It’s a good question – and so many interesting thoughts on this thread, including:
-pandemic - yes, I think it’s changed the social dynamic
-smartphones - yep, there’s a lot less informal chit chat and getting to know new people these days
-just 12 months - at the end of sophomore year, it’s really only about 12 months in college (with all those breaks) to make close friendships, and some kids just take longer (or remain closer to childhood friends through Facetime, etc)
-anecdotes - here in CA, I have seen kids come home to visit family often instead of hanging on campus over the weekends or during spring breaks (wondering if it’s harder to leave the nest post-pandemic?)
If your student seems to be doing OK and not complaining about spending time alone, then perhaps all will be fine? (PS - my closest friends today are either from high school or people I met post-college!).
I don’t have any helpful advice, but just wanted to say thanks for posting this and asking about it. this is a worry I have about D26 (who’s finishing up sophomore year in high school). D26 is really introverted. Hates big social get-togethers. Won’t go to school dances (but, really, that’s ok and not a big deal). At school, she’s got 1 or 2 solid close friends, but that’s it. She has about 3 other friends who attend other high schools (kids who she was buddies with in the past but those kids moved to other schools and they’ve kept in touch since then).
So it’s because of all this that DH & I have decided that getting engaged on campus is going to be important for D26. She needs to live on campus, in the dorms for 1-2 yr.
How to do small talk with people you’ve just met is definitely something that D26 is nervous about. She asked me about it recently. I told her the conversation formula/script that all of my dorm-mates & I used back in the stone age when I was in college, explained it to her, and she said, “That’s it? That’s pretty simple.”
When the time comes, I’m going to suggest she follow Harlan Cohen on Instagram because he has all sorts of great life advice for college students. I’m tempted to get her 1 of his books, but she hates reading stuff for fun, so it’s more likely to be a paper weight than anything else.
D26’s social battery gets depleted faster than her sister’s does. And she’s more content to be alone than the average teenager out there. She plays games online w/her close friends (I can hear her laughing & talking to them sometimes). I told D26 that in college, sometimes you have to try a few different things out before you find your “crew”. And what’s important is to keep trying. Don’t give up and don’t get discouraged.
When D26 & I were discussing this whole topic recently, she even said to me, “Don’t worry, Mama. I’ll find my people in college. I only really need 1 or 2 really good friends. I don’t need an army of people. I know you worry about it. You’re a mom. That’s what moms do. I’ll figure it out.”
OP- just want to give you a virtual hug for starting therapy.
It’s a scary big step until you realize (if you are clicking with your therapist) that the goal is to give you the tools to navigate the issues/problems/concerns in your life that are problematic-- NOT to pass judgement on how you’ve handled them in the past.
And it’s not a life sentence. I remember vividly the day I rode the elevator down from my therapist’s office thinking “I might be done”. I sat with the decision for a few days. And now when I hear her voice in my head I smile. She taught me how to be my OWN therapist!!!
Big big hug for taking a healthy step for your own peace of mind!!!
I too am surprised how little my kids do with friends outside of school. My guess is that they are a little outside of the norm but that the norm has shifted and kids just don’t socialize like they did 15 or 20 years ago much less more. Sadly, btw games and social media those phones give the allusion of connection and IMHO stop kids from making the effort to actually see each other in person. Neither of my two kids play sports-and that to me is the primary way kids seem to see each other outside of school.
Makes me sad for them- but I’m probably projecting quite a bit.
my kids situation didn’t change much in Covid- my younger Childs school was small and met everyday, my older child chose to be remote- did fantastic- he’s one of the few people in the world that thrived on zoom- but he stayed incredibly busy with the theatre work he did- running classes- actually brought together 3 families of kids and ran a summer camp at our house where they practiced and performed a play…so I don’t think its Covid----its the phones- Look at the graphs on young people from 1980 to 2024 and the graphs all change in the early 2010s when iPhones became the norm…Jonathan Haidt and The Atlantic has some great material on this. It’s time to take away kids phones- they are insidious and damaging…
My S didn’t really connect with other students at college. He talked with people in class, and he had a good time on a Costa Rica trip for one of his courses, but he didn’t make any “friends.” He has friends from other aspects of his life. I never worried.
Thank you, everyone! It is reassuring to hear that lots of well-adjusted, happy people don’t find their people in college.
That’s great! I’m not at the point where I consider it to be a life sentence…I consider myself lucky to be able to have hope that I will experience some benefits! I don’t enjoy going, but I do enjoy seeing very tiny improvements.
