I was reading a thread from a high school senior in the college forum, and posters were reassuring them that they would make lots of friends in college.
Has anyone had this not be their or their child’s experience? My older daughter made more friends in college than she has hairs on her head, but my younger daughter (rising junior) at a residential college has really made none.
There are reasons, of course (severe anxiety freshman year), and she does have acquaintances from her classes, but she hasn’t found a single relationship where someone might invite her to dinner or to a party. She rushed this year, but got really sick with pneumonia midway through so is not in a sorority.
I am not necessarily asking for recommendations to change the situation. I nagged her about all of the usual things the first two years (join lots of organizations, eat/study where people are, put yourself out there, etc.). She has done some and not others. She is graduating a semester early, so at this point I don’t want to harass her for another 1.5 years. It is what it is, at least from what I am able to influence. Her anxiety is much better, so I am trying to count the wins where I find them.
Mostly what I am asking is if anyone has had this or has seen this situation? Those who know her see her as a mainstream, cute, and ridiculously funny person, but her circle is so small right now that I worry.
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One of our kids has a much smaller circle of friends than the other from college. Keeps on touch with one classmate…that’s it.
I don’t think it’s about the quantity of friends. I think it’s what works for each person.
Even between my husband and me…I still keep in touch with high school as well as college friends. He doesn’t keep in touch with any. And his circle of friends is much smaller than mine.
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That is definitely not the only case I have encountered where for some reason a kid did not make close college friends. Usually there is a broadly similar element of some kind. Like, I knew a couple really miserably homesick kids in college, and to my knowledge they never really got tight with anyone and transferred. There are all sorts of other mental health and wellness things that can happen which will naturally interfere with the normal social bonding process.
I guess what I am saying is without knowing all the details, your kid seems to have gone through some stuff that happens to quite a few kids and it is very obvious why that might have the observed social consequences. Maybe it will sort out, but personally I would not put a lot of pressure on her, as her first priority has to be her own wellbeing. That said, having friends can help with that, so it is just one of those things that is complicated and individual.
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@thumper1 My circle of friends is pretty small, too, but it has grown smaller over the years. I worry that because she didn’t start with many, over time it could contract to the point of her feeling rather lonely. I’m working on not catastrophizing, though, so I will try to put that worry aside.
You bring up a point I had not considered, though. My husband and I attended college together and I am still best friends with my roommate and keep in touch with many of my friends. My husband was very outgoing, loved college, and had a really active social life, but he is not in regular contact with anyone from college.
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I think the question is “Does it bother her?”
If it doesn’t- then leave it alone. A lot of people have acquaintances in college but no real BFF’s and it’s perfectly fine.
If it bothers her- that’s something else. And then it’s time to be a little more “out there” to turn some of those casual friendships into actual relationships. But I wouldn’t worry about it if she isn’t worried.
I do think though that volunteering, getting a job, joining a club, etc. is healthy apart from the whole “making friends” side of things. I had some EC type involvement in college will led to lifelong interests and some professional skills that might not have happened had I not been in college where the risk of failure is zero and where things were free (or in the case of a job, they paid you to do it). So that’s a benefit for reaching outside of your comfort zone- it can BECOME your comfort zone with no risk.
I also took tap dancing but the less said about that experience the better! (good aerobic exercise though!) I have two left feet, but when dancing- in tap shoes no less- I had THREE left feet! The athletic department was super, super inviting for recreational activities though- learn to swim! Take diving lessons! Learn to play golf! Ballroom dancing!
Encourage her to step out of her comfort zone, even if she isn’t worried about the friendship piece.
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@NiceUnparticularMan For the reasons you mention, I haven’t pressured her much this year, especially the second semester because she seemed to be reasonably adjusted and I didn’t want to disrupt her peace. With her anxiety more in check, I was hoping that the social part of college would also catch up, but I think it might have just passed her by.
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Thank you for your insight. I really like the idea of encouraging her to step out of her comfort zone vs. pushing her to do things to find friends. The latter issue probably feels more like an indictment/criticism, while the former may feel less like a judgement on her personality.
