<p>This reminds me how years ago when H and I were first married I set the “no smoking in our home” rule. It was very difficult because many of H’s relatives smoked and we had large parties on occasion. I am extremely sensitive to smoke and can feel my breathing shut down when around it. Anyway, we still had aunts who would light up when out of our sight and I had to ask these older relatives to please go outside on several occasions before they realized how serious I was. It’s amazing to me that now, about 25 years later, it is the norm that smokers head outside if they plan to smoke. ( one aunt so far died of lung cancer. Three other relatives quit years ago and never went back.)</p>
<p>When my kids lived at home, they never saw anyone smoking inside our house. They know our feelings about smoking. None of us smoke but if one of them now as an adult started smoking it wont change anything… We don’t want anyone smoking inside. All the threats wont make a difference.</p>
<p>I once was in a waiting room at a vision center and another patient sat down next to me. He wanted to talk sports which was fine with me but he reeked of tobacco. I could not stay next to him until the receptionist called me. I simply made some excuse and move to a different section of the waiting room.</p>
<p>I just don’t think I have to put up with it relative or not.</p>
<p>I know a LOT of people that smoke inside of their homes. Two of my roommates did (my age- early 20s) before they moved in with me because I don’t allow it. </p>
<p>IMO, it’s not a generational thing now- it’s a class thing. I don’t know anyone of mid to high SES my age that smoke in their homes but almost every low SES person I know that smokes (which is most of them) smokes in their home.</p>
<p>Not smoking cigarettes was literally the only rule I ever had. Considering that just second hand smoke has ruined my hearing and my lungs, smoking was never appealing to me anyway.</p>
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<p>Probably because they do not smoke inside; the faint odor might just be from the ash on their clothes from smoking outside. I don’t recall being in a car or house owned by a smoker that smelled like it was smoked in since the 1990s (rental cars and hotel rooms are a different story).</p>
<p>I didn’t intend for this to necessarily be a smoking thread.</p>
<p>Missy - Yes, I would want to know. But as to what then, that’s a really hard question to answer. </p>
<p>I don’t think, with an 18-year-old who is living at home, I would just let it go and do nothing. Cigarettes cost money, and even if she is using her own money to buy cigarettes, you are subsidizing those purchases by paying for other non-essentials. Although it’s impossible to say what I would really do, what I would want to do is say, “I can’t make you not smoke, but I can make you bear the financial cost of it. So long as you are buying cigarettes, no money from me for non-essentials. I will pay for your food, shelter, and medical care, but anything else (new clothes, movies, gas money to go anywhere except school, car insurance, etc.) is your responsibility.”</p>
<p>Sorry missy pie.</p>
<p>My spouse always preached to the kids about not making the big mistakes. Told them they would make lots of mistakes…just try to avoid the big big mistakes…</p>
<p>Sorry, missy. I would tell my parents. I’ve never hidden anything from them. They’d want to know (genuinely) and I have a hard time living with hiding things from my parents. </p>
<p>I like Amesie’s suggestion.</p>
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<p>OK… I’ll bite. Yes, I would want to know. In fact, I’ve probably taken a not-so-popular stance with my kids and have told them about some less-than-flattering stories of my young adult life that I don’t share with a lot of people - I have done this with the hope that they could recognize that I’ve dealt with some pretty ugly stuff in my life and I wouldn’t relegate them to the dark side of the family if they, too, made some unhealthy choices and/or were in a position to make some difficult choices. Like others have said, I don’t want them to be put in a position of having to lie to me for fear that it might have serious repercussions. Not that some choices might not come with consequences, but I just can’t imagine imposing punitive actions like my own parents would have done with me had I been honest with them. My parents would have disowned me for a number of things I did that they did not know about. I spent much of my late teens and early 20s lying to them for fear of abandonment. So yes, I want them to be honest with me.</p>
<p>I’ve always told my offspring that telling me the truth is my #1 rule. Lying is NOT acceptable. At times, this has caused problems, but I honestly believe that, while it may sound corny, truth is the North Star of all relationships. You do something horrible and I can forgive you and move on. You lie to me…and I can forgive, but I can’t move on. I’ll never be able to trust you again. I’ll always have this nagging voice in the back of my head, “Can I believe him this time?”</p>
