Do you encourage and/or pressure them to take the subjects you want them to? Do you find yourself nagging them to do something?
You are a student…are you asking because you think your parents do this…or what??
My kids are now grown. I still encourage them to do things that I know they should do – get a flu shot, save, etc. – but they are older so I don’t nag. When they were in school, no, I didn’t pressure them to take certain classes, other than to encourage them to challenge themselves.
@thumper1 Yeah, mainly the nagging. I just showed dad my dorm room like half and hour ago and he just went on and on.
Mine is in college now. She picks her own classes with the advice from her faculty advisors. If it’s between one class or another, she might ask for our opinions but that’s the extent of our involvement.
When she was home we definitely had house rules we expected to be followed. She needed to clean her room and bathroom thoroughly once/month. In between she kept her door closed (it was never neat enough for me). If it wasn’t cleaned, there was no nagging, but she knew it meant not doing anything outside of school until it was finished. She also had family chores. Never needed to nag. She was mature enough to know that she needed to contribute to the running of the family home (and when she was little she loved helping because it made her feel grown up).
How old are you OP?
@momofsenior1 FTIC currently in spring semester. 19 btw.
I hope your parents will realize you are an adult and get to make course selections on your own!
Two things:
- Encourage is a lot different than Pressure. Is the difference in how you are receiving the message?? The use of the word nagging indicates that your perception of the information they are sharing - perhaps their ENCOURAGMENT - is instead negative.
- If you're an adult you will be able to discern between the two - encouragement and pressure. And you will learn how to respond when it's happening. Are you doing that? - responding in a non-negative annoying way???
With one kid I did help her pick classes and organize everything, right up until she graduated. With the other, I didn’t even know what she was taking. With both, I helped with financial aid and other financial matters like taxes.
@abasket I let them talk before politely telling them what my thoughts are, but they just can’t seem to budge themselves from this habit.
And eventually, you’ll find your own right, considered style and figure out how to deal with them as an increasingly mature young adult.
I told my kids early that we will always be their parents. (They’re in their mid-20s now, on their own.) In our case, they like the positives associated with that and forgive an occasional slip like, “You ought to clean your room.” Time brings perspective.
Goodness I sure hope they aren’t an extension of me. Poor them if they are!
:))
I used to lightheartedly say to my friends that I thought I saw a lot of myself in my oldest child…and then add: “and I really don’t like it.”
Some of parental guidance and nagging comes from life experience and wishing to have your children not replicating your mistakes or shortcomings. Maybe it works sometimes. 
We talk, and I give opinions. When they choose another direction, I respect their decision. Sometimes when they choose something else and later learn I was right, they say to each other with a sigh, mummy is right again. They certainly choose their own paths, and in the end, it is their life, and they are interesting, dynamic people, which is all I really ever wanted. I do think stating my opinion is important, as I have made many decisions based on practical advice gotten when young. I also appreciate my kids input in areas that I don’t know much about.
No. I had controlling parents and want not part of trying to do anything that feels even close to that. I’ve probably gone too far in the other direction, but there are plenty of ways to be interactive without nagging or pressuring.
They’re 26 and 29. We’re available to hear them sound things out, answer questions. But even when they were undergrads, they needed to be the ones choosing their direction.
Our son wouldn’t let us. Strong willed, independent son of strong willed, independent parents. You have the power to ignore your parents in many ways, especially when away from home. It does not need to matter how they feel about so many things- you get to choose which advice to take et al. Remember that your parents will always be your parents and in wishing the best for you will forever offer advice. Be sure to not let your striving for independence to interfere with following good advice when given.
In some ways we are all extensions of previous generations. You and your parents are still coming to terms with your adulthood and independence. Relationships do evolve over the years.
This is actually a really interesting question. I don’t think of my children as extensions of myself. I do see a lot of my qualities in them - they share characteristics that their dad and I both have, and so sometimes the lines between us are blurred. I’m not sure how to clearly express this. I do see them as individuals, but the tendency is to sometimes project my thoughts/feelings/experiences onto them. That can be a bad thing, or it can be a good thing - for example, I can empathize with them when they are frustrated about the same things that frustrate me, or I can give them advice to overcome a shortcoming that I also have.
When I encourage one of my children to do something in particular, it’s because I think it would be good for them in some way. Since I only have my own experience to draw from, I’d say I encourage my kids to do things that I enjoyed or have been a benefit to my life in some way, or to do things that I regret not doing. It’s hard, but I do try to remember that they aren’t me, and might not like the same things I do. My mother encouraged/pushed me to play the piano because she regretted never developing that talent enough. I don’t regret taking piano lessons, but I don’t regret eventually quitting either. Not even one bit. My daughter quit dance this year, and that’s been kind of tough for me. I know she’s not going to be a professional dancer, but I miss watching her perform. I do think that I experienced a little bit vicariously through her - but mostly I think it’s just the loss of a really big part of our lives.
While I see a lot of both my wife and myself in our child, she is a very different person. It would bother me to see wasted potential, but, since my kid has a different set of skills and talents than we do, I wouldn’t expect her to follow my path or her mother’s.
As for your father - sometimes parents forget that their kid who is in college is no longer in their house. So, your messy college room has absolutely nothing to do with him, nor is it his place to tell you how it should look. He is just too used to telling you how to keep your room.
Tell him “I love you dad, but one of the reasons that you sent me to college is so this won’t be your problem. Now it’s not your problem, so leave it alone.”
However, I can already imagine my wife biting her tongue so as not to say anything about the mess that our kid’s college dorm room will invariably be…
No, I don’t believe I see the kids as an extension of myself.
What is trickier, for me, is rejecting the notion that everything that is X about your kid is due to their upbringing or somehow a measure of your parenting (or self-worth!).
I really do work hard to let them be themselves, to make their own mistakes, to make their own success, to build their own lives.
Of course, parenting is important, but so are a lot of other things – many of which are beyond our control.
I don’t think I see them as an extension of myself. However, when one of them is hurting or struggling emotionally, I experience some of the same emotions - and at that point, feel the deep bond we share. Each year older they get, the better I am at letting go of the impulse to continue with parenting comments that are no longer my place to share.