I’m not sure how much it bothers her because she isn’t super forthcoming with her feelings about it. My guess is that she is not bothered by not having a partying-kind of college experience, but she would like one or two good friends.
She has two part-time jobs that she likes very much, but an unfortunate part of this time in which we live is that both are virtual. She has joined clubs, but they always seem to be not quite the right fit. She has put herself out there with individuals and been rebuffed, but she probably has to put herself out there more.
I have definitely encouraged her to step out of her comfort zone. Prior to sophomore year I told her that I required her to join two clubs and to become an active member. She did, and one wasn’t a great fit and the other club isn’t that active. So…back to square one but now as a junior. Rushing was a really big deal for her given her social anxiety. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped, she told me that she was really proud of herself for trying. It’s kind of hard to argue with that sentiment.
I will try to take more of the tact of using this time to push herself out of her comfort zone, without ever mentioning friends. As @NiceUnparticularMan implied, it is certainly a balance between maintaining her solid mental health and expanding so that it can be even better. Your ideas have given me food for thought about how I will encourage her in the future, though.
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It seems to be something mentioned on the school FB page for S23s school. It’s a big school and kids move off campus after freshman year.
Seems that jobs (especially those in the dining halls) often lead to friendships. Perhaps your daughter’s job might move into some kind of in-person position at some point.
I feel like I did make a few new friends in college once I got into the upper level classes of my major where we were working on more group projects and forming study or work groups. Despite it being “everyone is already in a friend group”, there are always sophomore transfers, and if you are at a state school, kids coming in as juniors from CCs.
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I think that is a great idea. There is a good chance that will in fact lead to some nice relationships eventually, but no need to put pressure on her to make that happen, just let it happen if it does.
My guess is that the answer is no. First off, I believe that most college students do NOT live on-campus or in the immediate vicinity off-campus in an area filled with other college students. The majority of college students are commuters (whether commuting from their parents’ home or from their own residence as they’re taking classes while also working). Thus, with limited time on campus, I’m sure it’s very difficult (though not impossible) for those students to build strong friendships at college.
That said, I suspect that your question really revolved around students who are attending a residential campus, which is what most of us on CC think of when we think about kids going to college. My guess is that most students end up making at least superficial friendships (i.e. will eat together in the dorm) even if they’re not doing things on the weekend together or over school breaks. And those that do not end up building superficial relationships will frequently transfer, either to a different school to try and build those relationships or back home where they will then commute to school so that they at least have the social network of their family and where they grew up.
With respect to how many students in college build super strong friendships that will last for decades? I have no clue. I was fortunate in that regard, but my spouse is another that doesn’t keep in contact with anyone from years ago. And I don’t think the number of friends matters. I would probably say I had about a half dozen friends in college, three three of whom I was very close with. Those three friends and I still get together decades after we graduated, and I talk to one of them a few times a week. So one doesn’t necessarily need to have a large social group that will winnow down over time. It’s entirely possible to have a small group of friends that will last a lifetime.
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I think this is more the norm with this generation. It’s that have to be looking at my phone instead of like talking to people. Much more
I told my kids also to get out of their comfort zone and to “bet on themselves” take some chances. We told them they don’t have to be the same kid from high school. Like reinvent yourself. This has all worked out well when both were in college.
Much more acquaintances then true friendships it seems these days. Hopefully she is happy with herself and finds ways to interact with people on campus.
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Yes, as I mentioned in the original post, she attends a residential college and that was the kind of experience I was imagining.
As I considered your comments, I think I may be more worried about her not having the experience of making friends than not having the friends themselves. We live in a small town and she went from preschool to high school graduation with the same 100ish kids and didn’t learn how to make new friends along the way.
Not sure if I am making sense, but I appreciate your comments.
