I’d also expect expenses for kids to be in OUR expenses rather than just MY expenses. We just pool everything, so I’m not geared to thinking of These 3 different categories.
^^^ What happens if you want to give your parents a nice big presents for a very special occasion. Let’s say the present is an overseas cruise. Would your husband agree to that? What happens if he doesn’t want to pay for your parents?
I think each spouse should have an individual account for discretionary spending without having inputs from the other spouse.
So far, we gave always agreed on how to spend our money. We have both given nice gifts to our kids and other relatives.
If I wanted to give a large gift and he disagreed, we’d talk it out and figure out how to resolve. The same would apply if he wanted a big purchase, like his eminent new car and the new car I bought in 2000.
We have agreed to chip in for big, expensive parties for my folks. H has always been fine with it. We have often spent a lot to visit his family and I’ve always been happy to do so.
This would be ideal. But I think this is practical only if both individual accounts have sufficient money, in case we are talking about “chipping in big for folks” here.
The real challenge is that one spouse may want to spend a sizable of their combined amount of income or assets on his or her side of folks, when there is really not much money in their combined pool of money. This is likely not the case for either HImom or cbreeze.
If people want separate discretionary accounts, by all means, they should do things that way. For H and I, we are happy with things as they are and have never disagreed about money or purchases. Neither of us has had an issue as to any purchase made by the other.
The biggest issues I’ve seen are when one spouse wants to loan/give substantial funds to family member and the other spouse doesn’t. It seems to ease things if it comes from the spouse’s separate discretionary funds. So far, H and I have been spared this. We have only chipped in for a few of my folks’ huge parties and it gives them such pleasure.
Another aspect of the issue is that when a couple start their own family (or later may be buying a big ticket item like their house), the folks on one side may financially contribute more than the folks on the other side do. Some folks may offer this help truly with no string attached, but it is not always the case. When this happens, the liability of the “parents tax” (that eventually needs to be paid back in one form or another – not necessarily always in financial way) as perceived by all involved parties could be different. This could result in a tricky situation.
Therefore, I think that unless the parents are really capable of giving out money without any string attached and do not mind whether the parents on the other side do not give out any, it is better not to have too much “give-and-take” between two generations. (I said this as if we are capable of giving out anything to our offspring and have the choice to give or not. This is far from the truth.)
Yes, gifts need to be free and clear with no strings or expectations if they are really GIFTS. There are other, unflattering terms when there are strings and expectations.
The expectations of others seems to be a very common concern of yours. Let’s not turn this thread into another on this topic, please.
<<<
The biggest issues I’ve seen are when one spouse wants to loan/give substantial funds to family member and the other spouse doesn’t.
<<<
I’ve long known that some friends of mine spent a lot of money on the wife’s relatives (widowed mom and a sibling or two). I was a little aghast to recently learn that the H told his wife that she couldn’t retire when he did because she had to work a few more years to make up for all the money they gave to her family. wow. (believe me…this couple isn’t missing any of that money)
Wow–it’s hard to understand dynamics if the relationships of others.
Our money is 100% pooled. There is no “his” or “hers.” Both names are on every account. We don’t consult each other for purchases unless it’s something big. How do we know what qualifies as “big”? I guess it’s like that saying about porn: you just know it when you see it.
"Therefore, I think that unless the parents are really capable of giving out money without any string attached and do not mind whether the parents on the other side do not give out any, it is better not to have too much “give-and-take” between two generations. "
One has nothing to do with the other, mcat. If we so desire, we can give whatever money we want to our grown children with no strings attached - and what the other side does is simply none of my business. It is inappropriate for me to “mind” what those people do with their money, because it is not my money to spend, save or be concerned with.
"I’ve long known that some friends of mine spent a lot of money on the wife’s relatives (widowed mom and a sibling or two). I was a little aghast to recently learn that the H told his wife that she couldn’t retire when he did because she had to work a few more years to make up for all the money they gave to her family. wow. (believe me…this couple isn’t missing any of that "
We are now supporting one of my relatives. I did need to “clear” my retirement with H, because it’s a major financial decision, and if it weren’t for his frugality and aggressive savings, I indeed couldn’t have retired when I did. I didn’t get some kind of free pass to retire when I wanted while my H gets to be sole provider. That had to be a mutual decision.
