<p>Missypie- what do the parents do when they are at home? Maybe they are used to just sitting and staring at nothing. My in laws live close enough that we don’t have to have them overnight. My own parents are all now gone but for years I dreaded visiting with them because they never turned the TV off. Finally a good friend of mine said why don’t you say something. So I did. When I went to visit my Mom I would turn the TV off when I came in the door. It used to frustrate me to no end to have driven 2-3 hours each way and have them sit and watch TV. They were fine with the TV off.
My friend had a MIL like your houseguests. The woman was depressing and a real sour personality. She would sit and not talk unless spoken to. My friends H would happily go off to work each morning leaving her home with the MIL and 2 kids. Finally she figured this woman is a pill no matter what I do. So she began to just tell her MIL what the plan was for the day. The MIL would tag along. My friend would go about her regular routine. Go to the gym. Sometimes she would just let the MIL sit in silence. (She finally figured out her MIL didn’t mind the quiet)
I have a sister who visits fairly often. After a few visits we learned to each do our own thing. Some together time, some apart time. Now the visits are much nicer. I don’t feel I need to entertain her.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Ah, what a delight that would be!</p>
<p>I do think, however, that it’s not 100% the fault of my guests…I think I’m closer to the autism spectrum than many. Lots of people love to have company so they can have extended time to visit. MY SIL loves company because she talks nonstop and loves to have someone to listen to her.</p>
<p>Missypie: Listen carefully.</p>
<p>It is Not. Your. Job. to entertain them. You can offer them a movie, a magazine, a walk, but if they just say no, then your responsibility is to go and do something by yourself. </p>
<p>You’re a grown woman, and they’re adults too. </p>
<p>I think maybe you’re “enabling” their inactivity and passivity.</p>
<p>I’m not saying their behavior is your fault – not at all!! – but after you’ve made a few reasonable suggestions, it’s time to step away from the parents – both physically, and emotionally.</p>
<p>Too true, musicamusica. I’ll take friends over family any time. In fact, our home is often the place our children’s friends congregate after other events. </p>
<p>Mostly I think I prefer friends because they are in my life by choice. </p>
<p>So, no, missypie, you are not alone. The chronic pressure to feed, entertain, and keep up a happy front is just draining, and tension builds. Some guests are easier than others and understand they can help make the visit more pleasant by helping and/or contributing ideas and effort. Yours sound fairly helpless and passive.</p>
<p>Introverts especially have a really hard time with house guests who stay longer than half a day, let alone overnight. I believe it was Sartre who said, “Hell is other people at breakfast.”</p>
<p>My best friend and I have a pact. We let the other know in advance if we are having house guests. We prearrange the other has a “crisis” that needs immediate attention. We then meet for a long lunch, taking a mental break from the stress. Do you have a friend whose help you could enlist to be your confederate? If all else fails, pretend to have a long-standing appointment that you just can’t miss.</p>
<p>I, too, almost always get head- and/or stomach-aches when I either visit family or have family stay with us. I think a lot of my stress is self-induced by unrealistic expectations for a “perfect” experience complete with delicious food, delightful and well-behaved children, etc. I’m either proving to my family I am competent and capable, or proving to my husband’s family he has an ideal, worthy wife. </p>
<p>Plus, I just need solitary time. </p>
<p>I doubt everyone’s stress has the same roots. Those are mine. </p>
<p>This issue has caused friction with my husband’s family. They are Italian, and can’t understand why I am not enraptured by days on end in close quarters, with more food and noise and sheer chaos than any WASP should be expected to endure.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I totally do that…BUT I can’t make the pressure go away. I can leave the room, check email on the computer, etc etc but the pressure of them *being there *lodges itself in my head and won’t go away. I know that I can’t just read a book or take a nap with them in my house, doing nothing. I cannot relax with others in the house. That’s fine if someone comes for dinner…but over a weekend I need down time. (I will say that younger D is marvelous at getting them to play Wii with her and I am very grateful for that.)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Is it anyone, or is it the parents and in-laws only??</p>
<p>missypie, does having others in the house interfere with your ability to sleep soundly? If so, that might also lead to anxiety and illness. </p>
<p>I can’t completely relax either. I know just what you mean.</p>
<p>I relax and sleep well when we have overnight guests.
I don’t sleep well when we sleep in other people’s house. but it’s still fun.
