<p>Do your close relatives vacation in remote countries or off-grid to islands and boast, “I can’t be reached”? A few of mine do, and it drives me nuts. I try to explain I’m asking “for life/death emergency situations only” but they insist they don’t want to hear from home while away. </p>
<p>Are these pleasure trips so inviolate that they can’t be burdened with life/death family news? I’m speaking of emergencies only - a grandparent death; serious injury to one of their own sibs or adult children, big damage to their home, that kind of thing. </p>
<p>I would want to know in real time, and decide whether to return. I trained my own young adult children my way. Other adult relatives evidently have other philosophies, summarized as “nothing will happen” and “what will be, will be.”</p>
<p>When do you think it’s acceptable to be completely unreachable?</p>
<p>We went on a recent trip where we really were not able to be reached directly at times. We left out itinerary details with a couple of close relatives and told them to contact the american embassy if there was a crisis.</p>
<p>Well, I have mixed feelings because of a personal experience. Our last big family vacation, my then 16 year old daughter’s boyfriend was killed in an accident while we were away. Several people tried to figure out how to get hold of us, before one close friend suggested leaving it till we got back. I have always been somewhat thankful they did not contact me. I would have been in a true between a rock and a hard place situation if i had known. Would we have told her and destroyed the vacation. She adored him and i was very fond of him. Can you imagine what the remaining 4 days of our trip would have been like (I don’t think insurance would have covered us as the death was not an actual family member). Or not told her and had her been furious with us. I am soo glad I did not have to make that choice. And her knowing would not have gained her anything - his parents donated his organs and then had him cremated before his sister in the next state could even get back to see him (I think not seeing him made it much harder to accept).</p>
<p>On the other hand, she (and we) would have been spared the horrific experience of finding out about his death by cell phone while waiting in line at security in Miami airport.</p>
<p>But if someone I cared abut was seriously ill and finding out about it would give me a chance to say a last goodbye, then …</p>
<p>So I don’t know. Like I said, mixed feelings.</p>
I think it’s acceptable anytime there’s not a known potential imminent issue such as a very ill family member, etc.</p>
<p>I’ve been completely unreachable for days to weeks in the past but it was just circumstance - not trying to do it. I didn’t boast about it though - it was just the way it was.</p>
<p>It’s only been in the last few years, since the advent of the cell phone, that we’ve reached the level of accessibility we’re used to now and even then there are areas of the country where they don’t work such as in the mountains, underwater, in the middle of some deserts, some other countries, etc.</p>
<p>In reality, there’s little the traveling friend/family can do anyway if there’s a sudden emergency at home other than cancel plans and return but it might take a couple of days to return so that person having the emergency at home had better have a good backup plan.</p>
<p>I don’t think we should live our lives feeling that we have a need to be tethered at all times on the off chance someone might want to contact us. Being willing to be ‘off the grid’ for times is liberating and allows one to do more than they could do if they constrained themselves. Given that, I usually wouldn’t purposely go ‘off the grid’ just for the sake of it but I don’t get 2376 text messages or calls a day so it’s not distracting to me.</p>
<p>I think some of the text-tethered people today, people my kid’s age, need to turn the darn cell phones off every now and then and actually go more than 10 minutes in their lives without responding to texts/calls.</p>
<p>After the passing of spouse’s Mother, and having a remaining parent that is nearly 85 and living alone, we now make sure everyone has our cell phone numbers, etc. when we go out of town. We did not used to divulge too much exact info, but kind of feel like now that elderly parents have impacted us, it is somewhat essential to inform siblings of our plans.</p>
<p>I kind of agree with Swimcatsmom. I went on a Hawaii vacation to get away(after my mom passed away) but I wasn’t able to escape because Princess Di had died that same week we were on vacation. We spent our time watching TV. Depressing.</p>
<p>We always make sure that close family and work has a number or hotel number for us wherever in the world we will be…neither will call unless it is urgent. We did this even in the days before cell phones were stuck to our hips. If something terrible happens I would not want to finish my vacation first…</p>
<p>If you need to know because there is action you can take that will help the situation, then you should be contacted.</p>
<p>If a bad thing happened at home but it’s over and done with, what is the need to let you know??</p>
<p>Thirty years ago, DH and i went on vacation and did not leave our contact info. My MIL had a heart attack while we were gone. There was nothing we could have done; she was in good hands; there was no need for us to know.</p>
<p>This actually just happened to us. My great-aunt passed away last week (two weeks ago now?). My uncle is nowhere to be found. He and his family often take very long vacations off the grid. I still don’t know if he knows or not, but he definitely missed the funeral, which he probably would have gone to if he had known. </p>
<p>Then again my family is NOT close at all so no surprise. I’m sure many people knew where they were, but not family. I’m not sure if any of my family members would know how to get ahold of us if we decided to go off the grid for a while. We surely wouldn’t think to tell them. Close friends would know though.</p>
