Does this essay make me sound scatter-brained?

College Essays
1

<p>It’s far too long (930 words), and I feel like it could be more concise, incisive, and vivid. It’s a draft, so I’m not too worried at this point. Anyone want to take a stab at it? Oh yea, if I don’t send the essay to you, it means I might be applying to your school of interest.</p>

<p>I would like to know the following:

  1. Your first reaction? What are the first three words that come into mind that you would use to describe me based on this essay?</p>

<li><p>State and rationalize 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses of the essay. Don’t be afraid to be blunt, but please be constructive. I’m especially interested in which parts I should keep/emphasize and which ones should I eliminate or revise. Which details are superfluous? Which ones did you like? Your response will be crucial as I try to make this essay tighter.
<strong><em>I will rewrite the entire essay if necessary.</em></strong> </p></li>
<li><p>Identify any cliches.</p></li>
<li><p>Any egregious grammatical errors? Awkward and/or cheesy phrases? Please identify them and if possible, say why they should be revised or eliminated.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I would love to get more extensive feedback, so don’t limit your comments to the questions above.</p>

<p>Because I’m interested in entirely candid responses, I’m willing to send you my essay by PM and allow you to respond by email (under the assumption that your email address would conceal your screenname and/or identity).</p>

2

<p>We need more traffic in here.</p>

3

<p>I’ll take a stab at it. ^^</p>

4

<p>I’ll read it</p>

5

<p>hey, could you guys PM me your email addresses? The essay is too long to be included in one message, and it would be a hassle to send it in two.</p>

<p>Thanks for offering to help.</p>

<p>Edit: Actually, disregard the email address request. Essay sent.</p>

6

<p>That was a quickie!</p>

7

<p>Apparently, the messages keep getting cut off, so if you still want to read it, I will need your email address. Thanks.</p>

8

<p>I’ll look it over!</p>

9

<p>i can’t promise i’ll address all of your questions but i’ll take a look and give whatever feedback i can</p>

10

<p>Sent you a PM. :)</p>

11

<p>I did not apply to any schools this year, so there’s a possibility that I might use this essay (or just the ideas in it) for next year. </p>

<p>Btw, look out for both obvious and not obvious errors. I don’t know why I said look out only for the former… I was probably taking into account your limited time.</p>

<p>This is sooo late, but only now will I be PMing the essay to Liana, letmepass, and menuetto, lol.</p>

12

<p>Sure. I’ve already been accepted to college, so I have no ulterior motives in this beyond helping you out because I like editing stuff. PM me for e-mail.</p>

13

<p>I like proofreading stuff! I just edited someone’s essay 30 minutes ago on CC and gave him a huge response including my opinion and his errors (search for this post).</p>