area, not the heartland of america, where you are. Don’t forget that Bernie Madoff was on the investment committee of Yeshiva U. Other places have builders who chair the board, and coincidentally built the building for “cost”. I know I am showing my cynicism, but I’ve seen the insurance brokerage owners on the board who get the insurance contract for the big organization. Someone else whose maintenance company got the cleaning work was on the board. This past summer there was a big scandal about Rabbis laundering money. Maybe I am only involved with corrupt people, and I’ll have to consider it, but this is what I’ve seen. It actually is depressing. I think my world has shrunk because of some of this stuff.</p>
<p>I have no personal gain in mind from my volunteer work other than to help. If I meet a new friend it is a plus, but this generally doesn’t happen. I feel like I am so fortunate, and there are so many more people who are less fortunate, so I keep doing what I can to help.</p>
<p>Surely you know that virtually every bank, accounting firm, law firm, investment firm and real estate brokerage firm strongly encourages, or possibly even requires, its professional employees to become invovled in a non-profit with the goal of securing a board position or at least an important committee slot…believe me, it’s not solely to make the world a better place. </p>
<p>At best, you’re passionate about opera and secure a spot on the opera board. At worst you’re shopping for a group with the most members who can send you business. I hate the idea of it. But a large circle means large book of business which means large personal compensation. The non-profit worker bee who never meets anyone who could be a client may make hundreds of thousands of dollars less than the university alumni association president who knows “everyone” in the state. Sure, some good is done in the process and some personal friendships are built. But those are often not the primary motivations.</p>
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