Guilty. We talk often, sometimes she initiates and sometimes I do. I don’t consider it “apron springs” though and I would be offended by that comment. It suggests that my kid is tied to me and can’t make a move without me which is not the case. She is 3000 miles away from home and doing just fine so if we want to catch up, or discuss whatever is concerning her then, there’s no shame in that.
Maybe your BF is a tad jealous? That’s understandable too. My DH never judges, in fact he asks me daily, “So? What are the kids up to today?” As a matter of fact, DH and HIS 80 yr old mom, text and talk daily, you should see the billing statement, it’s a wonder he gets any work done lol. In any event he enjoys his talktime with her and they can talk endlessly about nothing all day so he’s an advocate for kid/parent communications.
Be glad your DD enjoys this too and don’t worry about it. Chances are, it will slow down as the semester progresses anyways.
I don’t think this sounds like too much from her end - it sounds like she’s found you to be great company as she walks between classes. Her friends are probably not as available for phone chats as you - your schedule is probably predictable to her. If she isn’t disturbing your work schedule, I say enjoy the chats.
One of mine fell into a routine of “debriefing” after a day of classes and activities before moving onto study and evening plans. I always thought at the time that this was a sort of transition for him, just a quick way of relaxing and sharing the day before moving on. I also noticed that this was pretty much a one-sided conversation - not much interest in anything I had to say anout my life! But, that was fine with me, I could listen and enjoy. This one still calls frequently with newsy reports of his activities and I still enjoy it.
No, I don’t think you talk too much. As long as she’s initiating the conversation and you both enjoy it, what’s the problem? I would worry more about “cutting the apron strings” if it were you doing all the calling and she - not your boyfriend - was complaining.
My D has graduated from college and has her own high-powered career with friends and responsibilities far away - and she still calls me every day as she’s walking to her car or waiting for mass transit. We chat about inconsequential stuff, but I love to hear about her life. It’s no different than chatting with a long-time friend except that I love and care for her more!
Different amounts work for different people, but what would happen if you were just organically “not there” for a few phone calls? Would she be upset next time she called; would you feel guilty for not answering the phone?
My H and I disagreed on this. He would call the kids every few days to say hello and inquire about their lives. He can be sort of “inquest” though when it comes to asking about what they are doing. I was of the philosophy that they should initiate the frequency of calling and that I didn’t call them unless there was an emergency situation; if I had info needs, I’d just text them or email them.
As long as it works for both of you, I think it’s fine. This may be your daughter’s way of dealing with an environment where she’s surrounded by strangers. Having the opportunity to have substantial conversations with someone she knows well may make the situation less intimidating and lonely.
Don’t be surprised if the frequency of contact drops off during the next few weeks as she becomes more comfortable at college.
Also, if the frequent calls start to bother you, you might want to be unavailable sometimes or even ask her to avoid calling at certain times of day. Your needs matter, too.
no, it’s not too much! If you are both comfortable with the level, it is perfect. People get busy too soon, and time will slip away, Enjoy it while you can Tina!!
Thank you all for your responses. I truly do appreciate them and your insight has made me feel a little better. I am a stay at home mom, so she really isn’t interrupting my day at all. When she was at home, and wasn’t off doing something with her friends, she and I could talk for hours! I am an artist, so she would come into my work area and we’d talk about her day, my day, what was going on with college prep, etc etc.
I agree it’s not “apron strings” because she is very independent and capable of doing things on her own. We just have a close relationship.
It sounds like you have a close relationship, and as long as the talking doesn’t take away from her social relationships and as long as you don’t feel like either you or she are clinging to each other and it is interrupting your lives, I think it is fine. I am not really a phone person, while I can have long, gabbing conversations, I am not one to be one the phone much, but looking at people around me I see people on the phone all the time, so I guess I am the weird one:). Sounds like you guys love to talk, always have, so it doesn’t sound unnatural.
With my S and I, it is generally texting, especially about sports, if he sees something funny he’ll text it to me, or something in the news, and that is how we communicate.
As long as she is sharing her life, and you yours, and it isn’t about you trying to live her life for her, or intrude in it, and she is otherwise happy, go for it.
