<p>Parents say they want their teen to be honest with what they are up to. But when they are, what do you do with the knowledge? My 18 year old D admits that she smokes. She knows it’s bad for her health, knows that there is a whole industry devoted to helping people quit, knows it can mess up her teeth and skin. But she says she likes it. </p>
<p>Okay, so she’s being honest. Now what?</p>
<p>If your teen is honest about the unwise, illegal or otherwise undesirable behavior in which he or she is engaging, what is the parent supposed to do with that knowledge?</p>
<p>That’s a tough one. In your case, your daughter obviously knows it is bad for her. You setting an ultimatum or yelling at her is not going to change anything.</p>
<p>I would be glad she confided in you and try to ask every so often if she is thinking of quitting, and offer to help with that process. Very non-judgmental and non-pressure. Maybe one day she will take you up on it.</p>
<p>I wonder what other parents do with college students whom they are pretty sure are drinking at college (assuming there is no driving). What is to gain to keep harping on them about it? All you can do is reiterate common sense and your opinion that you don’t HAVE to drink for fun.</p>
<p>With an older teen, I try to be the best friend I can be. For example, my D admits that she is curious about pot and will probably try it in college. So I advised her to try it for the first time only in the company of friends she feels very safe with, and especially not alone with some guy she hardly knows. I mentioned a few other things, but you get the drift. She’s honest with me, and I’m honest right back. It’s made it very easy over the years to discuss things like STDs and so on.</p>
<p>Is your daughter still living at home?
If she’s still in high school and a dependent, living at home, even though she’s 18, I’d just not allow it.
As long as she is relying on our support, she would have to quit, as I see smoking as a dangerous and harmful behavior that I couldn’t allow any more than if she were coming home drunk every night. I’d do everything I could to help her quit if she found it hard, including paying for a program or counseling.</p>
<p>If she is independent and not living at home, it’s a different story, but since you call her a “teen” instead of an adult, I assume she’s still dependent.</p>
<p>I don’t see smoking cigarettes as the same thing as drinking in college, as one can drink without it being dangerous or addictive. There are ways to be moderate in drinking. Smoking is just about as addictive as they come.</p>
<p>Frankly, the fact that she told you about this might indicate (might, only) that she would like help in quitting.</p>
<p>Once you have watched loved ones die of cancer, you would not let this slide.</p>
<p>If they are at college, it is pretty hard.
I didn’t find out about somethings until after the fact.
Smoking I probably would have a cow about and do everything within my power to get them to quit before it got too entrenched.</p>
<p>She needs to identify why she likes it.
Is it the drug, is it the way she is forced to take a break? Is it the rebellion factor?
It certainly doesn’t smell good & is disgusting to others, not cool.
There are other things which can fill those needs and not impact your health.
Personally I rather my kids smoke pot than cigarettes.
Good thing we live in Washington.