I can not host slumber party for my kids. It’d drive me nuts. Once or twice a year sleepovers are marginally fine.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Gosh, I so totally get this. Thank GOD my inlaws all live fairly close, so we just have to host the occasional dinner. But I even get antsy like you when we have an extended one day visit, like at Christmas. We have a lake house, and the occasional visits from family/friends affect me just like you. I cannot relax. I thought I was the ONLY one.</p>
<p>When my children were really little, it was difficult to handle after school care as my job is a 12 hour shift job. A friend suggested a live-in. I remember saying “NOT ON YOUR LIFE.” The thought of a “stranger” being underfoot all the time just didn’t compute with me, no matter how wonderful they were or how convenient it would have been. I don’t even like it twice a month when a cleaning crew comes in. It’s uncomfortable for me.</p>
<p>Oh wow, this whole thread resonates with me. The thought of much company at all (relatives or not) throws me into high anxiety mode. When I read magazines or see talk-shows where “Joe and Jane love to entertain”… I simply cannot comprehend that. Although, really, I wish I were that way…</p>
<p>It isn’t only my kids who would disappear after the requisite few minutes. Nope, my husband always disappeared too–even when they were other couples who were joint friends. At that point, I pretty much stopped any entertaining.</p>
<p>Thankfully, my mother lives 1 mile away, (although her popping in could be its own thread…) and we drive to my MIL, who is 2 hours away. So no overnights either way!</p>
<p>I feel for you, missypie, I really do!</p>
<p>I feel like the odd one out here because in general I like having houseguests. But then again, everyone who has visited us (including parents and in laws) has been pretty good at entertaining themselves. I am an extrovert, but I like my time alone and if I had to host someone who couldn’t even watch TV, read or take a walk by themselves and expected me to entertain nonstop, I would have a headache,too.</p>
<p>I used too but things have gotten much better since I lowered my expectations. I think everyone has more fun but even if they don’t, I sure do and that’s enough for me!</p>
<p>I absolutely don’t mind staying in a hotel except when visiting family/friends who have houses with guest rooms that sit empty. That does bother me and it’s the only time I take hosts up on the offer to pay for the hotel room.</p>
<p>Now that I’ve read the rest of the thread I have to share my tips for making having overnight guests fun:
- No guilt about not providing entertainment for adults. People are free to read, explore the area, nap or stare into space.
- Coldcuts and such are provided for lunch. Make your own.<br>
- Everyone chips in be it cooking, cleaning or running errands (to their ability, of course.)</p>
<p>The best part is that I"ve had people who I was sure would hate the rules tell me that they enjoy visiting us best because they can tell we are not stressed out.</p>
<p>just curious… what would they do if you kind of left some stuff out that might appeal to them? For instance, before they come, go buy a half dozen magazines that appeal to people their age and leave them on the coffee table. Or old photo albums that they can just pick up at a whim. </p>
<p>Also, what about having a deck of cards out for anyone to just pick up and start a game of gin, solitaire, or whatever they might play?</p>
<p>Along with the old photo album idea-- maybe you could buy a genealogy software program and/or a subscription to Ancestry.com. Then you could put them to work researching your (and their) family history. </p>
<p>Personally, I save all the heavy gardening for my 77 year old mom. It’s become a neighborhood joke. But she loves it.</p>
<p>OK, does anybody else watch House Hunters on HGTV?
Do you notice every single show someone at least once says “oh, this space would be great for entertaining” or “we love to entertain and need more space”.</p>
<p>Surely this is scripted.</p>
<p>I have the same reaction when I watch House Hunters. Entertaining space would be way, way down on my list of “must haves” in a new house. I have a hard time channeling my inner Martha Stewart and I like my private time too much to ever feel comfortable having house guests for days on end.</p>
<p>Missypie- I understand your pain. Now, since my dad died, my mom lives with us. She just sits and expects me to do the conversation, provide ideas for her to do, and listen endlessly to her recitation of health problems. (In her defense, she does cook, and that covers a multitude of sins). But, it is totally draining to be with her for extended periods of time. </p>
<p>My only refuge- upstairs. She can no longer make the climb. If I am downstairs, she does the sitting and watching thing, or follows me around asking me what I’m doing.</p>
<p>Oh, Pipmom, your reward will be in heaven. If that was me, my mom would outlive me because I would have a stroke or become a prescription drug addict.</p>
<p>One thing this makes me think is that perhaps early retirement isn’t always a good idea, even if you can afford it. Both sets of parents retired at around 62, meaning that they’ve been *at home *for between 14-17 years. No, none of them got part time jobs, or started volunteering a lot. Both sets of parents sit in their houses, watch TV, shop, go to church. </p>
<p>We have these past-retirement-age guys at work who still put on a suit and come in a few days every week, even though they no longer get paid…they read the Wall Street Journal, chat with us “younger” lawyers, maybe do a smidge of work…they certainly seem more youthful and are more interesting than my own parents and inlaws.</p>
<p>No one should ever “retire” if all they’re going to do after that is nothing. Retirement should be an opportunity to do things you never had time to do before. There are so many interesting things to do in this world . . . Goodness.</p>
<p>I also like having guests. But I establish before they come when they’re going to leave. Our guestroom is over the garage and has its own bathroom, closet, and entrance… I like having my in-laws come because they’re nice people. Actually, all of our guests seem to be nice people.</p>