Does this essay sound a tad bit TOO flowery?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>I’ve written this essay in under 20 minutes just for practice and now when I read it, is sounds a bit too flowery. Its not that organized but please CC’rs read my essay and evaluate it. What score would I get? </p>

<p>Oh and one more thing- I usually write in cursive. Will this affect my score since cursive takes a longer time to read.</p>

<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power?</p>

<p>Essay: </p>

<p>What is it that drives a saint to spend hours meditating? Definitely, it is not a lust for money, power of fame, but his conscience- that inner voice which tells him this is right and very rewarding. Tough some people believe that most human beings are driven by selfish motives, it is actually conscience that drives us. Whatever we do, there is always this constant little nagging voice, bidding us, motivating us to do good.</p>

<p>The freedom struggle of any country reflects this viewpoint. For instance, in the Indian freedom movement, Mahatma Gandhi played an important role. His ultimate aim was to free the Indian people from British despotism and for this, he organized numerous protest marches opposing the British non violently. His efforts were not futile since ultimately, India won independence through the “Quit India Movement” organized by him. </p>

<p>Had Gandhi been anything like the other prominent people in India at that time, he would have accepted huge bribes from the British to keep his mouth shut. India might still have been a British colony. But no, Gandhi followed his inner voice- his conscience- disregarding all thoughts of fame or power and ultimately put an end to around 400 years of tyranny.</p>

<p>Not only in history, but in literature too we find examples where people followed their conscience. In the Inheritance Cycle, Murtagh- a dragon rider- is forced by the evil king Galbatorix to trap Eragon- the protagonist. Tough Murtagh succeeds in capturing Eragon, he later frees him when Eragon appeals to him. Murtagh could have followed Galbatorix’s orders and ultimately won great fame in the land, but driven by his conscience he didn’t.</p>

<p>These examples clearly illustrate that conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power. Although some people are blinded by worldly pleasures, ultimately they do breakdown and listen to their conscience as seen in the case of Al Capone and other criminals. Thus as illustrated by history and literature, conscience- that powerful inner voice- that tells us what is right and wrong- can be a more compelling force than money, fame and power.</p>

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<p>Ha… I am checking this thread every 2 minutes hoping that someone replies to it…</p>

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<p>I write incredibly flowery essays too, haha. :slight_smile: Honestly, as long as you don’t use big words for the sake of using big words–that is, without knowing their meaning–you should be fine. I don’t think there’s a penalty for floweriness on the SATs. </p>

<p>A few sentences do strike me as awkward, namely “But no, Gandhi followed his inner”. Starting a sentence with “but” tends to yield awkwardness. I have mixed feelings about the Eragon reference, too–I’d suggest sticking with more classical, personal, or historical examples, honestly. Then again, I’m biased against Eragon, so! =D</p>

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<p>This sentence is teeming with errors. </p>

<p>‘but in’ should be ‘but also’
‘conscience’ should be ‘consciences’
‘too’ should be deleted
‘where’ should be ‘in which’</p>

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<p>Don’t use flowery language. Before I took my SAT in October, I was extremely worried that I would not get a 10. I simply made topic sentences and signposted the keyword of the prompt in every analysis and pulled off a 12.</p>

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<p>@SheepGetKilled I now there are numerous grammar errors but I typed it the exact same way I wrote it on a paper; just to get an idea of my writing skills, you know.
I thought I was good at writing since I write a lot of stories but it turns out that writing stories is nothing like writing SAT essays…</p>

<p>How much score would you give my essay?</p>

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<p>@LoseYourself What score would you give my essay? This is less “flowery” than what I usually write. When you write stories you need to be cryptic and metaphorical but in SAT essays its totally the opposite- you have to be direct. Its quite hard for me.
Any advice? Any comments on my examples?</p>

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<p>@Marisashana everything I write seems to end up having a reference to Harry Potter, Eragon, Hunger Games, Game of Thrones… you get the idea? I am addicted to fantasy.</p>

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<p>Bump… grade it guys…</p>

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<p>Bump… GRADES???</p>

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<p>Bump… Score???</p>

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<p>I would give this essay a grade somewhere between an 8-9. Perhaps a 9. </p>

<p>The thing is, your essay would have been very good if you had stuck to your most powerful and most in-depth argument: Ghandi. Don’t add the Eragon thing. You want your examples to be somewhat related either in literature, historical time period, etc… and going from Ghandi to Eragon is a huge jump with a weak link between the two and hurts your essay. Also your Eragon example doesn’t go as in-depth as your Ghandi example and this is another reason why the Eragon example actually hurt your essay rather than improve it. If you can answer the topic question with a very good example and if you can write well using that one example, by all means go for it. Two or more examples are for those who are 1. more comfortable with using more examples 2. need more examples to write more 3. can link the multiple examples very coherently to drive in a solid point and the overall essay is a well-written essay. </p>

<p>Also, the first half of your conclusion should quickly summarize your essay, which you have done, except that you added a piece of information that you did not even address anywhere before your conclusion. The information about Al Capone and the criminals. If you do not address it in your body paragraphs, don’t include it in your conclusion because your last paragraph should conclude what you have been saying throughout the essay and not bring any new piece of information, especially since you only gave that one line reference about the criminals. </p>

<p>I suggest you don’t use dashes in your essay. Dashes, apparently, are not very well liked in the SAT essay criterion. </p>

<p>I think if you would take out the stuff I typed in previously, it would increase your grade from an 8-9 to a 10-11. Of course, this is just my opinion and others might differ. I would also use a few big words in your essay. Big words are not a criteria in grading but it pleases the scorer immensely when they see that you understand the definition of a word and can apply it in the pressured and limited time you are given. </p>

<p>Very good message and example to use with Mahatma Ghandi. You linked the example well with the topic and knew your information well. Your writing is overall solid with a few awkward sentence structures as noted by others previously. Just keep on practicing with the 25 minute time period and research what is the most effective way to score a 12 on the essay. That is my overall advice :)</p>

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<p>Be a bit more careful on grammar. You have the length down, 4-5 paragraphs of good size is good. If you keep these two major points in mind you will have a good score as these are the most important according to data.</p>

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<p>Wow… thank you so much Josh05 and drac313. That was so detailed.</p>