;)</p>
<p>Yes. I do. But I also pick my battles and questions carefully. There are times when not telling the truth can be catastrophic, as when there is a crisis and one needs to know. I know some kids who nearly died because no one, including themselves would tell the truth about drug usage and other things when they were in the ER. So, yes, it is important at times to get the truth out of your child, and since you cannot depend on anyone else knowing the difference as to when it’s essential and not,it’s better to keep your questions and any consequences that YOU dole out to a minimum in terms of dealing with them. </p>
<p>If you have a child who smokes, takes drugs and/or partakes in other activities that you absolutely do not want to support, you have to come up with the rules and consequences of breaking them. My one son smokes, and he doesn’t get nearly as much in terms of extra handouts because of it. I don’t ask. I can smell. Too bad if it’s not true. It’s true enough, as I have other ways that I know for sure. I don’t harp on it, but he knows that he’s losing out. Yes, it’s been the subject of some arguments, and maybe I am unreasonable, but my money, my gifts, my reasons, so too bad. Stop that tobacco breath, and convince me and you can be back on that track. </p>
<p>Without not letting them out of sight, you can’t stop a kid from smoking if s/he is bound and determined to do so. You could pay for programs, force the kid to go, but once that kid is out of your sight s/he can find a smoke if s/he so wants one. I’ve known many, many kids who smoke who are not permitted by parents to do so, and some at very young ages. You can just keep the kid from smoking in front of you and prevent the kid from any place where there is that opportunity, but that can even eliminate school Home school and very strict access to any privacy, is the only thing that works, and such draconian measures are usually not something anyone can keep up.</p>
<p>I was just thinking a few days ago that with all we know about smoking, it is just amazing to me that any teen starts it now. But they do. </p>
<p>As a nurse, I have spent the better part of my career observing the adverse and deadly effects of smoking. I can usually spot a smoker pretty easily if they are in their late 30’s early 40’s just by looking at them. When I listen to a patient’s lungs, I can often tell if they smoke. Also, there is a certain kind of cough which seems unique to smokers vs. a regular cough from a cold or illness.</p>
<p>For this reason, if my D told me she smoked, I would probably go nuts. It’s just about the dumbest thing a young person could start doing, especially given all the info. they have been privy to about smoking that our own parents did not have the benefit of receiving.</p>
<p>And how is missypie supposed to do this? I doubt, as it is, she allows smoking in the house, so how is she to prevent this when most of our teens spend a lot of time away from the house? And before anyone says they can smell it on someone and know if they’re smoking or not, I’ll share that I had a sister-in-law who died almost five years ago from cancer. We (our family) found out that she’d been a closet smoker for all her adult life (obviously our brother/her husband knew) and never knew until after she died. I’d been in their house many times and would have sworn on a stack of bibles that not only did she not smoke, but no one ever smoked in that house.</p>
<p>Also, smoking and drinking alcohol are two very different things - drinking at 18 is illegal (well, unless the 18-year old is in the house and the parent approves - but not in all states).</p>
<p>Also drinking in moderation can actually be beneficial to health, smoking cigarettes, especially with all the chemicals used in the growing and manufacturing process, is not.</p>
<p>Yes, Nrdsb4, you can go nuts. But, if your D wants to do so, not much you can do to stop it. You can curtail and make a lot of things more difficult, but nothing you can do. I have a danged fool son who smokes. Can’t make him stop. And now I’m sure he’s addicted to it. He can’t say around me or in the house any lenght of time without getting twitchy, and taking a walk or going somewhere, and I know he’s going for a smoke. I’ve found the evidence and I just pitch it each time I find it, and I just leave him out in terms of a lot of things. He knows, but he won’t quit. There is a high probablilty that his smoking will lead to COPD or cancer or any number of maladies that are rampant in our family. He sees his uncle/godfather on oxygen 24/7 and he still continues to smoke. So what does one do? </p>
<p>As your kids get older and are away from you more, there are fewer and fewer things you can control You can refuse to give certain things to them, not see them, not take part in their lives, but that may not make a bit of difference. I know parents who have nothing to do with their kids because they are indulging in activities that the parents want no part in, but the kids made the choice not to stop. I guess everyone can pretend it isn’t happening, but some of us just know better, and though, yes, the kids can lie to us, we have trouble lying to ourselves. </p>
<p>I agree smoking and a number of other activities are dumb, dangerous and hurt both the any child of any parent and parent alike who cares. But that seems to make no difference. Yes, it hurts me, my heart has a lot of cracks in it with adult children now.</p>
<p>Without question, I want to be told the truth. And, as a child I did always tell my parents the truth, but they did not ask to know everything. </p>
<p>They were great in that they did not use what I told them (when they did ask) as a start point for punishment.</p>
<p>That said, they had their rules of their house. And, I obeyed those rules in the house.</p>
<p>I do not believe you can make your daughter stop smoking. You do not have to allow it in your home.</p>
<p>Both you and Nrdsb4 are in Dallas. I wish there was some way to get your daughter in touch with her. She’s a nurse and your daughter might respond to her description of how smoking degrades your outward appearance, damages your lungs and can do damage to a fetus.</p>
<p>Honestly, the legality of drinking, drug use, isn’t what would make me come down so hard. It’s the health effects. I would rather have a kid smoke pot occasionally and even do coke before I would want them to smoke cigarettes. In fact, it’s the legality of it that makes it so hard to fight because, as you say, they can easily do it elsewhere with no immediate consequences. Experts on addiction will tell you that tobacco is even more addictive than cocaine.
