<p>“And Opie: how do you know your kids haven’t done crazier things than you? I wonder why my own parents would think on the subject, and if they are right or wrong.”</p>
<p>Well you’ve got me a bit there. S has attempted with frat buddies to drink a gallon of milk in an hour without throwing up. Evidently a person can’t. The neighbors called campus security because of the laughter. He’s a bio/chem major, so his goofy ideas tend to be science related. It was sorta like the “caker” the kids threw a couple of years ago. </p>
<p>He drinks, I drink. I’m better at beer pong and our father/son team is lengendary on campus during dad’s weekends. If you win, you can stay sober. </p>
<p>No, neither S or D have come close to the choices I made when growing up. They know many of them and I explained what in hindsight what was stupid and if they understood that it was stupid, there was no need to attempt to copy. I covered a lot of ground growing up. “free range” is the term I use. </p>
<p>Our communication is pretty good and they both understand bail money does not come from home. It is also going to depend on what you might feel is something that is wrong. Your outrage over something might just be a minor guffaw to me.</p>
<p>My children were always amazed how much I knew about teenagers. They just assumed I knew what I knew because I taught school; but I only taught first graders!! Little did they know I was a wild child as a teen; they think both their father and I were the class nerds When my youngest told me that, I could not stop laughing for 20 minutes; I had tears rolling down my face and thought I would pee in my pants!! She couldn’t understand what was so funny and she is 18; lets just say she can be a bit dense at times, but we love her just the same!!!</p>
<p>Did I lie to my kids about my teen years-no, but I never corrected them when they assumed otherwise.</p>
<p>My D tells me everything in exhaustive detail, from the last moment I saw her until the present. It’s terrible, because no matter how little I would like to hear about what happened in English, I have to pay attention, otherwise she might stop telling me everything! </p>
<p>Elihopeful: my parents were like that, too. It was a reflection of their own dishonesty more than any actions on my part. I was a good kid, but I could never seem to prove it to them. If it makes you feel any better, we’ve resolved a lot of those issues and have a great relationship now.</p>
<p>Well I was a naughty naughty naughty rulebreaker from the get-go and spent the appropriate hours in detention and groundings in primary and secondary school. The fifth grade teacher got so tired of sending me out to the hall, she moved my desk out there! The principal held me up by the back of my neck and told the seventh grade class that they should not associate with such a bad ‘ringleader’. In desperation, my mother sent me to art classes to keep me out of trouble. </p>
<p>Guess what? Breaking the rules is the whole point of art–and architecture. Destruction is part and parcel of the creative process. Something which is established always gets destroyed in the creative process. Always–otherwise nothing new gets created.</p>
<p>Truth with a capital T is sometimes a victim to the process. As long as you teach your children to value the Truth and strive toward a concept of Truth, I don’t see that they have to treat it as a concrete concept–because it is not. Your truth might not be my truth might not be China’s truth and so on. There is no perfection in life, thank goodness.</p>
<p>There are lies of commission and lies of ommission. I see teens being evasive at times, but I generally knew what they were trying to avoid talking about. It is a very fine line in allowing freedom and privacy and having standards and rules.</p>
<p>Ha! I saw photos months later from an all girls slumber party at our home and realised one of the girls had snuck in booze…why? I never suspected at the time, but knew exactly when it happened, I still don’t understand why she needed to drink at a girls slumber party.</p>
<p>I would describe this situation differently. At some point kids grow into adults and make decisions that may or may not align with their parents beliefs and aspirations for their kids. As a parent asking about my kid’s personal lives about topics over which I have no control and probably will not like their answer will likely lead to one of two results … 1) an argument or emotional pain over the conflict … 2) or the kid lying to avoid this conflict. If I have no control over the situation and my child has not asked for my advice on this topic what good has putting my child into this choice done? … I obviously would rather be told the truth but forcing this discussion is basically a no win situation for everyone involved.</p>
<p>Picking a rather benign example … well after I was in college on a periodic basis my mom would inquire about my church going activities … now, she knew the answer (I never went) and this would lead to a fight and then distance between us for a period of time. I would not lie to her and we had this argument once or twice a year … it certainly would have been “easier” to lie; not that that was an option for me. I guessed she was compelled to return to this topic as she fears for my eternal life but when I owned my choice on this topic starting this conversation guarenteed a bad couple weeks.</p>
<p>And on a much more minor scale the earlier example about the young child’s toothbrush is a great one. For me, as a parent asking my child to confess when I know the answer feels more about “winning” and getting the child to admit something than dealing with the underlying situation … that they develop good dental habits. There is typically a way to get to the root conversation with “testing” my child to see if they will tell the truth or not!</p>
<p>Omitting information: yes. Lying: rarely, and it is usually followed by a confession.</p>
<p>I think kids make mistakes, learn from them, and then don’t want to reveal the mistake because it is embarrassing; it is a lesson learned. When parents are too nosy they may step into situations like this where the kid’s ability to maintain or present an ‘adult’ image is threatened by full disclosure. I try to avoid direct questions/confrontations unless I have reason to believe there is real trouble at hand.</p>
<p>OTOH, if you don’t pry enough you can become very disconnected from your kids’ reality.</p>
<p>I questioned my 15 year old S once about whether there had been drinking going on at a party and he told me there wasn’t any. </p>
<p>He came back downstairs about 10 minutes later, in tears, and told me he couldn’t stand not having been truthful with me; he felt so guilty. He valued that we could trust each other and told each other the truth-- and he was willing to take his lumps to preserve that. </p>
<p>My D made a similar confession over the phone, from college-- ‘mom, I made this mistake but I learned from it and I wanted you to know what happened.’ I would have had no way of knowing any of it had she not called.</p>
<p>That’s why I trust my kids. They are not perfect, but they genuinely care about having integrity and maintaining a close relationship with me.</p>
When my youngest told me that, I could not stop laughing for 20 minutes; I had tears rolling down my face and thought I would pee in my pants!! She couldn’t understand what was so funny and she is 18; lets just say she can be a bit dense at times, but we love her just the same!!!</p>