<p>My kids do not listen to my opinion. They will cut me off and tell me that they do not want to talk about it…It is so hard to watch my kids do something that I know will end badly - but if I insist on telling them what I think it ends in a fight.</p>
<p>I would like to be able to express my opinion and have them really listen and consider what I have to say and why I feel that way, and then make a decision…but when they won’t even listen it frustrates me and makes me feel very disrespected! They say they want to live their own life and not be told what to do…yet as soon as things happen that upsets them they come crying to me!</p>
<p>I try to help them make sure they haven’t missed anything in terms of considerations or options and keep my opinion to myself; they generally arrive at the same conclusions I would–or a reasonable alternative–if they’ve looked at the issue at hand from every angle.</p>
<p>I guess it depends on whether the issue effects you or not. If they are adults, IMO, they don’t have to listen to unsolicited advice, even from a parent. HOWEVER, it is never okay for them to make you feel disrespected and not okay for them to coming crying after the fact if that entails you fixing things for them. If they only want a sympathetic ear…well okay but they shouldn’t expect to be rescued.</p>
<p>If they are adults, I’m of the opinion that one should not volunteer advice unless counsel is actively sought by the person(s) in question*. That’s, of course, not to say that one cannot state direct opinions of the “I don’t think that’s a good idea” or something along those lines. </p>
<p>Attached to that is also the idea that if they never asked for advice or reject advice given without due consideration…they’re responsible for any and all consequences. </p>
<ul>
<li>This is not only to avoid anger at perceived patronization, but also at the possibility of being justly held responsible if the advice given was dutifully considered, followed, and resulted in a severely bad/injurious outcome that could have easily been avoided if the advice-giver had done reasonable due diligence (a.k.a. Not acting like an expert on something one knows little/nothing about.).</li>
</ul>
<p>When she was in high school and didn’t want my direct advice, D was usually receptive to hearing about my experience of a similar situation. She’s more open nowadays, but also I’m better at not giving advice unless asked, or being able to tell when she’s ready to listen. I try to treat her respectfully and ask first – “Do you want my thoughts on this?” – and let it go if she says “No.”</p>
<p>I can relate sometimes. Sounds like they are trying to assert their independence. Keep trying, and be there when they come crying to you. Hopefully, they will start listening or figure it out on their own.</p>
<p>LasMa has it I think.
Our DS is now 25, graduated, and proud that he’s figuring out what he calls this ‘adult stuff’. Stuff like health insurance, student loan repayments, Roth IRAs, etc.
Once in a great while he will enter the room and say something like “so, I got this letter from the bank saying…” That’s his invitation to comment on the situation.
Other than that I try to stay out of his stuff now.</p>
<p>Of course, when he really WAS a kid, ie <18 and even till 22ish, I was a <em>little</em> more involved.</p>
<p>No matter what the age of the “child,” I would always begin with “Would you like my opinion?” or “May I offer a suggestion?” If the answer is no, I save my breath, and respect their attempt to figure it out themselves.</p>
<p>A lot of parents cannot relate to kids and their advice are often irrelevant to what a kid is going through. Many parents did a lot of stupid things when they were younger, but now they have kids it is as if it never happened when they are talking to their kids, and that’s why they roll their eyes and mumble under their breath, “Oh, please.” </p>
<p>What LasMa said about telling her own story to her kid is a good way to bridge that gap. It makes her understand that her mother also went through the same thing and could understand what she is going through. </p>
<p>I read a lot of advice that parents post on CC about drinking, roommate issues, even I think to myself, “Did you do that when you were in college?”</p>
<p>I aslo agree that no matter how you kids feel, they need to be respectful and hear what you have to say, even if they disagree.</p>
<p>If your kids are adults - and I don’t necessarily mean fully financially independent adults - they’re no longer obligated to “really listen and consider what I have to say and why I feel that way, and then make a decision.” I love and respect my own mother, but I’ll often “listen” simply to be polite when I have no intention of considering what she’s suggested because I’ve already made up my mind.</p>
<p>questbest, I think you’re asking for a lot. Your kids should ABSOLUTELY treat you with respect. But in my mind, that doesn’t mean considering what Mom says before making a decision. If they say, respectfully, “I’m sorry, Mom, but this conversation isn’t going to go anywhere so let’s talk about something else” - I’d accept that. Even if they said to me, “Mom, mind your own business” - well, then I’d consider the possibility that I wasn’t minding my own business. Not every aspect of my kids’ lives is my business.</p>
<p>If they said “This again - shut up, Mom!” I’d consider it rude and we’d have a discussion about how to address their mother.</p>
<p>My kids are 19 and 23 (one in college one in grad school). I am a college graduate and went to grad school as well.</p>
<p>Where I want to give advice is usually in situations either where they have not researched something enough and I have more knowledge on the topic than they do, or in situations where their study habits are not giving them the results that they want and there is a better more effective and better use of time…and they do not want to even hear about it!</p>
<p>Where I want to give advice is usually in situations either where they have not researched something enough and I have more knowledge on the topic than they do, or in situations where their study habits are not giving them the results that they want and there is a better more effective and better use of time…and they do not want to even hear about it!</p>
<p>You can’t force them to listen to you.
They are adults & if you haven’t used logical consequences as part of your parenting before this- you may want to start. Take yourself out of the picture & let them experience the results of their own decisions. That’s how people learn. :)</p>
<p>“or in situations where their study habits are not giving them the results that they want and there is a better more effective and better use of time…and they do not want to even hear about it!”</p>
<p>Everyone is different in this respect. Study methods that worked for me, to my chagrin, do not work for my S.</p>
<p>And I’m sure his methods would not have worked for me.</p>
<p>My kids are 19 and 25. My younger daughter has always been pretty receptive to advice and usually asks our opinion on things. She doesn’t always do what we advise, but she usually will thoughtfully listen to what we have to say. My older son is one of those who has to touch the stove to see if it is really hot. He will readily ask for your opinion, but then try to win you over to his point of view. I will say that he has gotten better in the last couple of years, but still, this kid should have been a litigator! My husband has a very hard time dealing with him, this really irks him! So now, when my son asks for his opinion, the first thing his dad says is, “Are you prepared to listen to my opinion and not try to change my mind?”. It doesn’t always guarantee that my son will not, but at least he is forewarned.</p>
<p>questbeast-
Ask your kids why they disrespect you and reject your advice.
Most likely they will reply that you nag, criticize, go on and on about your experiences and they tend to tune you out.
Perhaps you use mealtimes to lecture them while they just want to eat dinner and relax.
Having a “I told you so” and “don’t come to me crying” attitude will further alienate your kids.</p>