Do your parents have a say in your schedule?

College Life
1

Basically what it says in the title. Do your parents have any say in your schedule?

Today, my mom “forbid” me from taking French (which I already signed up for as an elective, along with 4 other gened classes). She said if I still take it, she’ll take all the money from my bank account, won’t allow me to study abroad, and won’t allow me to come home for any reason until moving OUT day. On a similar note, she “forbade” me from taking two foreign languages at once - which I’m not doing right now, but I was planning on doing later on.

Now I have to change my schedule which was already a complete pain to organize. I was really excited to take French (and excited for college, in general) but I guess I’ll just be taking 5 geneds that I don’t care for… I’m starting to dread the start of college.

I’ve heard some cases of parents getting mad over their kid’s major, but so far, I’ve never heard of a parent getting so offended over an elective. Has something like this ever happened to anyone?

2

Is there anymore to this story – like you were going to take French instead of something like math? Does French not count toward your degree requirements and your mom just wants you to take courses that actually matter for a degree?

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@CheddarcheeseMN No, I’m taking math this semester anyways. My advisor told me that since I’m taking 4 general education classes anyway, that it’d be okay to do an elective. Some of the upper level French classes actually count towards general education credits (like Humanities) so that’s what I was thinking about doing.

My mom told me that she thinks foreign languages are useless and that’s why she doesn’t want me to take it. She literally told me to take any other elective.

4

Foreign languages are far from anything useless. Learning any language is good for your brain to keep it alert, speeds up your mental processing, and even improves problem solving and logic.
Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous that your mother is telling you all these threats over an elective. You’ll be taking the course, not her. If she’s paying for your college, I some what understand, but she needs to be understanding of your choices, and your college career. Taking classes you don’t actually want to do is miserable, and sometimes you give them less attention, won’t want to even show up to class you have no interest in, which can result in lower grades/lower GPA.

5

You can sign up for any classes you want and it’s not as if she can call the college and tell them to not let you take a class, but she can punish you, if she wanted to, I guess, if you didn’t listen to her. Why not just tell her you dropped it but actually enroll in French? She won’t be able to find out your schedule unless you showed it to her yourself.

Some colleges require students to take a foreign language…does yours?

6

She is aware that many college have foreign language graduation requirements, right? Foreign languages are not useless; quite frankly its scary that your mom believes that. Has she told you why exactly she thinks foreign languages are useless. After basic math and communication skills in your native language (ie english), foreign language skills are some of the most useful and rewarding skills to have.

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“Some of the upper level French classes actually count towards general education credits (like Humanities) so that’s what I was thinking about doing.”

TELL HER EXACTLY THAT.
Tell her that if she WANTS you to GRADUATE, you will HAVE to fulfill the colleges gen education requirements. Neither she nor you have control over that! She needs to butt out and if taking a FL is the way your advisor suggests you meet those requirements , then do so!
:open_mouth:

8

You might want to transfer your money to a bank account that she doesn’t have control of if that kind of threat is common.

9

Thanks everyone for your responses!!

@astrophilia Thanks astrophilia, and yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking. When it comes to electives, why take classes that you don’t care for? And it’s true that she’s not taking the class so I don’t get what her problem is. I’m actually supposed to pay for college so she can’t hold that over my head.

@CEM527M Thanks CEM527M. I wish I could do that, but the whole reason this came up was because my mom asked for a list of textbooks I needed and a copy of my schedule (in case she needs to call me or something) so I don’t think I can lie about this. And yes, I’m required to take an elementary and intermediate level of a foreign language. I told her this, but now she’s just angry (at my school) that they’re have a foreign language at all. I don’t know how she expects me to graduate without fulfilling a requirement.

