<p>Yes to honesty, but that means you also have to be honest, and honestly, you hate the idea that she’s smoking. I think you can lay out all the reasons you smoke, not allow it in the house, and then stop talking about it.</p>
<p>(Our daughter smoked in her car (which we owned) once and my husband had a complete fit. Since he never did that, it made a huge impression. She quit.)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It would be a way of opening up the conversation and potentially leading to counseling.
Even coke addicts sometimes want to quit- they just can’t. It’s very possible that the op’s daughter would like to quit at this point. Anything you can do to make her want that will help, because, as many have said, without her wanting to, it will never happen.
I have a lot of hope in this case because the OP is a sweet, caring mom, and the dd is young, and confided in her. That already says a lot for a positive outcome, for an addict.</p>
<p>My son is 20. I don’t want to know nothing about anything anymore. That is why I love when he is away at school and don’t like it when he is home on summer break. ;)</p>
<p>Right. But teenagers don’t care the way adults care about how they might be hurting the adults in their lives. If they do, they probably have neurosis or anxiety issues. Developmentally all they care about is themselves and their peer group. </p>
<p>A parent would have more success asking if there is depression. Asking if there’s trouble staying focused. Girls with add inattentive frequently go undiagnosed since they cause no problems in the classroom. </p>
<p>This can be addressable.</p>
<p>It is very clear that smoking is now an extra charge on your insurance to the tune of $1500 bucks a year or so. Show this to your kid. State you have to report this to insurance or it can null and void your insurance.</p>
<p>Then state that is that kids Xmas gift. That’s that.</p>
<p>I want them to know the difference between small hold backs and big ones. Big omissions lead to life changing events. They have to come forward with the truth. These are the hardest but they need an adults help with them. I think they get it. Drug abuse, pregnancy, addiction, legal trouble, car accidents etc. </p>
<p>The smoker, well, that kid just smells bad…no need to fess up. It’s obvious.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sorry, I don’t agree with this, as it’s contrary to my experience with myself, my own kids and those in my family. I might agree that “sometimes all they care about is themselves and their peer group.” But it’s not some developmental stage that necessitates this. Moving away from parents and the natural emotional separation that occurs doesn’t always mean discounting all adults one has previously loved and admired. </p>
<p>I do agree about the depression issues. I think that’s a real possibility.</p>
<p>Missypie, if there’s any chance your daughter is open to the idea of quitting this post may be helpful: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/16608147-post32755.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/16608147-post32755.html</a></p>
<p>What do you do when your kid tells you she’s using heroin. (Cigarette smoking is more addictive, and, independent of legal risks, more dangerous to health over the long term.) </p>
<p>I’d start by trying to find a counselor for her to see. And then, if needed, a treatment program. But, yes, she has to want to.</p>
<p>Sax, I wish it were so simple. Some will pocket the $1500 and still smoke. Or unless you pay for their insurance not bother to get it. Basically, you lay out the consequences to which you have control, stick to it and leave it at that, unless you want to curtail your relationship with your kid. I do both. It’s sad, but certain things are such that I don’t help or have anything to do with certain aspects of my kids’ lives. I draw my lines and they can go from there. Some kids will turn around and draw their lines too, and I know a number of severely estranged families. </p>
<p>What to do if your adult kid smokes and says will not come to your house if not permitted to smoke there, and you do not permit smoking in your house? Or will refuse to see you at all if not permitted to smoke at your house and there are grandchildren and other things in the mix? Everyone has to draw the lines that are most important. </p>
<p>I have a friend who is jumping to the barks of her kids. They have her where they want her. No visits, no grand kids, no nothing if she doesn’t do this or that. Sadly, I would lose contact with my kids under such circumstances, but I’ve not been tested that way. She missed out on several years of her first grandchildren when she held te line. I personally think her kids are no good, and would have to take the hit, but as I said, I’m not under the gun as she is.</p>
<p>My son would lie and say he isn’t smoking if it came down to it. And since he’s an adult and away from me most of the time, I can’t pinpoint the whens and wheres and would lead to just trouble and gibberish. So I see him and don’t say a word, but I can tel, and whether I am right or not as long as it seems like he is smoking to me, he loses out on a number of things, and he knows it, but we don’t address it directly anymore. He does not smoke in my house is the only thing I am relatively certain about as I have a very keen sense of smell and haven’t noticed it. But even that is not 100% certain. I wouldn’t bet my bank account on it. I’ve told him not to come back to the house that day, a few times when he announced he was going out for a walk,–he’s left sometimes, and just not gone for the walk others. He’s also disappeared for walks without announcing it. I’m sure he’s smoking on those breaks.</p>
<p>As a motivational tool to get kids to quit addictive behaviors, " this is killing your mother and I" is about as effective as saying nothing.</p>
