<p>As a college aged male, my parents have absolute trust in me. You may or may not have the same in your child. I’m curious if, the collective parents of this forum, feel that</p>
<p>a) they can trust their own college students</p>
<p>b) are ok with the level of trust they have</p>
<p>People do some crazy things in college.</p>
<p>I try not to ask questions to which I do not want the answer. When my now grown daughter was a teen, by happenstance and intent we learned that when it came to her decisions and actions she did not lie, but she was evasive about her friends and what they were doing. I did not like it but I could understand it…my questions were nosey.</p>
<p>I recognize that people do some crazy things in college. I would not say I have absolute trust in my college age son but I don’t have absolute trust in most anything. I do trust my college student and am ok with the level of trust we have. Often he tells me about things that make me trust him ie situations that have occurred where he made the right decision. When they reach college age you have to trust some, pray some, and let go some. It is a cliche but when you have kids you will understand.</p>
<p>IMHO, there is a difference between being lied to and not having every tiny thing disclosed to you (when you didn’t ask to begin with). </p>
<p>Like many others here, I do not ask for full disclosure from my older kids in terms of every tiny aspect of their personal lives. Their records of personal conduct have been such that I absolutely trust my children to act in proper and ethically upright ways, so I don’t worry about some little stuff, and I don’t tend to “pry.”</p>
<p>Through a rather unique set of circumstances, I have glimpses into my older children’s lives that many do not have. For example, my oldest son’s gf (he’s a college soph out of state) is my oldest D’s best friend, <em>and</em> we have five children younger than he, so for better or for worse, not much goes by that doesn’t eventually get back to me, one way or the other, even if I <em>don’t</em> ask. ;)</p>
<p>Also, I am a touchstone/advisor/mentor for a couple of oldest S’s friends (older daughters’ too), so I get an unusually candid view of college and h.s. life (including personal areas such as alcohol usage and sex lives) that, again , not everyone is privy to (and yes, I have been made to <em>blush</em> on more than one occasion!). </p>
<p>The <em>really</em> weird thing about it is that I do not ask questions, except in the general. There is something about my personality that makes people just open up to me. On more than one occasion I have walked out of a store with a cashier’s phone number because she found me “easy to talk to.” </p>
<p>This is not a recently developed thing, but something that has always been a part of my life, so though <em>I</em> am not surprised by it anymore, many others around me <em>are</em>, and often I get accused of “thinking I know” more about my kids’ lives and the lives of others than I actually do, when the fact is, I actually <em>do</em> know a great, great deal, even when I MYOB, which is always.</p>
<p>All that said (and because I <strong><em>DO</em></strong> have this intimate type of knowledge of the lives of college students), I do not consider my children or the children of anyone else immune from making a stupid, youthful decision. Fact is, none of us is assured of anything, so all we can do is let our children know we believe in them.</p>
<p>It is precisely this BELIEF in my children, this trust, that keeps them on an invisible tether with all of the strength of a wisp of cotton candy. They KNOW I believe in them, have never denied them genuine “from the heart” trust, and for some odd reason, they simply do not want to disappoint me, at least so far.</p>
<p>~berurah, mother of six kids, <em>all</em> of whom I trust completely :)</p>
<p>“to trust some, pray some, and let go some”…
I like that! I trust my S, he has been a good kid and a very good student, but when he doesn’t call, I worry a lot and I make silly possible situations in my head. With my D is different, she is very reserved in the things that matter to all of us, and sometimes I wonder why (she isn’t in college yet, next year I could write about this).</p>
<p>I wrote a long response that ended up sounding “holier…” so I deleted it. Let’s just say that if my kids lie, I’ve never caught them in it. That’s either great kids, or blind mama. Either way, I’m happy.</p>
<p>Love ya binx!!! 