Missypie does know, as her daughter told her. That, to me, says something. She isn’t comfortable being a “closet smoker.” She would either like to quit, or she wants her mom’s approval so she can smoke in her presence or at home. If it’s the former, time to get help. If it’s the latter, time to get help. In my house, there would be no approval coming, and in fact, there would be consequences if there were signs, smells or any indication of smoking.<br>
You’re right that if a kid is really ****bent on killing themselves slowly through drugs, there is sometimes not much one can do. But I don’t think the OP is in this situation yet, as her daughter is young, and she has shared with her. I’d see this as a feint cry, although perhaps a conflicted one, for help.</p>
<p>What would work for me might not work for you. Each of our families has ways of handling things that can work if the child is still living in your house and dependent on you for their care. That’s why this time is probably very critical for Missiepie, as once the daughter is gone, it’s much harder.-though still not impossible, depending on the relationship between the child and the family.</p>
<p>Probably the first thing I would do is set up my kid with the family members, or friends, she most respects and have them do an “intervention” of sorts. I don’t think she could handle disappointing certain people in her life (not necessarily me or dh, but others that she has a lot of admiration for) Help her see how much she is hurting the people she cares about and whose opinions matter to her. Let them help her get the help she needs to quit.</p>
<p>You can’t control if your kid drinks, smokes, takes drugs illegally, drives illegally, is doing anything illegal or unsafe when s/he is out of range. I can tell you stories that would make your hair stand up straight. I’ve known families who keep their underage kids right under their noses, no school, no anything that isn’t heavily monitored by others who are just as intent in keeping these children from so indulging. Once they are 18, however, they can walk away and some do. Not most, but some do, So it isn’t even 100% doing that, but you can prevent up to that age legally. </p>
<p>I’ve hear parents saying things like they know their kid doesn’t do this and that, when i’ve personally seen their kids so indulging. </p>
<p>How each family treats members who are not living according to the rules is a personal thing. Some things might work with some people that won’t with others. I am sure my son would smoke and lie before he would quit. I swear that if one could equip him with a device that would hurt him physically in a terrible sudden way, as a warning a few times and then kill him upon the nth offence, he would be dead. In a sense, he is wearing such a thing with his colds, coughs, and other attendant consequences and that it could lead to a painful horrible death. Still he does it.</p>
<p>But I believe this daughter is still living at home. That’s in-range enough to be on top of it and get her help. It’s true that they go out a lot, but if they live at home, they sleep, eat and do spend most of their hours under your roof.</p>
<p>Drugs, including smoking, are sometimes self-medication for depression and other emotional issues. This is another reason not to ignore it. I’d encourage counseling to help her understand her desire to do something that is obviously damaging.
Cross post with poetgrl- yes. I’d take this seriously.</p>
<p>Help her see how much she is hurting the people she cares about and whose opinions matter to her.</p>
<p>I dont think this would help at all because it doesnt address * why* she smokes.
Its not an intellectual decision.
She has to understand why in her opinion, the rewards are greater than the costs, and tip the scale the other way.
<a href=“http://smokingsides.com/docs/whysmoke.html[/url]”>http://smokingsides.com/docs/whysmoke.html</a>
I used to smoke because several of my friends did, it gave me something to do when i was nervous and because it slightly raises your blood sugar.
I quit when cigarettes were the same price as a gallon of gas, I thought that was ridiculous. Now they are double if not almost triple!</p>
<p>Smoking has nothing to do with other people. </p>
<p>The only way she will quit is if she wants to quit. It’s not about you</p>
<p>What you CAN do is set up a wedge in the relationship by trying to “lay down the law”. Or, you can give her the facts, let her know she can’t smoke in your house or cars, and let her know you are there to help when she is ready to quit.</p>