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While this is generally true, I think a major factor with this age group is the effect of Covid isolation on their maturity, development, and social confidence. Her age group was in 10th grade when school shut down and she was mostly virtual through 11th. Senior year was more normal, but I think the damage was done. A lot of kids seem to have been stunted or changed by it in ways that aren’t immediately obvious.
I know parents with younger kids (now junior high and early high school age) who have mentioned that their kids are even more altered. They like to stay home and even when they go places with friends, tend to do so separately. They don’t ride together anymore.
So the phones certainly are a part of that changed experience, something about the 1.5 years in which their social lives were severely curtailed due to Covid has also shifted things.
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Really sorry to hear this. My kids graduated college during the pandemic in 2020/2021. No college graduation and at least a year of online classes. My son and international kids stayed on campus when everyone was asked to leave. He just figured his on campus apartment would be quieter and less distractions then being at home since it was a tough year in engineering. I visited him since seriously, like no one was on campus. They brought food like 20 feet away and he and others would walk and get their food and then hibernate back. The only good thing they could at least walk around campus and also be isolated at the same time.
But I do know many friend’s/neighbors with kids in your daughters age group and younger. It really is a phenomenon in human dynamics. A good friends daughter, straight As, senior year just decided to stop going to online classes. She barely graduated. This is a very bright student. Nice kid but still struggling on what to do with her life. She had a plan before. There is probably more to the story also. But I also see other kids not affected. I just wonder the why of it? My point of the phones was isolation. It’s sad but also before the pandemic, social interaction for many kids especially my son was online. Even with friend’s or people he knew from school. Did he have people over live in person at our house etc. Not really, but online they had a blast. We could probably all relate to two kids sitting together and texting each other… At first I thought it was funny/cute but not realizing it is part of the problem of isolation. But like so many my son met his gf online, on a internet sporting app of all things.
We stressed to our kids to be themselves and people will come. Of course to get involved on campus and this made the change for both of them. My daughter at Beloit which is small was a bartista on campus then at a real coffee shop a few blocks away. She met “tons” of people that way. Also both my kids created opportunities that other students would join them. For my daughter it was an Indian mounds trip she lead with faculty. Lots of kids wanted to be part of that. She also lead and reopened the kayak building not being used on their river. Once the word got out a lot of kids came to use the kayaks there (they had a kayak launch also). She would go out with people on their kayaks and they would all study in their kayaks laying down on them. I didn’t believe it till I was up there and went with. Lol so fun. She was also living in the vegatarian co-op house on campus with 20 like minded kids that cooked all dinners together
My son started a tech organization with another student. Weekly they had 15-30 students for lectures and activities for 4 years. Lots of the same kids came but the board that was formed was his friend group. My point is I think they each created situations that others also had interest in so they came.
I read on CC years ago a girl that wanted to meet people. But she wanted to also play tennis. She posted something on the schools Facebook groups and within a day had like 8 girls that wanted to play tennis. Some were just beginning but the point is there are also others that want to meet up. Same situation as many kids. I used to drive the theme of betting on yourself and going out of your comfort zone which both kids did. But I get it, it’s hard and you don’t want to nag but also want your kid to be happy.
There are certainly a myriad of things she could do to put herself out there more. She has tried some, but I am sure she could try many other ways. As I said in the first post, I am more interested in insights into how this plays out into adulthood vs. looking for recommendations to change her situation because I think she and I both know a lot of ways that she might improve it, but I do appreciate all of your examples.
I think my older daughter is at the same school as your son (Michigan, right?). 2020-2021 was her freshman year. It was HARD because she was OOS and knew nobody. She ended up moving into an apartment after they closed the dorms. She was isolated because of all of the restrictions, but she moved in with 2 girls she didn’t know and they are now two of her closest friends and current housemates. She has had a spectacular experience overall, but she also has been impacted by that difficult year or two. On the surface, she is succeeding by every measure, but she struggled with her mental health during her first year+ there and there are some residual issues. So even for the kids that it doesn’t seem to have affected – like her, to anyone outside of me! – some may be also feeling the impact in more subtle or perhaps deeper ways.
