<p>I think sometimes when our kids (and this goes for adults, as well) share their circumstances, we as parents feel the need to “solve” the problem, when all they want to do is share. When they are talking, it is best to listen, not necessarily move into Super Hero mode. My kids are teens and I have taught H 3 important words: mmm, really, wow. Said with little emotion. Sometimes they just need to vent and talk through the issue.</p>
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<p>This is so true. H also likes to problem solve, I need to tell him to just listen sometimes. </p>
<p>D1 is talker. She likes to vent and talk about everything to death. I think I am the only one who has the patience to listen to her, but I usually just utter those 3 words above, especially when it comes to her venting about boyfriend or her best friend. She always talks to me about any major decision, like work or money.</p>
<p>D2 tends to keep most things to herself. You can´t push her to talk. It is usually when she is more relaxed (after dinner), or when she is really mad about something. I let her come to me.</p>
<p>I bet that made you mad.</p>
<p>That’s a tough situation.</p>
<p>I wonder what can be done about that.</p>
<p>Oh, no, that’s terrible. </p>
<p>You are, really?</p>
<p>I find the above kinds of responses get me further in a conversation with my kids than handing out advice right out of the gate (even if the advice is perfect for the situation!)</p>
<p>Our college age son (freshman) called this past weekend and announced he was applying for a teaching/tutoring job at a Testmasters type of business. (He actually taught an SAT math course this past summer, so this wouldn’t be too far off the mark.) Since he has no car, I asked him where the job was in relation to the campus . He responded that it wasn’t far and he would just ride his bike or take a bus. I mapquested the location; the job was 25 minutes away BY CAR and the bus route would take about two hours each way. Of course, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but really what could I do? Is he going to ride his bike down the freeway in Houston? </p>
<p>And did he appreciate my “opinion”? No, but maybe he will looking back years from now.</p>
<p>I always expected my kids to listen to my opinions – but beyond the age of 12 or so, I did not necessarily expect them to do what I suggested. </p>
<p>It is universally acknowledged that I am often wrong. Why deny them the pleasure of providing them with additional examples? And at the same time, I occasionally suggest something that turns out to be useful.</p>
<p>I’ve used both of these successfully…</p>
<p>“I’ve got some ideas for you about X. Let me know if you’d like to hear them.” </p>
<p>“What alternatives have you ruled out?”</p>
<p>Questbest, did you always listen to and follow your own parents’ advice? Looking back, my mother was right in her opinion about every guy I ever dated. She didn’t like my first husband but I was “in love” and I hated hearing her opinion! Yes, I know now that she was spot on, but I also know that there is nothing she could have said, no way she could have phrased it, that would have made me call off the engagement.</p>
<p>My younger brother is over weight. Every time my mother gets on the phone with him, she nags about his weight, and every conversation ends with an arguement. I get mad at both of them. I tell brother to just listen and not defend. I tell my mother to just leave him along, he is too old to be told what to eat.</p>
<p>What is the most difficult thing for me about being a parent is to stand by and watch your child make a big mistake (causing them to do worse in school because of poor study habits) and then watch them get upset…when I have suggestions that could help them do better (used to study better in high school using these techniques) and they will not hear me out.</p>
<p>What if my suggestions could make the difference between getting into grad school and not?</p>
<p>We are in the midst of that now. S1 (24) wants to buy a condo. DH thinks it’s a bad idea for several reasons and has told S1 his thoughts on it. S1 believes DH is wrong and is continuing to house shop. DH says he will say no more as he has expressed his opinion and the chips will now fall where they may.</p>
<p>What is the most difficult thing for me about being a parent is to stand by and watch your child make a big mistake (causing them to do worse in school because of poor study habits) and then watch them get upset…when I have suggestions that could help them do better (used to study better in high school using these techniques) and they will not hear me out.</p>
<p>I mentioned logical consequences above- because children can learn from the results of their decisions starting from when they are young. appropriately of course.</p>
<p>If people make a big mistake- that is theirs to make- isn’t that their right?
Whose issue is getting into grad school? It should be the student’s , but if you make it your issue, no wonder they are resisting your advice.
It’s ok to trust their judgement- & allow them to make decisions you wouldn’t make.</p>
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<p>Does he want to go to grad school as badly as you want him to go? You’ve just got to put the advice out there once…he can follow it or not. If he doesn’t get into grad school, he will go to plan B. As long as he knows he has to live with the consequences of his actions (and that you won’t bail him out), you’ve done your job.</p>
<p>This is tough because they can’t re-live these days or undo these decisions. But, I believe emeraldkity and missypie are correct. It’s just hard to let go and allow them make their own way.</p>
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<p>I have one who is so self sufficient he practically raised himself. When he needs it, he asks for advice and listens- sometimes takes it, sometimes not, but always does what works best for him.
Then I have another who flounders a lot with decision making, sometimes asks for advice but then argues with us why our advice won’t work. It can be pretty frustrating. However, as one poster said, sometimes it seems like they’re aren’t listening, but they really are. They may come back later with the same idea that you suggested after other things were tried and failed. I think this type of kid puts a lot of energy into “independence”, and feels that they aren’t really grown up if they rely too much on parental help, so we try to respect that.</p>
<p>Are you kidding me??? I’m not allowed to have opinions worth listening to on any subject, even those remote from giving advice. Son, college grad, almost 22, will hopefully mature out of this phase. So- any thoughts on neuroscience (the last topic I wanted to express an opinion on) having developments not heard of since my college days… ( I started with how we used slide rules even in college, saw Los Alamos Bradbury Museum recently with how scientific HP calculator came out in 1972 while slide rules were eons in use before then, display panels went on to current computer tech). Couldn’t get son to listen to my parallel with understanding brain processing/computers. And to think when he was little I looked forward to conversations when he was older, sigh.</p>
<p>My kids seem to care more about “not being told what to do” than to get it right. Any suggestion or discussion on my part is seen as “being told what to do,” even tho I’ve told them repeatedly that all I expect is that they listen to what I have to say…then make their own decisions. BUT they refuse to listen!</p>
<p>My son lets me speak until I’m blue in the face. Does he listen? Not always.</p>
<p>@wis75 OT, but I remember as a kid staring at calculators in display cases in the 70s, and they were pretty pricey. They were the high tech. Funny to imagine now.</p>
<p>there adults now and they want to make their own decisions. Yea its probably tough to let them do so, but they are trying to live life on their own. Maybe its time you let them.</p>
<p>I just say (after intent LISTENING): I have a thought about this. Do you want to hear it?</p>