Does dealing with death ever get easier?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Hi there,</p>

<p>My family and I have been going through a pretty rough time lately, and I guess I’ve just started to really feel the pressure. This all thankfully hasn’t affected my studies too much, but it does veer into that territory, so I thought I’d seek some advice on here.</p>

<p>To start, my paternal grandmother has been in the hospital on-and-off for the past month and was finally diagnosed with stage four liver cancer that started in her colon. There’s nothing they can do for her since she’s so old and already so weak from all of the effects, so we’re just trying to make her as comfortable as possible. She’s been home for a week now and has gone downhill dramatically to the point of being hardly able to move her head and speak. We have her in hospice care, but we don’t know how long she has left except that it won’t be very long.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, my aunt (her daughter) also has stage four cancer that started in her colon and is getting treated for it and will hopefully overcome it, and my father had (and lost to) stage four lung cancer a few years back. This ultimately all just feels like an awful nightmare that’s repeating itself, and it also makes me feel scared since all these people in my family are getting cancer.</p>

<p>I’m set to leave for Montreal in a couple of months for a 3 week study abroad trip, and the timing naturally couldn’t be any worse. I feel so guilty when I think about going off and having the time of my life when people who are very dear to me are stuck here dealing with all this sickness and sadness. I’m in no way backing out of the trip since it’s opportune and possibly the only study abroad experience I’ll ever get, but I still can’t help my feelings of guilt and selfishness. I’ve been helping out my aunt and have been caring for my grandma the best that I can, and I feel like I’ll just be running away from all my responsibilities when I leave for Montreal.</p>

<p>In the end, after my father died, I knew that I had toughened up and that I came out of the ordeal as a stronger person, but now with my grandma, I feel just as weak and vulnerable as I had been before. I’m assuming that this is completely normal and that even those of us who went through it all before can relapse back to those painful moments, but does there ever come a time when this all will become easier? Will I one day have the strength to hold back my tears and stop beating myself up over everything that I do and how that affects the family?</p>

<p>I don’t know if this question can even be truly answered, but I appreciate your time for reading this. I know many of us have suffered the wrath of cancer in one way or another, and I guess I’d just appreciate any advice on how to cope.</p>

2

<p>I’m so very sorry. Hugs.</p>

3

<p>"…now with my grandma, I feel just as weak and vulnerable as I had been before."</p>

<p>No, it doesn’t get easier. Each time is hard. Depending on the person, it can feel as though you’ve never dealt with death at all before.</p>

<p>Small comfort, I know. But knowing that things are bad, and that you just have to muddle through as best you can, really does help.</p>

<p>Who, besides you, is telling you that the study abroad is selfish? I’d bet that grandma (at least) would want you to take advantage of everything that life has to offer you. Go. Have that adventure. Be sad when you need to, but enjoy as much of it as you can.</p>

4

<p>You have a few months before you go. Find a therapist. Really. It will help.</p>

5

<p>

Try to see this from a different perspective. We were SO proud of our son for going abroad for a semester and traveling around and having a great experience. He helped to earn the money to pay for it all and had the courage to leave his family, friends, and comfort zone and GO. Lots of people don’t have that. Your grandmother and aunt are probably very proud of you and excited for you to go and LIVE. </p>

<p>For now, if you spend time with them you can talk about how excited you are, ask for travel advice, etc - including them (or the aunt at least) will give them something to think about besides their own misery. Make this a plus for everyone, rather than a minus, dear.</p>

6

<p>Go to Montreal and have the best time possible! You are not running away from your responsibilities. If you are there for your grandmother and aunt now, before you leave, that’s great. If you provide some emotional support for your mother while you are traveling, that is great, too. You can send messages to your grandmother and aunt while you are traveling as well. Although you will be busy with study abroad and the opportunities it brings, if you can set aside a bit of time to keep in touch with your family, that will probably help you feel okay about being away.</p>