@guineagirl96 Thanks guineagirl96, and yes, I told her that - now she’s mad at that a foreign language requirement exists. And I agree, I actually don’t understand why she thinks foreign languages are “completely pointless” considering that she isn’t even a native English speaker herself. I know two reasons she thinks learning foreign languages is pointless though - 1. b/c a lot of people speak English to some degree and 2. b/c she says it’s “not impressive” >.> She also said that I have no connection to France (I don’t have relatives there and I’m not of French descent) so I have no reason to learn the language.

@menloparkmom Thanks menloparkmom. I’ll tell her that again if she brings it up. I told her that at one point, but she was busy screaming at me so I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t process that.

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That’s funny because when I signed up for classes at A&M they wouldn’t LET parents be present when the student made their schedule. Granted my parents weren’t there at orientation but still this sounds like a terrible situation OP :frowning:

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“Now she’s mad at that a foreign language requirement exists”
that’s HER problem, NOT yours.
EVENTUALLY she is going to have understand that she will NOT have control over your future.

But until then, understand her need to try to stay connected to you. She is afraid of how lost she will feel when you are really gone to college. As a reformed Helicopter parent I understand than and suggest that you tell her that you will stay in touch with her! Then do so. It will help her to let go .
The sooner she realizes that she has not “lost” you- the better for both of you!!

12

Has your mom been controlling the details of your life for a long time, or is this a new thing that might be related to her realizing she is losing you as you move away? It might help to understand what the underlying issue is behind her outburst.

It sounds like you HAVE to have a foreign language eventually, but maybe it is better for your relationship with your mom if you pick another elective for this first semester. If she is just freaking out because the reality of you leaving is so close, then a little time might allow her to relax on this crazy point about language.

Are you set on French, or is there any other language offered at your school that might be a better choice in your mother’s eyes? I know that is not how you should choose a language, but in the big picture could you sacrifice and pick a language that might have some usefulness (in her eyes) ?

I suggest you find ways to communicate with your mom regularly without playing into her obsessions. If she has been very controlling over your entire life, she may want you to text after every class, she might interrupt your class by phoning you and then assuming you are dead because you didn’t answer your phone, etc. Be proactive in this area, think through ways you can communicate at times that work better for a college student, and be sure to communicate enough so she knows nothing bad happened to you.

Some students try to be SO obedient to their parents when they go off to college that it inhibits them from forming friendships, joining clubs, etc. I have read stories here on cc of children whose parents want them in their room for the night by 9 pm every night so the parents know they are safe. Figure out how often your mom needs to hear from you (before she would start calling the college to have them check on you!!) But if her needs are still oppressive, just don’t answer the phone all the time. A quick text “I am walking into class now” or “in a study group now” might appease her need to track you down.

I admit that I wanted to know my D’s exact schedule her first semester. I eased off second semester, and now I have no clue about her classes. She will mention things,

Set a weekly time to skype or other techy way to let her see your face. We like Sunday afternoons to “see” our college kid. And send her a handwritten note your first week of classes thanking her for raising you well. If she has driven you crazy, it might be hard to think of things to say, but find something specific that you can tell her you appreciate. Getting that note from you could be a significant way to ease her fears.

13

Same at my school. Parents aren’t allowed to be near their children during the scheduling of classes.

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@BlooYou1 Thanks for your response - and same here, parents weren’t allowed to be around students when they made their schedules. She didn’t really care when I told her my schedule when I got back from orientation, but now she’s really mad. Hope you have fun at A&M! :slight_smile:

@menloparkmom Thanks again, menloparkmom! I sure hope that she won’t try to exert control over me in the future. And yes, I’ll definitely keep in contact with her through skype :slight_smile:

@powercropper Thanks for your response. To be honest, my mom isn’t really controlling most of the time, but she is extremely judgmental and quick to jump to conclusions. My mom told me that she wants me to have my own “freedom”, but has told me that there are some things that are completely out of the question.

Right now, I’m still looking at other electives. But I’m in a tight spot b/c I had a late orientation (so I had a smaller selection of classes) and I have three required classes that I’m not allowed to drop (due to certain policies), which is making it nearly impossible to find an open class that I’m allowed to take and doesn’t conflict with my schedule.

