When my family hosted, we never said a prayer. We didn’t do it normally before meals so didn’t see any reason to do so when we had guests. If someone wanted to say a prayer before the meal, they would do so silently to themselves or could ask to say grace and we’d oblige. I’ve never seen a family member do this, but I have had friends who would prayed silently to themselves before meals. When other families hosted, they would sometimes say a prayer before the meal, and we would all hold hands and bow our heads, even though we didn’t normally pray before out meals. For me, it was always a thing that the host family decides. We’re all guests in their home, so we always deferred to their customs and preferences and generally assumed others would do the same when they came into our home (it would be the same thing if someone had a rule like taking your shoes off at the door or something similar).
If you’re hosting Thanksgiving, I think you should do whatever makes you and your family comfortable. If you’d prefer not to say a prayer, then don’t. If you would like to say something before the meal, you could always express thanks and gratitude that your friends and family can all come together during this holiday, etc, etc. I don’t think anyone will mind.
Last year, my son and I spent Thanksgiving at the home upstate of a first cousin of mine on my father’s side. HIs wife is Roman Catholic, and her mother and brother and other relatives of hers were there, as well as some other people on my side of the family. At the traditional family Thanskgiving I went to for about 50 years in a row at my cousin’s parents’ house in Long Island when they were alive, until a few years ago (his father and mine were brothers), there was never any mention of a deity at all; there was just a toast expressing thanks for everyone in the family being there.
So when my cousin’s wife asked everyone at the table, before dinner began, to join hands for a prayer, I thought, OK, it’ll just be something generic and non-denominational, which I don’t mind, and I wasn’t even really paying attention for most of it. But all of a sudden, right at the end, she thanked “Jesus Christ Our Lord,” and I dropped the hands of the people on either side of me as if they were on fire! I was quite upset, actually: I’ve known my cousin’s wife for at least 35 years, and she knows perfectly well that my son and I are not only Jewish but still very much identify as such, and it seems to me that she could have either refrained from including that aspect of her prayer, or warned me ahead of time, so I could have avoided holding hands and thereby implicitly joining in. We’re not going there this year, but if there’s a next time, I plan to let her know in advance that I won’t be participating in any such prayer.
We always do at holiday meals. When the meal is ready, everyone is called into the dining area. We form a circle, hold hands and someone says a small prayer - we have a couple standards. If someone significant is missing, has died or if there is something to especially be thankful for (like someone’s health or a new member of the family, etc.) we add on a comment about that. There are probably about 15 of us and interesting enough, this group includes, Catholic, Jewish, Baptist (I think!) and agnostic. But everyone is happy to participate.
@abasket, every once in awhile when there has been a large gathering of my family, we have done that in the kitchen. Different beliefs and faiths. It was usually my brother or BIL who would say it. I loved those the best. We had one last year with 17 of us. This year, it is just a small gathering. I really wish I came from a large family.
@DonnaL that is just incredibly rude it’s hard to believe. Good for you in not participating!
We pray before every meal, at home or in public (yes, we’re weird). If we have Jewish or non-religious guests, we don’t pray in Jesus’ name.
Our next door neighbors are not religious, but when they asked us over for dinner, they asked my husband to pray before the meal. We thought that was very sweet of them!
Not religious so definitely don’t pray. My brother and his family hold hands and sing grace. They have different ones for different times of year. Not too long. It’s quite charming. We hold hands and sing along to be nice, not because we believe in what we are singing.
When I go to the giant Thanksgiving on my mother’s side of the family. (They do it at the hall of the Unitarian Church.) They always sing “We gather together.”
I do think a song is a nice way to start off a festive meal, just wish there was a good secular one and I was a better singer!
You’re entitled to your feelings, of course, but I think making a show of dropping the hands as if they were on fire is a bit dramatic. Just don’t say amen. You’re holding hands because you’re sharing a special meal. The amen is what signifies the assent, IMO.
By “as if they were on fire,” I simply meant quickly. They were below the level of the table anyway, so it’s not like my action was visible. In other words, there was nothing even a bit dramatic; it’s not like I started making faces! And even if it had been dramatic, so what? Any visible “rudeness” on my part would have been far less egregious and insulting than the disregard for my feelings by someone who clearly should have known better. In fact, I now wish I had said something to her afterwards, but I held my tongue for the very reason that I didn’t want to introduce disharmony to what should be a pleasant occasion. The only person I complained to was my son, privately, later on. I did, right after the prayer, catch the eye of my cousin, who smiled at me in a rueful way that made me think he knew exactly what I was thinking.
And suffice it to say that I strongly disagree with your last two sentences. As far as I can tell, your attempt to parse the significance of various discrete aspects of the prayer is entirely arbitrary…
While I do think it is incumbent upon hosts to make their guests feel comfortable, it would never occur to me that they should change their religious practices in their own home for my benefit. I also think it is incumbent upon guests to give their hosts the benefit of the doubt.
When I have been in situations where my hosts are clearly of a different faith, I have always assumed good intentions, appreciated the expression of gratitude, and simply said my own prayer to myself.
I wouldn’t expect her to change her religious practices either; a warning to me would have sufficed. As I said, she’s known me for decades. In any event, I suspect that what was actually happening that she was changing her religious practices for the benefit of her own relatives who were there. I very much doubt that she and my cousin, as an interfaith couple who did not raise their daughter in either religion, were in the habit of saying Christian prayers at the table on a regular basis, given that my cousin himself still considers himself a Jew, at least culturally, and even visited one of our ancestral towns in Poland (Tykocin) earlier this year.
We don’t normally pray at meals and we don’t at Thanksgiving. If someone wanted to say a prayer I would be fine with that, but it hasn’t ever happened.
Only if one of the relatives who happen to be present is religious…almost always the fundamentalist evangelical Christian relatives.
The rest of the family will humor them out of politeness though some of my non-religious relatives have figuratively rolled their eyes when the prayer inevitably got around to getting those of us who aren’t evangelical Christians to “see Jesus/the light.”
If not, the oldest relative present and/or host will encourage all of us, especially the young ones to dig in and sometimes tell us young ones to not wait for them to start.
We say a prayer when we are gathered with others, and certainly at holiday meals. My daughter is usually called upon to say the prayer, since she is an Episcopal priest. She gladly defers to anyone else who wants to do it, though. We have had Jewish guests and I’m sure the Jesus word was used, and no one ever seemed offended. You take what you need and leave the rest, as they say in 12 step.
I was at a function where they opened with a prayer invoking Jesus’s name. Yes it made me a little uncomfortable. It was a County Board of Commissioners Meeting!
We pray whenever we eat.
The first year my sister hosted a joint thanksgiving dinner for our family and her husband’s I was asked to say grace (I guess laypeople can’t pray if a pastor is around). Her BIL had a coniption fit since he is beyond conservative.