<p>I kind of think the same as Gladgraddad–the ability to reach someone instanteously is a very new situation. We got through these moments before texts, cell phones, and email, and no doubt we still can. A bunch of years ago, I was a hit by a car and injured pretty badly. Mom was on a cruise with friends at the time; rather than try to track her down and ruin her vacation, my sister, with my backing, waited to tell her till she was home. There was nothing she could have done in the meanwhile.</p>
<p>When my kids travel, sometimes they are out of reach; sometimes there were not planned itineraries. The best I could do if I necessary is to leave an email message and hoped they’d check it. That seems reasonable to me.</p>
<p>I can always reach DH on his work crackberry anywhere in the world via a local number, unless he happens to be on a plane. He does a great deal of travel, so we have a routine. When we were just out of the country on vacation, I left detailed itineraries with my BIL, parents and a close friend. While we didn’t have to contact anyone re: an emergency then, we did a little over two weeks later. Made me glad I had prepared the itinerary.</p>
<p>When we did have to contact S1, he hopped on a plane within a few hours (as soon as he arranged things with profs, as it was reading period/finals at his school and this was his final quarter). A good friend picked him up at BWI and took him straight to the hospital.</p>
<p>While I was still unconscious when he arrived (and remained that way for some time), I was %$#@ glad he was there.</p>
<p>I am firmly in the camp of having more info rather than less, and and thank G-d if I don’t need it.</p>
<p>Just spent 2 weeks in Europe with cellphone which we only turned on every day or two to check for messages and email check every day or two depending on web access. It felt nerve-wracking at times to be ‘out of touch’, but I would remind myself that it was OK. The only concern was DS left in the States and possible problems that could come up with rentals that we left in the hands of a capable ad sensible 19 year old. </p>
<p>While being constantly connected is not my idea of a good time, I do prefer to be able to be reached if there is an emergency (about which I can do something or make decisions regarding). If others choose otherwise, it doesn’t bother me. I assume someone is empowered to take care of problems if one arises, and if their house burns down, chances are I won’t be the one the fire dept contacts.</p>
I’m with CountingDown. I find it difficult to be off the grid. 2 years ago we were on an Alaska cruise with the family contingent, and I was waiting for news from my advisor, so checked email at every port - public libraries are free, ship computers not so much. </p>
<p>Would definitely want to know if there were an emergency at home. It should be up to me/H to decide if there is anything we can or want to do. I don’t see that as being someone else’s decision to make.</p>
<p>I’m grateful hear these perceptions that differ from my own preferences. I’m sure I know what I’d want, but am struggling to understand my relatives’ POV, so different than my own. Thanks for sharing stories.</p>
<p>VH - your post made me think. Why do I “need” to tell them when they don’t want to know? Perhaps it’s because it’s so different than the way everyone in our family behaves when home and in place. Then, family crisis news circulates with warp-speed; people recite how they heard and at what time; and if someone didn’t get called speedily they protest that. These same people now take the opposite stance because they’re on vacation. Maybe that’s why I find it disconcerting. My need is this: to know we’re all “on the same page” and functioning as one family through a crisis. Even if nobody comes home and there’s nothing to “do” or decide, the rest of the family has a sense that everyone’s heart and awareness is unified. If there’s a death, the grief is shared. </p>
<p>But I guess this type of news wrecks vacations, not that it doesn’t also wreck the week for those home in place. For a normally close family to weather a crisis with one key family member not in the know, even around the globe, just feels weird!</p>
<p>P3T–In my mind, it’s not so much that “vacations shouldn’t be wrecked” as that for some people, not all by any means, acting to account for possible tragedy at all times would be stifling. The idea of needing an itinerary would change the way many people approach life; the same with the idea of having to check in all the time. it’s not so much the possible vacation loss, as the warping effect the necessity of availability is perceived to cause. That could be another kind of loss.</p>
<p>I think it’s all right. Even when an emergency arises.</p>
<p>Last January, my mother died while I was traveling with my family in the Middle East. I was in touch with my sisters by cell phone for 36 hours. It didn’t change the outcome–she died while we were in the air on our way home–and even if I had gotten there before she died, that wouldn’t really have changed the outcome either.</p>
<p>If something calamitous happens while your relatives are away and incommunicado, that will be unfortunate. But the real calamity will be the thing that happens, and not the fact that you have to wait a few days to tell the relatives who chose to be beyond reach.</p>
<p>I keep a phone in my purse but I can’t hear the ringer. I don’t want to be accessed until I am ready to check for missed calls and texts. On vacation, it is off. I do check now and again when I am in range of a signal. It is nice to be able to be in touch but not 24/7. Not interested. So I guess I am one of those who can’t always be reached. If I drive up to the mountains for lunch, there is no signal. Many places in the U.S. have no signal. I used to go to a family camp in the Sierras with no signal. It was nice. Bears, trout fishing and no signal.</p>
<p>Years ago when my parents were frail, my sister and I had an agreement that if something should happen when one of us was on vacation we would wait to tell that person when they got home. We dd not want our vacations ruined either and figured the time spent with our parents when they were alive would be more important than after they died. Maybe that sounds cold but both parents were in ill health for several years.</p>