You know, the ability to talk on the phone while walking from place to place (without it being prohibitively expensive) is a real game-changer. My view is that a lot of kids today essentially view themselves as still being “present” with their extended family because they can connect so easily. How much conversation would be too much if you lived in the same house, or if she lived next door? That being said, two hours in one day is a lot, and will probably drop off significantly as she finds other people on campus to talk to in person.
When I stayed home her freshman year we would talk for days. It has way tapered off, organically. It’s totally fine, unless it bugs one of you, no harm, psychological scar or damage will occur.
Agree with Patsam that her talking with you keeps her from talking and interacting with those around her. I’d assume that as she gets busier and more involved at her U, the talking will be shorter and less frequent. Enjoy it while it lasts, but if it continues to be very long and very frequent, I’d start getting busy and not as avaialble to pick up the phone and engage in prolonged conversations, just for HER growth, so she will reach out to folks around her.
I notice a lot of first-year students walking around my campus looking like they are talking on their phones. It is a security blanket and a way of signalling to their peers, “I may be physically alone, but I am not really alone, so I am not a loser.” Many feel most alone when they are traveling in a crowd, exposed but without the comfort of a pack (especially if they were accustomed to this in high school).
Your daughter may be using you at some level as a security blanket. I would indulge this behavior temporarily but after a while I would stop answering the phone every time she calls (if the pattern continues). It’s likely that she will start to feel more comfortable on campus and she will start calling you less.
I agree with many of the points made. It’s not too much if it works for you, and is not interfering with her social life. And the calls may taper off once she gets adjusted.I’d be more concerned if this level of dependence persisted past the first week. For example, I’d help the first time, but then suggest that she get a physical map and take it with her instead of calling home for directions.
I don’t think there is any right or wrong approach, though. I tended to back off in the beginning to allow for problem solving and independence and after that communication was much more frequent and natural. If we wanted to call or text we would and if they wanted to, they would. I never scheduled our conversations.
I also agree with NJSue that many kids who are walking from class to class or not with someone at that moment, use the phone as a way to appear occupied and not alone. I do have to wonder how many connections on campus no longer occur because everyone’s got their head in a phone!
If you don’t make an effort to cut back on telephone contact with your daughter, is this going to cause a problem between you and your boyfriend? You started this thread by mentioning his observation, but we’ve never gotten back to how he fits in to this situation.
My daughter seems to call me daily either on her lunch break or as she walks to another building. Sometimes it’s just for a few minutes, other times longer. My boys on the other hand usually only call if they need something. If they are in college I ask for a pic of their schedule so that I don’t call or text when they are in a class. Usually a good time to chat with them is when they just get out of a class and are walking somewhere.
It is nice that girls seem to want to keep connected to family but boys are usually a different story with their cell phones. But if she were calling me excessively I would try to get a little too busy to talk all the time. They need to build their own life on their college campus.
I think the amount will eventually go down. While my son never called that much, how often he called and what he called about went down after he got a girl friend… Right now you know her the best so she is calling you but eventually she maybe talking to someone else about stuff on her way to classes.
Are you saying 2.5 hours every day? I guess I’m in the minority that thinks that’s a lot on a regular basis. Ds2 and I are unusually close and may have a two-hour talk once or twice a semester, but not every day. I agree with those who say she wants to look not alone when walking by herself, and how nice that she enjoys talking to you, but still it’s a lot. I wouldn’t say too much, because that makes it sound like there is one right amount, and there’s not. My 2 cents.
Well on the last day of her classes this week, I’ve already only talked to her once and that was briefly. She walked to lunch with someone from one of her classes and then text me once or twice while working on homework in between another class (she’s taking 17 credit hours). So although I miss talking to her, I feel confident that she is making her way on campus and swinging into a social life.
As a matter of fact, DH and HIS 80 yr old mom, text and talk daily, you should see the billing statement, it’s a wonder he gets any work done lol. In any event he enjoys his talktime with her and they can talk endlessly about nothing all day so he’s an advocate for kid/parent communications.