My mom has a problem with French but she also has a problem with foreign languages in general, as I said above. She just thinks it’s a useless skill. She doesn’t think any language (other than English) is useful. I thought that she might be happier with me taking German (even though it’s not my first choice), but when I asked, she was equally angry.

Thanks for reminding me about communications, I keep forgetting to set up Skype on her computer before I leave. I’ll probably miss her more than she’ll miss me, so I’ll keep in touch with her through Skype, at least. And that’s a nice idea about a handwritten note - I’ll bring some cards with me to college. Thanks for your helpful reply! :slight_smile:

15

It sounds like you might have to keep your French course, since you can’t get another class to fit that time slot. I would suggest you let your mom know you are “trying” to shuffle things around. And that once you get to campus you will go find your advisor and talk it over. So she will have the sense that you are doing all you can.

You may have to end up taking the French class, or what will it do to you if you drop it and don’t replace it? Will you still be a full time student? You may have to make a tough choice in the end to go ahead and take the French class.

16

Oh god, that sounds terrible.

I would say it depends on the type of background you come from. I would say that tiger/helicopter parents would be a nightmare to deal with. Then again, many “normal” parents could try this kind of thing, provided they part at least a noticeable part of a student’s college education.

That is where being the son of immigrants helps people like me- they have only a vague idea of what my major is, so they give me free range, which is nice. Sorry for your situation, OP.

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@powercropper Thanks for your help, and yes, that’s what I’m doing right now… I told her that I’m trying to find something else. I actually am trying to find something, but it’s difficult - especially since it’s August now.

And if I drop French, then I won’t be a full time student anymore - so that’s out of the question. I’m taking 15 credits - French is a 4 credit class so without it, I wouldn’t be a full-time student (12 credits: full-time). That will create huge problems. The advisors at my school wouldn’t let anyone get away with taking 14 credits (everyone has to do 15-16 credits), so they definitely won’t be okay with me doing 11 credits. My mom asked if I could just drop French and when I told her this, she accepted that I can’t do that.

My mom’s okay right now, but I’m afraid she’ll get angry again in the next week because I do need the textbook eventually. Recently, she apologized for the threats, though she said she’s still not happy about it. I guess this may work out.

18

you know you can buy used textbooks really cheap online, dont you?
http://lifehacker.com/5618881/five-best-places-to-buy-cheap-textbooks

Just find out what the book’s title author and isbn is, plug it in and save $$$!
US law requires colleges to post the required textbooks for classes in advance so students can buy them ahead of time [ and for less $$ ] than on registration day at the college bookstore.
DONT buy it at the college bookstore! There is NO NEED to pay hundreds of $$ for a book!

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@NotYetEngineer Thanks for your reply! I agree that tiger/helicopter parents would be a nightmare to deal with. I’m lucky that my mom hasn’t done anything to the extent of a stereotypical tiger mom. She used to be a helicopter mom when I was younger, but it was more to make sure I was not slacking off. In high school, she was hands-off.

And that’s pretty nice that you have more free range in regards to your schedule! Thanks for your sympathy, hopefully this will work out :slight_smile:

@menloparkmom Thanks again for your reply and the link! :slight_smile: I was planning on buying my textbooks from Amazon. The French textbook costs about $270 (which scares me). And yes, I have been searching for this textbooks online and I actually couldn’t find it at a reasonable price until just now. I definitely will not buy any textbook from the college bookstore.

One problem with this specific French textbook is that I need the “access code” that comes with the book so I either have to buy a new copy (with the code) or a used copy and pay $80 for the code itself. I think I may have found a new copy for a decent price, I just hope it’s the right one. Thanks for all your help, menloparkmom! :slight_smile:

20

UPDATE:
it seems that my mom has had a change of heart. She said that she accepts me taking French and won’t try to stop me from taking it French - so it seems that everything’s worked itself out. thanks, everyone! :slight_smile: