<p>Also, an 18-year old smoker is probably not the level of addict as the average former smoker. There is a period of experimentation that precedes serious addiction.</p>
<p>Sometimes, parents can’t handle the truth.</p>
<p>Sometime, the kids can’t even handle their own truths!</p>
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I would never smoke for weight control. It’s counterproductive. Rot yourself from the inside out just to look skinny on the outside. Little do they know that what goes in must go out and the smoking catches up with them. Completely disgusting.</p>
<p>Maybe they aren’t addicts. There’s Not really a very long period before addiction with smoking. It is highly addictive. </p>
<p>This is why they try to get em while they’re young. The cigarette dealers know this. They are no different than the meth dealers.</p>
<p>This may be silly but it worked for a friend of my kid’s. Take her to this:</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/newyork/[/url]”>http://www.bodiestheexhibition.com/newyork/</a> (There are similar exhibits in other cities.)</p>
<p>The kids went to this as a tourist-y thing to do. Part of the exhibit shows you what the lungs of a smoker look like inside. One of the kids was a smoker in his early 20s and had been smoking for over 5 years. After seeing the exhibit, he walked outside and threw away his pack of cigarettes. Rare that someone can do that. It’s been over 5 years now, and he doesn’t smoke. </p>
<p>Just a thought…</p>
<p>PS I see that the NYC exhibit is still out due to Hurricane Sandy. Still, it exists in other cities. This isn’t an anti-smoking exhibit per se. It’s an exhibit about the human body using actual human bodies and you see inside the lung of a smoker.</p>
<p>My D did not confide in me…she’s just an idiot when it comes to hiding things and when asked, she confesses. She is in counseling, takes ADD meds, depression meds. She does a lot of which we disappove. Although it is terrific that the lines of communication are open, all I can think of to say is why her actions are bad for her, but not to say it in every conversation. </p>
<p>It’s an odd situation to be in. When you are aware of the kids in HS who are the school sluts, the school drug dealers, the smokers, the drinkers, the druggies, you think, “if their parents only knew…” Now I think, okay, so what if they do know? What is to be done?</p>
<p>“Emily, I think that could happen if the parent makes it a hill to die on which does happen because it’s hard to give up control as a kid grows up and makes mistakes.”</p>
<p>I can maybe see that if there were also a lot of other things the parent wants to be in control of in their adult child’s life. </p>
<p>I also cannot believe I am hearing people suggest the daughter needs therapy or is suffering from depression because she is smoking. </p>
<p>My son and his friend’s sit around smoking hookah. Do I like it, no - but, it is what it is. I’m sure some of them smoke cigarettes, too (maybe even my kid.) And they all drink alcohol. I don’t think any of them don’t know the dangers and I seriously doubt anything I could say would change anything. I also don’t think any of them need therapy or are suffering from some kind of depression.</p>
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<p>Many smokers these days do not smoke inside their own (or anyone else’s) houses or cars.</p>
<p>Emily, I completely agree. With kids involved in theater you would be amazed at the level of smoking that goes on among “artists” and don’t even get me started on the anorexic dancer girls. Ugh!</p>
<p>I do hope my kids aren’t sitting around smoking hookah, though. I will ask my son. LOL!</p>
<p>EB. There is a verry high correlation between smoking and depression. Missypie with both depression and add I think you have an uphill battle. </p>
<p>My advice is just to set the rules and let her know you will help if she asks. You can make yourself insane about this kind of thing and still have no success.</p>
<p>“I do hope my kids aren’t sitting around smoking hookah, though.”</p>
<p>From what I understand, smoking hookah is very popular now. </p>
<p>Poetgirl, I didn’t realize OP’s D was already dealing with depression. </p>
<p>As for the correlation - there must be an epidemic of depression among that age group then, if my visits to college campuses are any indication.</p>
<p>"Do adult children really act this way - refuse to come to a parent’s house because the can’t smoke inside? I find that unbelievable. Do these same people never go to restaurant, bar, office where one is not allowed to smoke? "</p>
<p>Yes. My husband’ aunt and uncle have not seen one of their sons for 15 years because he won’t come visit them unless he can smoke inside the house, and does not want to see them elsewhere until they permit him to smoke inside their house. He does not go anywhere that does not permit him to smoke unless he wants something from the place badly enough to refrain. He hasn’t been at our house either as I don’t permit smoking. </p>
<p>My son has friends that won’t come by my house for that reason, according to him. I don’t want smoking on my property, even outside. There isn’t anyone I want to see badly enough to change my mind at this point in time. Maybe later in life, there will be. I think anyone who steps out for a smoke, smells bad and bothers me. I hate the smell of smoke that much. I;m really one step away from prohibiting smokers at all , or anyone who smells like he’s a smoker from coming into my home. I have a mother dying of COPD at the moment, and it’s just rubbing it in my face. I also avoid places where smoking is permitted and will leave if there is cigarette smoking around. </p>
<p>My son did not start smoking until he was over 18 by the way, other than maybe very few tries, like less than 5 before he went to college, at least so he says, and I never noted the smell on him. He never smoked the few he tried, which were puffs not whole cigarettes, anytime within the same day that he was going to see me. I rarely noted cigarette smoke on any of my kids even which one can get by being around smokers. So, yes, when I smell it, it’s not a figment. And it bothers me. Yes, I’ll pay for help to quit. </p>
<p>The smokers in my family, including my mother did not quit until they were in serious trouble from smoking, and some of them didn’t quit even then. My DH’s uncle is on 100% oxygen all of the time and he would still smoke if it weren’t for that. He was smoking when he was able to go off the oxygen for 15 minutes at a time. Now he even has to shower with the cannules in his nose. Can’t go 5 minutes without, so not enough time to smoke. Also too handicapped to get away somewhere to smoke or buy cigarettes. Might even do it if he could. </p>
<p>All of my mother’s family smoke, even with the recent deaths of my cousin and uncle, both from esophogal cancer, most certainly a result of heavy smoking. My uncle was in his 80s, nearly 90, but my niece was not much older than I am.</p>
<p>I do really want my kids to be honest with me, but that has led to “be careful what you wish for”. I’ve been told things that make me want to grab them, shake them and scream, “What are you thinking!!!” But I don’t. I try to give my perspective as objectively as I can, and then let it go for a while. If I can figure out a way to revisit at another time, I might. I had to decide between lecturing and then risking being shut out of future, maybe more serious topics or being moderate in my responses to keep communication open. It’s really hard, though.</p>
<p>I think the only way to change young people’s behavior is through their electronics, gifts and monies given.</p>
<p>“I know you smoke and therefore I am using your Xmas and birthday money gifts to pay the additional insurance costs.” </p>
<p>That is that. It is easy. It really is.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your H’s Aunt and Uncle that they have such a horrid son, but I have to believe that type of behavior by an adult is extremely rare. </p>
<p>I also believe people have the right not to allow smoking, drinking, or what have you, in their own homes or on their property. </p>
<p>And, of course, it is your right to refuse to have anyone in your home who is a smoker, but that is your choice. I hope you wouldn’t complain that your son never sees you because of a choice you willingly made.</p>
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<p>In about 1971, the father of my sister’s then BF (now ex-husband) told his son that he would not pay for his senior pictures unless he cut his hair. 2013, the dad is long gone, no senior pictures were taken and the guy’s (gray, thinning) hair is still down his back.</p>
<p>"I think the only way to change young people’s behavior is through their electronics, gifts and monies given.</p>
<p>“I know you smoke and therefore I am using your Xmas and birthday money gifts to pay the additional insurance costs.”</p>
<p>That is that. It is easy. It really is. "</p>
<p>I’m doing that. And he still smokes. As do many in that situation. Many lie about the smoking as well, but yes, they smoke. THat’ s the other thing, you can’t really montior and know for sure. You then have a liar and a smoker. </p>
<p>My H’s Aunt and uncle do not have such a horrid son. He is considered a great person by all, but he does love his cigarettes and wants to bust that rule. I don’t know anyone who is so direct about this, but I know many who have kids who smoke around the house and deny it. It’s like nailing jello on the wall when you have someone sneaking smokes and denying it. It then becomes a running battle. </p>
<p>And yes, we complain that we don’t get to see our son, as aunt and uncle complain they dont’ get to see theirs. We want a non smoker in the house as do they, and the complaint is that because of the conditions that we are not willing to give up, we don’t get to see our kids as much or at all. So yes, there are many choices parents make, many of them good ones (criminal behavior, possesion, insistance on a dangerous, untrustworthy person accompanying them, ) that preclude seeing their kids. And yet the complain, because they do wish it were otherwise. Though lament, is more the word than complain, though it is a complaint as well. </p>
<p>A friend of mine has a daughter who has chosen a horrible life style, and she will not have her daughter and SO at her house. She wants no part of the dangers that the choices her DD has made to become part of others in the families. And yes, she hurts terribly that she does not see her daughter as a result. The deal is on the table, help, including money, if you quit this lifestyle, stop using drugs, give up your SO ex con who is still into dangerous activiites, get rid of the guns in your purse, quit smoking, no illegal drugs, contraband on your person or otherwise brought to the house, no horrible language in the house, etc, etc, or don’t come by. Not welcome. Still hurts and yes, we do complain. Smoking can be just one thing on the long list of conditions. I guess I’m lucky in that regard as the other things are not on my table that I know about. But if they come up, yes, the conditions are the same. Off of my property for a whole list of things if I find out.</p>
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<p>I am aware of that; I have a neighbor that I regularly see outside smoking. But this sister-in-law and my brother were married for over 25 years and in all that time, no one ever detected it… in the house, car, or on person. They never had any children, which is often one of the reasons one spouse will forbid the other spouse from smoking in the house. </p>
<p>In hindsight, there were many times during their marriage that, whenever they would visit my parents home, that they would come in separate cars, and I always thought that was odd (they only lived 15 minutes from my parents house), but I now suspect it had something to do with her smoking. I will say I never rode in her car. Whenever we went anywhere together, my brother would drive his car.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse- I think you have the right to set the conditions for a relationship, and I also think you have the right to complain about one of your kids not being able to meet them.
You’re a mom, and it hurts. I am sorry. I don’t know how old your boy is, but there is a chance that it may not always be this way. Does he have kids of his own yet? Sometimes people make difficult changes for their own kids that they wouldn’t make for their parents.</p>
<p>Cptofthehouse, </p>
<p>I just cannot feel sorry for anyone who puts conditions ,such as a kid who smokes, for not being able to see their child(ren) or grandchildren. </p>
<p>Now, if child was a heroin addict who came into one’s home and stole money or material things to sell to get their drug - then I would have a lot of compassion for the parents who made a decision to cut ties with their kid. </p>
<p>I think anyone who thinks taking away toys or money is going to change an older teens or young adults behavior is naive, but to each his own.</p>
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<p>Oh, I know that. But I still reserve the right to go nuts!</p>