~b.</p>
<p>p.s. I really wish you’d have left your response because I respect you greatly and try to learn from you…</p>
<p>Do I think my kids have <em>ever</em> lied to me? Yes I do … but I believe it is a very rare occurance … and usually when I asked bad questions and cornered them.</p>
<p>Am I OK with that? No, absolutely not</p>
<p>Hopefully I have a relationship with my kids where they know that telling the truth will always be viewed better than lying whatever that truth may be. As others have said I try to not ask questions that put kids on the spot (for example, do any of your friends cheat at school?) … these questions are putting kids in a real bind. I do ask pointed questions about some behavior absolutes (drinking and driving) and expect and believe I get honest answers on these topics.</p>
<p>My parents assume that everything I say is a lie</p>
<p>EliHopeful07, why would you say that? Have you given them reason to believe that? Are you possibly misinterpreting their concern?</p>
<p>My son has certainly lied to me. No, I am not OK with it. I suspect D didn’t lie as much, because she didn’t have as much she felt she needed to lie about. I lied to my parents. “I’m sleeping over at Nina’s house. Of course her parents are there!”</p>
<p>My boys have told me some whoppers in their lives but I have a sixth sense about the inner workings of a mischieveous mind and have been able to catch them at various minor misdeeds throughout their lives. For this reason, they both have a man-up and take your licks attitude–they will fully confess if questioned. Their unusual forthrightness has been noted by their teachers and headmasters.</p>
<p>I’m very sorry to report that most of their friends do not do that because a ridiculous number of otherwise sane parents are overly invested in the ‘perfect’ behavior of their children.</p>
<p>I ran a MI-5 campaign of deception on my parents–and so did most of the college students I knew. I wasn’t writing home about the drugs, sex and rock n’ roll. When I did tell them I was moving in with DH, they nearly had a heart attack and stopped speaking to me for a year.<br>
I should have listened to my DH and continued lying to them. It would have been a mission of mercy. My parents still don’t know half of my story.</p>
<p>I know for a fact that both S’s have lied to me. In all instances it was of course for doing something they knew I would get upset about. In most cases they have suffered consequences for the lie either from me or because it came back to bite them in the butt. It is upsetting but like MOWC, I know I did it as a teenager too.</p>
<p>I caught my son in a relatively benign lie, and now he tells me more than I need to know. Nope, he is not a liar.</p>
<p>His sister is much more of a risk taker, and I am more concerned about her pushing every envelope in high school, including the lying one, than I ever was with him.</p>
<p>They haven’t lied to me about the group sex, if that’s what you mean. 
:rolleyes: :eek: ;)</p>
<p>Mine usually don’t bother to lie. Evidently, I don’t evoke enough respect to be worth the trouble of maintaining a deception. :(</p>
<p>Hahaha, Marian, I was going to say the same thing. Mine don’t bother to lie to me, and sometimes give me TMI. I have shared with them some (not all) of the dumb things that I have done, so they have no qualms admitting to inheriting the dumb gene.</p>
<p>Anyhow, a lie is usually in response to a question. So, yeah, there are probably a few things that I don’t know about, just because I haven’t felt that it was my place to ask…</p>
<p>I’m sure my kids have “glossed over the truth” a few times…or “omitted” details of information. They have learned not to out and out lie…I know too many people who know them. I do not ask a lot of questions, and I don’t expect a whole lot of detailed answers. I’m would venture that my kids are at least as honest with me as I was with MY parents when I was in college:)</p>
<p>A well respected doctor once told me, “Don’t ask a question you know the answer to.” For some reason you are putting the child on the spot and they are forced to lie. My youngest would lie as a small child about stupid stuff after I would ask a question I knew the answer to. For example, I would ask if she had brushed her teeth when I had just been in her bathroom and found the toothbrush dry. Of course she answered she had brushed her teeth, and then I would get mad as she had lied to me and would accuse her of lying.</p>
<p>As far as the kids in college, I just check their IM away messages; that usually gives me all the information I need, and then some!!!</p>
<p>I find the “not your place to ask” funny…you are paying for these students to go to college, no?</p>
<p>I also find the idea that you’re “forcing” them to lie equally funny. Of course, I get the idea, but as a PARENT who is PAYING for their education, do you not feel, in a sense, entitled?</p>
<p>I of course am not positing my own personal views, just trying to exploit the slice of parenthood I get on these forums.</p>