(I believe that most schools and other organizations made their covid rules in good faith, using the best information they had at the time, too.)
Back to the daughter in question, she has always been quieter, slower to warm up, and less confident socially, so I don’t want to imply that this is all a covid thing only that covid may stunted her social maturity and she went to college more like a 16-year-old than an 18-year-old. She may well have been in a similar situation without covid.
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When your daughter decides it is an issue that she really cares about, she will be able to do something about it. I didn’t make any lifetime friends in college, and it did not stop me from making friends later on.
However, I did meet my husband in college. How my life would have played out if I hadn’t been open to that, well, as an introverted, neurodivergent, not everyone’s cup of tea kinda person, who knows. I might have used up my lifetime luck on that.
As for COVID effects, I would not be surprised if a lot of people (kids and adults!) are semi-permanently affected by COVID isolation. It is true though that the first step in solving a problem is realizing it exists. Some people are naturally more resilient, some may need more defined help, either self-help activities or possibly some counseling to work through the residual effects.
My daughter has taught me, quite forcefully in some cases, that if it’s her life stuff I do not need to take it on myself. She has it under control or she is dealing with it, she does not want my unsolicited help, she will ask if she wants/needs help, and explicitly tells me my worrying absolutely does not help. So that’s another thing to consider as a parent, if any of this might apply to you/your daughter’s relationship.
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So my son is what I call an introverted extrovert. He can lecture in front of 100 people but would rather be alone or with a very small group. Yes, he graduated Michigan 2021. It took them a few days during the pandemic to go online and he told me it was a sxxhit show initially. Then those professors gave like 2.5 hour tests in engineering just because they didn’t know what to do. Lots of mental stress. From what you are describing from your daughter it seems (I can be wrong) that the pandemic is just one factor. As you said she and many others might of had these struggles regardless. My son unexpectedly did until he decided to do something about it. For him, it was answering one Facebook question from another students about starting a Augmented Reality group. It actually changed his life and his 4 years on campus. Much better then sitting in your dorm room. I have seen this from multiple kids at Michigan.
But how will affect those into more advanced Adulthood. I think greatly if they don’t /can’t come to terms with it now. Michigan has a wonderful Mental health department at the hospital. A friend’s son was depressed but he didn’t realize how much. He was a junior a few years back. He admitted himself into the hospital there. His father flew there the next day. He got medicated and that changed his life. He’s such a great kid and is flourishing now.
I think the pandemic did and can accelerate many mental issues whether it’s the above or insecurities or self confidence. But as you know the resources on campus are fruitful. I would use them. I hope the best for your daughter
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S20 has been on campus in the dorms for 8 semesters, 2 roommates, 3 suite mates in that time. No irl friends but about 4 kids online who he has played d&d with since the pandemic. He “seems” happy enough to me. He had some nice kids he liked eating lunch with in high school, but never any bffs. Putting this out there as a data point for you.
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Thank you for your whole post, but especially this reminder. For a variety of reasons, I started therapy recently for the first time in my life and this issue is definitely one of the things that I am actively working on! It’s hard undoing a lifetime of bad habits, but I am trying. Also, you are right: She will have to do something about it if and when she decides that it is an issue. She is 20 so even if she wanted my help, it’s not something I can do or fix for her.
@Knowsstuff my daughter at Michigan is not the one in question. She has lots of friends and other relationships on campus, and has had reasonable success utilizing Michigan’s health services when necessary. My younger daughter is at a different university.
@TeamJet Thank you for sharing. It helps a lot. She seems happy enough, too, at this point so I think I should just rest my mind and only worry if something comes up.
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I would spend nights awake in bed worrying about my oldest. In hs he had friends he hung out with in school, but he never saw them socially. In college he also had friends and would hang out with them, but when it came time to pick housing he wanted to live alone. I knew he was introverted since he was a toddler.
He is well spoken, people love him, he’ s charming and most importantly is that he is happy. He is who he is and I never want him to think I want him to be anyone else. I k ow it can be difficult.
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