<p>This doesn’t mean that my offspring always volunteer the truth. Nor does it mean that I ask questions about things in certain areas. It does mean that if you choose to make life choices I don’t approve of, I’ll respect you a lot more if you tell me the truth WHEN ASKED than I shall if you lie to me.</p>
<p>And there are times in almost everyone’s life that (s)he tells the truth…and people won’t believe him/her. If you’ve always told the truth to those closest to you…you’ll be believed. If you’ve frequently lied…not so much.</p>
<p>Remember the old story about the boy who cried “Wolf?”</p>
<p>So another question for parents might be… if your teen lies to you, but comes to you and fesses up before you find out, do they still lose your trust? This would be a confession that is made, not because their cover is about to be blown open wide, but because they truly felt bad about it. </p>
<p>I suspect most of us would give our kiddos a pass on one or two instances of this and a record of proven behavior afterwards, as opposed to finding out about a lie afterwards only because they’re about to get into some big trouble and need our help.</p>
<p>So…yes I want my kids to be honest always. Had to deal with this when D1 became sexually active. She knew I was not particularly thrilled. She said “Mom, I can lie to you or be honest about going on the pill.” I knew then, I always wanted honesty. BTW, she was over 18 when this happened.</p>
<p>S smokes. Not at all happy about it. He cannot smoke in our house. But folks, although unhealthy, it is a legal activity. To equate it to heroin addiction, an illegal activity, is very dramatic. How about equating it to eating McDonalds or lots of red meat? Pres. Obama smoked when he was first elected. Smokers are not all depressed in need of treatment people! Unless we all are. Seriously!</p>
<p>I’m sorry Missy. The thing is about honesty from young people is how much is Too Much Information? How much should parents know? If I ask a direct question, I do expect honesty, but I also avoid asking too many questions. I don’t trust my children, much as I love them, but I don’t trust anyone completely. Even the most honest people can be mistaken and want a misplaced trust in their assertions. Better to use common sense and ones own parameters as to what the boundaries are.</p>
<p>So what do you do if you suspect your teen is smoking, drinking, indulging in activities you forbid? To ask for a commitment that they stop the activities, is often times asking for a lie. How to handle these things so that they have the greatest chance of fading away as your teen matures is the big question. It takes judgement, stepping back, stepping in, wisdom, and a whole lot of blind luck.</p>
<p>I want to know everything but I don’t get to forbid if they’re over 18. So far, so good.</p>
<p>Hugs to my sweet friend Missy. Been there.</p>
<p>Be aware of the dangers of stop smoking meds.
[FDA:</a> Anti-smoking drug Chantix linked to more than 500 suicides | Al Jazeera America](<a href=“http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/america-tonight/america-tonight-blog/2013/11/21/fda-anti-smokingdrugchantixlinkedtomorethan500suicides.html]FDA:”>FDA: Anti-smoking drug Chantix linked to more than 500 suicides | Al Jazeera America)</p>
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<p>I totally agree. Little things I don’t need to know. Young people are going to experiment. I don’t need to know that. I lay out what kind of dangers they should expect and ways to prevent or minimize them. Otherwise, it is up to my kid/pre-adult to experiment, hopefully with caution. If it goes wrong, however, I’d like to know the full story and I expect my kid to be honest.</p>
<p>Thank you, caring CC friends. D is still a good person. I focus on that. </p>
<p>I grew up in a fairly fundamentalist religion where certain behaviors - premarital sex, drinking, smoking, drugs, being divorced - made you a “bad” person. I was an adult before I realized the untruth of those beliefs.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Iglooo. I would add that when parents insist on knowing every little thing, it can end up sending a message to the child that they are not competent to run their own lives.</p>
<p>And quite frankly, I learned the hard way that sometimes it’s better not to know because when you get TMI…then what? You can find yourself in between a rock and a hard place with information you really didn’t need but now feel compelled to act on. </p>
<p>Obviously, there is a sliding scale here based upon the child’s age but by college, you really don’t need to know everything your child does. As cptofthehouse so elegantly put it - you often end up with a child who will lie to protect themselves from you, the parent who insists on certain behaviors. By college, I think it’s better to take the role of wise sage than controlling parent. JMHO.</p>
<p>I flat out told my children to stop being so honest. My daughter gave me graphic details of her first kiss. I did not need to know all that. It really was just a kiss, but she was 15 yrs old! Just turned 15 at that. Heck, I don’t need details when they are 19 or 20.</p>