I don’t understand chipping in to a joint account. What if you don’t make the same amount? How do you split expenses?
Honestly, I’ve always thought the “money” relationship my husband and I have is odd, but he wanted everything separate, so that’s what we did. We made very similar amounts of money when we married, and we make very similar amounts now. We each pay half of most big things, such as the house, kid’s college, new cars (not always half - but half of the payment, if there is one). Our current pattern at Christmas is to come up with some kind of “budget” and I buy almost all gifts. He reimburses me for half. I wind up buying lots of stuff, and after Christmas I take what I don’t need back. He struggles with my method, but recognizes I do a great job. We have no “ours” kids. I usually pay for my kids’ clothes, medical appts, etc., but he paid for half of braces. I often buy him clothes, bc I am a better shopper than he is, and I usually don’t ask for reimbursement. But when I saw those Stewart Weitzman boots I didn’t want to pay for, he was fine buying them for me. I pay when getting my kid back and forth from school, and he pays for his, but we split cars for the kids. My mother will likely live with us at some point, and we will likely split most costs of that. My husband is a micro manager of money, and I never balance my checkbook. If we tried to share money, it would drive both of us crazy. We do both have similar outlooks about money (I’ve taught him a fair amount - he thought he would use retirement for tuition). We put the max in retirement, we don’t ever carry credit card debt, experiences are worth more than things (just look at our house and you can tell that), etc.
“What happens if you want to give your parents a nice big presents for a very special occasion. Let’s say the present is an overseas cruise. Would your husband agree to that? What happens if he doesn’t want to pay for your parents?”
I haven’t worked in 22 years and all our income is what H earns. Last December I took my mom on a five day trip to the Keys. I paid for everything. For my dad’s 80th birthday my sister and I paid for a Mediterranean cruise. I didn’t need to ask my H for permission to do these things - just like he doesn’t have to ask me about things he buys for his parents. I do tell him when I am doing things like this but not to get permission.
Neither of us would have an issue with that, but we would run it by the other one.
My parents and my MIL are in their 80’s, have health issues and live 800 miles away. A few years ago H and I made an agreement that anytime one of us felt like visiting or treating our parents, we would do it. H took several trips to the midwest to see FIL who passed away a year ago. I’m very glad H went and spent that time with his dad.
Mcat, in my universe, parents didn’t contribute to a down payment on our house. That was our responsibility. Hence, we were married many years before we got our first home. Child care and student loans came first.
Heck, in our universe, our parents didn’t pay for college, either.
In the meantime, I am still agonizing over hiring a house cleaner. DH will hit the roof about it and blame it on S2, who is living at home and sort of looking for work. Everything here is pooled, but DH periodically pulls the “I work 70+ hours a week” line when it suits him.
I started working three weeks ago. It’s 15 hours a week. A major motivation is to be able to have someone clean. I can’t do it all. He feels the job is going to compromise my health and is opposed to the job. He says that if I am going to work, it should be for my former employer. Much more $$, but much more stress. I would rather meet my end doing work I like rather than scrubbing toilets.
@CountingDown Sounds like your S2 needs to step up and do some housecleaning.
@Nrdsb4 writes: “Our money is 100% pooled. There is no “his” or “hers.” Both names are on every account. We don’t consult each other for purchases unless it’s something big. How do we know what qualifies as “big”? I guess it’s like that saying about porn: you just know it when you see it.”
That is exactly our method. Both DH and I are frugal, but I don’t actually want to know what he spends on music and he doesn’t want to know what I spend on clothes. Excessive financial scrutiny for minor purchases is not productive. But neither one of us would ever make a big purchase without consultation and consensus. If we disagree on a major purchase (car, furniture, whatever), then that is a sign to move on and keep shopping until we reach agreement.
We don’t “split expenses.” All money goes into the joint account and the joint account pays the bills. I’ve worked full time through the years, part time, and did years as a SAHM, both when the kids were infants, and again once they got to middle school . Now I work part time again. Because my job is so physical, I can’t work full time or I’d blow my back and neck out completely. DH makes more in a month than I could ever make in a year. There would be no point in keeping score or expecting that our standard of living would be limited to twice what my salary contribution could ever be. DH knows that his job just happens to involve large compensation if you are good at it. He understands that you can’t quantify each other’s contribution to the family/partnership, so we don’t.