<p>I’m sorry about your son and the heartache you must feel for him. To me, your posts are evidence that it’s important to get your kid help while they are still under your roof. It seems that the OP has a window here to help her that may close once her Dd is on her own.</p>
<p>You can’t MAKE your kid or anyone go into therapy or treatment, whether it’s for heroin or anything. You can try to catch the kid and have him incarcerated or maybe put away if you can show a case for being a danger to self or others, but the bottom line is that there isn’t anything you can do to make another adult do anyting without a certain situation in place.</p>
<p>Though cigarette smoking on a long term basis is more dangerous, heroin and other illegal drugs can lead to more immediate dire consequences. Went to two funerals, over doses in the past three years of kids fooling around with a number of drugs. Parents knew. Were doing what they could. One girl, a Columbia U student, ODed in her parents’ home. </p>
<p>If you are unlucky enough to have a child with self destructive habits and tendencies, you try to help them stop. I don’t know too many who are successful in the early years of trying. I’m not at the late stages yet. You can try to find, suggest, even actually jump in and do, but if another adult wants no part of it, the person can wrest free and that’s it. You can really only control what your actions are, and some limited control of others on your turf. You can demand someone who is doing things you want stopped in your house, to stop and/or leave and call the police to get him out, but you can’t control what is being done out of sight and mind. You can control whether you financially contribute to these things. My smoker son gets nearly no money from me.</p>
<p>Moonchild, my son did not have a lot of the issues he now has when he was under my roof and those kids of mine who had issues did get them promptly addressed to the best that they could be. Not many issues, at that time. I thought I was lucky. It was when they left home that they got into all ssorts of things that they did not at home. And now some of mine are well into adulthood and have made decisions that were not of my choice and I don’t agree one bit to them and would pay for counseling or the cessation of them. But they won’t.</p>
<p>As for lying, I don’t ask a lot of things, and when I do, it’s important I get the truth because it is important, something immediate and dire is at stake. The other kind of questioning , at this point , I leave alone. I often know the answers already.</p>
<p>poetgrl- yes, the words “your mother and I” don’t hold much sway. But others important to the young adult, perhaps. Your mileage may vary, depending on the relationships previously cultivated.</p>
<p>I would absolutely want my child to be honest with me but at 20 years old to think you are going to change their behavior is probably not realistic. Girls smoke for weight control, too.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.lung.org/finding-cures/our-research/trend-reports/Tobacco-Trend-Report.pdf[/url]”>Generic Error Page | American Lung Association | American Lung Association;
<p>
</p>
<p>Have to agree with poetgrl. Question? Is all smoking addictive behavior? Is smoking ever just smoking? Seems that the cessation rate of college former smokers indicates some smoking is just smoking (as bad as that is in itself)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree. That’s why the OP, while she still has this window, needs to use every persuasive power that she has at her disposal. If the Dd is hard core and just doesn’t care, isn’t interested in changing and doesn’t care if it means leaving the family at 18 and fending for herself, well, yes, there’s not much leverage then. But while she still cares, is still living at home, now’s the time.</p>
<p>Moonchild, I was an addiction counselor for twenty years. Just changed careers this August. </p>
<p>It colors my perspective </p>
<p>Addictions ruin relationships. But ruined relationships are not the reason for addiction.</p>
<p>“What to do if your adult kid smokes and says will not come to your house if not permitted to smoke there, and you do not permit smoking in your house? Or will refuse to see you at all if not permitted to smoke at your house and there are grandchildren and other things in the mix? Everyone has to draw the lines that are most important.”</p>
<p>Do adult children really act this way - refuse to come to a parent’s house because the can’t smoke inside? I find that unbelievable. Do these same people never go to restaurant, bar, office where one is not allowed to smoke?</p>
<p>Emily, I think that could happen if the parent makes it a hill to die on which does happen because it’s hard to give up control as a kid grows up and makes mistakes.</p>
<p>" Question? Is all smoking addictive behavior? Is smoking ever just smoking?
"No. And genetic components play an important role. (Same with opiates/heroin, by the way. There are many people who use heroin who just give it up.) On average, I’ve read, the average former smoker attempts to quit 10 times or so before succeeding. Yet, in my family, after the Surgeon General’s report (1962?) every member of my family who smoked (which was most) quit cold-turkey on the first try. (With the exception of one, who never wanted to stop - a fatalist.)</p>
<p>By the way, to put to rest another myth regarding alcohol and drugs (not cigarettes) forced treatment works. Making people go to treatment works. We’ve got a ton of data on this, where there are legal sanctions, etc., etc. That is because alcohol and drugs make it likely that people can’t think straight and make rational decisions. </p>
<p>Does it work all the time? No! Neither does treatment. But compared with those who go voluntarily, meta-data indicate that those who are “made” to go to treatment actually do slightly better.</p>