<p>To answer your underlying question: No, I don’t think it ever gets any easier. I thought a while ago that I had made my peace with mortality. Instead, I find that I just had an interval during which I wasn’t losing anyone close to me. Every loss hurts. Every life is precious. </p>

<p>I echo the sentiment of sylvan8798 above: “Your grandmother and aunt are probably very proud of you and excited for you to go and LIVE.” Excellent advice.</p>

7

<p>OP, I’m impressed with your maturity. My grandmother, who I was very closed to, ended up in the hospital for the last time halfway through my senior year in high school. I was SO self-absorbed that I didn’t act very well around my parents. One time, I told my mom, “Geez, it’s like a morgue around here!” and stomped out of the house. Yikes! I agree with the others - express your deep sorrow to your family, then go and live your life. You WILL make them proud!</p>

8

<p>Death and coping with it doesn’t change…it is different. The thing that kept me going after I lost both my parents (a few weeks apart) was the fact that I had 3 children and a husband who “needed” me. And something that my mother tole me: People should die in order. The worst tragedy is when a child dies. If you fall apart after our deaths I will have done an awful job as a mother. </p>

9

<p>Thank you for all the insight and encouragement. I really appreciate it :slight_smile: it’s hard right now, but I know that I’ll one day feel better.</p>

10

<p>Hi everyone. I just wanted to update and say that my grandmother passed away two weeks ago and that my aunt has had some success with her cancer treatments. We’re all hanging in there even though it can be hard sometimes, but we’re all healing and getting through it. We know my grandma isn’t in pain anymore and that she’s reunited with my grandpa and father, so that gives us the kind of closure that makes us feel better about it. </p>

<p>Additionally, everyone in my family is excited for me to go on my trip, and I am, too. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>Thanks again for all the support! </p>

11

<p>The people we’ve lost are always with us. Your grandmother is happy you’re going to Montreal. Enjoy!</p>

12

<p>I am so very sorry. For some of us, yes, dealing with some deaths can get easier, and it can also get more difficult. I know that my father’s death was a very tough go for me and for my brothers. Though he was in pain and discomfort, so that there was a lot of peace and end of a terrible time when he died, not one of us wanted him gone, and we still feel his absence acutely. I still get the ache and sadness when I think about him.</p>

<p>Some years later, one of my children was dxed with high risk leukemia and given an 50% chance of being alive in five years. Though he responded well and quickly to treatment and his prognosis was upgraded, the very experience of having ones world shattered with such a thing for a 5 year old, and spending the time I did with children with cancer and other life threatening situations, affected me terribly. I have a greater fear of death and thinking about it, regarding my children, having been so thoroughly shown how little control I have over even keeping them alive. But I also hardened quite a bit, and don’t have the same feelings I did about others dying, particularly the elderly. I think seeing sweet, wonderful, helpless, innocent babies and children who did nothing to find themselves so ill and dying really hardened me to those who have lived longer and harder. These kids hardly had a chance to live. Also, I unequivocally, offered my own life in exchange for my son’s to whatever powers to be as did many other parents, not that the offers were taken. But there is that feeling of seeing the worst thing in the world to happen right there as a possibility that hardened something in me. My own life, other lives seem to pale when one sees these little ones suffer and, a number of them die. </p>

<p>So, yes, these days, I don’t fear death for myself, or my mother, MIL and most adults and I find dealing with adult death easier, but I don’t wish what inured me to that point on anyone Terrible, but yes, there are things worse than dealing with some deaths, and when that thoroughly makes itself evident, it can make a difference.</p>

<p>Some times it’s not such a terrible thing to grieve over others. Though there is pain still with my memories of my father, I don’t think that the pain and impact, emotional depth of feeling would be there, and won’t be for my mother when she passes, if she goes before I do, because the depth of fear and pain that I felt when my son’s life was threatened came to a depth that surpassed that and more. So my father’s memories, in part because of the grief and depth of loss, will have a certain special place. I am sorry that I’ve become as inured as I have about deaths, as though it is a loss of some humanity in me. </p>