<p>I was in Barnes and Noble today browsing through the workbooks on anxiety (looking for something that would be appropriate for my nephew, a HS student whose perfectionism is becoming paralyzing, but that’s another post). One of the books I looked at said somthing along the lines of, a parent who is anxious about his child needs to ask himself why he doesn’t trust the child to find his own path, and why he sees the child as an extension of himself and therefore imposes inappropraite expectations on the child.</p>
<p>For some reason, this has stuck with me for the past few hours. I do worry about my college freshman daughter, not to the point that the worry is disabling but certainly more than is necessary. And being perfectly truthful, I probably do not entirely trust her to find her own path. But I also would have to say that hardly any of my worry does any good, either to her or to me. </p>
<p>Just wondering if any other worrier parents have any similar thoughts.</p>
<p>I did worry about my kids when they were college students, and still worry sometimes about my one grad student, but not so much for the reasons that author mentions. Instead, I’m more concerned about <em>others’</em> actions and how they could negatively impact my loved ones. Does the worry help? Not too much, but sometimes it might prompt me to make a suggestion or buy/send something that could be useful.</p>
<p>As far as finding their own paths, I try not to worry too much and spend more time reminding dh that we made plenty of mistakes in our 20s and 30s that haven’t proven fatal. It gets easier each year, and to be honest, CC has helped. I’ve received some good advice here (whether or not it was meant for me), and it’s appreciated.</p>
<p>I have one of each. One I worry about, and one that I rarely worry about. </p>
<p>I believe in mother’s intuition regarding worry. Sure, there are some overly involved parents out there, but sometimes the worry is justified. I think moms know when their “kid” , however old, is mature enough to be “trusted” and when they’re not, for the most part. When we worry it’s because we know they’re not quite ready for what they’re being thrown into, and we can’t really do much about it.<br>
All parents see their kids as extensions of themselves to some degree. I don’t think that means that we all necessarily impose inappropriate expectations on our children.
But sometimes we do, and we do need to be careful and encourage them to find a path that suits them , not us.
The worry comes with the territory, though–certainly if the kid’s past behavior warrants it. ;)</p>
<p>I used to worry a lot about my oldest, partially, I think, just because she was my oldest, and partially because she was a worrier. (I wonder if this was a vicious circle, at times). I don’t worry about her anymore very much. Every once in a while, I’ll “get a feeling,” but not really very often. She’s a sophmore.</p>
<p>I just don’t worry about my second one at all, though, on paper, you might think I “should” worry more about her. But, she’s so well adjusted. I just know she’s fine, according to her own definition. She used to be a horrible student, and you’d think I would have worried about it, but I never did, for some reason.</p>
<p>Some kids just bring out the “worry” in you. ;)</p>
<p>I have the worry gene. DH says life is easy for him because he never has to worry, since I have that covered. </p>
<p>Actually, what I really think I have is a highly developed sense of anticipation. Usually when I am concerned about something, I have been right. It doesn’t make things easier.</p>
<p>Oh, please. I’ll eat my hat if this “expert” is a parent.</p>
<p>I feel anxious about my son for a lot of reasons, none of which have to do with him finding his path or being an extension of me. From little worries, like someone will break his heart, to big worries, like someone will hurt him because he is gay. </p>
<p>I trust my kid. I don’t trust the world he lives in, not because I have inappropriate expectations on my child but because i have appropriate worries based on experience.</p>
<p>I have one of each also. One I never had to worry about and one that I’ve had to worry about since the first day of school. DH says no need to worry over things I can’t control but I still do it.</p>
<p>My Dh and I each worry but differently. I am more of an analyzer and a worse case scenario imaginer, and I admit I do ruminate more than I’d like to.
He is more of an optimist, but when he gets hit with anxiety, he kind of loses rational thought. Quite a silly pair.
Unfortunately or fortunately, my worries have come true quite often. It is about knowing your kids and a mother’s intuition. I believe my worrying prepares me for the worst and allows me to be pleasantly surprised!
But we have used our worries to prevent further problems by carefully thinking through what we will say and do each step of the way, to help the child motivate herself to do what is best. It does not always work, but often does result in good growth on the child’s part.
I 'd have to say, worry wart that I am, that college life is ironically quite messy and ugly, and I do find it amazing how hard the push is to get to college and the cost, with these kinds of experiences being so sought after and so expensive: drugs, sex, social exclusion, rebellious behavior, rampant drinking, irresponsibility, political grading, weak teaching, mental illness, you name it. It is all around, even if one’s child is not directly involved or affected.
I do wonder if college has become a little world of its own, almost lawless, with not enough consequences or support/guidance, low accountability on the part of the institutions, during a pretty reckless phase in human development… Has this system failed us?
Is this what is college for?
[And we have relatively “good” kids that we trust and know very well!! And we are not helicopter parents… Just worrying from a distance…]</p>
<p>I worry about both kids, for different reasons. Sometimes the worries are probably unreasonable (but could be mitigated if they’d stay in contact and/or answer their phones).</p>
<p>I was a pretty mellow teen. But I know that many teen parents worry because they well remember taking risks that in retrospect were unwise.</p>
<p>I worry a lot. I am fortunate that D is in touch almost every day (text or email or phone) and I am learning not to lecture too much so she will feel comfortable being open with me, but man. I will be relieved (I think) when she is a bit older, graduated, with a job and away from what performersmom aptly describes as the lawless college experience. I feel that college is much more of a free for all than high school. I have been trying to let D make choices and decisions, but it is difficult sometimes.</p>